Easily pressured

I am vulnerable to being pressured. I always have been my whole life and I get mad at myself about it. It’s not as common anymore as it used to be because I am an adult and most people leave me alone and not talk to me. As a kid I would get into trouble after being egged to do things because kids would not take no for an answer and I would be the one in trouble, not them. I used to be frightened in my teens that I would go to prison if another adult takes advantage of me because I knew the judge wouldn’t care nor the jury. But I think those things are rare that people take advantage of someone with a disability or who is weak. It’s very unlikely someone will come and pressure me to do something I don’t want to do and try and convince me it’s good and bam I go to jail because it would be rare and I don’t know what the chances are if I have more chances of winning the lottery than this happening or have a higher chance of being beaten in the street by a random stranger.

Last night my husband pressured me to have sex because he hadn’t had it in a month he said. These Abenas I have on, the plastic rips when you try to remove the tabs and they have ripped each time I have taken them off so I didn’t want to waste a diaper and the thought of taking it off gave me anxiety. I tried to leave and go upstairs but he wouldn’t let me. He just grabbed on to me and kept me pinned on his bed. I decided I shouldn’t be around him when I am wearing these or else he will want sex and it will be hard to leave. That means no being with him, no going to the basement to play my WiiU or look at my old video games or else he might get turned on and will want sex. He wouldn’t take no for an answer and we ended up having it anyway when i thought what if I can just pull my diaper aside and he can take his penis out of his diaper and slip it inside me in my diaper. It worked. I gave into the pressure and today I feel upset about it not because we had it, because I see how easily I can give into pressure of doing things I don’t want to do and the person just has to keep pressuring and pressuring and convince me and keep on trying. I feel mad at myself for being weak, why can’t I be stronger? Why can’t I try harder? I always hate myself for this and I have a little tears in my eyes right now as I write this.

I always feel proud of myself when I do stick up for myself and succeed like in my other two relationships. Being begged for sex and I didn’t give in, I feel proud for that because I as tough and didn’t give in. It was the heat is why and I cannot stand heat and sticky skin and it’s uncomfortable to have it when it’s real hot out. When I was with Jerry, he would always make me feel guilty and guilt trip me and I feel proud for taking the abuse than giving in. At the time I didn’t know it was abuse. He was just very needy and nothing was ever good enough. There were times I did give in such as not finding work because he had convinced me and I had no way of getting a job without a working car and I didn’t know how to use the bus system. I didn’t know how to figure it out until I was living with my aunt and uncle and they got me started.

I feel proud of myself for standing uo to people online sometimes like the time someone tried to pressure me to giving him naked photo of me because he “loves me and wants to see me and it turns him on” Then he told me I was mean when I still refused so I blocked him because I got upset and I couldn’t take his pressure so I ran from. Block. So easy to get rid of them online. My therapist told me that was called manipulation and they will do it in a positive way and he started to role play saying “Oh I love you, I need to see you naked because I love you.” Then he told me when I refuse, they will try and do it in a negative way by telling me how mean I am. I felt better. It was all manipulation, he didn’t love me and I wasn’t mean and I did nothing wrong.

There was another incident when some man wanted my phone number and I refused to give it to him because I knew then giving out your phone number online is a bad idea and I have been pressured before. But this time I dug in my heals and said no but this man wouldn’t take no for an answer so he begged me for it like a five year old and not stop. I blocked him. Problem solved. No more pressure.

I had an online friend from Holland and we had been friends since I was eighteen or nineteen but he wanted a mommy. He pressured me to be his mommy and I decided I didn’t want to do it and said no. He called me a liar and said I told him I would always make sure he is dry and stuff and that we worked it out. He called me dishonest and stuff so I blocked him because all he wanted to do was argue and he said he was taking me off his list and he wouldn’t so I did him a favor. I realized he was just a creepy guy and very manipulative because I looked through our chat history. But I feel proud for being tough here and being strong. I say it’s easier online to be tough and not give in but it can still happen but I have more power. We have the ignore button and there is signing off and you don’t need to open a thread again or open a PM. I do always blame myself when I get pressured online because I wasn’t tougher and I should have tried harder and been stronger. Then I am always mad at myself and feel angry.

I still feel angry at myself for walking to the store with a stranger and he ended up taking my wallet but luckily he didn’t get much from me, just his gas for his car and a phone he can’t even use and whatever he got with $14.90 he spent. It was two months later when I got something in the mail and something inside felt lumpy and they were all my cards but the only things missing were my credit and debit card and my dad’s card and my Target card and my Conoco gift card and my bus pass. But everything else was there including a card that didn’t belong to me so it got mixed in there somehow. My wallet wasn’t there either. The cards I have were my library card which was no longer valid, honored citizen pass, rewards cards for stores, my ID. the thief only wanted money and I don’t know if it was him that mailed them back or someone from the store.

Hell, someone could probably pressure me into robbing a 7-Eleven if they really convince me and pressure me and not back down and leave and my husband doesn’t get it because he told me he will just give me a rule, no doing crimes or else he gives me a butt spanking for over an hour. But like I say these chances would be very slim. People always leave me alone and not talk to me vs when I was a kid, I seemed to have a invisible sign on me saying “I am different, pick on me and be mean to me and get me into trouble.” Then that sign wore off and expired when I reached adulthood. All that anxiety about reaching adulthood for nothing. So that eases my anxiety and I feel safer.

