“I thought it was my autism.”

I was at my group today and the topic was about being overwhelmed. This woman in our group who was new there today was talking about some therapy she takes for her head injury and I asked her how did she get it and she said “Domestic violence” and my eyes widened and I said “whoa” and she said “from my ex husband” and I said “You must be a single mom” and she said “I am.” Then I asked her when did she leave him and she said 2007 and I asked how long they were together and she said eight years. then the topic was about abuse and she said she had a confidential address and I asked what was wrong with her husband and if he had any diagnoses and she said he was diagnosed with borderline, narcissism, and antisocial” and I said “he was a sociopath” and she said he was. She mentioned he was high functioning so he was nice and charming and I talk about how there are red flags that lot of women miss and she mentioned she thought it was her autism that made her miss them after I mentioned how I sometimes go online read about abuse and I don’t feel alone and I feel better about myself and lot of women missed these signs too. I mentioned one thing a abuser does to lure their victim is they will be crazy over you, they will be clingy and will always think about you and always want to be around you and not want you to go to work or go home and they will also pay for everything and shower you with gifts and everything and I also thought it was my autism that made me miss the signs but I realized lot of women miss them so it’s not an autism thing. Then she said how her ex will say he has great empathy so she is realizing it might not be her autism because he is tricking lot of people by misrepresenting himself. He is nice out in public and he works as some counselor for jail. I also mentioned sometimes abusers will play the “oh poor me” and act like the victims and act like their victim was the abuser. I also thought about my ex and told the people at the table some about him but he never beat me or called me names or threatened me or broken anything or thrown things and he didn’t like violence himself. I mentioned he was just controlling and he ignored me after we were together and then it felt like I was single because he never answered his email or phone or IMs. That is something abusers also do. It was an interesting topic and I am glad she got out of there. I didn’t ask how he abused her or what took her so long to leave because it’s a sensitive topic and lot of people don’t like to think about it and remember it. I read abuse stories online sometimes and feel lucky because mine didn’t last long with him and also his abuse wasn’t bad because others had it worse and their partners acted worse. maybe mine would have gotten worse too if I stayed and thanks to him ignoring me, he lost me. I would have left him anyway if he didn’t ignore me and he wasn’t the kind of guy to make his victim stay. If you wanted to leave, leave, he didn’t care. I was like a disposable to him. There are other women out there he could find. Someone replied to my comment in LuckyOtter’s Heaven saying if I didn’t care about the guy, his silent treatment was useless. Then she gave me her interesting perspective that it sounded like my ex ignored me and then contacted me to make me think he didn’t care. If he cared, he wouldn’t have contacted me but it was just her opinion based on what I wrote.

Now I wonder if he contacted me around Thanksgiving of 2007 to see if I was still single and I was not because he maybe thought I got a new boyfriend to play a game with him but saw I was still with the new boyfriend. i never heard from him again. But he was also confusing because of things he said like how he didn’t want to be controlling so he didn’t want me doing things because I feel I have to but yet he acted like he wanted me to do things by making me feel bad because he would say I was self centered or get upset with me. Another thing he did was he didn’t care if I wanted to live with my aunt and uncle so he would say “go” whenever I expressed it but yet he would care I got a new partner? He also told me a story about how his ex girlfriend would always threaten to leave him and take their son too from him and he would no longer play that game if I did that to him. I never talked about breaking up with him to make him change and it worked every time when she did it. But I did often feel like moving out and living with my aunt and uncle. Now my rule is if you often feel like leaving your partner, then things are not working out between you two. I wonder if he sent me mixed messages to confuse me so I wouldn’t think he was abusive and controlling. It sure worked which is why I stuck with him. I ignored my feelings and my instincts thinking I was crazy and being too sensitive. I felt stupid for a while and felt it was all my fault and now I am realizing it was not and this happens to many domestic women too. I was just lucky I got out quick and that the abuse wasn’t that bad. I didn’t know then it was an abusive relationship because like most women, I thought abuse was being hit or beaten. Because he wasn’t hitting me or beating me, there was no abuse.

