Wow, I am lucky

I was reading stuff online about Onlyfans and I am finding out sex workers get their accounts terminated on Onlyfans. I am wondering if that is what they saw me as. They don’t even state in their TOS, no sex work. But what exactly is sex work? I would think it’s two people doing sex. I never put any of that on my page because I never felt comfortable about it. Maybe they saw diaper changes as sex work, maybe they saw nudity as sex work, maybe they saw me using a vibrator as sex work. I have gotten some requests by my followers asking me to do certain things and I never felt comfortable with it because it’s out of my fetish. Sure I have asked for any video ideas and ideas I would get was out of my league. I wonder if masturbating is sex work.

But anyway I have migrated to another platform. I am going to try it out. I don’t like having more than one account that gets you paid for content because it would be too much for me. I get some people do it for a living but not me. I don’t have time for this full time. I see it as a gig and you need a survival job. Never rely on platforms for your income because they can terminate you any time and always withdraw when you read the minimum amount. You never know if some troll will report you for a BS reason.

I am hearing that people lost out of thousands of dollars and even hundreds by Onlyfans. Their accounts got terminated randomly but at least they got an email about it, I didn’t. I had to contact them and they told me but then haven’t responded to my other emails. I withdrew all $355 that was ready and good thing I did that or I would have lost that money. It went into my bank account and my husband moved it into savings so it won’t get spent accidentally. Then about five days later, my account got terminated. So I am considering myself lucky but I am not touching that money because I never know what can happen. I could get a letter saying I need to pay that money and if I ignore it, my credit will go bad. I am hearing subscribers get refunded when they kill your account. I never heard anything about that in my email.

Another lucky thing about me, I once waited till I had $500 before I cashed out because I had been too lazy to even withdraw the money. It took me about a year to earn that much so I finally did a cash out and then again three months later when I reached that much when I started to do videos. Then I cashed out again when I got to $300 and it was as if my brain was telling me something bad is going to happen so you better withdraw it now. I originally did that when I was paying my credit card and I used the cash I had from Onlyfans I kept in my room. This was before I knew we had an extra savings account that our bank never closed when my husband requested it to be closed. So I was lucky to still get my money despite not cashing out. Now I am going to cash out every time I reach minimum amount in case my account closes randomly. I did the same in Paypal too when someone paid me for my used diapers and photos of them too, always withdraw the money and then send them so that person can’t do a charge back to their account. I have heard of people doing that so the seller ends up not getting their money and I can’t trust people so I withdrew money on paypal. I wonder if that would be considered sex work by them?

I’ve had people ask me if I had any pictures they would buy that I posted online and would pay me $25 but sadly I never kept my photos and I delete them. I also gotten if I sell videos and that is how I got into Onlyfans. If a few people were having the balls to ask, it made me think there are other people out there that are willing to buy this stuff and want me to sell content. So that is what got me started. Plus getting an email one time asking if I had any premium than this blog and I started my onlyfans page.

But my biggest fear was being accused of being a scammer if my content wasn’t good enough or they felt it was too original so I made my page $4.99 a month. If people paid low money for it, they couldn’t be disappointed and call me a scammer if they didn’t like my page. Plus I would have less pressure and not be stressed out having to keep doing content if I did a high price. Only 5 bucks. People can subscribe to see my content and unsubscribe and they see it for 30 days until their subscription expired. I still got messages sometimes saying how they like my content so that made me feel happy to know people were enjoying it and it built my confidence.

One of my other fears is disappointing people and thinking I am not good enough and that I had scammed them because they didn’t like it.

I still don’t know how my account closed since they are a small business it looks like. I googled their address and they are in some small building in London. I was with them for almost 2 years so either someone reported my account or they were just too lazy to monitor all accounts so they rely on reports. Or maybe me contacting them about me having problems with uploading images and them not being upright made them look at my account and maybe they didn’t like it so they closed it and no email was sent about it. This happened right after my response to the email about photo uploads. Maybe if I had used a different email address this wouldn’t have happened.