Why am I so weak?

You have a higher chance being beaten to death by a stranger than by a family member

I was talking to my mom in the kitchen and she is on sick leave all because I hurt her back by leaving shoes in front of the door and so did my father so she slipped on our shoes and fell and hurt her back. Thank god she is still alive. She said “can you imagine if you found me dead” and I said “We would have lost the house” and she said she has life insurance and I said oh because of her job and she could be beaten to death by one of her patients and she said no because she drives for her work so since she does, she is better off having life insurance. I said maybe if she worked in a mental hospital, she would better need it because she could be beaten to death by a mental patient and she said “No that wouldn’t happen” and I said “I guess it’s only in movies and it would be rare if it did actually happen” and she said it is rare. Then I brought up about the time when Trudy was beaten to death by her 19 year old autistic son and he got hospitalized for it because he had a mind of a two year old and how many two year olds hit when they are upset? Mom then told me I had a higher chance of being beaten to death by a stranger than by a family member. I said it must be rare then for that to happen and she said it is rare and then I mentioned that statistics have showed that it’s rare for a person to commit a violent crime when they have a mental illness or disability and my mom said “yeah it is but unfortunately the media will report those rare cases so you think it’s an every day thing and it makes you fear such as fearing autism.”

So this was our conversation and it’s a relief that it is very rare for someone with a disability or mental illness to hurt you and you have a higher chance to be beaten randomly in the streets by a stranger which is also rare. I also guess the Frankie incident was rare too and it was unfortunate my family had to encounter it and I had to know someone like that. Of my time I was in special ed, I only knew one boy who was aggressive and he would pinch and hit others and one day he threw chairs and it only happened once. Then there was Frankie so that was two special needs kids I knew who was aggressive and my mom had one student who would bite and scratch and I guess he was rare too.

I sometimes do wonder if the media is trying to make people turn against autistic people and other people with mental illnesses by reporting a violet crime they have done. My parents say that is what the media does, conservatives own the Fox stations and will report things and they are bias because they want you to believe what they show and they want you to turn against Muslims so they will report a Muslim doing a bomb threat or doing a bombing and not show a white person doing it too or anyone else, only Muslims.

Then of course you will go online and then you will see parents talking about how aggressive their autistic kids are and how one of them pulled a knife on someone and I once read a story about an autistic child beating another child with a bat and now all the other parents don’t want their kids near that child and how the victim now has PTSD and I guess those are rare cases we are reading but the internet makes it sound so common that we are violent psychopaths and that we will try and harm you if we get upset and call it a meltdown. Even Dr. Phil said it’s rare for someone with autism to be violent and Issy is the 10% and that most autistic people are not violent. I know he was just saying this so no one would fear autistic people after that show. I found that as a relief too because I do get sick of hearing how violent someone with autism is or hearing about them doing something violent but hey it would be PC if no one talked about it or wasn’t allowed to.

Was My Ex a Narcissist?

Lately I have been seeing this word around online. Lot of people who had dysfunctional childhoods will say their moms or dads had this. I also ready a blog by an aspie and her mom also had it too and she talks about that condition in her blog and now Sarah Burleton says her mom had it after she had been talking to child abuse survivors online and they all mentioned this word and then she realized what her mom’s mental condition was and what was wrong with her and why she was always nuts. Sometimes you will read about labels and then wonder if someone you knew had it rather it was psychopathy or narcissism.

I started to wonder if my aspie ex could have also been a narc. He always felt the need to put others down and nothing was ever good enough for him. He had to have luxuries; nice furniture and a nice car, nice place to live in and I thought his stuff was fine and I didn’t care about his kitchen stuff or his home or what car he drove and what he had. But it was not good enough. One time we were on the road and I pointed to a crappy pick up truck and it was in worst shape than his car he drove. I told him he had a better car than his and my ex response was “I bet he had a nice one sitting at home and he is just coming home from the dump and he has a nice big yard and a big house with a wife and kids all happy living there.” See, nothing was ever good enough. Even if someone had something crappier than his, he had to make it seem like theirs was still better.

