Peed on the bathroom floor

This happened yesterday.

I changed in the bathroom and I took my diaper off and clean my bottom and then I peed again and it went down my leg and on the floor. It wasn’t a lot and it was not vaginal discharge. I used the wipe to soak it and then I got another one and wiped my leg and the floor. Also when I went in the bathroom today to take a dump because I didn’t want to use my diaper for it and waste it, I saw I had a little bit of pee in my diaper because of the small yellow spot I saw. I leak urine sometimes and if I really had an excuse to wear protection, it would be pads because they would take car of my leaks sometimes when it happens. But I wear diapers instead and it’s not for this reason. But I do admit leaking urine does excite me, especially when it went down my leg in the bathroom and I had to clean it up even though it was annoying. I don’t want to pee outside my diapers but yet whenever I leak urine when not wearing a diaper, it excites me. It still does when I leak it into my diaper. This is what sometimes happens when you have kids. Bladder leakage. In fact someone at work has that problem too but it’s way worse than mine because I found Poise pads soaked with pee when I emptied out the sanitary napkin holders and it had two of them in there. Either someone used both of them at once because they won’t use a pull up or a diaper for their problem or they changed it twice in there. But I had seen them upstairs too when I have cleaned the restrooms on the main floor so I assume they came from the same person. It could be from a mother who had bladder leakage but hers is a lot worse than mine.

When I worked in a hotel in downtown, I saw a bunch of trash in the service area from a room attendant and one of the bags was popped open and in there was a very wet adult pull up with a bunch of drenched paper towels soaked with pee. I figured someone wore them in their pull up as soakers and I thought “Why didn’t they just use a diaper, it looks like they need more protection.” but sadly diapers are still stigmatized even people who need to wear them won’t wear one. They might stick with pads or pull ups instead and change like every half hour or so and waste a lot of products when they might be saving money with diapers that have tabs. My goal is not to stigmatize diapers for my kids for if they ever need to wear them such as for bed wetting or if they ever get a medical condition where they might need to wear one. You just never know what can happen to your kids in their lifetime; car accident, UTI, being beaten up, surgery, etc. I have always told my son he didn’t need to wear them anymore so he had to learn to use the potty and he won’t have to get his diapers changed anymore or having to get his butt wiped and he won’t have to be wet or messy anymore. Well that turned out to be a lie because he has wet messy farts so his underwear gets all messy, he still has to get his butt wiped after he poops or when he does wet poopy farts and thanks to my husband, he thinks diapers are for babies because he had told him kids will think he is a baby if he wears them and threatens to put him back in them and kids will make fun of him and think he is a baby because only babies wear them and saying he is a big boy now. what have I done about it? Nothing really except disagree about it and I never bother correcting him (our son) if he says diapers are for babies because I don’t want him to get into diapers and wanting to wear them. (We don’t want to raise our kids to be AB/DL) Plus I have told him his sister pooped because she is a baby and that is what babies do. How else do I explain why she did it when he asked why she pooped or why is she wet or smelly? It’s like he has forgotten I wear them so that shows us wearing them doesn’t make a difference to our kids. They will still associate diapers with babies and not seem to care that we wear them. Instead they might think that only babies and their parent only wears them because that is how concrete they are. But I don’t remind him about me wearing them and I as a mom don’t feel comfortable calling them diapers in front of him when they are mine. It feels like I am pushing my fetish in his face if I do and involving him. I also won’t even let him see me in them anymore and I also won’t let him see pictures of adults in them because I view it as porn and it’s not something I want him to be exposed to. He’s four now so times change as he gets older. Kids can see their parents naked but when they get to a certain age, their parents no longer let them see them naked but in my family we always could if we were the same gender like my brothers could see our dad naked but I couldn’t see him naked and I could see our mom naked but my brothers couldn’t see her naked but my mom and dad could see each other naked because they are married. I thought it was like this in all families but apparently not. Now my dad doesn’t care if I see him naked but I don’t want to see him naked, my mom doesn’t want me to see her naked because then I end up staring at her body. Not that it’s sexy or hot, she doesn’t have a good body but I always like looking at gross and unusual things and things that are different than what I have seen in magazines. But she is fine with seeing me naked including in a diaper but I am not comfortable with the diaper part. Yes we are a weird family.

Silly answer to a silly question

Here is one thing that a four year old is good at, asking 437 questions a day. Fortunately my son doesn’t ask that many questions or he is smart enough to realize “Mom doesn’t know all the answers so don’t ask her too much.” Sometimes they will ask silly ones and mostly I have no idea how to answer them because I don’t know either. I have only known two four year olds who had this badly and wouldn’t accept any answer so they would ask the same ones over and over, fortunately mine doesn’t do this.

