I have taught my son a new term, dead mall. That is what I always call the mall near us because lot of stores there are vacant so I consider it dead. It’s just a tiny mall and my parents were there sometimes when I was a toddler so I have vague memories being there and I only remember being there once in sixth grade and it was still 80’s looking or 70’s looking, probably never been updated until the year 2002 according to the internet and it also had a face lift. I took my son to Target and I let him pick out a present for his sister and he got her two things and then we looked at the games and then we went to checkout and I wanted candy for a dollar and my son decided he wanted M&Ms so I got him those since I was getting myself something. Then after we paid, I said to him “let’s walk around the mall now” and he said “the dead mall” and the cashier laughed and asked me if I would like to take the cart around the mall and I almost said no but then realized I would have to carry my daughter around and my arm would get sore so I said “yes” and he unlocked the cart so it wouldn’t lock when I left the store. He calls it a dead mall too because of me. It wouldn’t surprise me if they tore it down and made it all a box development. Outdoor malls are getting popular again and indoor malls are getting less common and more are expected to decline in the next ten years. I read online a indoor mall had not been built in the states since the year 2006. I bet they will be the next drive in theater meaning they will keep on declining like drive in theaters did and pretty soon they will be rare to find. We only have one still but it’s out of our area but close by and I hear it’s hard to get in so you have to leave extra early to get in. I have only been to a drive in theater once when I was three and my parents took out all the seats and put in the playpen and had my brother and I in it (times were different then so if someone did that today what my parents did, social services will be involved your kids will be taken and you are charged with child endangerment and neglect) and we had popcorn and we saw a movie. They tore that drive in theater down and I think they use it as storage now for carnival rides but they left the sign there. I think that was the one we went to because I can remember the hills and the trees and seeing satellite towers I always saw from the freeway. Sadly our kids may not ever experience a drive in movie like I did once. But at least they will experience a plane ride and going across country this summer.

I also did some streepassing at the mall because they have a Home Depot and I walked in there and came out and sat down at a table because my son wanted to sit and he ate his M&Ms while I played my 3DS. Then we looked for a drinking fountain because my son was thirsty but we couldn’t find one and then we headed back to Target and I brought back one of their other shopping carts but then they locked when we got back in the store so I had to carry my daughter and the bag and my son played with the new toy he got her, it’s one of those push things made by Fisher Price and those things have been around for a real long time, and I tried a sample drink that is a vitamin and my son tied some but didn’t like it because it was too foamy. I didn’t like it either and the lady had no way of dumping it and she wouldn’t do it in the trash and she was okay with it. By the time we got out of the store, the drink was no longer foamy so my son wanted it all of a sudden when I offered it to him. It was a kid’s drink. My arm was also sore from carrying my baby and by the time we got back to the car, I put her in and then my son and gave him the drink and he had finished it by the time we left the paring lot. Then I stopped at Safeway and ordered a cake and went straight home skipping McDonalds because my kids were hungry and so was I and my son was starting to act up. he did good the whole time even though he did run around while I sat at the table in the mall but the place was empty and barely any people so it didn’t matter if he was running around and shouting. I cooked mac and cheese when I got home and I was going to go to another autism group but my husband was sick and he wasn’t up for watching kids again and he watched them all day yesterday and I wasn’t going to have my parents baby sit because they have their own lives and I don’t want to put a burden to them. Oh well maybe next time, as I told the guy from my group on the train, I keep forgetting and also I have kids. Sometimes I feel like I am using them as an excuse to not do something because I know I could just dump them on my husband and have him suffer or put a burden on my parents. I know they always end up watching them because my husband withdraws or because his feet hurt too much or because he is not feeling well. But when they are not around or are too busy with work, he is forced to do it. But yet I am able to always make the other group.

Yay wi fi is back

The wi fi at Barnes and Noble finally worked again. I go to the mall and walk into two stores and then the bookstore and the Nintendo Zone is working so I turn on my Nook and I am connected to the shop. But I had to finish The Lemonade Trial first and then I continued reading My Daughter Susan Smith and read ten pages before I had to head to work. The wi fi didn’t work yesterday or the day before but it did today so I am hoping it will work again tomorrow so I can keep doing my quests and collecting panels. I am almost done with Mario Kart 7, only two more pieces to go.