The other one was jealousy. He moved a lot in his childhood, he was in special ed but hated it because it made him feel stupid and he was diagnosed with ADHD and a teacher told him “You are not failing all your classes” because he excelled in math but not in other subjects. He also moved a lot because his parents were poor so it was a bunch of different schools he went to and his mom never bothered to figure out what was wrong with him. She had given up. Instead she had left it up to the schools to decide and figure it out for her. My ex could remember doing a test and he got told “You have a high IQ with no common sense.” Then he meets me and he was so jealous about my childhood and the fact my mom didn’t give up on me and how they managed to get a correct diagnoses for me and I told him “Asperger’s wasn’t known when you were a kid so your mother wouldn’t have found the answer for you.” But it still didn’t matter that his mom gave up or not and wouldn’t have found the answer anyway. Because his childhood was so dysfunctional due to his parents being poor and always being evicted so they moved around the area a lot, he was emancipated at 16 and was working since then being an adult. Me, I didn’t get to have that lifestyle so I didn’t even need to be an adult at 16 and start working and my parents would always support me and help me and he was always on his own so he was critical about it. He made it out to be how incompetent I was and how bad my poor self help skills were so I needed them to support me for the rest of my life. he also told me how slow I was in developing so I wouldn’t have been able to travel on my own at 18 and I told him “I didn’t even have any money, I didn’t even have a real job so I couldn’t afford it and I was not going to spend all my 300 bucks from allowance going to Spokane” he then said “What if they handed you some money to go for the weekend” and I said “maybe if they handed me at least a thousand, I would be able to go and not worry about running out.” That still wasn’t good enough so he insisted my self help skills were poor. I actually fell for it and felt so bad about myself and I thought I was more severe than I really was. I realize now this was just him being jealous and his low self esteem so he had to make me feel bad to make himself feel better because he had to be an adult early and support himself and always take care of himself and I had supportive parents and I wouldn’t have to struggle and work hard like him and he was jealous.

When we first met, he wanted to give me anything, he told me he would give his woman anything and not expect anything from her. He paid for everything and took me anywhere. This was great right and what a great guy he is. I also didn’t know this was a red flag for some women and this behavior actually puts a woman off because the person comes off as desperate. You might also feel you are using or taking advantage of him so you may feel uncomfortable with this behavior. I felt this way and he reassured me and I stopped feeling guilty. He even offered to fix my car and hey saving money right? So my dad took me out to him when I decided to move out there and be with him and he said he would fix my car. It never happened until we moved out of his apartment. I also couldn’t go out and find a job because I didn’t know how to work the bus system and I couldn’t drive his car because no one was on the insurance. He had changed it so only he could drive it to save money. Rule of thumb, do not try and be cheap by having someone fix your car for you for free after they tell you they will do it. Do not rely on them. Being frugal is not always the answer.

He had me believing I was crazy. I would think I twisted what he said because he would tell me he never said that I did and I thought I had a bad memory because I couldn’t remember saying certain things and I would swear he said this or that but he would then tell me he never said that. I often felt like I needed a tape recorder to record all our conversations to prove he said this or that or that i said this or that. Yes this is a form of gaslighting and I had no idea this was called emotional manipulation. I had no idea these were mind games. He had told me he was honest and he doesn’t lie so I always believed him and I thought I had a terrible terrible memory so I was always second guessing myself and questioning myself.

He would always tell his son everything about me and none of our conversations were private and if I took something literal, he would tell it to him or if I didn’t know he was teasing, he would tell his son about it. This was something kids did at my school when I was little and other kids would laugh and tease me about it and know how “stupid” I was but I assumed my ex didn’t know what he was doing and he didn’t understand because he had Asperger’s right and he was just too honest and didn’t have a filter. I just had to accept it. I thought it was not his intent to bully me so this is not what he was doing. I didn’t know then I could still tell him to stop doing it and I don’t like it. I did ask him if he had to tell his son everything and he didn’t need to know but he still did it saying he doesn’t lie and he felt not telling his kid everything would be lying because his kid always asked. But he didn’t need to tell him anything, just tell him it was none of his damn business. I didn’t realize I didn’t have to tolerate this and let this happen. I didn’t know it was a form of abuse and him attempting to humiliate me. Just because someone has AS does not mean they can be a dick and be abusive.

He was very black and white, no question about it.

No matter what I said, he would always cry because of things I would say. I refused to walk on eggshells and I often made him cry. I was the abuser technically because I was always hurting his feelings even if I didn’t mean to. He was very sensitive.

I also had to keep my feelings bottled up because he would take things the wrong way I say and get mad at me if I had anxiety or if anything was bothering me or if my mind was being destructive with all these thoughts in my brain, the worrying and the stress like my car not being done and me not having a job and me wanting to get settled. Talking about this would have upset him and make him mad and it felt he would twist what I say. One example was when he was cooking pasta. He accidentally spilled some macaroni in the sink because he started cussing. I asked him what was wrong and he said “I spilled some noodles in the sink” and I said “That is less calories for you to have” and he said “You called me fat, thanks a lot” and I said “I didn’t call you that” and he said “telling me that is less calories for me is saying I’m fat.”

Could he have been a narcissist or was it just his depression and low self esteem speaking? Behaviors can overlap.

