I have taught my son a new term, dead mall. That is what I always call the mall near us because lot of stores there are vacant so I consider it dead. It’s just a tiny mall and my parents were there sometimes when I was a toddler so I have vague memories being there and I only remember being there once in sixth grade and it was still 80’s looking or 70’s looking, probably never been updated until the year 2002 according to the internet and it also had a face lift. I took my son to Target and I let him pick out a present for his sister and he got her two things and then we looked at the games and then we went to checkout and I wanted candy for a dollar and my son decided he wanted M&Ms so I got him those since I was getting myself something. Then after we paid, I said to him “let’s walk around the mall now” and he said “the dead mall” and the cashier laughed and asked me if I would like to take the cart around the mall and I almost said no but then realized I would have to carry my daughter around and my arm would get sore so I said “yes” and he unlocked the cart so it wouldn’t lock when I left the store. He calls it a dead mall too because of me. It wouldn’t surprise me if they tore it down and made it all a box development. Outdoor malls are getting popular again and indoor malls are getting less common and more are expected to decline in the next ten years. I read online a indoor mall had not been built in the states since the year 2006. I bet they will be the next drive in theater meaning they will keep on declining like drive in theaters did and pretty soon they will be rare to find. We only have one still but it’s out of our area but close by and I hear it’s hard to get in so you have to leave extra early to get in. I have only been to a drive in theater once when I was three and my parents took out all the seats and put in the playpen and had my brother and I in it (times were different then so if someone did that today what my parents did, social services will be involved your kids will be taken and you are charged with child endangerment and neglect) and we had popcorn and we saw a movie. They tore that drive in theater down and I think they use it as storage now for carnival rides but they left the sign there. I think that was the one we went to because I can remember the hills and the trees and seeing satellite towers I always saw from the freeway. Sadly our kids may not ever experience a drive in movie like I did once. But at least they will experience a plane ride and going across country this summer.

I also did some streepassing at the mall because they have a Home Depot and I walked in there and came out and sat down at a table because my son wanted to sit and he ate his M&Ms while I played my 3DS. Then we looked for a drinking fountain because my son was thirsty but we couldn’t find one and then we headed back to Target and I brought back one of their other shopping carts but then they locked when we got back in the store so I had to carry my daughter and the bag and my son played with the new toy he got her, it’s one of those push things made by Fisher Price and those things have been around for a real long time, and I tried a sample drink that is a vitamin and my son tied some but didn’t like it because it was too foamy. I didn’t like it either and the lady had no way of dumping it and she wouldn’t do it in the trash and she was okay with it. By the time we got out of the store, the drink was no longer foamy so my son wanted it all of a sudden when I offered it to him. It was a kid’s drink. My arm was also sore from carrying my baby and by the time we got back to the car, I put her in and then my son and gave him the drink and he had finished it by the time we left the paring lot. Then I stopped at Safeway and ordered a cake and went straight home skipping McDonalds because my kids were hungry and so was I and my son was starting to act up. he did good the whole time even though he did run around while I sat at the table in the mall but the place was empty and barely any people so it didn’t matter if he was running around and shouting. I cooked mac and cheese when I got home and I was going to go to another autism group but my husband was sick and he wasn’t up for watching kids again and he watched them all day yesterday and I wasn’t going to have my parents baby sit because they have their own lives and I don’t want to put a burden to them. Oh well maybe next time, as I told the guy from my group on the train, I keep forgetting and also I have kids. Sometimes I feel like I am using them as an excuse to not do something because I know I could just dump them on my husband and have him suffer or put a burden on my parents. I know they always end up watching them because my husband withdraws or because his feet hurt too much or because he is not feeling well. But when they are not around or are too busy with work, he is forced to do it. But yet I am able to always make the other group.

Yay wi fi is back

The wi fi at Barnes and Noble finally worked again. I go to the mall and walk into two stores and then the bookstore and the Nintendo Zone is working so I turn on my Nook and I am connected to the shop. But I had to finish The Lemonade Trial first and then I continued reading My Daughter Susan Smith and read ten pages before I had to head to work. The wi fi didn’t work yesterday or the day before but it did today so I am hoping it will work again tomorrow so I can keep doing my quests and collecting panels. I am almost done with Mario Kart 7, only two more pieces to go.

