Wow, I am lucky

I was reading stuff online about Onlyfans and I am finding out sex workers get their accounts terminated on Onlyfans. I am wondering if that is what they saw me as. They don’t even state in their TOS, no sex work. But what exactly is sex work? I would think it’s two people doing sex. I never put any of that on my page because I never felt comfortable about it. Maybe they saw diaper changes as sex work, maybe they saw nudity as sex work, maybe they saw me using a vibrator as sex work. I have gotten some requests by my followers asking me to do certain things and I never felt comfortable with it because it’s out of my fetish. Sure I have asked for any video ideas and ideas I would get was out of my league. I wonder if masturbating is sex work.

But anyway I have migrated to another platform. I am going to try it out. I don’t like having more than one account that gets you paid for content because it would be too much for me. I get some people do it for a living but not me. I don’t have time for this full time. I see it as a gig and you need a survival job. Never rely on platforms for your income because they can terminate you any time and always withdraw when you read the minimum amount. You never know if some troll will report you for a BS reason.

I am hearing that people lost out of thousands of dollars and even hundreds by Onlyfans. Their accounts got terminated randomly but at least they got an email about it, I didn’t. I had to contact them and they told me but then haven’t responded to my other emails. I withdrew all $355 that was ready and good thing I did that or I would have lost that money. It went into my bank account and my husband moved it into savings so it won’t get spent accidentally. Then about five days later, my account got terminated. So I am considering myself lucky but I am not touching that money because I never know what can happen. I could get a letter saying I need to pay that money and if I ignore it, my credit will go bad. I am hearing subscribers get refunded when they kill your account. I never heard anything about that in my email.

Another lucky thing about me, I once waited till I had $500 before I cashed out because I had been too lazy to even withdraw the money. It took me about a year to earn that much so I finally did a cash out and then again three months later when I reached that much when I started to do videos. Then I cashed out again when I got to $300 and it was as if my brain was telling me something bad is going to happen so you better withdraw it now. I originally did that when I was paying my credit card and I used the cash I had from Onlyfans I kept in my room. This was before I knew we had an extra savings account that our bank never closed when my husband requested it to be closed. So I was lucky to still get my money despite not cashing out. Now I am going to cash out every time I reach minimum amount in case my account closes randomly. I did the same in Paypal too when someone paid me for my used diapers and photos of them too, always withdraw the money and then send them so that person can’t do a charge back to their account. I have heard of people doing that so the seller ends up not getting their money and I can’t trust people so I withdrew money on paypal. I wonder if that would be considered sex work by them?

I’ve had people ask me if I had any pictures they would buy that I posted online and would pay me $25 but sadly I never kept my photos and I delete them. I also gotten if I sell videos and that is how I got into Onlyfans. If a few people were having the balls to ask, it made me think there are other people out there that are willing to buy this stuff and want me to sell content. So that is what got me started. Plus getting an email one time asking if I had any premium than this blog and I started my onlyfans page.

But my biggest fear was being accused of being a scammer if my content wasn’t good enough or they felt it was too original so I made my page $4.99 a month. If people paid low money for it, they couldn’t be disappointed and call me a scammer if they didn’t like my page. Plus I would have less pressure and not be stressed out having to keep doing content if I did a high price. Only 5 bucks. People can subscribe to see my content and unsubscribe and they see it for 30 days until their subscription expired. I still got messages sometimes saying how they like my content so that made me feel happy to know people were enjoying it and it built my confidence.

One of my other fears is disappointing people and thinking I am not good enough and that I had scammed them because they didn’t like it.

I still don’t know how my account closed since they are a small business it looks like. I googled their address and they are in some small building in London. I was with them for almost 2 years so either someone reported my account or they were just too lazy to monitor all accounts so they rely on reports. Or maybe me contacting them about me having problems with uploading images and them not being upright made them look at my account and maybe they didn’t like it so they closed it and no email was sent about it. This happened right after my response to the email about photo uploads. Maybe if I had used a different email address this wouldn’t have happened.