But I am lucky I got my money before my account was randomly closed and I am lucky I lost only $100. Now I wonder if my subscribers are getting refunded that was left in my account. But it’s weird how they processed my funds and never terminated me before. You would think they check out every page when they withdraw amount. That is why I think someone had reported my page and specifically targeted me or other ABDL pages would have been shut down as well. My husband says someone probably got jealous because I am pretty and I said “how would they know, they never saw my face” and he said “you have a good body” and I said “so do other ABDLs, why not report their accounts too?” Then I said I think I was just targeted because my page was booming and I have a disability. He said how would they even know that and I said it’s pretty obvious online if I have been called slow and them saying I am on the slow side and that I am close to being retarded. Then I asked him remember how he felt when his Twitter account got suspended, he thought it was because of his disability and he said it was because he can’t spell well so he wrote firing squad because he couldn’t write capital punishment so he picked that word because it’s what he can spell and it got seen as harassment. I told him it was probably considered a death threat because if you post any memes or images of any deaths or guns and stuff, if can be seen as a death threat so don’t do it.

My husband thinks those people only said those things to me just to be mean and I told him normal people don’t get called that stuff.

It’s been a few days now and I still haven’t heard back and I can’t get the site to load and all pages say “coming soon” but yet the site works fine on my phone so I am going to assume they have my IP address blocked. I have no idea what I did wrong to make them hate me so much and this is all very strange. I have found other platforms and I read one of their Terms of Services and once I got to they didn’t allow age play, urine, poop, I clicked back knowing they would not accept ABDL content and took that website off my list. I also found another one that will be coming soon that seems to be a spin off from Onlyfans and I noticed their TOS was a copy pasta from it but this time they are from out of Las Vegas than in London, UK. I am thinking about going there but sent them a message on Twitter asking what do they consider obscene. They haven’t responded yet but I will email them if I don’t hear from them within 24 hrs. I am going to wait and see if it’s legit first. It could be possible they don’t even visit their Twitter page so email is best.

Also here are the lessons here I learn, I maybe should’t talk about how much I got from my content because maybe just maybe that is what got my page shut down because I got someone jealous and this is why people don’t like to talk about their income because they don’t want to make themselves a target for harassment and false reports and losing their accounts unfairly. Even mentioning how I earned enough for a phone finally is indicating how much I get for my content.

Hopefully I still start getting money for my content again.

But what makes me lucky I am saying, I didn’t lose out of thousands of dollars like some other people did and I got my money withdrawn before it even happened and it was processed so I only lost around $100 and this will ever be the last time I ever mention how much money I make for my future content and if my videos sell online. I don’t wanna make myself a target for silent harassment. Someone may have won the first time.

I can be dumb sometimes because of my own naivete and I don’t know what I am setting myself up for.

Just imagine if all my supporters flooded their email about my unfair termination, I wonder if they would give in or if they would think I created all these proxy IPs and different emails to contact them lol.

I would not recommend using this site anymore but if you want to use it, always withdraw your money when you reach minimum amount, consider other places to go to if your account is randomly shut down, no email, nothing about anything you did. Clearly they will just randomly reject people and not even send you an email unless you reach out to them and they will say they are not able to assist you right now. Then you never heard back from them ever again so clearly they do not care about false reports or care about their customers or else they would let you appeal and let you take down anything they thought was a violation of their TOS. Some people say they are scammers. That is because they randomly shut down their account and took their money they earned. Or they withdrew their money and bam account was closed and money never got processed into their bank account. Why mine got processed and put into my bank and then terminated a few days later is very strange so I am thinking someone reported me and did a false report and Onlyfans is too lazy to even bother or care. They will just blindly believe anyone and shut you down and they say in their TOS you agree you won’t slander them, fuck that shit, since I am no longer with them and they won’t respond to my emails, it doesn’t even matter if I am not welcome there. I lose respect for anyone when I get treated unfairly so I will speak my mind about how I feel about all this. Plus if they won’t even bother telling me what I exactly did and what I exactly violated, they shouldn’t be surprised when people say stuff about them. Them failing to tell me tells me this is over something BS and they just shut down accounts randomly and they don’t really care for the truth and facts.

I was reading a thread on raisedbynarcissists on Reddit and it reminded me of a story about Jerry that has something to do with ABDL slightly.

I remember the day when Jerry kept telling me how stupid he is. I kept telling him he was not because I didn’t think he was. He knew how to fix cars, he could drive, he worked, he had a good sense of direction and had a GPS in his head because he once worked as a delivery driver and he remembered lot of stuff and told good stories about when he was still with his ex. But no he kept insisting he was stupid. I kept saying he was not and the more he kept on saying it, I realized he was stupid in one area. ABDL because he kept comparing AB to pedophilia so I finally agreed with him and told him he is stupid about ABDL because he won’t listen to me about it when I try to educate him about it and he keeps thinking adult babies are real babies and calling people who love them as a pedophile. There came the tears and he started to sob. I was “self centered” and I had made him cry. It was my fault for what I did. He laid on his bed and cried and cried. Now I had to try and find a way to make him feel better so I told him everyone is stupid. We’re all stupid in certain subjects. Not all of us want to listen and learn things and understand so we’re stupid there. We’re all stupid. Smart people can be stupid, smoking is stupid and smart people still do it, smart people still do drugs. We’re all stupid. I also laid on top of him to try and make him feel better.