The person I mentioned here in this blog who does her own blog wrote this:

http://luckyottershaven.com/2014/10/03/survivor-hypervigilance-and-the-danger-of-false-labeling/

and she talks about the danger of false labeling. I don’t want to falsley label my ex as one just because some of the descriptions sounded like him for How to spot a narc. I think you can have some narc in you and not have NPD. She also talked about what other disorders can mimic the condition. I sometimes feel like a narc but everyone is to a degree. We all want attention, we all want to be knowledge, we all want to tell about our achievements and what great things we have done, but some people take it above the mean. Hell even mommy bloggers get called a narc and I think they are just misusing the term. Even Kelli Stapleton was called a narc because of her blog about her daughter’s aggression and being treated for it and doing fundraising to help support her treatment and showing her black eyes and her being in the hospital and a video of her being beaten by her daughter as a way to get more support and help and how serious this all is and no one will believe how a kid can be dangerous so more help please. One thing I wonder is where the hell was the brother when she would beat their mom? Did she wait until he wasn’t home? (Matt was often gone so he got very little of the aggression)If he was home, why didn’t he defend their mom and grab Issy? My brother would always butt in to defend our mother if I got too aggressive with our mom because I was trying to be Frankie and have ODD to get my way. Back then I thought ODD was a choice and that people created labels for behaviors people do and you can be anything you want to be. If you want to be an asshole, be one. If you don’t want to be one, stop being one. If you want to be good, be good. If you want to be bad, be bad. If you want to be a nice person, be nice. If you want to be a show off, be a show up, don’t want to be one, don’t be one. Oh want to be a screamer, start screaming. So my whole life I have always copied and mimicked behaviors I was exposed to which was why I was placed in mainstream. Me being in a self contained room was not a good environment for me where kids were not able to act appropriate. To me it was all normal behavior and I thought the teacher assigned certain rules to certain students so I would sometimes break a rule to see if that rule didn’t apply to me. I would test them to see what my limits were and what the rules were for me. I didn’t realize I was confused because of the inconsistencies. Then when I discovered I was allowed to scream I did it in school because that was where I was allowed to do it. One day I brought it home and learned I was not to do that at home and it was school behavior and I was at home now so I couldn’t do that and me telling my mother “Sorry I forgot, that’s school behavior, I am at home now so now I have to do home behavior” was an eye opener for my mother at age seven and she found out after that I was in the wrong class and I had to be taken out of there. It took them until I was eight to be taken out of that class and placed in mainstream. So this is a problem folks when you place all special needs kids in one room segregating them from normies. They will just all mimic each other and not learn any appropriate behavior and if you have a kid that copies everyone, you do not want them in that class. Some kids benefit in these sort of classrooms but not all of them which is why I am all for inclusion. If a kid can’t be in there alone, have an aide with them, if they act up and start disrupting class, remove them from the room for them to calm down and then bring them back when they are done. It’s not black and white. Well I got off topic again. Typical me.

So blogging about your life as a parent makes you a “narc” and blogging about being beaten by your child and showing your injuries or them beating you and about their aggression and you trying to treat it in them so they won’t be anymore and them getting help for it. I do think the term is over used which is what I think Lucky Otter’s Haven’s blog entry was about.

EDIT:

Another to add is I was reading Addicted to Love and Drama blog and I read an entry where the blogger was being ignored by her lover and he would ignore her calls and his excuse was he was “busy” and cancel out the last minute they were supposed to go out. This reminded me about my ex. Once we moved out of his apartment, he went living with his parents and I lived with my aunt and uncle. It was supposed to be that we would be separated until he found another place to rent again but instead he started to ignore me. He wouldn’t answer his phone and he wouldn’t chat with me online despite being on and his excuse was he was “busy.” There was a time when we were supposed to go out and have fun and I was on the toilet and he happened to be on his way over and because I was on the toilet, he decide to cancel out and go home. I was heartbroken. There was another time when he told me his niece would be graduating and he wanted to take me with. I got happy about it because we were going to be together again, I never hear from him all week and that day comes and I can’t get a hold of him. I end up going to a AB munch instead that was in the huge park here in the city and it has a dead volcano and it’s a huge forest and a hill and it has a reservoir. It has trials and picnic tables and a playground. I am wondering now if he did this on purpose. This hurt more than a break up. If you want to break up with someone, at least break up with them than ghost so that way they know they are single and no longer together and they can move on. There will be no stress and the anxiety. There might still be hurt feelings but it’s not as hurtful as going silent on them and saying nothing. My mistake was not breaking up with him as soon as I could and another mistake was being too concerned about his feelings I wasn’t able to break up with him and I could have driven to his work and walk in and break up with him there and not care if it would be asshat of me because it would have been in front of his co workers. but it would have been the price of ignoring me and being impossible to reach and I didn’t know where his parents lived. I didn’t know the address and I couldn’t remember the location. My rule of thumb is if anyone ever goes silent on you, move on, assume you are single and move on. It doesn’t matter if they are aspie or have some mental illness or whatever. Move on. If someone can’t even bother to answer their phone and keep in touch and not include you in their life so you feel single, they shouldn’t be in a relationship. But this was another narc thing he did. Then he messages me again twice after I met my husband and then I never heard from him again. Thank god. I don’t want anyone in my life who talks to me and then disappears and then comes back and disappears again.