Bad Parenting Moment

I took my son to school and came home and I was on the computer and I saw it was only ten am. I must have gotten over focused because when I saw the time again, it was 11:29 and school had gotten out nine minutes ago. So i got off and told my Dad I had to pick my kid up and I left my baby with him. it’s only a five minute drive to get there so I got there in no time and I saw my son walking with his teacher. I felt a little embarrassed because i didn’t pick him up. I parked and got out and was apologizing saying I lost track of time and she said “it happens.” Then she said she had just called and was that my dad or dad in law she was talking to and I said it was my dad and asked what did he say and she said he said I was on my way. I am sure other parents have done it but only once in a while is fine but doing it often may raise concerns and get social services called. I just hope this was a one time thing and I won’t keep getting hyper focused I forget about the time and then forget to pick up my son. What was I doing for a half hour after seeing the time? I remember I was working on my story and my daughter was with me. Was I busy with her too? It feels like I stepped out of reality because I can’t remember. My son even thought I wouldn’t come. He wasn’t crying or anything when I got there. But I saw he was very happy to see me because he got a big smile on his face and shouted “Mommy” and hugged me.

More relaxed at work

I have noticed when I leave early for work and stop at Barnes & Noble for streetpasses and to read, I work at slower pace at work and don’t get off as soon. I guess I don’t feel as anxious so I am working slower and taking my time. I still get off a little early but at least I am nit getting off at 8:20 or 8:10 or 7:55. I couldn’t figure out how slow to work or how fast and then doing the streetpassing thing was stressing me out during work because I would the be anxious to get done as if my hobby was more important than working. So I decided to leave early and stop at the bookstore and read and collect streetpasses and I don’t have to play the Mii Plaza games there. I can play it during break. But Mondays and Fridays are hard because I get done too soon no matter what because there is barely anything to vacuum and dust and my boss wants me to work till nine by helping other co workers but I can’t even find them when I look. Shall I keep looking till nine? But then what do I do if I have five minutes left of work and I finally saw one of my co workers? Also I wish I didn’t get so nervous about asking them if they need any help. It also makes it so hard. I get all this anxiety and the other day I did see one of them right by the daycare way at the other end and I asked her if she needed help and it wasn’t bad but it took me ten minutes to do what she gave me to do. I don’t think my boss liked that because she decided to add to my work by telling me do spot cleaning in the stair well and doing more dusting. So I mop the whole stairwell and do more dusting but I don’t know what she wants me to dust. Today I got done at 8:45 so I clocked out since that was close to nine and I went straight to the train stop than going to the mall since I always need to be home around 9:30 because my daughter doesn’t always take the bottle. But she has for the past two days. I think she is getting used to it now. I think she has finally figured out she either goes hungry or take the bottle. Unless my husband is giving it to her when she is sleeping because he found that is the only way she will take it.

On Dr. Phil

The last two days, I was watching the Dr. Phil show and it was about kelli and Issy Stapleton. I was hoping to hear Matt’s side of the story and the other kids and Issy but that never happened because Matt felt it should be Kelli’s story. Watching the whole thing was frightening because it was like watching a horror movie but it was with autism. They kept showing that video over and over of Kelli being attacked by her daughter who was then 13 and it sounded like something you would hear in a horror movie. I got sick of them showing that video over and over because it was horrifying and I felt haunted at work about the video and how violent some autistic kids can get and people find this acceptable? I imagined what if a movie company made a horror film and they decided to use an autistic character and it makes them kill people with their meltdowns. I bet lot of ASD people would get offended by it because they didn’t like how their condition was used to kill people in the movie. Now it was relieving to hear that most autistic people are not violent and this was just rare with Issy and most autistic kids are not violent. I can understand why autistic people would be upset by the show, they are concerned people will watch it and then fear autistic people and fear them when they find out they are on the spectrum. They fear they will have to hide their condition and not be able to disclose their autism or people might think they will attack them when they don’t get their way or when someone refuses to give into their demand or don’t do it fast enough or when they do something unintentionally that may be a sound that bothers them or if they accidentally bump into them as they walk by or maybe making a sound might make them fly into rage and assault them. It was bad enough when Adam Lanza shot his mother and went to school and killed a bunch of kids and they tried to blame it on autism. Then our fear was people think aspies are dangerous and all need to be locked up and if someone is an aspie, run from them because they might shoot you.

But face it, some autistic people are dangerous. We can’t hide it from reality because it’s the truth and get mad at anyone who talks about how violent their autistic child is. While it may be rare they are violent, there will always be someone online who will post about how aggressive their autistic child gets and what they do or how they have taken a knife and held it up to their them or pointed it at them or whatever, but that is the internet and things always seem more common when you hear about it online than in real life. Like I said in my other blog entry, of all the special needs kids I have been around growing up, only two were violent. Frankie and that one boy in my class named Russell. But statistically, most mentally ill and disabled people are not violent or destructive. It’s been stigmatized because the bad stands out more so whenever a person with a disability or someone with a mental illness commits a crime or is abusive, people find out about it because it goes in the media or the families tell the story and people gossip. So it makes it look like lot of them are violent.