Bad Parenting Moment

I took my son to school and came home and I was on the computer and I saw it was only ten am. I must have gotten over focused because when I saw the time again, it was 11:29 and school had gotten out nine minutes ago. So i got off and told my Dad I had to pick my kid up and I left my baby with him. it’s only a five minute drive to get there so I got there in no time and I saw my son walking with his teacher. I felt a little embarrassed because i didn’t pick him up. I parked and got out and was apologizing saying I lost track of time and she said “it happens.” Then she said she had just called and was that my dad or dad in law she was talking to and I said it was my dad and asked what did he say and she said he said I was on my way. I am sure other parents have done it but only once in a while is fine but doing it often may raise concerns and get social services called. I just hope this was a one time thing and I won’t keep getting hyper focused I forget about the time and then forget to pick up my son. What was I doing for a half hour after seeing the time? I remember I was working on my story and my daughter was with me. Was I busy with her too? It feels like I stepped out of reality because I can’t remember. My son even thought I wouldn’t come. He wasn’t crying or anything when I got there. But I saw he was very happy to see me because he got a big smile on his face and shouted “Mommy” and hugged me.

More relaxed at work

I have noticed when I leave early for work and stop at Barnes & Noble for streetpasses and to read, I work at slower pace at work and don’t get off as soon. I guess I don’t feel as anxious so I am working slower and taking my time. I still get off a little early but at least I am nit getting off at 8:20 or 8:10 or 7:55. I couldn’t figure out how slow to work or how fast and then doing the streetpassing thing was stressing me out during work because I would the be anxious to get done as if my hobby was more important than working. So I decided to leave early and stop at the bookstore and read and collect streetpasses and I don’t have to play the Mii Plaza games there. I can play it during break. But Mondays and Fridays are hard because I get done too soon no matter what because there is barely anything to vacuum and dust and my boss wants me to work till nine by helping other co workers but I can’t even find them when I look. Shall I keep looking till nine? But then what do I do if I have five minutes left of work and I finally saw one of my co workers? Also I wish I didn’t get so nervous about asking them if they need any help. It also makes it so hard. I get all this anxiety and the other day I did see one of them right by the daycare way at the other end and I asked her if she needed help and it wasn’t bad but it took me ten minutes to do what she gave me to do. I don’t think my boss liked that because she decided to add to my work by telling me do spot cleaning in the stair well and doing more dusting. So I mop the whole stairwell and do more dusting but I don’t know what she wants me to dust. Today I got done at 8:45 so I clocked out since that was close to nine and I went straight to the train stop than going to the mall since I always need to be home around 9:30 because my daughter doesn’t always take the bottle. But she has for the past two days. I think she is getting used to it now. I think she has finally figured out she either goes hungry or take the bottle. Unless my husband is giving it to her when she is sleeping because he found that is the only way she will take it.

On Dr. Phil

The last two days, I was watching the Dr. Phil show and it was about kelli and Issy Stapleton. I was hoping to hear Matt’s side of the story and the other kids and Issy but that never happened because Matt felt it should be Kelli’s story. Watching the whole thing was frightening because it was like watching a horror movie but it was with autism. They kept showing that video over and over of Kelli being attacked by her daughter who was then 13 and it sounded like something you would hear in a horror movie. I got sick of them showing that video over and over because it was horrifying and I felt haunted at work about the video and how violent some autistic kids can get and people find this acceptable? I imagined what if a movie company made a horror film and they decided to use an autistic character and it makes them kill people with their meltdowns. I bet lot of ASD people would get offended by it because they didn’t like how their condition was used to kill people in the movie. Now it was relieving to hear that most autistic people are not violent and this was just rare with Issy and most autistic kids are not violent. I can understand why autistic people would be upset by the show, they are concerned people will watch it and then fear autistic people and fear them when they find out they are on the spectrum. They fear they will have to hide their condition and not be able to disclose their autism or people might think they will attack them when they don’t get their way or when someone refuses to give into their demand or don’t do it fast enough or when they do something unintentionally that may be a sound that bothers them or if they accidentally bump into them as they walk by or maybe making a sound might make them fly into rage and assault them. It was bad enough when Adam Lanza shot his mother and went to school and killed a bunch of kids and they tried to blame it on autism. Then our fear was people think aspies are dangerous and all need to be locked up and if someone is an aspie, run from them because they might shoot you.