I will say I am lucky I got out and he let me go even though it feels he threw me out. He wasn’t one of those guys who doesn’t let his woman go so he threatens her or stalks her and gives her guilt trips for leaving. Instead he will just look for another woman. Some guys are like that. Instead it’s like once they find someone is useless they throw them out so they get “busy” and then go silent. If we had a kid together then that would have been a big mistake and he would have stayed in my life and not be silent with me and I probably wouldn’t have told him about my pregnancy so I end up raising the kid alone without the dad and I can understand now why some women don’t tell their ex’s that they are pregnant with their child so they never know they have a child. Just don’t ask for child support. This may seem selfish that I would even think about keeping my kid from their dad but I wouldn’t want them exposed to his homophobia and AB/DL and bigotry hate and their judgmentalness on life. I saw his son was the mini him because he seemed to be a follower with his opinions and agree with everything he said. I would not want my kid to be that way and then hate on me and turn against me because their dad said this or that about me and how “incompetent” I am and how “retarded” I am and “slow.” I could not imagine the drama it would be if I got pregnant and told him I was pregnant with his baby just to keep him in my life and be friends like he promised we would always be if things didn’t work out between us. That would be idiotic too and he would probably want full custody so I would have to be sucked into that drama going to court myself and having a lawyer and also play games to keep him away like his ex was doing. I wouldn’t make anything up in court of course, just tell the judge how he treated me and everything and the kind of person he is and use his income against him and his lifestyle and how he can’t manage his money so he is always broke and how he can;t make enough income to afford a child. I sometimes wonder if that is what really happened when his doctor he hired said he wouldn’t be able to take care of his son because of his Asperger’s and I wonder if his doctor never said that and my ex was just using it as an excuse because he blamed it on that.

Kids are honest so I sometimes wonder if his son was ever talking about me to his mother and she read between the lines and used it against him in court so his doctor told the judge there is no way he can be a father to his child. But I will never know.

Edit #2:

My husband and I were heading home and I was talking and then something else popped in my head about my ex. I read on Addicted to Drama blog about her ex being a hypocrite and avoiding responsibility. I realized that about my ex on the way home and I remember the things he did were; his landlord decided she wanted her rent on time instead of getting it late from him. She had also let him give it to her late and then February 2007 she decided she wanted her rent now so my ex called it a game she played. My ex decided to move out of her apartment because he got tired of her “games” so he told her he was moving out, she decides to leave a note on his door to evict him and he called that a game. He told me a story once how he lost one of his other jobs due to his mother. I asked what happened and he told me how he couldn’t be at work that day so he couldn’t give everyone their paychecks so he gave them to his mother to give and instead she lost them and it cost my ex his job. I told him then it was his own fault because it was his own responsibility to give them to the employees, not his mother. She didn’t work there. You see he would always procrastinate. So he had himself to blame. Another thing I remember is his hypocrisy. He felt like he was with a five year old and refused to do anything with me if I was acting too childish so basically I had to put on a mask to make sure I was grown up enough for him. But yet he was like a teen because he had a bit of immaturity in him and he liked to watch shows like The Suite Life of Zach and Cody, shows on Disney. I told him I would refuse to have anything to do with him if he is like a teen because I feel like I am with a teen, not an adult. He called that a game. Another thing about him is he would always talk, he would sometimes keep me up at night by his talking so I told him one day I should start talking to him when he is trying to sleep to see how he likes that and he called that a game. He refused to see from a different perspective and how he was acting and he refused to see his own hypocrisy and take responsibility so he called anything a game he didn’t like. My husband’s thought about it was he was not a good guy. What he thought of him about the landlord thing, he said he didn’t have a touch on reality and he lived in a fantasy world and he needed to get a grip. I told my husband I am strongly believing he was a narcissist. I realized he also played games when he would be the one accusing me and others playing games. I think holding his rent money until the last day when she was expecting the rent by 2/20 was a game he played and he told me he would just hang on to it to piss her off because of her “game.”

So which is it?

You have probably heard of Tonya Harding, the figure skater who hired someone to attack another skater so she would win in the US Figure Skating Championship. Bob Rivers even has a song about it that is a parody of “Brand new key” and it’s called “Break Your Knees” and he has it on his website. (I just looked and I don’t see it so maybe he took it off or I don’t remember the exact name title). There was another incident I heard that happened in Wales. The incident made me think of Tonya Harding and her being a figure skater and the time she attacked another skater. Not literally but she had someone else do it for her so Nancy wouldn’t be able to skate and her plan failed. 20 yeah old Jemma Fitzgerald was attacked with an ice skate by another 27 year old woman Natasha Welsh who had Asprerger’s syndrome because she was smoking. She had a strong dislike in smoking because of her stepfather and former partner so she hit her with a bag and meant to hit her in the shoulder but got her in the head instead and she fell and there was blood and she saw it and kept on walking. The attack was witnessed by a bunch of teenage boys and one alerted his father and he chased after the woman and tried to make citizens arrest (what does that mean?) and she screamed and ran into a shop. The father told staff to call police and waited outside. The police came and arrested her.

I first heard this story on Facebook a couple nights ago and people on the autism spectrum were not happy about it because Natasha got to walk free from court because she had AS. There is even a petition on change.org called Retrial Natasha Welsh. Jemma suffered a fractured skull and needed twenty stitches and she had to have brain surgery and have elements of it removed. I was not happy about it either and I looked the story up online to see if I can get more facts and not one other news sites covers it.