But I am lucky I got my money before my account was randomly closed and I am lucky I lost only $100. Now I wonder if my subscribers are getting refunded that was left in my account. But it’s weird how they processed my funds and never terminated me before. You would think they check out every page when they withdraw amount. That is why I think someone had reported my page and specifically targeted me or other ABDL pages would have been shut down as well. My husband says someone probably got jealous because I am pretty and I said “how would they know, they never saw my face” and he said “you have a good body” and I said “so do other ABDLs, why not report their accounts too?” Then I said I think I was just targeted because my page was booming and I have a disability. He said how would they even know that and I said it’s pretty obvious online if I have been called slow and them saying I am on the slow side and that I am close to being retarded. Then I asked him remember how he felt when his Twitter account got suspended, he thought it was because of his disability and he said it was because he can’t spell well so he wrote firing squad because he couldn’t write capital punishment so he picked that word because it’s what he can spell and it got seen as harassment. I told him it was probably considered a death threat because if you post any memes or images of any deaths or guns and stuff, if can be seen as a death threat so don’t do it.

My husband thinks those people only said those things to me just to be mean and I told him normal people don’t get called that stuff.

It’s been a few days now and I still haven’t heard back and I can’t get the site to load and all pages say “coming soon” but yet the site works fine on my phone so I am going to assume they have my IP address blocked. I have no idea what I did wrong to make them hate me so much and this is all very strange. I have found other platforms and I read one of their Terms of Services and once I got to they didn’t allow age play, urine, poop, I clicked back knowing they would not accept ABDL content and took that website off my list. I also found another one that will be coming soon that seems to be a spin off from Onlyfans and I noticed their TOS was a copy pasta from it but this time they are from out of Las Vegas than in London, UK. I am thinking about going there but sent them a message on Twitter asking what do they consider obscene. They haven’t responded yet but I will email them if I don’t hear from them within 24 hrs. I am going to wait and see if it’s legit first. It could be possible they don’t even visit their Twitter page so email is best.

Also here are the lessons here I learn, I maybe should’t talk about how much I got from my content because maybe just maybe that is what got my page shut down because I got someone jealous and this is why people don’t like to talk about their income because they don’t want to make themselves a target for harassment and false reports and losing their accounts unfairly. Even mentioning how I earned enough for a phone finally is indicating how much I get for my content.

Hopefully I still start getting money for my content again.

But what makes me lucky I am saying, I didn’t lose out of thousands of dollars like some other people did and I got my money withdrawn before it even happened and it was processed so I only lost around $100 and this will ever be the last time I ever mention how much money I make for my future content and if my videos sell online. I don’t wanna make myself a target for silent harassment. Someone may have won the first time.

I can be dumb sometimes because of my own naivete and I don’t know what I am setting myself up for.

Just imagine if all my supporters flooded their email about my unfair termination, I wonder if they would give in or if they would think I created all these proxy IPs and different emails to contact them lol.

I would not recommend using this site anymore but if you want to use it, always withdraw your money when you reach minimum amount, consider other places to go to if your account is randomly shut down, no email, nothing about anything you did. Clearly they will just randomly reject people and not even send you an email unless you reach out to them and they will say they are not able to assist you right now. Then you never heard back from them ever again so clearly they do not care about false reports or care about their customers or else they would let you appeal and let you take down anything they thought was a violation of their TOS. Some people say they are scammers. That is because they randomly shut down their account and took their money they earned. Or they withdrew their money and bam account was closed and money never got processed into their bank account. Why mine got processed and put into my bank and then terminated a few days later is very strange so I am thinking someone reported me and did a false report and Onlyfans is too lazy to even bother or care. They will just blindly believe anyone and shut you down and they say in their TOS you agree you won’t slander them, fuck that shit, since I am no longer with them and they won’t respond to my emails, it doesn’t even matter if I am not welcome there. I lose respect for anyone when I get treated unfairly so I will speak my mind about how I feel about all this. Plus if they won’t even bother telling me what I exactly did and what I exactly violated, they shouldn’t be surprised when people say stuff about them. Them failing to tell me tells me this is over something BS and they just shut down accounts randomly and they don’t really care for the truth and facts.