After knowing for a year now he is a narcissist, I wonder if this was manipulation he was doing. Those fake tears, trying to fish for a compliment and it backfired so next came the crying. I don’t know if I gave him what he wanted but he was all of a sudden better and the tears were gone. I realize this is not “normal” behavior and “normal” people don’t do this. “Normal” people wouldn’t keep on putting themselves down and keep on doing it after being told what they think of themselves isn’t true and then finally crying when the person does finally agree with them. I even told him he was the one who kept saying he was stupid after I told him he was not so he pushed me to say he is stupid. Then he said “you were supposed to say “No you are not stupid.” Oh so because I wasn’t saying those exact lines, he kept on pushing it and then he cried when he didn’t hear that line and because he didn’t get that line from me, I was “self centered” and he blamed it on my diagnoses. Then the whole thing was over. But he never did this scheme again.

But this sort of thing is very familiar I read in raisedbynarcissists. It’s as if the N tries to egg their victim to tell them something they don’t want to hear or trick them to say it so when the victim does have the balls to say it, the N blames it on them. It was as if my ex was trying to egg me to tell him he is dumb and then there comes the crocodile tears while in the other stories I read, it’s the gas lighting and the blame being put on the victim and the N going into rage while my ex did it in a covert way I had started to think there was something wrong with me and I could never do anything right. But I say when my nex did this to me, it backfired so he never did this again. I instead put the blame on him. I unintentionally played his game and because I did, it was the “Asperger’s” that did it and I was “self centered.”

And people sometimes ask me how did I even get into a relationship with this guy. I know they don’t mean it literally, they are just saying why was I with him if he was a jerk. That is a very difficult question to answer, it’s difficult for anyone to answer.

But in the thread it was pretty hilarious when the OP wrote that her Nmom told her she had abused her as a baby too, she was crying all the time and my reaction was “just when did it become parental abuse to cry?” being sarcastic of course and then I said anyone who thinks that is abusive is mental. I don’t say my kids abuse me just because my son liked to smear feces on walls as a two year old and now my daughter likes playing with her poop and getting it on herself and she got it on her toy piano and her bedroom door yesterday and I don’t say my kids are abusing me by being loud and rowdy and my son riling my daughter up with his hyperactivity. I know they are not doing it to torment me. They’re kids. I have them outside right now playing while I sit on the porch typing this. But sometimes I do find humor in these narc stories. The victims find humor too also. Sometimes you have to find humor in a abusive situation to make a light of it. I do now look at my ex as having a temper tantrum when we were together. Him calling me self centered, him getting upset with me and mad at me and crying, all him throwing a tantrum just like a young child. Even one aspie told me on ADISC he thinks my ex was just using his emotions as an excuse to get his way so it’s not that he was over sensitive. Back then I just saw it as his opinion and now I think he is right. The Nmom in the OP’s thread had asked her if she ever made any mistakes in her parenting and the OP dared to say yes and bam the mother accuses her of arguing with her and telling her to quit blaming her and she did nothing wrong and that she abused her as a baby because she was crying all the time and she doesn’t complain. Then some people share their stories and it felt familiar to this I went through when my ex wouldn’t quit telling me how stupid he is.

Lesson my ex taught me

So I still go back and forth sometimes about rather Jerry was a narcissist or not.

There was one thing I remember that makes me go thinking maybe he wasn’t one was I was an AB and he was only a DL but he hated ABs and thought they were all pedophiles and sickos. I naively thought he would change his mind once I educate him and show him. I wanted to be accepted by him so I “shoved it in his face” he called it. I would keep trying to tell him about it, I even used my baby things in front of him to show him how adult babies are still adults, not real children and they are not retarded (pardon the slur word because I am not fond of political correctness and even Temple Grandin still uses the word in her books, mentally retarded). But he called it a game and said I did it to piss him off so I did it for real just to drive him crazy because he was a bigot and narrow minded and willful ignorant and I don’t like willful ignorance. I just wouldn’t give up trying to educate him but I am sorry but you can’t educate stupid. If people don’t want to open their minds and listen and learn, you can’t make them. So I was the one being closed minded because I was not accepting that he was not into it and not comfortable with it. But I realize it was the way he handled it because he judged us and made fun of me about it and used it against me, not because he wasn’t comfortable with it or wasn’t interested.