Now here is the ironic thing, an aspie attacks another person and causes her a head injury and left her with possibly permanent disabilities that will be caused by the head injury and a bunch of aspies get pissed about it because autism does not cause someone to be violent but yet when a Tigard family got kicked off the plane because the mom told the flight crew that her daughter will maybe try and scratch and then maybe they will help her, they went ballistic about it and called it discrimination. Wait a minute, I thought autism didn’t cause someone to be violent and the mother just told the crew that her daughter tends to scratch others and told them it can happen if she doesn’t get her preferred food. Why would this be acceptable? Don’t get me started on Issy Stapleton, she gave her mother black eyes, gave her three head injuries, kicked her into being unconscious, pushed her down the stairs, tried to run her off the road by grabbing the steering wheel, would go after her little sister to hit her and Ainsley had to lock her self in her room or in their car to get away from her, and read another story where she planned to go to McDonalds with a bunch of her friends but then found out she wouldn’t be able to go so she starts ripping the whole house apart because Kelli was not around or her little sister so she targeted the house instead and wait a minute, autism does not cause someone to be violent and there were a bunch of people on the spectrum defending this teen and glossing over all the abuse and I would say that is the worst I have ever heard because it was so graphic and horrifying to see. Oh the double standard. Now I see they are pissed about an aspie attacking someone with an ice skate and walking free from court. I said sarcastically in the group on Facebook “Maybe she was having a meltdown.” I have noticed that it seems to be acceptable to be violent if it’s a meltdown and then I see other arguments that meltdowns does not mean violence but yet I will see other people on the spectrum and parents of autistic kids calling it a meltdown when they are aggressive or their child. Wait a minute, what?

People just cannot seem to agree.

On Dr. Phil

The last two days, I was watching the Dr. Phil show and it was about kelli and Issy Stapleton. I was hoping to hear Matt’s side of the story and the other kids and Issy but that never happened because Matt felt it should be Kelli’s story. Watching the whole thing was frightening because it was like watching a horror movie but it was with autism. They kept showing that video over and over of Kelli being attacked by her daughter who was then 13 and it sounded like something you would hear in a horror movie. I got sick of them showing that video over and over because it was horrifying and I felt haunted at work about the video and how violent some autistic kids can get and people find this acceptable? I imagined what if a movie company made a horror film and they decided to use an autistic character and it makes them kill people with their meltdowns. I bet lot of ASD people would get offended by it because they didn’t like how their condition was used to kill people in the movie. Now it was relieving to hear that most autistic people are not violent and this was just rare with Issy and most autistic kids are not violent. I can understand why autistic people would be upset by the show, they are concerned people will watch it and then fear autistic people and fear them when they find out they are on the spectrum. They fear they will have to hide their condition and not be able to disclose their autism or people might think they will attack them when they don’t get their way or when someone refuses to give into their demand or don’t do it fast enough or when they do something unintentionally that may be a sound that bothers them or if they accidentally bump into them as they walk by or maybe making a sound might make them fly into rage and assault them. It was bad enough when Adam Lanza shot his mother and went to school and killed a bunch of kids and they tried to blame it on autism. Then our fear was people think aspies are dangerous and all need to be locked up and if someone is an aspie, run from them because they might shoot you.

But face it, some autistic people are dangerous. We can’t hide it from reality because it’s the truth and get mad at anyone who talks about how violent their autistic child is. While it may be rare they are violent, there will always be someone online who will post about how aggressive their autistic child gets and what they do or how they have taken a knife and held it up to their them or pointed it at them or whatever, but that is the internet and things always seem more common when you hear about it online than in real life. Like I said in my other blog entry, of all the special needs kids I have been around growing up, only two were violent. Frankie and that one boy in my class named Russell. But statistically, most mentally ill and disabled people are not violent or destructive. It’s been stigmatized because the bad stands out more so whenever a person with a disability or someone with a mental illness commits a crime or is abusive, people find out about it because it goes in the media or the families tell the story and people gossip. So it makes it look like lot of them are violent.

What I do think  is messed up is how kelli had to attempt to kill her daughter to finally get help for her because Dr. Phil is having a foundation on his website where you can donate to help Issy with treatment. Parents shouldn’t have to attempt to kill their children to get help. That just shows how wrong the system is. This other mother who is Issy’s friend also has an autistic son who is also violent and has sent her to the hospital too and given her fractured bones and black eyes decided to end it all by stopping her car on the tracks and wait for the train to come. Then fortunately, the mother snapped back into reality and drove off the tracks after sitting there for ten minutes and the next day she lucked out because she got a call and they finally took him somewhere for him to get treatment. Now the mom is safe in her own home. I decided I want to donate to Issy so she can get better and be a good person. Instead of bitching about her in my blog and how heartless other people are and thinking it’s acceptable for her to abuse her mother just because she is autistic and how Kelli should take it all in, do something about it. Dr. Phil decided to help Kelli and her family and Issy out by doing a foundation for her so why not and donate some money to them to help the situation. But right now our money is tight so when pay day comes I want to donate a little money. A little money is better than nothing.

But here is something I find confusing. One of Kelli’s friends said how Issy is targeting her little sister and Kelli isn’t there to protect her from Issy. They have created a plan for the sister and she either locks herself in her room or in their car to get away from her when she is attacking. That totally upset me and how is this acceptable. Why is the dad allowing this? If this were my sister, she would be living in a hospital because my mom would have sent her there because everyone has the right to be safe in their own home. Then we hear a little side of the dad’s story, his name is Matt and he said the opposite. He said Issy is doing better and he fails to mention how aggressive she is towards her sister. That is something I would love to ask him.