But face it, some autistic people are dangerous. We can’t hide it from reality because it’s the truth and get mad at anyone who talks about how violent their autistic child is. While it may be rare they are violent, there will always be someone online who will post about how aggressive their autistic child gets and what they do or how they have taken a knife and held it up to their them or pointed it at them or whatever, but that is the internet and things always seem more common when you hear about it online than in real life. Like I said in my other blog entry, of all the special needs kids I have been around growing up, only two were violent. Frankie and that one boy in my class named Russell. But statistically, most mentally ill and disabled people are not violent or destructive. It’s been stigmatized because the bad stands out more so whenever a person with a disability or someone with a mental illness commits a crime or is abusive, people find out about it because it goes in the media or the families tell the story and people gossip. So it makes it look like lot of them are violent.

What I do think  is messed up is how kelli had to attempt to kill her daughter to finally get help for her because Dr. Phil is having a foundation on his website where you can donate to help Issy with treatment. Parents shouldn’t have to attempt to kill their children to get help. That just shows how wrong the system is. This other mother who is Issy’s friend also has an autistic son who is also violent and has sent her to the hospital too and given her fractured bones and black eyes decided to end it all by stopping her car on the tracks and wait for the train to come. Then fortunately, the mother snapped back into reality and drove off the tracks after sitting there for ten minutes and the next day she lucked out because she got a call and they finally took him somewhere for him to get treatment. Now the mom is safe in her own home. I decided I want to donate to Issy so she can get better and be a good person. Instead of bitching about her in my blog and how heartless other people are and thinking it’s acceptable for her to abuse her mother just because she is autistic and how Kelli should take it all in, do something about it. Dr. Phil decided to help Kelli and her family and Issy out by doing a foundation for her so why not and donate some money to them to help the situation. But right now our money is tight so when pay day comes I want to donate a little money. A little money is better than nothing.

But here is something I find confusing. One of Kelli’s friends said how Issy is targeting her little sister and Kelli isn’t there to protect her from Issy. They have created a plan for the sister and she either locks herself in her room or in their car to get away from her when she is attacking. That totally upset me and how is this acceptable. Why is the dad allowing this? If this were my sister, she would be living in a hospital because my mom would have sent her there because everyone has the right to be safe in their own home. Then we hear a little side of the dad’s story, his name is Matt and he said the opposite. He said Issy is doing better and he fails to mention how aggressive she is towards her sister. That is something I would love to ask him.

I do think Kelli should have sent her daughter to a hospital and she was given that option. I know this because I listened to the radio interview that took place a year before the attempted murder and she said she was given that offer and it would be up to a year but Kelli refused it. She didn’t want to not see her daughter for a year. Another option was to take her other two kids and pack up and leave their home leaving behind Issy and Matt. But I wonder if they had any place to go like stay at a friends or parent or relatives? Better than attempted murder right? Either option will get you judged but it’s still better than attempted murder.  Should Kelli have called the police on Issy and have her charged with assault? The police could shoot her in self-defense if she attacks them or she could end up with a criminal record so calling the police wouldn’t be an option.  I say for any parent, be careful when you call the police on your sick child.

And I was nervous about the autistic boy I know in real life who is my husband’s old friend’s son because his wife posted on Facebook about her step son having disruptive behavior disorder and it’s a form of ODD and conduct disorder but it fits in neither of those. It’s a NOS label. My husband assured me he isn’t violent and his behavior disorder is with behavior, not aggression. I felt silly after that because I was so worried before bringing my kids to his birthday and I don’t want them to get hurt by him because what kind of parent would bring their kids to someone who is violent, especially if they are on the spectrum of ODD and Conduct disorder? I had never seen the kid violent so why was I so worried? Because of a label his step mom mentioned on Facebook? I never told her why I was so nervous about coming. I didn’t want to offend her so I ignored the question. I am sure she thinks I was nervous because of a new route there and knowing how to get there and what the route will look like and the roads and buildings because I was talking about that at the party how I had to look on Google maps so I know what to expect and I was so nervous about getting lost.