Then I remember the other shit he has done so it makes me realize ABDL did not cause this nor was it my fault because if it wasn’t ABDL, he would have still found something else to abuse me about. If it was only this he did and not the other shit he has done which I have blogged about already, then I would think he was not a narcissistic but because he did the other stuff, I go back to thinking “yep he is one.” Remember, his ex did leave him and she wouldn’t even let her children talk to him or even let her daughters see him and she would always have to meet us in the parking lot when we would get his son and to drop him off. She also came with her boyfriend always. Gee, why is this? This should also tell me something. there is probably something about him I don’t know about.  Also she would always threaten to leave him and take their son with, also she claimed her son wasn’t his so he had to go get a copy of his son’s birth certificate to prove it. Mmm why, maybe because she wanted him to stop abusing her so she used their son to threaten to leave him and to take him with, maybe she claimed he wasn’t his because she didn’t want him in her life and when you have kids together, you have to still see the kid’s parent unfortunately and still deal with them until the day they turn eighteen or leave high school, maybe after too because there might be adult kid issues they would have to deal with together. But if your partner is abusive, you might do anything to try and get the kid’s parent out of your life and some other parents keep the parent in their kid’s life. My brother’s girlfriend is a bitch because there are things she has done that is mean and she lies to her children about us but my brother never alienated her from their kids because he thinks his kids have a right to their mother and to keep his and her issues separate from them. She is only nice when she wants something and she puts on a nice act for everyone so she seems nice when you know her. But anyway Jerry’s ex finally grew a bone and took their kid and left him with her daughters. But I will never know for sure if the stories he told me about her were lies. But the way he treated me does make me wonder how he treated his ex and if that is why she left him.

But the lesson I learned here is if someone doesn’t understand AB/DL and they are ignorant about it and associate it with kids or feel like they are with a child, and think it’s pedophilia or think you are sexually attracted to kids, run. Do not stay and try and educate them because you will be hurt at the end and might have resentment. If they do not accept it so they want you to do it in private, run. That can still cause damage at the end and resentment and hurt feelings because you felt you were not accepted. This is what Jerry had taught me so I always tell other ABDLs to run when they write about their partner not understanding their fetish or their needs for it.

But Jerry was a narcissist so I have no idea how a none narc acts about all this when they also don’t understand it or feel uncomfortable with it and not want it around them. But that is the only image that comes to mind when I read their posts about it so my knee jerk reaction is run, leave, run for your life.

My unhealthy obsession

Ever since I came across Lucky Otter’s Heaven I have been obsessing about narcissism and the more I keep reading about it, the more it sounds like Jerry. I have even joined Narcissistic Abuse subreddit on Reddit so I can read stories there and learn more about it. I have also been learning about narcissism also being a spectrum and that there are subtypes of it. Not every one is the same with it and I learned that not all of them have high self esteem and think highly of themselves they can also have low self esteem and not like themselves and not all of them boast about themselves and exaggerate their achievements.
Part of me enjoys reading about all this because it’s very interesting and it makes me feel better about myself because it would mean I was not stupid and I am not alone and the other part of me says this is all pointless because I am not even with him and whatever he did in the past is irrelevant because it’s in the past and it’s not going to change anything. Rather he was a narcissist or not is irrelevant. I think majority of the time I am online, I am reading about narcissism. I guess I found a new special interest.

I am realizing he may have been a convert narcissist. That is what Lauren Bennett told me on her Lucky Otter’s Heaven blog. I decided to look it up and found an article and it is almost describing him.

http://narcissisticbehavior.net/revealing-the-two-faces-of-narcissism-overt-and-covert-narcissism/

The shy covert form of narcissism is the form that describes Adam best as it is characterized by unfulfilled expectations, and a vulnerability to stress.

He was shy and he always felt alone in the room with other people and he had social anxiety. He also had anxiety and seemed to get it easily so I would say that is stress there he got. He also had expectations that were impossible to meet. He wanted a certain lifestyle but couldn’t have it so he was depressed about it and had low self esteem, nothing seemed to be good enough.

The attribution style of the covert narcissist is also preoccupied with grandiose fantasies, where he is at the centre of his world.