I do think Kelli should have sent her daughter to a hospital and she was given that option. I know this because I listened to the radio interview that took place a year before the attempted murder and she said she was given that offer and it would be up to a year but Kelli refused it. She didn’t want to not see her daughter for a year. Another option was to take her other two kids and pack up and leave their home leaving behind Issy and Matt. But I wonder if they had any place to go like stay at a friends or parent or relatives? Better than attempted murder right? Either option will get you judged but it’s still better than attempted murder.  Should Kelli have called the police on Issy and have her charged with assault? The police could shoot her in self-defense if she attacks them or she could end up with a criminal record so calling the police wouldn’t be an option.  I say for any parent, be careful when you call the police on your sick child.

And I was nervous about the autistic boy I know in real life who is my husband’s old friend’s son because his wife posted on Facebook about her step son having disruptive behavior disorder and it’s a form of ODD and conduct disorder but it fits in neither of those. It’s a NOS label. My husband assured me he isn’t violent and his behavior disorder is with behavior, not aggression. I felt silly after that because I was so worried before bringing my kids to his birthday and I don’t want them to get hurt by him because what kind of parent would bring their kids to someone who is violent, especially if they are on the spectrum of ODD and Conduct disorder? I had never seen the kid violent so why was I so worried? Because of a label his step mom mentioned on Facebook? I never told her why I was so nervous about coming. I didn’t want to offend her so I ignored the question. I am sure she thinks I was nervous because of a new route there and knowing how to get there and what the route will look like and the roads and buildings because I was talking about that at the party how I had to look on Google maps so I know what to expect and I was so nervous about getting lost.

Will Issy ever get over her aggression or remain violent and be in prison someday or a mental hospital when she assaults someone when she is eighteen or older or even kill someone? Time will tell.

Only thing that bothered me about the show was when Kelli kept saying how she hated the autism and being in jail is better than a cell of autism. I wished she said instead jail is better than a cell of abuse or violence. That sounds better.

I just thought of something humorous, an aspie kept saying on the Dr. Phil page “please don’t kill me” to people who were feeling sorry for Kelli so I imagined NTs telling an aspie or an autistic person “Please don’t attack me” or “please don’t hurt me” when they find out they are on the spectrum because of ASD people and some NTs thinking it’s okay for Issy to be abusive and parents are wrong to be hurt by them and be the victims of their violence as if they have to be god. I could say to people as a joke “Don’t worry I won’t hurt you if you say no to me” or tell my boss “Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you if you give me more tasks to do.” I always tell my husband or father, “Don’t worry, I won’t kill you” when they talk about life insurance because some people have put their partners on life insurance and then kill them for the money.

I goofed up

In my last blog entry, I talked a little about child abuse and I said how Sarah Burleton was tossed down the stairs by her mom and her aunt took her to the hospital. That was about something else. Her aunt decided to visit her sister at her apartment and she saw Sarah had two black eyes and a bloody nose and her mom said she fell. Sarah’s aunt knew you do not get two black eyes from falling so she took her to the hospital and not only did they have two black eyes and a bloody nose, she also had a fractured skull. Sarah asked her aunt when she told her this story when her son was little and she was about his age when it happened, why didn’t anyone call the cops, her aunt said times were different then. This had to be the early eighties when this happened. I did learn one thing from her first book, CPS was still useless and not as good when I was a kid. My mom also told me there was no mandatory law to report child abuse and it wasn’t enforced. It also told me Heather the Babysitter written by *bleg* Deeker may have been plausible because the time it was written, people back then just didn’t call social services. But yes Sarah was tossed down the stairs and broke her collar bone from the toss and her mother didn’t get arrested. Who knows what the cover up story was, “I tripped and she flew out of my arms.” I still can’t imagine any mom doing that to a helpless kid and I was so horrified her mom could be so capable of being so evil to an infant and she was abusing her then as a infant and toddler. I would love to sock the mother and send her a nasty email. I am sure lot of people feel that way and I doubt Sarah will post her mom’s home address or her email. I also felt the same way about Catherine Pelzer when I read A Child Called “it.” Send her a nasty letter if I knew her address. People who like to believe these stories are fake, good for them. I guess they are better off not knowing how horrible parents can be to their kids. Ignorance is a bliss. People today still don’t want to believe how real child abuse is just like how people don’t want to believe how real it is that men can be victims of domestic abuse or how real it is that parents can be victims of abuse from their underage children. In fact there is a movie about a guy being abused by his wife and it’s called Men Don’t Tell. It was only aired once and women groups got offended by it and got it banned. I saw it on youtube and I was happy how the daughter ratted her mom out because she was concerned about her being in huge trouble for what she does. Then the father was released and had full custody over their kids and told his ex wife or separated wife (not sure if they were divorced or not) to get help.

