Weight on my chest

They almost feel like chest pains. My anxiety had been getting worse and worse so I couldn’t stop screaming at my kids and anything they do would make me tense. The whining, the screaming, touching my stuff or touching things that are not hers, so I find myself yelling “no’ often like she is a dog. I can’t just shut myself in my room and be alone because I have kids. Yesterday I was screaming at my husband and I felt like a out of control woman you would see on the Dr. Phil show when you see a movie of someone screaming and they look like a crazy person. We had people coming over and I knew that was going to make me more anxious because that means more demands, more chaos, more noise, and I wouldn’t be able to relax so that will make my anxiety worse and I was worried about having a freak out. Luckily my husband let me stay in my room and didn’t bother me and he took care of the kids because he couldn’t deal with me. He had also noticed it had been getting worse and worse and to him it looked like me acting like a little kid. I was hating myself and how worse my anxiety was getting and it was like I couldn’t get a break because my anxiety would come back fast over a few things my kids would do rather it was not listening, talking in a whiny vice, touching my things, my daughter crying and not stopping and not stopping her fussing either, then them doing sibling rivalry.

So I stayed in my room while everyone was outside visiting and then I had my daughter only and taking care of one kid was enough, two was too much for me. Then I finally came outside when I heard my parents were home because I heard their voices. I came out and sat outside and my mom asked me how my day had been. I decided to be honest and answer it literally so I told her it had been very stressful and she asked me why. I told her my anxiety had been getting worse and worse and I can’t take it anymore because I hate yelling at my kids and I have no patience because anything tiny bothers me and puts me in intense mood. My mom then told me what was causing all of it was the unknown of going to the airport when we take off. I don’t know what to expect like what to do when we get there, how will we get through security, what do we need to pack or check on, what time to get there. My husband thought it was money that was causing it but my mom said no it was the unknown because I bought the tickets, I knew how much we spent and I chose to spend that much so she said today we would go to the airport and see where to get off at, where to go and get our questions answered. Then I started to feel better and I noticed the anxiety was gone.

Today we went to the airport around ten and we found short term parking and found where we would have to get off and unload the car and we went inside and talked to one of the security at the checkpoint where people put their bags in the machine and walk though this machine and they gave us a card to call and they said they do good accommodating people with disabilities and they can lead us through it ad they would be waiting for us when we get there and we also talked to one of the guys at the checkout for American Airlines and I found out car seats and strollers were free to check on and he said that when we get up to the counter, just tell them we need someone to assist us because of my husband’s disability and my mom was able to remember the verbal instructions so I wrote them down when she repeated them to me. Then I felt so much better and didn’t feel any anxiety anymore and I didn’t feel so irritable. Then we went to target and bought a new stroller for the trip and it’s smaller and not a hummer and it will give us more room in the trunk.

My son went with us and I saw how he will get in the airport because he got bored and he also didn’t like waiting so I got to see what behavior to expect from my kid. My husband also noticed how much better I am acting and I wasn’t yelling at my kids anymore. I love my mother. She still helps me and she still has to tell me why I am having anxiety because I have no clue why it’s happening and what is causing it, all I know is it has gotten worse and I don’t know why. Sometimes I do know. My dad doesn’t understand it because he will say things like “relax” “You are getting upset over nothing” “Just roll with the punches” “You’re getting excited” and he will think I am over reacting and act like my feelings are nothing and my fears and my ex’s didn’t understand it either and I think it was easier for my ex’s to just think I used it as an excuse so they wouldn’t have to be responsible for my anxiety or do anything to lesson it and so they wouldn’t have to support me or help me out because it was just too much for them even though they had it themselves. It was a cop out to think that way. Which is why we were incompatible. I am lucky to have a husband who understands.

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You have a higher chance being beaten to death by a stranger than by a family member

I was talking to my mom in the kitchen and she is on sick leave all because I hurt her back by leaving shoes in front of the door and so did my father so she slipped on our shoes and fell and hurt her back. Thank god she is still alive. She said “can you imagine if you found me dead” and I said “We would have lost the house” and she said she has life insurance and I said oh because of her job and she could be beaten to death by one of her patients and she said no because she drives for her work so since she does, she is better off having life insurance. I said maybe if she worked in a mental hospital, she would better need it because she could be beaten to death by a mental patient and she said “No that wouldn’t happen” and I said “I guess it’s only in movies and it would be rare if it did actually happen” and she said it is rare. Then I brought up about the time when Trudy was beaten to death by her 19 year old autistic son and he got hospitalized for it because he had a mind of a two year old and how many two year olds hit when they are upset? Mom then told me I had a higher chance of being beaten to death by a stranger than by a family member. I said it must be rare then for that to happen and she said it is rare and then I mentioned that statistics have showed that it’s rare for a person to commit a violent crime when they have a mental illness or disability and my mom said “yeah it is but unfortunately the media will report those rare cases so you think it’s an every day thing and it makes you fear such as fearing autism.”

So this was our conversation and it’s a relief that it is very rare for someone with a disability or mental illness to hurt you and you have a higher chance to be beaten randomly in the streets by a stranger which is also rare. I also guess the Frankie incident was rare too and it was unfortunate my family had to encounter it and I had to know someone like that. Of my time I was in special ed, I only knew one boy who was aggressive and he would pinch and hit others and one day he threw chairs and it only happened once. Then there was Frankie so that was two special needs kids I knew who was aggressive and my mom had one student who would bite and scratch and I guess he was rare too.

I sometimes do wonder if the media is trying to make people turn against autistic people and other people with mental illnesses by reporting a violet crime they have done. My parents say that is what the media does, conservatives own the Fox stations and will report things and they are bias because they want you to believe what they show and they want you to turn against Muslims so they will report a Muslim doing a bomb threat or doing a bombing and not show a white person doing it too or anyone else, only Muslims.

Then of course you will go online and then you will see parents talking about how aggressive their autistic kids are and how one of them pulled a knife on someone and I once read a story about an autistic child beating another child with a bat and now all the other parents don’t want their kids near that child and how the victim now has PTSD and I guess those are rare cases we are reading but the internet makes it sound so common that we are violent psychopaths and that we will try and harm you if we get upset and call it a meltdown. Even Dr. Phil said it’s rare for someone with autism to be violent and Issy is the 10% and that most autistic people are not violent. I know he was just saying this so no one would fear autistic people after that show. I found that as a relief too because I do get sick of hearing how violent someone with autism is or hearing about them doing something violent but hey it would be PC if no one talked about it or wasn’t allowed to.