Yes he had dreams but doesn’t everyone and he also had fantasies but doesn’t everyone? But when he would express his, he would act like it will happen and that’s real and he didn’t seem organized. One time while we were delivering papers, we drive by a school with kids outside playing for recess and he says “That is where Junior will go to school when we find a place up here to live” and another time we looked at an apartment in another area and he had me write a check to reserve a apartment unit and we had a few days to change our minds to get my money back and he didn’t even think this all through and he could never seem to know what he wanted in life. It was all fantasies he had and would try and act on them and he obviously didn’t have any money but he always made me think it will happen. So we look at this nice two bedroom apartment and they had yoga classes, exercise room, swimming pool, garages, and it was expensive rent and he was planning on moving in there but it never happened so on the last day of us deciding if we want to live there or not, I call the number and tell the landlord we wouldn’t be moving in and she voids the check. I did this because I didn’t want to lose my money and my ex did a good job with procrastination and he would say he would do things and not ever do them. I felt proud of myself than sitting back and waiting to hear his response and then I lose my money. Another time we were going to take a trip back to Montana to get my stuff and I knew there was no way he could possibly do it due to no money and how disorganized he is and he said at the last minute we couldn’t go and I wasn’t upset because I knew. He also talked about having his ex girlfriend’s daughters living with him when he gets custody of his son and talking about living together and he made it sound like it was all real. He also fought an fought to get custody of his son and there was very little chance he would ever get it because he couldn’t even support himself and he couldn’t afford childcare and he took his kid to work with him and a judge would not grant custody to the dad and have them get food stamps and child support and also the fact women are more likely to get custody and he never gave up but he never got custody. I also remember when he bought these nice furniture and put it on a payment plan and he couldn’t even afford it and he had it in storage. I have no idea if he lost them or had to cancel them because we were no longer together. But I do know he has lost everything twice from looking on her Facebook (she transitioned remember).

He is plagued by feelings of unworthiness and shame as he is unable to attain his goals, but he keeps that fact hidden.

This sounds about right. He didn’t seem to ever meet his goals and he did keep it hidden by acting like it will happen. He had shame I would say because he hated his lifestyle and how he is.

Because of his fear of exposure he is unlikely to seek out appropriate friends, but is more likely to surround himself with inferior types.

He didn’t like me talking to my parents on the phone and always had to know everything I said and he had a very private life and didn’t want people knowing a lot about him. This raised red flags for my parents. He also did not have friends his age and he told me he preferred teens and young women and I am vulnerable and he may view women as inferior and my mom thinks he hated women and had no respect for them. Of course I disagreed with that and said he didn’t hate women but what if she was right? I wonder if my mom has ever known a narcissistic in her life to make her say these things and not believe his “oh poor me” stories and she viewed him as crazy. I wonder if she was ever in any abusive relationships, she has told me she has known some crazy guys before meeting my dad and said it was normal I met two crazy guys because she has known some too.

He will admire people who have high accomplishments; however he will secretly envy them, and hold strong feelings of resentment.

Yes totally him. He seemed to be happy for people with great things and then talk negative about it. he seemed happy for my parents and me for what they did for me and then he seemed critical about it.

He is more likely to hide himself away, and get little credit for his achievements.

He was a very private person and nothing was ever good enough for him.

He has a marked propensity towards feeling ashamed.

I think he was a shamed of himself.

He is on a relentless search for glory and power (often through his children or other family members), and is very sensitive to criticism and failure.

Ah yes, he was very sensitive to criticism and he didn’t feel good about himself because his life was a failure to him so he was not happy about himself and was ashamed of it.

He has an inability to depend or trust on others, and shows irreverence towards authority.

He had trust issues and didn’t want me talking to other guys online unless they had Asperger’s and I refused to dump all my online friends just because they were the wrong gender for him. He also didn’t like me talking to my parent son the phone and he has always been his own boss because he had always been a manager. How many times have I seen people mentioning online about how their bosses are narcissists? He was his own authority so he had control and could do things his way. He considered himself a hard cold boss and people always liked it which is why he always got hired and he blamed it on Black and white thinking which is the reason why I despise black and white thinkers and always find it offensive when they make it a autistic trait because they are basically saying we are cold hearted and judgmental and don’t give a shit about others and will not listen. Black and white thinking is also part of narcissism.

The covert form of narcissism is reflected as hypersensitivity. However, it seems that the covert narcissist fits into everyday society better than the overt variety.