Enough defending ABDL bigots

It’s 2019, there is no excuse anymore to be ignorant about us calling us pedophiles. So someone makes a post on social media calling us pedophiles and other ABDLs fight back and defend themselves against the accusation and we get scolded for “harassment.” I’m sorry but anyone who wishes to defend ABDL bigots are just as bad as them and you also are not better than they are and I will just block you too on social media for endorsing such behavior.

Telling someone they are wrong is not harassment.
Telling them to STFU isn’t harassment, be bigot, get treated like one.
Telling them “Okay boomer” isn’t harassment.
Asking them where is their proof of us being pedophiles is not harassment.

If you make hateful posts against a group, do not expect any kindness and yes you will get hostile responses too because you insulted a whole group of people and anyone who scolds us for defending ourselves, you are just as bad as they are and throwing your community under the bus. Do not expect people to not respond when you choose to make a hateful post. And do not hide behind the “everyone has their own opinion and not everyone agrees with us” BS. You wouldn’t be saying the same about racism and homophobia and transphobia, etc. If someone made a hateful post against race or LGBT or disability, I doubt you would be scolding them for defending themselves and not blame them for their hostile responses.

Seriously, if someone is genuinely confused, they would be asking “How is ABDL/babyfur/DDLG not pedophilia?” and we will gladly explain and not jump all over them. That would be a sign of them being open minded and wanting to learn. Someone who calls us pedophiles is not open minded and don’t care to learn. They will keep finding justification to hate us. They are not worthy of our time and respect. The moment someone calls us pedophiles is the moment they lose all my respect for them and I have no empathy for them so anything that comes with it, they made their bed, go lie in it and anyone who wants to defend these bigots are just as bad and you are throwing us under the bus when you do this.

Stabbed in the heart

More Twitter rant here.

If you have been following my blog for 7 years, you probably know I hate passive aggression. I think I have also mentioned I also have anxiety.

Last night on Twitter, someone posted about how hard 4th of July is for them because of their PTSD. I asked about ear plugs and noise cancelling headphones.

I don’t get a response but I do get several likes so I assume everything is fine.

But today in early noon, I find a post by this person about PTSD and it’s about fireworks. I read it and realized the whole post was about me but it was guised as a general post and as awareness. She also had it tagged as ableism. I checked her profile and saw she had unfollowed me. I felt stabbed because instead of telling me why that solution wouldn’t work, she decided to make that post instead and made me out to be some bigot. First of all, she never said fireworks were illegal where she is. I also know people with PTSD that do stay inside and put on thick headphones and listen to music or watch TV. I was trying to be helpful and supportive and this is what I get? It just makes me not want to talk to people if I am going to be reminded what a horrible person I am because of my social skills. Once someone gets offended by me, I cease interaction with them. I don’t know what else will offend them so I just drop them. I unfollowed her since I would no longer interact and I blocked her too not too long later.

I talked to my husband about it so he would know why I was in a bad mood. Interent stuff again because I had offended someone by mistake and instead of telling me what I said wrong, she had to be passive aggressive about it and unfollow me. I am not going to get offended if you tell me what I do wrong if you aren’t salty about it or mean about it or have some attitude and aren’t passive aggressive about it.

My husband thinks I did nothing wrong and it’s her problem and not mine. I was just trying to be helpful and she took it wrong. I am trying to forget about it and my husband said he doesn’t care when he offends people and it happens to him too. He will never see them again. I decided to forget her and he said “yeah forget her, you will never meet her.”

Maybe I did nothing wrong. How am I supposed to know since other PTSD people have used that stuff, even autistic people use them too for in public to avoid sensory overload. I dont think I have seen any of them scream “ableism” whenever someone suggested noise cancelling headphones. But she decided to take my question and turn it into something else.

I don’t normally block people on twitter but this time I did because she had stabbed me and I didn’t want to deal with her if she sees my rant on there too.

My anxiety just makes me not want to talk to people because I could offend them with my social skills and then they will block me or ignore me because of something I said and it makes me feel terrible. Then when I finally get myself out there, something like this happens and I am reminded again why I have anxiety and reminded how bad I am at socializing. I have messed up a lot and been singled out and rejected. I have also been stabbed in the back too. Now it just makes me angry so I have the “fuck you” attitude. So sick of this bullshit.