What I do think  is messed up is how kelli had to attempt to kill her daughter to finally get help for her because Dr. Phil is having a foundation on his website where you can donate to help Issy with treatment. Parents shouldn’t have to attempt to kill their children to get help. That just shows how wrong the system is. This other mother who is Issy’s friend also has an autistic son who is also violent and has sent her to the hospital too and given her fractured bones and black eyes decided to end it all by stopping her car on the tracks and wait for the train to come. Then fortunately, the mother snapped back into reality and drove off the tracks after sitting there for ten minutes and the next day she lucked out because she got a call and they finally took him somewhere for him to get treatment. Now the mom is safe in her own home. I decided I want to donate to Issy so she can get better and be a good person. Instead of bitching about her in my blog and how heartless other people are and thinking it’s acceptable for her to abuse her mother just because she is autistic and how Kelli should take it all in, do something about it. Dr. Phil decided to help Kelli and her family and Issy out by doing a foundation for her so why not and donate some money to them to help the situation. But right now our money is tight so when pay day comes I want to donate a little money. A little money is better than nothing.

But here is something I find confusing. One of Kelli’s friends said how Issy is targeting her little sister and Kelli isn’t there to protect her from Issy. They have created a plan for the sister and she either locks herself in her room or in their car to get away from her when she is attacking. That totally upset me and how is this acceptable. Why is the dad allowing this? If this were my sister, she would be living in a hospital because my mom would have sent her there because everyone has the right to be safe in their own home. Then we hear a little side of the dad’s story, his name is Matt and he said the opposite. He said Issy is doing better and he fails to mention how aggressive she is towards her sister. That is something I would love to ask him.

I do think Kelli should have sent her daughter to a hospital and she was given that option. I know this because I listened to the radio interview that took place a year before the attempted murder and she said she was given that offer and it would be up to a year but Kelli refused it. She didn’t want to not see her daughter for a year. Another option was to take her other two kids and pack up and leave their home leaving behind Issy and Matt. But I wonder if they had any place to go like stay at a friends or parent or relatives? Better than attempted murder right? Either option will get you judged but it’s still better than attempted murder.  Should Kelli have called the police on Issy and have her charged with assault? The police could shoot her in self-defense if she attacks them or she could end up with a criminal record so calling the police wouldn’t be an option.  I say for any parent, be careful when you call the police on your sick child.

And I was nervous about the autistic boy I know in real life who is my husband’s old friend’s son because his wife posted on Facebook about her step son having disruptive behavior disorder and it’s a form of ODD and conduct disorder but it fits in neither of those. It’s a NOS label. My husband assured me he isn’t violent and his behavior disorder is with behavior, not aggression. I felt silly after that because I was so worried before bringing my kids to his birthday and I don’t want them to get hurt by him because what kind of parent would bring their kids to someone who is violent, especially if they are on the spectrum of ODD and Conduct disorder? I had never seen the kid violent so why was I so worried? Because of a label his step mom mentioned on Facebook? I never told her why I was so nervous about coming. I didn’t want to offend her so I ignored the question. I am sure she thinks I was nervous because of a new route there and knowing how to get there and what the route will look like and the roads and buildings because I was talking about that at the party how I had to look on Google maps so I know what to expect and I was so nervous about getting lost.

Will Issy ever get over her aggression or remain violent and be in prison someday or a mental hospital when she assaults someone when she is eighteen or older or even kill someone? Time will tell.

Only thing that bothered me about the show was when Kelli kept saying how she hated the autism and being in jail is better than a cell of autism. I wished she said instead jail is better than a cell of abuse or violence. That sounds better.

I just thought of something humorous, an aspie kept saying on the Dr. Phil page “please don’t kill me” to people who were feeling sorry for Kelli so I imagined NTs telling an aspie or an autistic person “Please don’t attack me” or “please don’t hurt me” when they find out they are on the spectrum because of ASD people and some NTs thinking it’s okay for Issy to be abusive and parents are wrong to be hurt by them and be the victims of their violence as if they have to be god. I could say to people as a joke “Don’t worry I won’t hurt you if you say no to me” or tell my boss “Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you if you give me more tasks to do.” I always tell my husband or father, “Don’t worry, I won’t kill you” when they talk about life insurance because some people have put their partners on life insurance and then kill them for the money.