Yes he was very sensitive and cried easily and anything hurt his feelings so I always had to keep thing bottled up, watch what I say and how I say it and he did fit into society. If you were to meet him, he would be a very nice guy and talk easily to you and be happy and you wouldn’t even notice he is an abuser. He seemed to get along well with people because I saw how he talked to everyone and got along and he didn’t seem to have enemies. He had no problem getting a job either and would be hired on the spot according to him.

Whereas when Covert, (Narcissistic Vulnerability-Sensitivity) it is marked by largely unconscious feelings of grandeur and openly displayed lack of self-confidence and initiative, vague feelings of depression, and an absence of zest for work (narcissistic deficiency). The difficulties associated with covert narcissism is that it includes anxiety and pessimism, lack of fulfillment, and vulnerability to life’s traumas, and is also associated with introversion, hypersensitivity, defensiveness, anxiety, and vulnerability. However, both distinct forms of narcissism are associated with psychological problems and difficulties in effective functioning, and both share common narcissistic characteristics such as conceit, self-indulgence, and disregard for the needs of others.

Depression, low self esteem, anxiety, bad self confidence, he had traumas, he was defensive, hypersensitive, he seemed introverted because he didn’t have friends except for lot of acquiescence and he had online friends. I think he had mental issues. My mother thinks he is beyond help when I said I think he had issues he needed to sort out first before entering a relationship. I was told on Wrongplanet by someone that personality disorders are tough to treat because it’s something so normal and natural. I wonder if my mom thinks my ex could have had some problem with his personality which would be why she said he was beyond help because personality disorders are tough to treat.

Another thing I have learned about narcissism is some of them will use their emotions and cry to get their way. They will have crocodile tears. I have no idea if my ex faked his or not but he did cry often. He was very sensitive and would cry. I was on ADISC and an aspie posted on there asking about why being sensitive is so bad and why do people have a problem with it. I told him about my ex and how toxic sensitive people are and he told me it sounded like my ex used his emotions as an excuse whenever he didn’t get his way. That was an eye opener about how wrong I was about sensitive people and my ex was not one of them. He was a manipulator who let himself cry so it was like a tantrum. Then I learned this is a characteristic of convert narcissism. They will cry to get their way, get empathy from you and make you feel guilty. It’s all about them, they never cry for you or anyone else, only for themselves. My ex did cry for himself.

I used to think he was this way because he overcompensated. He didn’t accept himself, he had low self esteem, was jealous so he had to put others down, and he was just a negative person. Now I am realizing these may have been characteristics of narcissism because of the way he handled it. I still wonder if one can stop being a narcissistic. Sometimes I see people say how they can help it and that it’s a choice but I say if this was a choice and they could help it, then wouldn’t they just stop it? Why would this even be a disorder if this was a choice? I don’t think they do it on purpose because they really can’t help it or else it wouldn’t be a disorder at all. Unless they mean people who don’t have NPD but are still a narc but they don’t have the disorder. I think my mom’s oldest sister is one based on the stories my mom has told me about her and she agrees she is one but she does’t have NPD, she is just a narc but doesn’t not have the personality disorder.

But anyway realizing my ex may have been a narc tells me my experience with someone with low self esteem, being very sensitive, especially to criticism, was not accurate at all for how people are with it because he was a narc. Even being in a relationship with someone who claimed to have Asperger’s but yet their honesty always hurt you and they had to tell their kid everything about you, sensitive to criticism, their black and white thinking, their lack of empathy, etc. and then realizing they may have had narcissism would also tell you this is not a typical relationship with a person who is on the autistic spectrum so that would be a relief because it would mean we are not toxic people and that we will abuse you and hurt you emotionallyand bring down your self esteem because that was narcissism they did. But sadly the women at *AssPartners (that is what I call the Delphi forums) don’t give a darn and they don’t care what their partner has but yet they would rather use autism as a scapegoat for their partner’s abuse and get offended if you tell them it was not autism and that is narcissism. You would think they would be relieved after hearing that news like I was about my ex using his emotions as an excuse to get his way? But noooo.

http://sparkster.hubpages.com/hub/The-Covert-Narcissist

This is supposedly the worst narcissism there is and the toughest to spot but my parents spotted him and saw right through him and believed my stories. From what I have been reading about it, they are so hidden, others won’t see it but you. Like I wrote about my ex, if you met him then, you would think he is a nice guy. When I was with him, I did not see any abuse so I thought my parents were crazy for even thinking I was being abused and I said to my mother ‘No mom he never hit me or called me any names’ and I thought they were being judgmental about him and didn’t understand him but it turns out they were correct and they saw right through him. I wonder if this is why he was always so worried what people thought of him so instead of trying to figure out what makes them think negative things about him and change that about himself, he had anxiety about it instead and worried and didn’t want me talking to my parents. He never told me I couldn’t talk to them nor did he ever stop me, he would just get upset and had to hear our conversation so I would only call them when he was at work or when he was inside a store or something and I also used to take a step outside just to talk. He never followed me. I would get off the phone when I would see him coming. He was also vulnerable to stress and he was always worried like the articles say about it.