Edit 7/5/19

After getting support on Adisc, Heidi, my friend from Daily Diapers, my husband, I have come to realize this was not a social and communication issue on my end and it was just the other person with the problem. I still think I made the right choice in blocking her. I wouldn’t have realized I did nothing wrong if it weren’t for me posting about it. Some people really do suck.

Bambinos failing me

Twice, Classicos have been leaking on me. They did that last time too on my last batch. This is so disappointing. Either the design is now bad and the company has gotten cheap or my hip size has shrunk too much they are now too big. I am now down to 34 inches and the diapers are supposed to fit 32-40 waist/hip size. I always go by hip size because my waist size is smaller than my hips. Part of being a woman. I now need to invest in some plastic pants again and may need to get smaller sizes this time because I am not using cloth. I took them out of the plastic bags in the basement and they were all dirty so I washed them in the tub and hung them to dry. I actually rinsed them. I would only use them on diapers that fail me that are supposed to hold well. Mediums is the smallest size the company carries. They used to carry smalls but they stopped because of not enough demand and I am not going to put on weight again just so Bambinos will work with me. I do try to make them tight and now the tabs are pretty close together. They feel like a large now.

I had to come home and change my pants and I put on a pair of plastic pants that weren’t dirty and I put on a clean pair of pants. I did measure my thighs and legs and decided to go for 21 inches. That will help me figure out the size and I should measure my hips again with the diaper on to see what size to get.

The most idiotic comment I have seen in a long time

I saw a comment on Daily Diapers and I am not going to bother to name the thread or say who it is but it was the most stupidest comment ever someone wrote. I just couldn’t be bothered to respond because I felt they won’t listen anyway. Jerry was one of them. But the person who wrote that anyone who sexualizes things that are associated with babies and toddlers should stay away from them. What?

I told that person just because people are into paraphilic infantilism does not mean they get turned on by babies and toddlers.  I also wrote put it this way, lot of people are turned on by males and females but they are not sexually attracted to kids and underage teens and their age would be a turn off for us. But yet they still had their ignoramus view. Thinking I suppress it. What? What am I suppressing? That is like saying I suppress my sexuality for other women. There is nothing to suppress if there is no sexual attraction. I am not sexually attracted to kids in diapers or babies or toddlers. It does nothing for me. I still have a little one in diapers and her being in them does nothing for me. What they wrote was very offensive, accusing me of being sexually attracted and suppressing it.

There is nothing sexy about a underage person wearing them. What they wrote was borderline implying we are all pedophiles, those who are into this sexually, and that reminded me of Jerry about his attitude about AB/DLs and I hate all those people with that thought. Even though he saw nothing sexy about it, he still saw it sexually or else he wouldn’t have felt so negative about it and calling us all pedophiles and saying he feels he is with a baby but then again I think he was over compensating because he felt so negative about it so he projected and acted that way about it.

That. person. Is. An. Idiot.

Ugh, targeted again

I don’t know why is it that some people want to target me. Even autistic people are not immune to this behavior.

I have been singled out on Wrongplanet as well and treated bad there according to some members. I am glad I was not aware of it then but saw then it was okay for others to post weird threads in the adult discussion board but whenever I did, I always got a negative reaction. I sure learned then they are not immune to “NT behavior” I thought then but now I think it’s just human behavior. They are not immune to such behavior. I dealt with it in elementary school as well and have dealt with it from other individuals on the spectrum so it was like elementary school all over again. I no longer do NT bashing like I used to. I quit doing that at age 22.

Now on ADISC, someone is accusing me of doing damage to the disabled community including those with Asprger’s despite that I have dealt with it myself and anxiety and the depression. Why would someone with a disability want to target others with a disability and do whatever the man is accusing me of doing? Hence his post is not making sense. Also I was not the only one who said about people using it as an excuse and even ASD people in the thread were saying the same thing and yet this one person only targets me acting like I am the only one doing it. So I asked him why is he even targeting me and I am not the only one who has said about using it as an excuse so why not go after them too. He is acing like he never read my other posts nor others in the thread.