Advertisements

You have a higher chance being beaten to death by a stranger than by a family member

I was talking to my mom in the kitchen and she is on sick leave all because I hurt her back by leaving shoes in front of the door and so did my father so she slipped on our shoes and fell and hurt her back. Thank god she is still alive. She said “can you imagine if you found me dead” and I said “We would have lost the house” and she said she has life insurance and I said oh because of her job and she could be beaten to death by one of her patients and she said no because she drives for her work so since she does, she is better off having life insurance. I said maybe if she worked in a mental hospital, she would better need it because she could be beaten to death by a mental patient and she said “No that wouldn’t happen” and I said “I guess it’s only in movies and it would be rare if it did actually happen” and she said it is rare. Then I brought up about the time when Trudy was beaten to death by her 19 year old autistic son and he got hospitalized for it because he had a mind of a two year old and how many two year olds hit when they are upset? Mom then told me I had a higher chance of being beaten to death by a stranger than by a family member. I said it must be rare then for that to happen and she said it is rare and then I mentioned that statistics have showed that it’s rare for a person to commit a violent crime when they have a mental illness or disability and my mom said “yeah it is but unfortunately the media will report those rare cases so you think it’s an every day thing and it makes you fear such as fearing autism.”

So this was our conversation and it’s a relief that it is very rare for someone with a disability or mental illness to hurt you and you have a higher chance to be beaten randomly in the streets by a stranger which is also rare. I also guess the Frankie incident was rare too and it was unfortunate my family had to encounter it and I had to know someone like that. Of my time I was in special ed, I only knew one boy who was aggressive and he would pinch and hit others and one day he threw chairs and it only happened once. Then there was Frankie so that was two special needs kids I knew who was aggressive and my mom had one student who would bite and scratch and I guess he was rare too.

I sometimes do wonder if the media is trying to make people turn against autistic people and other people with mental illnesses by reporting a violet crime they have done. My parents say that is what the media does, conservatives own the Fox stations and will report things and they are bias because they want you to believe what they show and they want you to turn against Muslims so they will report a Muslim doing a bomb threat or doing a bombing and not show a white person doing it too or anyone else, only Muslims.

Then of course you will go online and then you will see parents talking about how aggressive their autistic kids are and how one of them pulled a knife on someone and I once read a story about an autistic child beating another child with a bat and now all the other parents don’t want their kids near that child and how the victim now has PTSD and I guess those are rare cases we are reading but the internet makes it sound so common that we are violent psychopaths and that we will try and harm you if we get upset and call it a meltdown. Even Dr. Phil said it’s rare for someone with autism to be violent and Issy is the 10% and that most autistic people are not violent. I know he was just saying this so no one would fear autistic people after that show. I found that as a relief too because I do get sick of hearing how violent someone with autism is or hearing about them doing something violent but hey it would be PC if no one talked about it or wasn’t allowed to.

So which is it?

You have probably heard of Tonya Harding, the figure skater who hired someone to attack another skater so she would win in the US Figure Skating Championship. Bob Rivers even has a song about it that is a parody of “Brand new key” and it’s called “Break Your Knees” and he has it on his website. (I just looked and I don’t see it so maybe he took it off or I don’t remember the exact name title). There was another incident I heard that happened in Wales. The incident made me think of Tonya Harding and her being a figure skater and the time she attacked another skater. Not literally but she had someone else do it for her so Nancy wouldn’t be able to skate and her plan failed. 20 yeah old Jemma Fitzgerald was attacked with an ice skate by another 27 year old woman Natasha Welsh who had Asprerger’s syndrome because she was smoking. She had a strong dislike in smoking because of her stepfather and former partner so she hit her with a bag and meant to hit her in the shoulder but got her in the head instead and she fell and there was blood and she saw it and kept on walking. The attack was witnessed by a bunch of teenage boys and one alerted his father and he chased after the woman and tried to make citizens arrest (what does that mean?) and she screamed and ran into a shop. The father told staff to call police and waited outside. The police came and arrested her.

I first heard this story on Facebook a couple nights ago and people on the autism spectrum were not happy about it because Natasha got to walk free from court because she had AS. There is even a petition on change.org called Retrial Natasha Welsh. Jemma suffered a fractured skull and needed twenty stitches and she had to have brain surgery and have elements of it removed. I was not happy about it either and I looked the story up online to see if I can get more facts and not one other news sites covers it.