Will Issy ever get over her aggression or remain violent and be in prison someday or a mental hospital when she assaults someone when she is eighteen or older or even kill someone? Time will tell.

Only thing that bothered me about the show was when Kelli kept saying how she hated the autism and being in jail is better than a cell of autism. I wished she said instead jail is better than a cell of abuse or violence. That sounds better.

I just thought of something humorous, an aspie kept saying on the Dr. Phil page “please don’t kill me” to people who were feeling sorry for Kelli so I imagined NTs telling an aspie or an autistic person “Please don’t attack me” or “please don’t hurt me” when they find out they are on the spectrum because of ASD people and some NTs thinking it’s okay for Issy to be abusive and parents are wrong to be hurt by them and be the victims of their violence as if they have to be god. I could say to people as a joke “Don’t worry I won’t hurt you if you say no to me” or tell my boss “Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you if you give me more tasks to do.” I always tell my husband or father, “Don’t worry, I won’t kill you” when they talk about life insurance because some people have put their partners on life insurance and then kill them for the money.

Lemonade Wars

I just finished the book today and I want to read the sequel books to the book. It’s a series. I could relate so much to Jessie it was like I was reading about my childhood again. I never had conflicts with my brothers or do any wars with them but Jessie had a hard time reading people and understanding them and she would get confused by their actions and why they were upset. But she was still a nice person and she made a friend. She and her brother were able to resolve their issues while my mother always had to help me resolve mine because I couldn’t do it myself. But now I have moved onto another book and I forget the name of it but it’s about a boy with a learning disability and he meets his old friend who has a condition that gives him growth retardation so he is very small but he is very smart. It seems like the bookstore is doing disability awareness or is it a coincidence they have out all these books on display that is about a character with a disability. There are other books but not all of them are about a disability. I have finished reading Rules, Out of My Mind, and Lemonade Wars. I related a little to David because I also liked rules as a kid and needed them so I knew how to act and what to expect. My mom had to give me them every time we went somewhere. Plus I learned in the Rules book, they aren’t really rules people do because most people don’t see them as rules but I do. Even my high school therapist called them rules too. He would tell me it’s not the social rules or that me and other kids are not following the social rules.

Maybe after I run out of interesting books to read in the bookstore or when they decide to take them off display and put up new books, I will return to my Nook and finish the book there and then read the rest of the Lemonade War series. It’s killing two birds with one stone, I go there to streetpass and I read. I don’t play my Mii Plaza games there always because I would rather read to finish the book.

I goofed up

In my last blog entry, I talked a little about child abuse and I said how Sarah Burleton was tossed down the stairs by her mom and her aunt took her to the hospital. That was about something else. Her aunt decided to visit her sister at her apartment and she saw Sarah had two black eyes and a bloody nose and her mom said she fell. Sarah’s aunt knew you do not get two black eyes from falling so she took her to the hospital and not only did they have two black eyes and a bloody nose, she also had a fractured skull. Sarah asked her aunt when she told her this story when her son was little and she was about his age when it happened, why didn’t anyone call the cops, her aunt said times were different then. This had to be the early eighties when this happened. I did learn one thing from her first book, CPS was still useless and not as good when I was a kid. My mom also told me there was no mandatory law to report child abuse and it wasn’t enforced. It also told me Heather the Babysitter written by *bleg* Deeker may have been plausible because the time it was written, people back then just didn’t call social services. But yes Sarah was tossed down the stairs and broke her collar bone from the toss and her mother didn’t get arrested. Who knows what the cover up story was, “I tripped and she flew out of my arms.” I still can’t imagine any mom doing that to a helpless kid and I was so horrified her mom could be so capable of being so evil to an infant and she was abusing her then as a infant and toddler. I would love to sock the mother and send her a nasty email. I am sure lot of people feel that way and I doubt Sarah will post her mom’s home address or her email. I also felt the same way about Catherine Pelzer when I read A Child Called “it.” Send her a nasty letter if I knew her address. People who like to believe these stories are fake, good for them. I guess they are better off not knowing how horrible parents can be to their kids. Ignorance is a bliss. People today still don’t want to believe how real child abuse is just like how people don’t want to believe how real it is that men can be victims of domestic abuse or how real it is that parents can be victims of abuse from their underage children. In fact there is a movie about a guy being abused by his wife and it’s called Men Don’t Tell. It was only aired once and women groups got offended by it and got it banned. I saw it on youtube and I was happy how the daughter ratted her mom out because she was concerned about her being in huge trouble for what she does. Then the father was released and had full custody over their kids and told his ex wife or separated wife (not sure if they were divorced or not) to get help.

