No fear

About a couple days ago someone asked me online if I am afraid if people will notice I wear diapers under my clothes because he saw my picture here. I assume he was talking about my diaper camel toe.

I have been wearing diapers for so long (I started at 17) I have learned that people don’t really pay attention to the sound and the outside world seems to drone out the sound and people don’t really know the bulge is the diaper and they don’t really notice. Do I go out and look at peoples butts and crotches to see if they have a diaper on? Jerry did that all the time but I didn’t. I am too wrapped up in myself to even care or even think about it so why would anyone else care too? They are also to wrapped up in themselves to even notice. So I came to a point where I don’t care about the sound or the bulge and how big my butt is or how it looks in the front (diaper camel toe). No one is going to know.

I also came to a point where I don’t even worry about showing anymore. I don’t do it on purpose or even try and have them show, I just wear my normal clothes and everyone in the home knows I wear them so I don’t really care if they show. My husband told me today I was showing when I bend down or lean forward and I told him I didn’t care because everyone in the house knows I wear them. But he thought he would just let me know so I wouldn’t go outside like that (leaving our property).

Back to Classicos

Because I had been wearing Bellisomis for nearly two months, the Classicos feel thin now. They also feel crappy now because I got to used to the Bellisimo I could wear it all day and through the night.

I got more diapers on the Bambino website but they were only doing the sales on the Dry Plus this time. I got two cases again, the X Plus kind. They are supposed to be good as the Classicos.

My diaper camel toe

This is me at work after I have finished working and this is a Bellissimo under my jeans. I am standing against the white wall in the bright room because the lights are fluorescent. It looks photo shopped because of the whiteness.

Peed on the bathroom floor

This happened yesterday.

I changed in the bathroom and I took my diaper off and clean my bottom and then I peed again and it went down my leg and on the floor. It wasn’t a lot and it was not vaginal discharge. I used the wipe to soak it and then I got another one and wiped my leg and the floor. Also when I went in the bathroom today to take a dump because I didn’t want to use my diaper for it and waste it, I saw I had a little bit of pee in my diaper because of the small yellow spot I saw. I leak urine sometimes and if I really had an excuse to wear protection, it would be pads because they would take car of my leaks sometimes when it happens. But I wear diapers instead and it’s not for this reason. But I do admit leaking urine does excite me, especially when it went down my leg in the bathroom and I had to clean it up even though it was annoying. I don’t want to pee outside my diapers but yet whenever I leak urine when not wearing a diaper, it excites me. It still does when I leak it into my diaper. This is what sometimes happens when you have kids. Bladder leakage. In fact someone at work has that problem too but it’s way worse than mine because I found Poise pads soaked with pee when I emptied out the sanitary napkin holders and it had two of them in there. Either someone used both of them at once because they won’t use a pull up or a diaper for their problem or they changed it twice in there. But I had seen them upstairs too when I have cleaned the restrooms on the main floor so I assume they came from the same person. It could be from a mother who had bladder leakage but hers is a lot worse than mine.