Today we were going for a walk, my son, my daughter, and me, we were walking through a neighborhood behind our house and we go by this two story house with steps that lead up to the front door. My son asks “Why are there stairs there?” and I knew how to answer this silly question this time. I told him if they didn’t have stairs there, then people would have to use a ladder to read the door knob to get it open and they would have to climb inside. it would be annoying to have to put up a ladder every time and to climb up it and putting the ladder away so stairs make it a lot easier to get to the door so you wouldn’t have to use a ladder. I felt proud of myself for being able to answer this question without saying “I don’t know.”

I can remember this conversation from when I was eight. Mom took me to pottery class every Wednesday after school. We would drive through the original part of town that had very old houses and where the fort was. They had flower beds and grass between the roads and they also had this white thing I am not sure what they are called. But it had a roof too with white pillars and I would always ask my mother every time we drove by it “What is that for?” and I didn’t accept any answer my mom gave me. It was like a ritual I had, ask her that question every time we drive by it and then one day she told me “I keep telling you what it is and you won’t accept the answer. Should I make up an answer and tell you that is where they tie people up there instead of taking them to jail because they have no room in them so they take them there and tie them up there so they won;t go anywhere.” I thought this was funny and I pictured officers taking people there and tying them to the poles. So then on every time we drove by there I would point to it and say “there’s the jail.” This was a clever answer my mom gave me to get me to quit asking her that question. Now she had to hear me say it was the jail every time we went by it. I guess I was satisfied with the answer even though I knew it wasn’t true. But I must have annoyed my mother with my bunch of asking questions but she knew how to shut it up in me but it was never a cure because they would return in other situations.

Disgusting Things You Have To Do As a Parent, cleaning up shit

My brother came over yesterday and brought his sons over so my son and his both played outside together. Then my son came inside with poop on his legs and I had to clean it up and then my nephew came inside with poop on him too. My son had pooped outside near the swing set so I had him show me. It was three big poops he did and he said he couldn’t hold it. I had to find a shovel to move it in the weeds so it won’t be stepped on and there was poop on my daughter’s exercauser and poop on the toy Haley Davidson bike. Mom washed the toy while I washed the shit off the wheel off the Harley Davidson bike. Then I had to move the shit off the lawn and I used a mini shovel and I tossed the poop in the back in the weeds.

Weight on my chest

They almost feel like chest pains. My anxiety had been getting worse and worse so I couldn’t stop screaming at my kids and anything they do would make me tense. The whining, the screaming, touching my stuff or touching things that are not hers, so I find myself yelling “no’ often like she is a dog. I can’t just shut myself in my room and be alone because I have kids. Yesterday I was screaming at my husband and I felt like a out of control woman you would see on the Dr. Phil show when you see a movie of someone screaming and they look like a crazy person. We had people coming over and I knew that was going to make me more anxious because that means more demands, more chaos, more noise, and I wouldn’t be able to relax so that will make my anxiety worse and I was worried about having a freak out. Luckily my husband let me stay in my room and didn’t bother me and he took care of the kids because he couldn’t deal with me. He had also noticed it had been getting worse and worse and to him it looked like me acting like a little kid. I was hating myself and how worse my anxiety was getting and it was like I couldn’t get a break because my anxiety would come back fast over a few things my kids would do rather it was not listening, talking in a whiny vice, touching my things, my daughter crying and not stopping and not stopping her fussing either, then them doing sibling rivalry.

So I stayed in my room while everyone was outside visiting and then I had my daughter only and taking care of one kid was enough, two was too much for me. Then I finally came outside when I heard my parents were home because I heard their voices. I came out and sat outside and my mom asked me how my day had been. I decided to be honest and answer it literally so I told her it had been very stressful and she asked me why. I told her my anxiety had been getting worse and worse and I can’t take it anymore because I hate yelling at my kids and I have no patience because anything tiny bothers me and puts me in intense mood. My mom then told me what was causing all of it was the unknown of going to the airport when we take off. I don’t know what to expect like what to do when we get there, how will we get through security, what do we need to pack or check on, what time to get there. My husband thought it was money that was causing it but my mom said no it was the unknown because I bought the tickets, I knew how much we spent and I chose to spend that much so she said today we would go to the airport and see where to get off at, where to go and get our questions answered. Then I started to feel better and I noticed the anxiety was gone.