And I will be honest, I used to not believe men could be abused by their wives because they are stronger and could easily restrain them so why would they let their wives abuse them? I also thought the same about children too. Toddlers can get aggressive and if it’s sometimes painful when they scatch or bite you or head butt you in the face, imagine if it was done with intent. It will be a lot more painful and harder to restrain them. I saw how strong a child can be. If I had to hold my son away from me or hold his arms and feet to keep him from kicking and hitting, imagine doing that to a five year old or to a seven year old. Most kids outgrow their aggressive behaviors by the time they are five years old. My son outgrew his and he is only three so that shows each kid is different. Or because I taught him to not do it. I also used to believe parents should put up with the abuse from their child but I have realized safety comes first, same as if a child gets aggressive unintentionally and they have gotten too big to be restrained by their parents and have gotten too strong they could now easily hurt them. After reading persona stories, yes I have changed my views. Why can’t other people and why is this all rocket science?

Abuse by children

“Ugh, not this topic again” you are probably thinking once you start reading it.

I know I have talked about abusive children in the past and have you noticed how it’s often not talked about? Every time we hear about abuse or domestic violence, it’s always done by a parent or partner or caretaker. We never hear about a child abusing a parent or another adult. I have before but not much and the parent is always seen as the bad guy or teacher and victim blaming comes in place that the adult must have done something to provoke it. I can remember coming back to my class from recess and Russell runs up to me and pinches me in the neck and I cry and tell our teacher and he says “she was cussing.” I was just walking back to class and did nothing wrong and I wasn’t even talking. What did I do to provoke this? What did my brothers do to provoke getting an ax thrown at them? Oh telling Frankie to stop chopping up my parents hammock they got in Mexico. :rolls eyes: TLC did a movie about it once called Dangerous Child. What did the mother do to provoke such violence? Oh being a parent and doing her job as a mom. It’s normal for teens to want their way and get upset but it’s not normal for them to start beating their mother and breaking things just because they were not allowed to do something or because they disobeyed and now they are in trouble for sneaking out when they were supposed to watch their brother. But it was actually learned behavior from the father because he was abusive and the parents were divorced because of it so the mom had full custody. Then the nine year old was starting to pick up on it but he wasn’t aggressive yet, he was just having verbal outbursts and that was how it started for the 16 year old and it got ignored. Never seen as a red flag because the parents didn’t know where it was heading. But when the little brother started his verbal outbursts, it didn’t get ignored.

I finally decided to do a search on it and came across http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parental_abuse_by_children and what do you know, it’s little talked about and considered a taboo topic. I knew it.

Then cracked just did an article about disturbed children and it was the first time ever I didn’t see any humor in it and it all looked serious to me, not a joke. Maybe because I have seen it happen and have had experience and heard personal stories about it and the fact my mom would get attacked by an autistic student who was only six. I know not all disabled children are violent because I have know lot of kids with disabilities and most of them were not disturbed. I was around them growing up and in a self contained class and only one boy was aggressive, Russell. Then there was Frankie and he was another kid I knew who was aggressive but he was worse than Russell. So I know this is all real and it angers me when people try and discredit it and act like it doesn’t exist and call it a stigma or discrimination or say these kids are treated poorly as if people are not allowed to defend themselves and if they do, oh no it’s abuse. I know this view can get you enemies and lose respect from people and lose friends because they are on the other side. I have unliked parenting pages that thought kids should abuse their families and were calling the parents horrible for trying to protect themselves by sending the kid back to their home country or abandoning them. This is often a controversial topic and even your personal experience with abuse can make you the bad guy and a bigot when you talk about your negative experience.

