Bad day today

Damn it, I want my husband to get better. He won’t be returning to work July 8th and it’s now undetermined. He is getting better but he had to miss his appointment today because they didn’t want him walking. His mom couldn’t come and take him because of no gas money and our money is tight. I can’t take him because his appointment was too late in the day and I have to work and can’t afford to miss work and his appointment would last a while I don’t know how long. The disability still hasn’t kicked in because the doctor forgot to put something on the papers. I have been missing out on my autism groups because of money issues and my husband thinks we are doing fine and I am just doing this to myself and it’s all in my head. Well he says we have over 200 in the bank and we still have to grocery shop and that is about 100 there and bus pass that be 26 bucks (thank god for honorary citizen because the adult ones would cost in the 80’s since they keep raising their bus fares and I got tired of it and them fucking with our budget so I decided to start getting that bus pass instead because it’s a lot cheaper and they rarely raise the fare for people who get that special bus fare so that means all the none disability people are screwed if they are low income or struggling with their finances) and we have that credit card bill that is 89 bucks so how could I possibly have afford to go to my group? I even cancelled out this weekend because I am not using my gas to drive up to another state and go to the video game party there at the library. I gotta save as much gas as possible but thank god the gas prices are dropping.

So I have been having anxiety all day and crying and my husband decided to baby me. So he kept me in diapers and is making me use them and he has been holding me and even rocked me. He said I needed it. He had been doing this off and on.

Right now I can’t handle doing anything, not even something simple. My mother wants me on medicine for anxiety but it’s even too stressful to even bother to figure out what steps to take to do it and to even find a doctor and make the appointment and to spend money on medicine. Catch 22. I decided when they do move out here, I will leave during the day as they move in so I won’t have anxiety there and mom won’t get mad at me about it because she be unable to cope with it. Good thing I don’t have my son or else I wouldn’t be able to take care of him very well and it be more stress. But once they send us that damn check, my stress level will drop and so will the anxiety. Then simple things wouldn’t cause it anymore. I have not even been calling my parents to see how our son is doing because I am afraid mom will ask me if I have been to the doctor yet and no way am I lying to her. She would find out anyway when she gets here so why lie? These things have always been stressful for me and hard but it’s just been worse now because of my sick husband and no disability check and not being able to do my normal stuff and us getting this house soon. I could never handle stress well and that is why I get Social Security because I shut down when I get stressed out and run into roadblocks and I can’t handle it so I get lazy. But does society give a shit? No.

I can’t wait until we get this house. I gotta save money for that too for gas. Plus I have that beach party I want to go to but I may wait and see if I can go or not because it be using gas to get there. Hopefully he will get the check by then. We even have that car insurance to pay and my husband says he has it all planned out. We may have to use our savings for the insurance. I also have not been putting more books on bookmooch to mooch away due to money and I have to pay money to ship the books off. Luckily no one else has mooched anymore books from me and if they did, they would have to wait a while.

 

Going through lot of stress

Right now I am resenting my husband. I don’t care if this whole blog is going to make me sound cold hearted or insensitive or a jerk so go on ahead and judge me after you read all this.

My husband was supposed to take care of something today, make a phone call and and meet the person for him to get temporary disability for his back. He does not go to work until July 8th. I go in our bedroom to remind him and I see he is in bed. He had been up all night due to his back hurting him so much. We need a new mattress but we can’t afford it right now. So I break down and cry because I wasn’t sure when he be getting up and what time he has till today to meet her. I just want this done NOW so we can get more money coming in. So I call my mother and broke down in tears because I am so sick of being here, I want to leave this world and get away from it all. I have been feeling like I am shutting down. I am so sick of my husband letting his depression make him be so lazy. I said to my parents send me a damn check for $500 because I don’t know if he is ever going to get this done because he has to be up all night. My mom says if he can sleep during the day, he can sleep at night and be up during the day.

I just wish I never married my husband. Back then his feet were not bad and they have gotten worse. If I knew then his pain would cause him to have more seizures due to stress and make him miss work, I would not have stayed with him knowing how much stress it would cause me. I would leave him but it wouldn’t get rid of all my stress because we have a kid together and where would I go if I left him? I would then be on my own income without his and it still be stressful so leaving him wouldn’t get rid of it. My mother suggested food stamps. I would have to look into it.

Since he is in so much pain, he is probably in too much pain to even keep me in diapers so I can just stop wearing them and we can save money that way. He may not even notice I don’t have one on. He may be in too much pain to make me wear a diaper to work and be in too much pain to grab my panties from me. I can test him. But I know he can punish me when he is better and make up for all the rules I had broken.

My mother offered she or dad can come out here, get our son and bring him back to their home (they live ten hours away) and they can take care of him until my husband is well. I can’t always take care of him and when I need to be alone and when he keeps getting in my way, I just put him in his room in his crib and close the door. When I go to work, I put him in his play yard and go to work because my husband can’t always take care of him. I leave him in front of the TV with toys in his play yard which he likes to throw out. Mom says that is not good for him to be in there for five hours. I really like this idea because my mother in law isn’t well either and she can’t take care of him all the time. I would have to talk to my husband about this.

I also started to slip in a soft cup to avoid getting pregnant. I never know when my husband is going to have sex with me. But since he is in so much pain, he may not have it with me anymore until he is well. But sometimes he is better so I guess I better keep it in there for precaution.

If my husband ever dies or if we ever split up, I won’t date another man who has seizures or bad feet or a bad back because I sure would not want to go through any stress.

My husband says his back is temporary, I hope it is. Luckily my parents will be moving out here soon to help out. What about my diapers? Will my husband still keep me in them or change his mind?

My mother can’t do anything about it if I am still kept in them 24/7. She won’t know about me being forced into them because we won’t tell her, she would just think I choose to wear them and I make that decision as an adult.

I think I will find ways like I am not going to try for a baby until he gets temporary disability or that I am not wearing diapers again until he gets it. That might get him to do it and stop being so lazy. I am so sick of this stress and his selfish behavior. In fact I may tell him our son is going to live with my parents then if he doesn’t straighten up. I don’t care if people call this a game and see it as woman holding having sex until her husband does what she wants him to do. I see nothing wrong with that honestly because it all depends on the reason why.