And I will be honest, I used to not believe men could be abused by their wives because they are stronger and could easily restrain them so why would they let their wives abuse them? I also thought the same about children too. Toddlers can get aggressive and if it’s sometimes painful when they scatch or bite you or head butt you in the face, imagine if it was done with intent. It will be a lot more painful and harder to restrain them. I saw how strong a child can be. If I had to hold my son away from me or hold his arms and feet to keep him from kicking and hitting, imagine doing that to a five year old or to a seven year old. Most kids outgrow their aggressive behaviors by the time they are five years old. My son outgrew his and he is only three so that shows each kid is different. Or because I taught him to not do it. I also used to believe parents should put up with the abuse from their child but I have realized safety comes first, same as if a child gets aggressive unintentionally and they have gotten too big to be restrained by their parents and have gotten too strong they could now easily hurt them. After reading persona stories, yes I have changed my views. Why can’t other people and why is this all rocket science?

The sicko was finally caught

http://www.birminghammail.co.uk/news/local-news/cradley-heath-husband-wife-husband-5770280

I used to speak with this person back in 2003-04. He also ran a MSN group called AspergerWorld3 and only in MSN chat he would talk about peeing on children and touching them wrong and told me it was “legal” over there. He was from England. His wife was just as creepy and I don’t know why I continued speaking to this guy but I finally blocked him because I did not like hearing his stories about what he likes to do to children and trying to push me to do it too. He also used to ask me why didn’t I stop my brother from leaving the bedroom when he was three to tell my mom and dad when I was trying to get him to sniff me down there and why didn’t I keep peeing on my brother after I did it once when I was four while taking a bath. I was four and six. I didn’t understand the concept of private parts then but my little brother grasped it quickly at three years of age. He was very bright advanced at his age so he understood better than most kids his own age. Me, I was below my age level so I didn’t understand as much other kids my age would understand. What got me to stop finally of asking my brothers to sniff me down there was I didn’t like being screamed at about it and being in trouble so I only thought it was wrong because my parents say so, not that I really understood. Do any six year olds really understand or do they know it’s wrong because the grown ups say so?

But this guy was finally caught and I was hoping he would be. I kind of outed him in 2010 on a forum and he said I was lying about it so another guy made a video about it on youtube and said I was a liar. He is known as a troll in the autism community. This sicko was also an aspie and I thank whoever wrote the article for not mentioning his condition. It’s totally irrelevant to what he did. The last thing we need is another aspie doing a crime and their condition going in the media about it. If they do commit a crime, don’t mention them having it. This guy messaged me on youtube saying he never spoke to me and I was spreading a rumor about him and he ironically called me a pedophile and said he will find out what school I work at and have me fired because I shouldn’t be around children. It was over my diapers. But I don’t work in a school so I don’t know where he got that from and what does me wearing them have to do with pedophilia? Unless it was all a bluff because he blocked me after sending me two messages on my youtube wall but I deleted them because I didn’t want a sicko on my page. Plus I wonder where he got the idea I was working in a school as a janitor? I never worked at a school so either he was lying or the guy who made the youtube video was mistaking and told him but I always wonder where people get false information about me. I just find it amusing.

Now to hope another sicko aspie out there gets caught. He is also a pedo and has been banned on autism forums before because of it. He has acted on it online and he likes to pray on aspies and auties, including the underage. He will ask to see their penis or to hear them pee and other private parts. He is also infamous in the community. I was also his online friend and I had no idea he was like this until I heard from others and I was shocked he would ask under age kids, I was 17 when he asked to see my boobs and to hear me pee and stuff but I never thought he would ask anyone younger than that. Then he quit doing that stuff to me because he didn’t want to upset me so I thought he didn’t do it to others until I heard about it in 2007 on Zomgaspies (defunct but reopened, not sure if it’s still around) and then in 2010 I heard he did it to people young as 11 on Aspergic (now defunct). I did do something stupid about it in 2010 and someone else on Hikiculture wanted to out him and we all thought he should but I didn’t know then it was a bad idea so me and him would posting information about him on every aspie forum we are on and including Yahoo Answers and I also went on the Delphi forums and got banned from there. I didn’t go to that website anyway so I didn’t care if I was banned from it. But the admin from Hikiculture got his facebook account suspended because of it, he posted the stuff there about him. People saw it and thought we were prying on him because of his AS when in fact it was because he was a pedophile and his condition had nothing to do with it. I think I have said before on this blog, if someone has a disability, people automatically assume you’re doing it to them because of it. But yeah it was a dumb move because we really had no proof except hearsay and people would just think we were slandering someone because they don’t know the whole story and don’t know the person and have never been his victim and also the fact the guy could cover his tracks after seeing it being posted. But it was a dumb move on our part. I also didn’t have proof on Stephen Gandy when I outed him as a pedophile on a forum when someone asked about his youtube name wondering who he was because he tried to add him as a friend on there. I replied saying he was a pedophile and said what he told me about when we used to chat. I then wished I kept my mouth shut about it. But I am glad he got caught and now there is an article about it online and that is my proof now if anyone tries to say I am lying because they believe him instead. The same person who asked on a forum who he was, outed me on a new autism forum telling me I was right about him. Duh, I wouldn’t lie. I don’t know if he thought I was lying or not or was skeptical about my claim.