When I did a search on abused by a child, only the wiki article popped up and the rest only talked about child abuse. Why are people so silent about this topic? Why do people deny this happens? They like to turn their backs and pretend the parents are bad parents or the teacher is abusing them. Sure kids do sometimes subject to violence when they are being abused but that is everyone, anyone would get violent if they kept on getting harassed and bothered and or got grabbed or someone trying to mug them or rape them, that is normal. Anyone can get violent if provoked and pushed but is not what we’re talking about here. Every time the topic comes up about violent kids, people start talking about abuse and talking about their horrible experience with abuse they got at school or in a hospital. It’s like no one can’t even talk about it without anyone listening. People just want to continue to believe there is no abuse and it’s all self defense and the kid is just retaliating to the abuse. They don’t want to believe a kid has problems. But guess what, even abusers have problems too because they also grew up in violent households or because they were abused as children or because they have anger issues or other problems that would cause them to be abusive including mental illnesses or autism. So why accept this in children? No one accepts this in adults but why in kids and blame the victim for it? Reading the comments to the Cracked article said it all and proved my point how people would rather live under a rock. If you got abused by a child, then you must have done something to deserve it, you must have been abusive. That is the response one commenter got when s/he said she has worked with kids like this and got attacks about it being called an abuser and how they hope s’he never works with them again. I just saw ASSumptions and accusations.

Parental abuse has been a new term since 1979. I was glad to see there is such thing but see no other information about it besides on wikipedia just told me how it’s not taken seriously and how the majority still ignore it and still blame the victim.

You are probably thinking I am paranoid or thinking I have been traumatized by these two children my thoughts have been clouded and I need counseling, or thinking I am a bigot and hate disabled people and people with mental illnesses, or probably thinking I am using my experience to justify all this or thinking I am being an abliest and of course you may be thinking wikipedia is unreliable source for information and of course you may be thinking “duh of course you didn’t find anything on parental abuse because it doesn’t exist.”

I must say back when my parents were kids, child abuse also didn’t exist. People didn’t believe parents could abuse their children and not love them. People just turned a blind eye and thought the kid is a liar because no parent would do this. Even when I was a little girl, social services turned a blind eye and would assume the child is lying and believed the parent. Even when I was a small child, a parent could harm their child and take them into ER and get away with it because people were trusting and thought a parent wouldn’t do this to their kid and bought their lie. I am still horrified about the part I read in one of Sarah’s Burleton books about her being thrown down the stairs by her mother because she wouldn’t stop crying. Sarah asked her aunt who told her that story why didn’t anyone call the cops and she said times were different then. Given that she was born in 1978 and her “father” said she was two months old when it happened would have made the year 1979 when it happened given the month she was born in but she told me on her Facebook page her aunt said she was eight months. I told my husband about it and he said people were more trusting and were not really aware parents could harm their children. Now people have become aware of child abuse and people who work in profession like nursing or doctors or in school or do counseling are all required by law to report it and are trained to look for in abuse and what it looks like. People take photos of the abuse and show it to people so they know what to look for. Perhaps someday people will get this far with abuse by kids and stop turning a blind eye to it. Maybe someday there will be laws to protect families and victims, maybe someday there will be better support for these kids and for their families. It’s hard to have empathy for these kids because how hard do you find it to have empathy for child abusers and domestic abusers despite their own background story and how they feel themselves even if they have a disability or some emotional issue or were abused victims themselves? It’s not politically incorrect to not feel sorry for them and to have no empathy but yet it’s politically incorrect to feel the same way about these kids.

Maybe I should be an advocate for victims of abuse by kids. But how? Do I really want to do it? Do I really want to put myself out there and be seen as the enemy, the evil, Hitler, and be known by strangers and be infamous? I don’t think I am ready for this. Maybe this is why people are not aware of abuse by kids because no one will step up and talk about it publicly and make everyone aware fearing they will get resentment and be seen as bad people and lose respect from reality.

Oh wait I lied, if you do a search on abused by children, more stuff pops up about children being abusive but stuff on child abuse still pops up. But still not many pages about it.