Today we went to the airport around ten and we found short term parking and found where we would have to get off and unload the car and we went inside and talked to one of the security at the checkpoint where people put their bags in the machine and walk though this machine and they gave us a card to call and they said they do good accommodating people with disabilities and they can lead us through it ad they would be waiting for us when we get there and we also talked to one of the guys at the checkout for American Airlines and I found out car seats and strollers were free to check on and he said that when we get up to the counter, just tell them we need someone to assist us because of my husband’s disability and my mom was able to remember the verbal instructions so I wrote them down when she repeated them to me. Then I felt so much better and didn’t feel any anxiety anymore and I didn’t feel so irritable. Then we went to target and bought a new stroller for the trip and it’s smaller and not a hummer and it will give us more room in the trunk.

My son went with us and I saw how he will get in the airport because he got bored and he also didn’t like waiting so I got to see what behavior to expect from my kid. My husband also noticed how much better I am acting and I wasn’t yelling at my kids anymore. I love my mother. She still helps me and she still has to tell me why I am having anxiety because I have no clue why it’s happening and what is causing it, all I know is it has gotten worse and I don’t know why. Sometimes I do know. My dad doesn’t understand it because he will say things like “relax” “You are getting upset over nothing” “Just roll with the punches” “You’re getting excited” and he will think I am over reacting and act like my feelings are nothing and my fears and my ex’s didn’t understand it either and I think it was easier for my ex’s to just think I used it as an excuse so they wouldn’t have to be responsible for my anxiety or do anything to lesson it and so they wouldn’t have to support me or help me out because it was just too much for them even though they had it themselves. It was a cop out to think that way. Which is why we were incompatible. I am lucky to have a husband who understands.

My son’s reward.

Today was his last day of school and it’s going to be so hard for him because he loves going to school and then he won’t be going anymore until September. I went to the graduation ceremony and each kid got their reward. My son got a Most Improvement reward and I felt a little nervous because I didn’t know what the teacher was going to say about it but she kept it vague saying he has improved in making friends and learning to ask for help when he needs it. She didn’t say how he struggled socially and how he was aggressive and not talking well and how he had problems with turn taking and transitions, etc. Instead she kept it normal and I doubt my son would have been humiliated if all that was said to all the parents who were there and in front of his classmates. She is a good teacher.

Disgusting thing you have to do as a parent, cleaning up vomit

We did not go see my niece graduate because we did not have tickets. So we went to the barbecue instead and it was over 90 degrees out and I had air on in the car. But on the way our son threw up and he said Sissy threw up too. My husband and I thought he was fibbing so we ignored it. Then we stopped at a McDonalds and my husband took him inside to get him cleaned up and we both saw Sissy did throw up and she made a big mess. So I had to clean up my computer my son got some puke on and then my husband came back out and he took care of the car seats while I went inside with Sissy and cleaned her up. My husband nearly vomited because of the smell. Then we strapped the kids back in and went to the barbecue and we were nearly an hour late. My son had no clean clothes so he ended up with a bunch of clean clothes because we stopped at a yard sale and my husband bought some pants and shirts that were too big for him but he still wore one of the shirts. Our daughter was just naked and once we got there, I cleaned the car seats. I took them out and washed them by thee house and used laundry soap and a sponge and scrubbed the seats where there was puke and I also scrubbed the straps and sprayed the seats and left them to dry out in the sun. It was so hot out so I took advantage of the heat. Then the car seats looked good as new. Just my daughter’s, not the other one. But my daughter’s was still wet when we left and she cried when my husband put her in it but he told her it will help keep her cool. She cried while she was there because she was hot and they have no AC. I stayed inside mostly and I had a hot dog, hamburger, macaroni salad, cheese, and sparkling grape juice and it made me gain two pounds. I also had sweets too all day. We left our son behind because he wanted to stay there. He will be back today.

Out of diapers

Today was the first time we ever ran out of diapers. I thought my husband had some in the basement because he told me he brought down one of the packs. I used the last diaper this morning and then I thought she was poopy when I decided to put her down for a nap. She was fussing. I grabbed the wipes and headed to the basement to change her and she had none left so I left her with him and went to the store to get more diapers. I also got two candy bars. One for me and one for my son. I come home and change her and she was only wet so she must have only farted. I changed her anywhere and it’s not like I wasted my time going and getting diapers, we were out of them anyway so at least I got some now before she was leaking or had a blow out and then finding out she had none. Now I know how parents run out of diapers and not buy more when they are low. They think they have another pack somewhere but they don’t because they don’t realize their partner had used them all too. It feels like we had just gotten some too and we’re already out.

Then I put my girl down for her nap and gave her a bottle and then it was time to get my son from school.