Lemonade Wars

I just finished the book today and I want to read the sequel books to the book. It’s a series. I could relate so much to Jessie it was like I was reading about my childhood again. I never had conflicts with my brothers or do any wars with them but Jessie had a hard time reading people and understanding them and she would get confused by their actions and why they were upset. But she was still a nice person and she made a friend. She and her brother were able to resolve their issues while my mother always had to help me resolve mine because I couldn’t do it myself. But now I have moved onto another book and I forget the name of it but it’s about a boy with a learning disability and he meets his old friend who has a condition that gives him growth retardation so he is very small but he is very smart. It seems like the bookstore is doing disability awareness or is it a coincidence they have out all these books on display that is about a character with a disability. There are other books but not all of them are about a disability. I have finished reading Rules, Out of My Mind, and Lemonade Wars. I related a little to David because I also liked rules as a kid and needed them so I knew how to act and what to expect. My mom had to give me them every time we went somewhere. Plus I learned in the Rules book, they aren’t really rules people do because most people don’t see them as rules but I do. Even my high school therapist called them rules too. He would tell me it’s not the social rules or that me and other kids are not following the social rules.

Maybe after I run out of interesting books to read in the bookstore or when they decide to take them off display and put up new books, I will return to my Nook and finish the book there and then read the rest of the Lemonade War series. It’s killing two birds with one stone, I go there to streetpass and I read. I don’t play my Mii Plaza games there always because I would rather read to finish the book.

I goofed up

In my last blog entry, I talked a little about child abuse and I said how Sarah Burleton was tossed down the stairs by her mom and her aunt took her to the hospital. That was about something else. Her aunt decided to visit her sister at her apartment and she saw Sarah had two black eyes and a bloody nose and her mom said she fell. Sarah’s aunt knew you do not get two black eyes from falling so she took her to the hospital and not only did they have two black eyes and a bloody nose, she also had a fractured skull. Sarah asked her aunt when she told her this story when her son was little and she was about his age when it happened, why didn’t anyone call the cops, her aunt said times were different then. This had to be the early eighties when this happened. I did learn one thing from her first book, CPS was still useless and not as good when I was a kid. My mom also told me there was no mandatory law to report child abuse and it wasn’t enforced. It also told me Heather the Babysitter written by *bleg* Deeker may have been plausible because the time it was written, people back then just didn’t call social services. But yes Sarah was tossed down the stairs and broke her collar bone from the toss and her mother didn’t get arrested. Who knows what the cover up story was, “I tripped and she flew out of my arms.” I still can’t imagine any mom doing that to a helpless kid and I was so horrified her mom could be so capable of being so evil to an infant and she was abusing her then as a infant and toddler. I would love to sock the mother and send her a nasty email. I am sure lot of people feel that way and I doubt Sarah will post her mom’s home address or her email. I also felt the same way about Catherine Pelzer when I read A Child Called “it.” Send her a nasty letter if I knew her address. People who like to believe these stories are fake, good for them. I guess they are better off not knowing how horrible parents can be to their kids. Ignorance is a bliss. People today still don’t want to believe how real child abuse is just like how people don’t want to believe how real it is that men can be victims of domestic abuse or how real it is that parents can be victims of abuse from their underage children. In fact there is a movie about a guy being abused by his wife and it’s called Men Don’t Tell. It was only aired once and women groups got offended by it and got it banned. I saw it on youtube and I was happy how the daughter ratted her mom out because she was concerned about her being in huge trouble for what she does. Then the father was released and had full custody over their kids and told his ex wife or separated wife (not sure if they were divorced or not) to get help.

And I will be honest, I used to not believe men could be abused by their wives because they are stronger and could easily restrain them so why would they let their wives abuse them? I also thought the same about children too. Toddlers can get aggressive and if it’s sometimes painful when they scatch or bite you or head butt you in the face, imagine if it was done with intent. It will be a lot more painful and harder to restrain them. I saw how strong a child can be. If I had to hold my son away from me or hold his arms and feet to keep him from kicking and hitting, imagine doing that to a five year old or to a seven year old. Most kids outgrow their aggressive behaviors by the time they are five years old. My son outgrew his and he is only three so that shows each kid is different. Or because I taught him to not do it. I also used to believe parents should put up with the abuse from their child but I have realized safety comes first, same as if a child gets aggressive unintentionally and they have gotten too big to be restrained by their parents and have gotten too strong they could now easily hurt them. After reading persona stories, yes I have changed my views. Why can’t other people and why is this all rocket science?