Now here is the ironic thing, an aspie attacks another person and causes her a head injury and left her with possibly permanent disabilities that will be caused by the head injury and a bunch of aspies get pissed about it because autism does not cause someone to be violent but yet when a Tigard family got kicked off the plane because the mom told the flight crew that her daughter will maybe try and scratch and then maybe they will help her, they went ballistic about it and called it discrimination. Wait a minute, I thought autism didn’t cause someone to be violent and the mother just told the crew that her daughter tends to scratch others and told them it can happen if she doesn’t get her preferred food. Why would this be acceptable? Don’t get me started on Issy Stapleton, she gave her mother black eyes, gave her three head injuries, kicked her into being unconscious, pushed her down the stairs, tried to run her off the road by grabbing the steering wheel, would go after her little sister to hit her and Ainsley had to lock her self in her room or in their car to get away from her, and read another story where she planned to go to McDonalds with a bunch of her friends but then found out she wouldn’t be able to go so she starts ripping the whole house apart because Kelli was not around or her little sister so she targeted the house instead and wait a minute, autism does not cause someone to be violent and there were a bunch of people on the spectrum defending this teen and glossing over all the abuse and I would say that is the worst I have ever heard because it was so graphic and horrifying to see. Oh the double standard. Now I see they are pissed about an aspie attacking someone with an ice skate and walking free from court. I said sarcastically in the group on Facebook “Maybe she was having a meltdown.” I have noticed that it seems to be acceptable to be violent if it’s a meltdown and then I see other arguments that meltdowns does not mean violence but yet I will see other people on the spectrum and parents of autistic kids calling it a meltdown when they are aggressive or their child. Wait a minute, what?

People just cannot seem to agree.

On Dr. Phil

The last two days, I was watching the Dr. Phil show and it was about kelli and Issy Stapleton. I was hoping to hear Matt’s side of the story and the other kids and Issy but that never happened because Matt felt it should be Kelli’s story. Watching the whole thing was frightening because it was like watching a horror movie but it was with autism. They kept showing that video over and over of Kelli being attacked by her daughter who was then 13 and it sounded like something you would hear in a horror movie. I got sick of them showing that video over and over because it was horrifying and I felt haunted at work about the video and how violent some autistic kids can get and people find this acceptable? I imagined what if a movie company made a horror film and they decided to use an autistic character and it makes them kill people with their meltdowns. I bet lot of ASD people would get offended by it because they didn’t like how their condition was used to kill people in the movie. Now it was relieving to hear that most autistic people are not violent and this was just rare with Issy and most autistic kids are not violent. I can understand why autistic people would be upset by the show, they are concerned people will watch it and then fear autistic people and fear them when they find out they are on the spectrum. They fear they will have to hide their condition and not be able to disclose their autism or people might think they will attack them when they don’t get their way or when someone refuses to give into their demand or don’t do it fast enough or when they do something unintentionally that may be a sound that bothers them or if they accidentally bump into them as they walk by or maybe making a sound might make them fly into rage and assault them. It was bad enough when Adam Lanza shot his mother and went to school and killed a bunch of kids and they tried to blame it on autism. Then our fear was people think aspies are dangerous and all need to be locked up and if someone is an aspie, run from them because they might shoot you.

But face it, some autistic people are dangerous. We can’t hide it from reality because it’s the truth and get mad at anyone who talks about how violent their autistic child is. While it may be rare they are violent, there will always be someone online who will post about how aggressive their autistic child gets and what they do or how they have taken a knife and held it up to their them or pointed it at them or whatever, but that is the internet and things always seem more common when you hear about it online than in real life. Like I said in my other blog entry, of all the special needs kids I have been around growing up, only two were violent. Frankie and that one boy in my class named Russell. But statistically, most mentally ill and disabled people are not violent or destructive. It’s been stigmatized because the bad stands out more so whenever a person with a disability or someone with a mental illness commits a crime or is abusive, people find out about it because it goes in the media or the families tell the story and people gossip. So it makes it look like lot of them are violent.