Sometimes people should keep their mouths shut

There are times when I think someone should have kept their mouth shut. My mom was one of them today. My son was using the toilet and he started crying all of a sudden saying he hurts down there and pointing to his penis. It looked fine and I figured he must have slammed the seat on it because I heard the seat drop down and then he started crying. My mom said I should make an appointment with his doctor because he shouldn’t be in so much pain whenever it gets hard and we can’t pull back the foreskin. She tells me what to say when I make the appointment so I got out the paper with the number on it I kept and made the call and schedule an appointment and I repeated exactly what my mother told me to say. I said “My son’s penis always hurts whenever he gets a stiffy and we can’t pull the foreskin back.” She scheduled it for tomorrow and then I told my mom I made the appointment for his stiffy and it’s tomorrow and she asked me what did I say so I told her and she said Did you say stiffy?” and I said yes and my mom started laughing. I didn’t know what was so funny and she asked me what did she say and I said nothing and she asked me if she laughed and I said no. I told her I said what she told me to say so why is it funny and what is wrong with the word. She told me it was a kinder way of saying erection. I told her she told me that word so why is it funny. She wouldn’t tell me and told me I didn’t do anything wrong and it was okay and she probably chuckled. Then she said she didn’t mean to embarrass me. And you would think NTs would have a social filter but even they goof up too in their social skills. She should have kept her mouth shut about me saying the word.

The word gossip

This is another word I have never quite understood. As a child I was told talking about someone behind their back when they are not around is gossip. Then I was told it was saying bad things about them behind their backs and they are not there to defend themselves. Mom would tell me how wrong it is but only to turn around and tell me what an asshole my dad is and what a jerk he is. Confusing so it must be okay to do. My high school therapist called it non-compliant. I think that was his PC word for hypocrite. He was a therapist so he had to not say bad things about people, he was a professional so he had to use kinder words that didn’t sound bad. I learned then non-compliant meant not liking what someone does but you do it yourself or not caring if someone does something to other people and you tell them to do it to them but yet when they do it to you, you get mad about it. He called this all non-compliant. But Dr. Phil would sure call it hypocrisy because it’s his own TV show so he can say things the way it is and be non-politically correct. But he can be harsh and the truth hurts sometimes but people do want to hear it so they go on his show for it. But I also find it sad how some people don’t know how to get help or can’t afford it and the only way to get it is to be on his show and air their dirty laundry to the world. Now back to the word gossip.

I remember saying in my therapist’s office I was gossiping because I was saying bad things about other people and he laughed and told me it was different what I am doing because I am in a safe place for it and nothing leaves his office what I say. By law he isn’t allowed to tell other people what I told him. So I learned that gossiping is okay if done in a therapist’s office.

I have noticed my whole life everyone talked about other people and anyone who claims they don’t gossip are probably lying. I am sure they have talked about an issue they have with someone at work or in school or their teacher falsely accusing them of something and punishing them for it or do they just bottle everything up inside and never talk about their feelings? So no one knows they are having problems at work or being bullied at school. Everyone just assumes that person has a fine life and everything is going good for that person. But as an adult I have learned gossiping meant different things for people. Everyone had their own definition of it. Not everyone considered it gossip if done in a therapist’s office. My husband told me if I got upset at work and came home and talked about it to him, it wouldn’t be gossip because he isn’t going to tell everyone about it. My mom told me last year gossip is when you talk to someone and they tell everyone else about it what you told them. Talking about someone isn’t gossip if it isn’t spread. So that means I can talk about my boss at work to someone and it won’t be gossip if that person doesn’t go to everyone else repeating what I said.