Wouldn’t it be ironic if his own ex was a narc? Just something in the articles jumped out at me when I read it and I am basing it on the stories my ex told me about her when we were together.

My ex also blamed him being hyper sensitive and taking things the wrong way I say on his social issues. I even wonder if he used Asperger’s for his behavior and hid behind the label. I am even thinking what if all his traits were actually narc traits. What if he had just made the whole thing up? Sure he had above normal hearing but I have met **allistic people with that good of hearing too. But he told his son about it and everyone else and she had it on her Facebook wall too but she mostly talked about her multiple scoliosis. But narcs can use labels right to hide behind it so they can continue their behaviors and use the label for it to make themselves look innocent because Asperger’s is better than being a narc. But one can have both I believe. We are not immune to it. Even when we were together and after we had broken up, I felt he used it as an excuse because instead of trying to improve things, he did nothing. He discovered it, read about it, decided it fit him and that explained his behavior and then that was it. Didn’t decide what he can do to improve like most aspies would. I am not saying that there are none that use theirs as an excuse because I have seen that a lot online too but they could be the minority of the autistic population. He always told me how he wasn’t normal and how he wanted to be normal but yet he wasn’t doing anything to be normal. I wished I had said something about it but didn’t because I thought it would be like telling a bling person they can work on seeing now that they know they are blind. Actually that is possible, they have surgeries for it just like I could get a laser eye surgery so I wouldn’t need glasses anymore. I used to be deaf and then I had tubes put in but I was under two years of age when it happened. I had middle ear fluid so that made me deaf so it got fixed but it took my mom awhile to work on me hearing again and that was her trying to find doctors to listen to her and having to find a doctor on her own because no one would give her a referral. Back then we didn’t have internet like we do now so she couldn’t go online and look for a doctor in the area that specialized in ears. She also couldn’t go on and ask online about referrals and where to go like parents do now with their special needs kids or when they are sick. I have seen aspies get better too me included and in Parenthood Hank finds out he had it and he starts working on being a better person through help with his therapist such as being better at empathy and showing better care for others and being more sensitive and my ex didn’t do that. I would like to think it was because he probably didn’t know how to do it and also he couldn’t afford therapy and had no health insurance. But yet he could have used his grandparents money to pay for therapy.

Also this stuck out for me too:

http://sparkster.hubpages.com/hub/Recognizing-The-Narcissist

Narcissists will put down and insult the people around them, including family members, in private to their partner. This seems like they are putting others down while putting themselves up on a pedestal in order to make themselves feel better than everyone else.

My ex did all of this, put my family down to me, said they spoiled me and let me get away with things based on my diagnoses, thought it was wrong for them to not humiliate me whenever I did a social blunder or did a mistake and told me how bad my self help skills were and how low functioning I am. He also said how my parents don’t want me to feel bad so they will say how mild I am and that I am no that bad off. I am embarrassed to say I believed him so I thought i was worse off than I rally was, handicapped and disabled. I was brainwashed and felt confused so I made tons of posts about it online and I was accused of seeking attention and faking it but what they didn’t know was that I was a victim of emotional abuse and gaslighting so I was being told these things and believing it. There is a saying my mom told me about, “if you hear a lie, it becomes true.” The first negative thing my ex ever told me was when we were going down to California to get his son because he had visitation rights with him for one week because it was Christmas vacation for him, he told me “I think you have some low functioning autism in you” and I said “what? why do you say that?” and he told me how I don’t get things and I am slow at understanding so I ask lot of questions. I noticed online how other autistic people seemed to get things quicker than me so maybe it was true and I was mixed perhaps. After all I had always felt slow and stupid even my report cards are bad everything needed improvement and I had C’s or B’s and I didn’t like the comments either teacher’s wrote like how I don’t follow the rules and another I remember is difficulty with change and aspies are very smart and get good grades and are advanced in knowledge and language and I wasn’t. After all he was just being honest and he wouldn’t hurt me because he really liked me and was crazy over me. Little did I know this was the beginning of his negativity towards me and it would get worse and worse before he is saying I am like a five year old and using it against me. I will not let anyone do this to me again and not listen to them if they try to say how low functioning I am and do any armchair diagnosis. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

Sadly these things are common in abusive relationships and it may not be about being told about how bad you are with your disability, it can be about other things which is one of the reasons why women stay because they believe they are not good enough and no other man would want them and they are lucky their partner tolerates them and puts up with it because they love them.