Sometimes I think there is something about me that makes some people want to single me out or target me. Sometimes I don’t take it personal if I see them doing it to others because then it means it was just random, not that they were specifically targeting me and it was just a coincidence.



I noticed the person had posted again but in another thread and he did not respond to my post in the thread where he claimed i was doing damage to the disabled community. I notice people never admit to what they are doing when you call them out on them targeting you. I feel relieved he is leaving me alone. I wish all kids did when I was growing up. Just back off and leave me be. That was what I wanted too. But instead they would keep on harassing me until I would snap and hit them or shove them and be the one in trouble. The adults didn’t care if I was being bothered. Plus we have laws about harassment and shouldn’t they have been teaching them it’s unacceptable? That is what being a kid is all about, learning about the real world and getting prepared for it. I would have probably been charged with assault if I were an adult. I wonder if that was their intent when they punished me but all it did was it taught me “I am different and deserve to be treated like crap. I am to let other kids bug me and take the crap because I am Beth and god put me here so everyone has someone to pick on and I am not allowed to defend myself.” Yeah no wonder I was depressed and hated myself and wished I was normal. I remember I even wanted to kill myself because I didn’t like it at all and I nearly got hospitalized for it once when I said I was going to do it. Then my mom decided all I needed was love and attention than being locked away so my dad took me home before I was checked in.

I did go away on a trip so maybe this has something to do with it. I wasn’t there for him to bother me and if he notices me on the forum again, I hope he will still leave me alone even if he doesn’t say why he picked me. I was curious before why he was doing it but now I don’t care. Drama is in the past and over with. It’s funny how someone can sound like a nice person and make great posts but then they all of a sudden target you. It’s like they change personality all of a sudden. I remember as a kid, kids would be mean to me but be nice to other kids. My mom said they were just mean kids. Some people are selective about their victims while some may do it to everyone. I am less concerned about a person doing their crap to everyone than to me only. Then there are some people out there who are selective about who they are nice to and I knew a boy like that in my neighborhood. Even he would be nice to me on occasion and that was the only time I ever liked him. but it was always confusing why he would be nice to me and my therapist in high school helped me figure it out. It was because he had no one to play with and everyone was doing other things and I was alone so he played with me and he had to be nice to me to play with me so he got what he wanted and it had to be nice to me to get it and that was playing with me. Then when he didn’t need me, he was back to normal again.

But hey, that is probably why people leave forums when they get bullied or get picked on, it gets them away from the drama and then they come back and everyone has moved on by then and have no interest in continuing the drama where they left off. I have done it before a few times and I hear lot of people do this. So the vacation made me take a break from the place and I went back and there was no continue drama. I wasn’t even on planning to continue it even if he did respond because it would have been over a week ago or something. Maybe sooner since it took him about a week to respond to my post the first time after he did once and deleted it before I saw it so I figured he probably took back what he said and maybe misread and deleted it before I could see it but then decided to respond again a week later and left it this time. Just weird.

Another update: I noticed he was on my friends list and I was puzzled about it. I didn’t bother removing him as a friend because I couldn’t be arsed to do it because I didn’t feel like it and would later when I get around to it. Days past and I keep forgetting and then I finally see him again in a thread and thought “finally, I can do it now” so I go to his profile and it says “add as a friend” and I go to my profile and go to friends and view my friends list so sure enough he wasn’t even listed. I figured he must have removed me before I did and I thought “good. At least he is leaving me alone and I don’t have to worry about him.” I barely see him on the board anyway. But this is some strange situation. There will be things I will never understand about people.

Feel like giving up

I like to write, I really do but I lose interest if people lose interest in my writing or if I don’t get any comments like other people do with their stories. It makes me feel like I am going to have a meltdown, yes over lack of comments. It hurts to see someone else get comments on their story and their main character is autistic and gets badly bullied in school while my own character has some form of it or something similar to it and she also got bullied and my story is written better than that story and bam I only get comments from lurkers while the other person gets comments from forum members who contribute to the forum and comments on stories too. Then I have it posted on dailydiapers too and only got seldom comments while other people get comments from other readers to their stories and I get none from them. It makes me think my stories are not their taste, no one cares, they are not into it so it makes me not want to share my work. Only thing that makes me keep on posting is if at least one person is enjoying it. What I don’t understand is how my thread can be hot due to so many views but have no comments from other readers except one. Why is it I only attract lurkers but not forum members who contribute to the board?