I remember when I lived in Montana, this one employee there who had been working there for four years all of a sudden vanished. She never came back to work and I found it so strange she was gone. No one knew where she went and my boss was so secretive about it. One day I made a joke saying maybe she went to jail and I got told by another co-worker I was doing slander and trying to spread a rumor. I learned then what caused rumors is telling a joke about someone and it’s slander. So she was going around telling everyone I was trying to spread a rumor about Sai going to jail. My boss told me then she quit her job because she didn’t agree with something. I felt relieved and was glad nothing happened to her and she was alright. She didn’t get falsely accused and go to jail. They all had me worried over nothing. Sometimes it can be a crime to care about someone. But I also have been told online a few years back you have to be careful when you talk about someone. I learned than when I did the joke a work I have to be careful when I joke because what if someone walking by had overheard it, they would have assumed that is what happened to Sai and tell others about it and pretty soon lot of people in town think she went to jail. That is how rumors start. A harmless joke can do it. Fast forward years later on Wrongplanet, someone told me my co-worker was an idiot and it wasn’t slander I was doing. Okay so what exactly is slander then?
Back in 2010, when there was an online drama that happened from Wrongplanet involving a corrupted mod, I was still upset by it and I kept on talking about it and I got told I was doing gossiping and spreading rumors. I learned then I was to keep things bottled up and deal with my own OCD thoughts because it’s gossiping and spreading rumors if I talk about it. I am to do it only once and then keep it bottled up. I was told on Aspergic talking about it to different people was gossip. But lot of people don’t like to hear your problems over and over and they expect you to move on. Most people can talk about something that upset them and then they get over it after they have discussed it but for people with OCD, that can be hard. They can’t get rid of those unwanted thoughts and even talking about it doesn’t get rid of the feelings and those unwanted thoughts like it does for most people. But I was told this was gossiping if you don’t do it once and you do it over and over. Now fast forward later on Wrongplanet again, there is thread going on about people gossiping and if we do it or not. Someone made an interesting post there and it gave me some insight. She wrote she thinks there is a difference between sharing something with a friend about your dealings and what is bothering you and true gossip is doing it for mean spirited kicks that may spread untruths and speculations that may border on slander. She posted two examples, one that would be gossip and one that wouldn’t be gossip.

It gave me some insight and it made me think if my intentions may have been misread and I took it all literal. I remember being accused of twisting her words and I then didn’t understand what was she saying then if I am twisting her words. I also think when people accuse me of twisting their words, it’s because I am right and they don’t like it. That was a pattern I had noticed online. I don’t realize what I do can come off across to someone and how they may see it. I always assume they will see it my way and then I am shocked when they got it all wrong and are they stupid? Online it’s hard for everyone to interpret how people are feeling because there is no tone of voice, there is no crying, you can’t see them crying, you can’t hear their tone, all you see is text. I wonder if I was being misread and I thought they knew how I was feeling and what I was going through because I was talking about it so I assumed they knew how I was feeling so when I got accused of trying to spread rumors and doing gossip, I learned it was gossiping and then I learned I was only supposed to tell it to one person and to no one else and I am to bottle it all up. So what did those people mean then? If someone has OCD so they have a hard time moving forward and moving on, is it really gossip if they keep talking about it? I can see now why anyone would call it such because most people just move on after ranting about it to one person and I just learned it was called gossip if you do it to different people. But is it still gossip?

I remember when I first learned the word manipulative, I had my character goofing off while they were getting ready to leave for the airport and she was pretending she was dying of a heart attack and her mom told her this was rush hour, not acting class so she stopped. My mom said that was manipulative. I learned manipulative meant acting when it’s not acting time. I learned as an adult she may have misread my intentions in the story because manipulative means trying to get what you want by trying to deceive someone and trick them. My character wasn’t pretending to die of a heart attack to get what she wanted, there was nothing she wanted. She was just pretending to die of a heart attack being all goofy. So that was why I always was confused when she called it manipulative because who was I trying to fool in the story, what was my agenda, what did I want? It took me years to understand this word too and I think I get the word now and I finally figured out my mom was wrong and she probably misread the character’s intention. She assumed wrong.

I still think gossip means different things to people. Something may be gossip for one person but not gossip for the other.
As the person on Wrongplanet wrote, all human communication is complicated. If I get accused of anything, how do I know if they are correct or if they are just misunderstanding the situation so they used a word wrong. I remember when my mom took the computer away for three weeks, I was so mad at her I didn’t look at her or talk to her. My therapist called this manipulation. So I learned when someone does something to you you don’t like, it’s manipulation if you refuse to talk to them and look at them. But what if this wasn’t correct? He told me it was manipulation because I would cut it out right if she gave me back the computer? But people on wrongplanet have contradicted it by mentioning things like if their parents took away their special interest, they would have meltdowns and punch holes in walls and stuff. So it made me think what if my therapist was wrong and he misread my intentions? What happens if you do give these aspie children back their special interests? The meltdowns would stop right and them punching holes in walls and their other destructive behavior. They don’t call this manipulation. Or what if they are just being politically correct by not calling it that? But I may never know if my therapist was wrong or if the people on Wrongplanet are wrong. Who’s right? My therapist or them?