It’s father’s Day again. My daddy is very good to me. He accepts me and doesn’t judge me and he isn’t critical.
I can remember when I was in a relationship with Jerry. I felt totally different in it. I had lot of anxiety, depression and I can remember wandering around the mall in Medford, Oregon with his son and him and his son were having fun and bonding and I was there with them but I felt left out and ignored. I just ignored that feeling because it was his child so he was just spending time with him and it was his right. I was also walking like a zombie because I could not show my emotions and happiness or otherwise he will just ignore me and get mad because he found them to be too childish so it made him feel he was with a child than with an adult so he ignored me whenever he felt that way. So to improve things between us, I wouldn’t show my mood. I was more adult that way because I wasn’t acting childish for him. I had no idea how much weight I had on me with him and how much anxiety he was giving me and how much he was dragging me down with my self esteem and making it low and changing my perception of myself. I just assumed I was being needy and I never told him my feelings because I knew he wouldn’t care and there wouldn’t have been a change. I was just accepting him. I also could never say anything right without him adding to what I say (twisting my words and taking things the wrong way) and he was always crying when I would say things. Other times I would not even be aware until he told me.
Then I met my husband and he never judged me or got upset with me for being happy and showing it and he found it all cute. He didn’t mind what shows I watched or what movies and games I had or what I wore or what I had. He even gave me two trash brags of unopened Happy Meal toys because someone he knew was cleaning out their attic or something and she had a bunch of those and was giving stuff away and she was going to get rid of them so she gave them to my husband when he took them. Jerry would have never done a thing like that. It would have bee too childish for him and he wouldn’t support it even though they are collectibles and people do collect those things but he would probably think they’re idiots. He told me people are idiots for wearing childish looking clothes unless they have a disability. Or he would think they were pedophiles because he thought people liking childish things made them pedos and he would even project that thinking on others because he assumed people would think he is if he acted too childish or liked things that were too childish. He was over compensating so he took it out on me.
I also am not ignored after having two kids with him nor do I feel ignored. I bet that was just the beginning when I was with Jerry because he gave us both attention when I was visiting him and we drove to California to get his son and he still talked to me on the phone every night when I went back home to Montana. But in February, it was all different. I am sure it would have kept on being that way if we stayed together and what if he had gotten custody of him, it would still be ignore ignore. I just figured then because he only got to see his kid four times a year, he had to spend as much time with him as possible and I am living with him so he sees me 24/7. Last time I was just visiting to he was doing the same to me, spending much time with me as possible. So I kept that feeling to myself and ignored it thinking I was being too selfish and needy.
I can be myself without feeling punished or that I will upset Daddy or make him mad. I can also talk to him about my feelings and whatever is bothering me and he doesn’t get mad at me for having anxiety like Jerry did. The worst he ever said to me about it was “Sometimes I think you just let yourself have anxiety just to get your way.” Daddy never thought that about me nor ever said it. He knew no one likes having it and no one likes having a meltdown. But he still finds them cute or get turned on because they look like a toddler having a tantrum.
I feel no weight on me either and the day I found out I was no longer in a relationship with Jerry, my whole body felt light. I did not realize how much pressure I had on me. That was how bad the anxiety was. The feeling of feeling single and left out, ignored, him ignoring my calls and IMs and excluding me like he is single and I wanted to break up with him but couldn’t because he wouldn’t answer his phone and we never went out. He never visited me or took me out. We only went out once and I took him to a movie, he picked me up and took me to a theater to see a movie we both wanted to see, Are We Done Yet. It was after I had gotten a new job finally after moving there. I should have broken up with him there but didn’t because I didn’t want to upset him and make him more depressed but I realize his feelings should not have been my concern. If he takes a gun to his head and shoots himself because I had dumped him, it wouldn’t have been my fault. I am sure he wouldn’t have cared if I dumped him but I didn’t know that then. But it felt so asshat to go out on a date and then dump them after the movie so I didn’t do it. Sometimes I do wonder if he did this just to stress me out and it was a game he was playing. But his excuse was he was “busy.” But then all this anxiety was removed when my mom told me he had moved on, he doesn’t want me, I am no longer in a relationship and sometimes people just ignore your calls when they dump you because they don’t want to hurt your feelings when they want to break up with you so they ignore you. This was the best news ever. I was free. I think I threw a celebration about it online but I can’t remember the title and I tried to look for it by doing a search but no such luck. But I was finally able to move on and not feel like I was cheating. I refused to see I was dating because I was just going out meeting diaper guys and we were not having sex or even kissing so it was not a date, we were just going out as friends. But I could not move on and get a new bf because I was not single and it would have been cheating if I had done that. I was trapped in a relationship I could not get out of. Then after being released from it, I was in another relationship within two months with my Daddy after we had met after a month after three weeks of talking online before we met up in real life.
My Daddy also never cried and he used to open his mouth a lot like my youngest brother used to or a girl at my school who was the little sister of a boy in my 5th grade class. But then he stopped doing it because he got used to me. He was always shocked at things I would say but he never twisted them or took them the wrong way. I didn’t even have to feel I would have to walk on eggshells without hurting his feelings.
He also sees me as me and the adult me no matter how I act. He isn’t embarrassed about me or critical and he never gives me a hard time about what I do and what I like and he doesn’t make a big deal about it like Jerry did. Happy Father’s day.