I posted a new story this month and it was a short one and I only got one comment and it had regression in it this time and daddy and little girl and the character is over 18 and I made it sexual this time and still lack of interest from members. I think I will delete it at the end of this month if no one still shows no interest. I may also delete my Incontinent Natalie story too when I get done with it and it will only be on my forum. I think that is where all my future stories will go. That way if anyone is ever interested in my work, I can link them to that board. Only people who show an interest is my online friends because they get curious and I ask them for their feedback.

Why create work and post it and get no feedback from other readers?That is just going to end in disappointment and then you feel you have wasted your time. Lot of authors feel this way and so do artists and musicians. Yeah I know we should all do it for ourselves, if we enjoy it, don’t stop.yeah do that but don’t bother showing your work to the whole world if you barely get any feedback. That will just get you very upset and disappointed.

Update: My online friend from Ohio decided to comment on my story to help make me feel better. I also got another comment on my other story from a newbie who likes daddy/little girl stories. Then yesterday someone else commented on IC Natalie giving me a compliment. So in return I decided to read his story and leave a comment as well. I looked at his history and saw he has written House Rules and I enjoyed it and I saw he used the same theme for his new story, forced diapering and humiliation and getting into deeper trouble with it. Sometimes the types people write do tell me about the author.


I have never been into sex the same way as everyone else nor have I never been into it a lot. I don’t need lot of it and I can live without it. People have never accepted this about me and have treated me like I am broken because they shove it in my face and tell me things like I need to find ways to enjoy it or find what turns me on and on Dailydiapers someone suggests it may be hormonal level and general physical and psychological health. Ugh. People like this piss me off so I put him on ignore. What is it with rude posts lately people have been posting to me? Okay he has been the second person now this month. But what is happening here?

I didn’t start to desire sex or get into it until I was 19 and yes men online told me then I would never find someone if I don’t like it or do lot of the icky things I call it. They would also give me a hard time about it and try and shove it in my face. I only like penis in vaginas. The rest just grosses me out and I have tried anus sex and I don’t like it, accept it people. It’s uncomfortable. I have tried doggy style, I don’t like it, accept it people. I also never tolerated wet and sticky skin from sweat and I never like people touching me none sexually if they have sweat on them. I don’t like how it feels so therefore it bothers me during sex too so my husband and I wear clothes during sex, accept it people (may be sensory related). I never liked porn with sex in it. My mom is the same way about sex. She doesn’t want to hear about it or talk about it or see it but she does have it with my father. I don’t know how often and I don’t know what they do during it, I have never asked and never will because it’s not my business.

I am 28 and I still feel the same way about sex as I did when I was younger. It hasn’t changed. I am not broken and I don’t need to be fixed so shut up.

I am not sure what to call it when people are intolerant towards people who are like me about sex, oh gray-a. That is what I am so gray-a phobics they are. But even asexuals get lot of flak too and also get treated like they are broken. My husband doesn’t understand either. :sigh:

I posted links on the forum about gray-a’s and asexuals for awareness. Homosexuals used to be treated like they are broken and some have even gone into counseling for it thinking they can be fixed but they have come a long ways to be accepted but unfortunately homophobia still exists. I think asexuals still have long ways to go and people like me. Maybe some day they will be accepted too but of course asexualphobia and gray-aphobia will still exist like homophobia still does.

EDIT: I found out there is already a word for it, acephobic.