When I worked in a hotel in downtown, I saw a bunch of trash in the service area from a room attendant and one of the bags was popped open and in there was a very wet adult pull up with a bunch of drenched paper towels soaked with pee. I figured someone wore them in their pull up as soakers and I thought “Why didn’t they just use a diaper, it looks like they need more protection.” but sadly diapers are still stigmatized even people who need to wear them won’t wear one. They might stick with pads or pull ups instead and change like every half hour or so and waste a lot of products when they might be saving money with diapers that have tabs. My goal is not to stigmatize diapers for my kids for if they ever need to wear them such as for bed wetting or if they ever get a medical condition where they might need to wear one. You just never know what can happen to your kids in their lifetime; car accident, UTI, being beaten up, surgery, etc. I have always told my son he didn’t need to wear them anymore so he had to learn to use the potty and he won’t have to get his diapers changed anymore or having to get his butt wiped and he won’t have to be wet or messy anymore. Well that turned out to be a lie because he has wet messy farts so his underwear gets all messy, he still has to get his butt wiped after he poops or when he does wet poopy farts and thanks to my husband, he thinks diapers are for babies because he had told him kids will think he is a baby if he wears them and threatens to put him back in them and kids will make fun of him and think he is a baby because only babies wear them and saying he is a big boy now. what have I done about it? Nothing really except disagree about it and I never bother correcting him (our son) if he says diapers are for babies because I don’t want him to get into diapers and wanting to wear them. (We don’t want to raise our kids to be AB/DL) Plus I have told him his sister pooped because she is a baby and that is what babies do. How else do I explain why she did it when he asked why she pooped or why is she wet or smelly? It’s like he has forgotten I wear them so that shows us wearing them doesn’t make a difference to our kids. They will still associate diapers with babies and not seem to care that we wear them. Instead they might think that only babies and their parent only wears them because that is how concrete they are. But I don’t remind him about me wearing them and I as a mom don’t feel comfortable calling them diapers in front of him when they are mine. It feels like I am pushing my fetish in his face if I do and involving him. I also won’t even let him see me in them anymore and I also won’t let him see pictures of adults in them because I view it as porn and it’s not something I want him to be exposed to. He’s four now so times change as he gets older. Kids can see their parents naked but when they get to a certain age, their parents no longer let them see them naked but in my family we always could if we were the same gender like my brothers could see our dad naked but I couldn’t see him naked and I could see our mom naked but my brothers couldn’t see her naked but my mom and dad could see each other naked because they are married. I thought it was like this in all families but apparently not. Now my dad doesn’t care if I see him naked but I don’t want to see him naked, my mom doesn’t want me to see her naked because then I end up staring at her body. Not that it’s sexy or hot, she doesn’t have a good body but I always like looking at gross and unusual things and things that are different than what I have seen in magazines. But she is fine with seeing me naked including in a diaper but I am not comfortable with the diaper part. Yes we are a weird family.

Back in diapers

I am back in diapers again because the rash got better. I put on a Certainity diaper from Walgreens and I go to work and I soak it and I take a shower and then put on a Bellissimo again using rash cream. I stay dry all night until morning and my rash didn’t hurt and I stayed in that diaper all day and I peed a lot because I had too much to drink. Then I went to work in that same diaper and came home and showered and the thing was soaked in the middle but it could still hold more but I changed into a fresh one anyway using rash cream. My rash still isn’t hurting so that is good. I also remember to use wipes when I change so i get pee off my butt so I won’t get a rash. I hate taking frequent potty trips and feelings my bladder all the time. A diaper gets rid of that feeling all the time.

Getting less embarrassing

My parents got back from their cruise. I ran out of Bellisimos in my room so I went out to the garage and got the last three packs out of the box. I brought them inside and there was my mom being nosy again because she asked what I was doing so I told her I was bringing in some stuff. She asks “What stuff?” I show her the packs and she goes “Oh the diapers.”

I have gotten used to it so it wasn’t embarrassing to be honest about it. She was in the living room watching TV but I still didn’t feel comfortable to say I was bringing in some more diapers.

New diaper bag

My purse was falling apart so it was time to get a new one. I went to Goodwill and looked at purses. I looked at the big ones and my son enjoyed seeing them all and thought the little ones were for kids. He was even trying to help me pick one out but I told him that purse wasn’t big enough and I needed a big one so I could fit my stuff in it. I look at the big ones I could find and I put each one in the cart so I can look at it later and decide. I even liked the purple one but discovered a part was broken off that keeps the flap closed so I put it back. Less decisions to make now. So I found two good ones and kept them in the cart. Then I looked around. I looked at the game controllers and then saw what diapers they had and all they had were pull ups. I also looked at the toys and left my son there and went to the books and then I heard my son crying “Mommy.” I said I was right here and he kept calling my name so I just went over and got him because I didn’t want to shout across the store at the top of my lunges so he can hear me and follow my voice. He was crying, poor thing and I called his name and I said “Did you think I left you?” and he said “yeah” and I went back to the books and he went with me. Last year and the year before he would have loved to stay at the toys and won’t get scared but he was too young then to be left alone so I didn’t leave him with the toys then but this time I felt he was old enough because I can remember being in toy aisles alone that young and he got scared instead. Kids change.

My son wanted a Hello Kitty book I found so I got him it and I got myself a book by Ann Rule and I forget the name of it. I also got him some candy and I got myself some too. Then we went home and I cooked up some mac and cheese and I find out my husband doesn’t like it because he had it too much. So only my daughter had some and me and my son wouldn’t eat his so I stuck it in the fridge with the rest of the mac and cheese. My mother in law was also over and she didn’t want any either because she had already eaten.

Here are the diaper bags I got:

This will be my primary diaper bag.

My other one for if I have to pack a premium diaper which would be too big for the other one.

It has different sections in there unlike the other one. It looked like it was meant to fit a laptop in there.