I am vulnerable to being pressured. I always have been my whole life and I get mad at myself about it. It’s not as common anymore as it used to be because I am an adult and most people leave me alone and not talk to me. As a kid I would get into trouble after being egged to do things because kids would not take no for an answer and I would be the one in trouble, not them. I used to be frightened in my teens that I would go to prison if another adult takes advantage of me because I knew the judge wouldn’t care nor the jury. But I think those things are rare that people take advantage of someone with a disability or who is weak. It’s very unlikely someone will come and pressure me to do something I don’t want to do and try and convince me it’s good and bam I go to jail because it would be rare and I don’t know what the chances are if I have more chances of winning the lottery than this happening or have a higher chance of being beaten in the street by a random stranger.
Last night my husband pressured me to have sex because he hadn’t had it in a month he said. These Abenas I have on, the plastic rips when you try to remove the tabs and they have ripped each time I have taken them off so I didn’t want to waste a diaper and the thought of taking it off gave me anxiety. I tried to leave and go upstairs but he wouldn’t let me. He just grabbed on to me and kept me pinned on his bed. I decided I shouldn’t be around him when I am wearing these or else he will want sex and it will be hard to leave. That means no being with him, no going to the basement to play my WiiU or look at my old video games or else he might get turned on and will want sex. He wouldn’t take no for an answer and we ended up having it anyway when i thought what if I can just pull my diaper aside and he can take his penis out of his diaper and slip it inside me in my diaper. It worked. I gave into the pressure and today I feel upset about it not because we had it, because I see how easily I can give into pressure of doing things I don’t want to do and the person just has to keep pressuring and pressuring and convince me and keep on trying. I feel mad at myself for being weak, why can’t I be stronger? Why can’t I try harder? I always hate myself for this and I have a little tears in my eyes right now as I write this.
I always feel proud of myself when I do stick up for myself and succeed like in my other two relationships. Being begged for sex and I didn’t give in, I feel proud for that because I as tough and didn’t give in. It was the heat is why and I cannot stand heat and sticky skin and it’s uncomfortable to have it when it’s real hot out. When I was with Jerry, he would always make me feel guilty and guilt trip me and I feel proud for taking the abuse than giving in. At the time I didn’t know it was abuse. He was just very needy and nothing was ever good enough. There were times I did give in such as not finding work because he had convinced me and I had no way of getting a job without a working car and I didn’t know how to use the bus system. I didn’t know how to figure it out until I was living with my aunt and uncle and they got me started.
I feel proud of myself for standing uo to people online sometimes like the time someone tried to pressure me to giving him naked photo of me because he “loves me and wants to see me and it turns him on” Then he told me I was mean when I still refused so I blocked him because I got upset and I couldn’t take his pressure so I ran from. Block. So easy to get rid of them online. My therapist told me that was called manipulation and they will do it in a positive way and he started to role play saying “Oh I love you, I need to see you naked because I love you.” Then he told me when I refuse, they will try and do it in a negative way by telling me how mean I am. I felt better. It was all manipulation, he didn’t love me and I wasn’t mean and I did nothing wrong.
There was another incident when some man wanted my phone number and I refused to give it to him because I knew then giving out your phone number online is a bad idea and I have been pressured before. But this time I dug in my heals and said no but this man wouldn’t take no for an answer so he begged me for it like a five year old and not stop. I blocked him. Problem solved. No more pressure.
I had an online friend from Holland and we had been friends since I was eighteen or nineteen but he wanted a mommy. He pressured me to be his mommy and I decided I didn’t want to do it and said no. He called me a liar and said I told him I would always make sure he is dry and stuff and that we worked it out. He called me dishonest and stuff so I blocked him because all he wanted to do was argue and he said he was taking me off his list and he wouldn’t so I did him a favor. I realized he was just a creepy guy and very manipulative because I looked through our chat history. But I feel proud for being tough here and being strong. I say it’s easier online to be tough and not give in but it can still happen but I have more power. We have the ignore button and there is signing off and you don’t need to open a thread again or open a PM. I do always blame myself when I get pressured online because I wasn’t tougher and I should have tried harder and been stronger. Then I am always mad at myself and feel angry.
I still feel angry at myself for walking to the store with a stranger and he ended up taking my wallet but luckily he didn’t get much from me, just his gas for his car and a phone he can’t even use and whatever he got with $14.90 he spent. It was two months later when I got something in the mail and something inside felt lumpy and they were all my cards but the only things missing were my credit and debit card and my dad’s card and my Target card and my Conoco gift card and my bus pass. But everything else was there including a card that didn’t belong to me so it got mixed in there somehow. My wallet wasn’t there either. The cards I have were my library card which was no longer valid, honored citizen pass, rewards cards for stores, my ID. the thief only wanted money and I don’t know if it was him that mailed them back or someone from the store.
Hell, someone could probably pressure me into robbing a 7-Eleven if they really convince me and pressure me and not back down and leave and my husband doesn’t get it because he told me he will just give me a rule, no doing crimes or else he gives me a butt spanking for over an hour. But like I say these chances would be very slim. People always leave me alone and not talk to me vs when I was a kid, I seemed to have a invisible sign on me saying “I am different, pick on me and be mean to me and get me into trouble.” Then that sign wore off and expired when I reached adulthood. All that anxiety about reaching adulthood for nothing. So that eases my anxiety and I feel safer.
Why am I so weak?