I do not like bullies, I hate them. There was a 13 year old aspie boy who is being bullied at his school and lot of people are saying he brought it upon himself. Whenever we hear about a person with a disability getting picked on, we always assume they are the victim and being picked on because they are different. The truth is, I was reading two articles about it:

TEEN BULLIED: Students Post Video Online

13RAW VIDEO: Melcher-Dallas Bullying Interviews

and I found out just from reading the comments that the kid was the bully. He has chased a six year old girl down the street with a bat and she didn’t even do anything to him to provoke it. He has brought pellets to school and has threatened to kill his school mates and also would tell them to go kill themselves and even one of his victims left  comment about how he was bullied by him. This isn’t about autistic behavior he was doing, it was bullying. He called a kid a nasty name so he got socked for it. Yes I understand how we tend to lack a social filter and may say the wrong things but if we say something and get socked for it, my mom would have told me lesson learned if I did that as a kid. Okay if I called someone the n word, I cannot blame it on autism. I know it’s offensive. I don’t know what nasty word he called someone’s nephew so I can’t really comment on it and who knows what the parent meant by nasty word. How hard is it to not call someone a nasty word? How hard would it be to not call someone the n word? C’mon on people. Are they really saying in the comments who are defending the boy ASD kids are not able to not call someone a nasty word? Even members get banned from Wrongplanet if they sprout any racism or homophobia or call someone a nasty name since it’s a personal attack. We sure don’t have excuses on that forum for our autism for such behavior.

But reading the comments really lost my sympathy for the poor child. I just have no respect for bullies and I used to bully my own bullies because they were not nice to me. I still bullied them even if they were not even bothering me. It never made sense why I shouldn’t bug them, they were bullies. Then in 5th grade my mom told me to say to this kid who lived on our block, next time the kid calls me stupid, tell him to look it up in the dictionary it has a picture of him and every name he calls me, tell him to lo look that word up and it has a picture of him. So I tried it and it worked and he never bothered me again. My mom didn’t care what I did, she just told the mother her kid needed to toughen up (giving her a taste of her own medicine since she thought other kids needed to toughen up whenever her son picked on them). I also remember kids would do the “Beth germ” crap and say “blackout” as a way to protect themselves from my germs. After a while I started to just touch them to give them my germs and they would get mad at me about it and call me stupid. I never understood why it would piss them off but my school counselor told me when I was in junior high it was because I was taking away their power. But by fifth or sixth grade, the Beth germ thing stopped. They had moved on.

I have noticed that when you have autism, it seems like it’s okay to bully other kids and blame the victim (the victims the autistic kid is bullying) and if they defend themselves, they are the bullies. It infuriates me. I never got any special privileges as a kid. I was given the same rules as everyone else and expected to follow them. I had no excuses and I would also get in trouble if I did anything to my bullies. I was never treated like a label nor treated like a disability and even the school didn’t excuse me. It’s so easy to paint someone as a victim when they have a disability. I mean what happens if some autistic person tries to rape me so I fight him off me and defend myself and flee, I would get blamed for it for kicking and hurting him? Or what if he did rape me and some angry mob went after him, would people paint him as a victim? This makes me sick and that is how I view this incident. Reading the comments, I see the kid has gotten suspended before and kicked off the bus for his bullying and he is still at it. I will agree with some comments that more needs to be done since suspension has not worked and perhaps the kid should be in some behavior program. I think all bullies should be in one if they are not able to quit. Also the mother of the child posted and he does get punished at home for his behavior but the other kids on the bus didn’t get punished for theirs like touching his bag or hitting him. Good for her then for not giving him special treatment and no one ever told her about the bat incident. A parent can’t do their job if no one tells them what their kid did wrong. If my parents never told Frankie’s parents their kid threw an ax at my brothers and their friends, they wouldn’t have shipped him off to Seattle because they would not have known about it.