What I do think  is messed up is how kelli had to attempt to kill her daughter to finally get help for her because Dr. Phil is having a foundation on his website where you can donate to help Issy with treatment. Parents shouldn’t have to attempt to kill their children to get help. That just shows how wrong the system is. This other mother who is Issy’s friend also has an autistic son who is also violent and has sent her to the hospital too and given her fractured bones and black eyes decided to end it all by stopping her car on the tracks and wait for the train to come. Then fortunately, the mother snapped back into reality and drove off the tracks after sitting there for ten minutes and the next day she lucked out because she got a call and they finally took him somewhere for him to get treatment. Now the mom is safe in her own home. I decided I want to donate to Issy so she can get better and be a good person. Instead of bitching about her in my blog and how heartless other people are and thinking it’s acceptable for her to abuse her mother just because she is autistic and how Kelli should take it all in, do something about it. Dr. Phil decided to help Kelli and her family and Issy out by doing a foundation for her so why not and donate some money to them to help the situation. But right now our money is tight so when pay day comes I want to donate a little money. A little money is better than nothing.

But here is something I find confusing. One of Kelli’s friends said how Issy is targeting her little sister and Kelli isn’t there to protect her from Issy. They have created a plan for the sister and she either locks herself in her room or in their car to get away from her when she is attacking. That totally upset me and how is this acceptable. Why is the dad allowing this? If this were my sister, she would be living in a hospital because my mom would have sent her there because everyone has the right to be safe in their own home. Then we hear a little side of the dad’s story, his name is Matt and he said the opposite. He said Issy is doing better and he fails to mention how aggressive she is towards her sister. That is something I would love to ask him.

I do think Kelli should have sent her daughter to a hospital and she was given that option. I know this because I listened to the radio interview that took place a year before the attempted murder and she said she was given that offer and it would be up to a year but Kelli refused it. She didn’t want to not see her daughter for a year. Another option was to take her other two kids and pack up and leave their home leaving behind Issy and Matt. But I wonder if they had any place to go like stay at a friends or parent or relatives? Better than attempted murder right? Either option will get you judged but it’s still better than attempted murder.  Should Kelli have called the police on Issy and have her charged with assault? The police could shoot her in self-defense if she attacks them or she could end up with a criminal record so calling the police wouldn’t be an option.  I say for any parent, be careful when you call the police on your sick child.

And I was nervous about the autistic boy I know in real life who is my husband’s old friend’s son because his wife posted on Facebook about her step son having disruptive behavior disorder and it’s a form of ODD and conduct disorder but it fits in neither of those. It’s a NOS label. My husband assured me he isn’t violent and his behavior disorder is with behavior, not aggression. I felt silly after that because I was so worried before bringing my kids to his birthday and I don’t want them to get hurt by him because what kind of parent would bring their kids to someone who is violent, especially if they are on the spectrum of ODD and Conduct disorder? I had never seen the kid violent so why was I so worried? Because of a label his step mom mentioned on Facebook? I never told her why I was so nervous about coming. I didn’t want to offend her so I ignored the question. I am sure she thinks I was nervous because of a new route there and knowing how to get there and what the route will look like and the roads and buildings because I was talking about that at the party how I had to look on Google maps so I know what to expect and I was so nervous about getting lost.

Will Issy ever get over her aggression or remain violent and be in prison someday or a mental hospital when she assaults someone when she is eighteen or older or even kill someone? Time will tell.

Only thing that bothered me about the show was when Kelli kept saying how she hated the autism and being in jail is better than a cell of autism. I wished she said instead jail is better than a cell of abuse or violence. That sounds better.

I just thought of something humorous, an aspie kept saying on the Dr. Phil page “please don’t kill me” to people who were feeling sorry for Kelli so I imagined NTs telling an aspie or an autistic person “Please don’t attack me” or “please don’t hurt me” when they find out they are on the spectrum because of ASD people and some NTs thinking it’s okay for Issy to be abusive and parents are wrong to be hurt by them and be the victims of their violence as if they have to be god. I could say to people as a joke “Don’t worry I won’t hurt you if you say no to me” or tell my boss “Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you if you give me more tasks to do.” I always tell my husband or father, “Don’t worry, I won’t kill you” when they talk about life insurance because some people have put their partners on life insurance and then kill them for the money.