Also to the person in the comments who thinks it’s ignorant to think a special needs child should be removed from the room when they are acting up or having an outburst or disrupting other students or being violent just like any other child, I was always taken back to the resource room whenever I would have an episode in class or start getting disruptive with my constant questioning or my anxiety. No way was my aid going to have me disrupt the other students and the teacher so yes I agree with the mother who thinks special needs kids should be removed from their classroom if they get disruptive. No free pass. I was also given ISS for throwing a book at a girl’s face because she was insulting me about my problem. But yet she didn’t get in trouble for trying to attack me and my mom called it self defense, well I got fed up with kids being ignorant about my disability I snapped and threw a book at the girl and she happened to be the culprit. Why does this have to be backwards but not for other kids on the specturm if this were to happen to them? Mom said I wanted to be treated like a normal person, they treated me like a normal person and other parents out there want their disabled kids to be treated normal and so do they with disabilities but yet they don’t like if this happens to them or their child what happened to me? How fair is that? That’s why it all infuriates me ASD kids get a free pass to bad behavior and their victims are the “bullies.”
I have also been suspended from softball once for a day for flipping out on my teacher because I thought she was screaming at me when really she was just scared because she thought I was going to run in the street because the drivers were not watching the road (they were all distracted by the old school building being torn down) and I would get really impulsive sometimes when I would get very upset or very excited but I was no idiot to run in the street (running in the street with lot of traffic means getting hit by a car so why would an impulsive person do it if they know the consequence?)and why would I want to run in the street just to look at the building being torn down? I was seen as the one being disrespectful and got suspended from my team for one day.

Now you can understand my politically incorrect “ignorant” thought about disabilities and ASDs because of how I was raised and treated. Even Temple Grandin was raised the same way and I will quote my favorite line from her “autism is no excuse for poor table manners.” Yeah that pisses off some people on the spectrum and see her as arrogant and some blame it on her own autism for how she talks about the whole spectrum thing.

Bad day today

Damn it, I want my husband to get better. He won’t be returning to work July 8th and it’s now undetermined. He is getting better but he had to miss his appointment today because they didn’t want him walking. His mom couldn’t come and take him because of no gas money and our money is tight. I can’t take him because his appointment was too late in the day and I have to work and can’t afford to miss work and his appointment would last a while I don’t know how long. The disability still hasn’t kicked in because the doctor forgot to put something on the papers. I have been missing out on my autism groups because of money issues and my husband thinks we are doing fine and I am just doing this to myself and it’s all in my head. Well he says we have over 200 in the bank and we still have to grocery shop and that is about 100 there and bus pass that be 26 bucks (thank god for honorary citizen because the adult ones would cost in the 80’s since they keep raising their bus fares and I got tired of it and them fucking with our budget so I decided to start getting that bus pass instead because it’s a lot cheaper and they rarely raise the fare for people who get that special bus fare so that means all the none disability people are screwed if they are low income or struggling with their finances) and we have that credit card bill that is 89 bucks so how could I possibly have afford to go to my group? I even cancelled out this weekend because I am not using my gas to drive up to another state and go to the video game party there at the library. I gotta save as much gas as possible but thank god the gas prices are dropping.

So I have been having anxiety all day and crying and my husband decided to baby me. So he kept me in diapers and is making me use them and he has been holding me and even rocked me. He said I needed it. He had been doing this off and on.

Right now I can’t handle doing anything, not even something simple. My mother wants me on medicine for anxiety but it’s even too stressful to even bother to figure out what steps to take to do it and to even find a doctor and make the appointment and to spend money on medicine. Catch 22. I decided when they do move out here, I will leave during the day as they move in so I won’t have anxiety there and mom won’t get mad at me about it because she be unable to cope with it. Good thing I don’t have my son or else I wouldn’t be able to take care of him very well and it be more stress. But once they send us that damn check, my stress level will drop and so will the anxiety. Then simple things wouldn’t cause it anymore. I have not even been calling my parents to see how our son is doing because I am afraid mom will ask me if I have been to the doctor yet and no way am I lying to her. She would find out anyway when she gets here so why lie? These things have always been stressful for me and hard but it’s just been worse now because of my sick husband and no disability check and not being able to do my normal stuff and us getting this house soon. I could never handle stress well and that is why I get Social Security because I shut down when I get stressed out and run into roadblocks and I can’t handle it so I get lazy. But does society give a shit? No.

I can’t wait until we get this house. I gotta save money for that too for gas. Plus I have that beach party I want to go to but I may wait and see if I can go or not because it be using gas to get there. Hopefully he will get the check by then. We even have that car insurance to pay and my husband says he has it all planned out. We may have to use our savings for the insurance. I also have not been putting more books on bookmooch to mooch away due to money and I have to pay money to ship the books off. Luckily no one else has mooched anymore books from me and if they did, they would have to wait a while.