*ASPartners is the actual name of the forum.
**Another term for normie, a person who doesn’t have autism

Narcissistic love.

I found this link here:

http://thehappysensitive.com/narcissistic-love-versus-unconditional-love/

It talks about how we love our appliances and we get mad and frustrated when they don’t do what we want it to do. I get frustrated with my ow computer when it acts slow. It will freeze and act funny and then certain webpages will freeze and that makes me frustrated so I have to be patient. Some people have a temper and will curse and swear at it and talk to it like it can hear you and I remember my English teacher saying in high school that sometimes computers like to give you a hard time by freezing just to make you mad. They have a mind of its own. I used to joke about my first computer having Asperger’s because every time it did a Windows update, the computer would act funny and it did not adjust well to the change. So I turned off the update because I hated what it would do to my computer and then I would have to wait for it to adjust before it runs right again.

With narcissists, people are like appliances. They want us to do things they want us to do and they get frustrated when we don’t do what they like. When I was reading the article, it made me think of my ex again. I don’t know if he had NPD so I like to say he had narcissistic behavior and acted like one or say he had tenancies. I think it was due to him over compensating so it made him behave like one and he didn’t like himself so he may not have been a bad person.

In my relationship with Jerry, I felt like I had to be a certain way or else he would ignore me. He never made me be a certain way and he made it clear to me he didn’t want me to change because he did’t want to be a control freak. I felt I had to try and no matter what I did was never good enough to satisfy him to make him feel he was with an adult instead of with a baby or a five year old or with an eight year old. I feel he threw me out of his life like I was a disposable and it made me think of the analogy about when our appliances break down. When an appliance quits working, what do we do about it? We throw it out or put it away and ignore it like we don’t have it anymore. We have our broken DVD/VCR combo player and the motherboard in it fried so now it won’t play VHS movies because it runs slow and I tried to toss it out but we can’t toss it out, it has to be recycled and I don’t know where to recycle appliances so it’s still sitting in the garage. I thought about narcissism, when a partner is useless to them because they are not doing what they want them to do, they all of a sudden ignore them, go silent on them, they don’t bother to break up, they just disappear and ignore you because you are useless to them. That is what my ex did. He ghosted. I would like to think he went silent on me because he thought breaking up with me would hurt my feelings and he didn’t want to hut my feelings so he thought ghosting was the better answer, I also like to think that maybe he was feeling bad for how he treated me and he kept hurting me and confusing me and he didn’t want that so he decided to quit talking to me. But he never apologized so that makes me think “neah that couldn’t be but it is a pipe dream there.” Also the fact he messaged me online about my new boyfriend and saying how he hopes thinks work out for me and then messaging me again months later asking if I am still with the boyfriend and we talk for two minutes and never again do I hear form him. I always found that odd. Maybe he wanted to see if I was working right and I still wasn’t so he decided to leave me in the trash and while he was ignoring me, I was just kept out in the garage like we have with our VCR/DVD combo player because we have no idea what to do with it. He probably didn’t know what to do about me so he had me in the garage. It was very confusing how he treated me and I will never understand it all and I don’t think I will ever understand his idea behind it and his intention.

Could Jerry have been a narcissistic due to him not liking himself and over compensating? Can one stop being a narcissistic after getting their issues resolved? Can a narc still be a good person despite having it?

“I thought it was my autism.”

I was at my group today and the topic was about being overwhelmed. This woman in our group who was new there today was talking about some therapy she takes for her head injury and I asked her how did she get it and she said “Domestic violence” and my eyes widened and I said “whoa” and she said “from my ex husband” and I said “You must be a single mom” and she said “I am.” Then I asked her when did she leave him and she said 2007 and I asked how long they were together and she said eight years. then the topic was about abuse and she said she had a confidential address and I asked what was wrong with her husband and if he had any diagnoses and she said he was diagnosed with borderline, narcissism, and antisocial” and I said “he was a sociopath” and she said he was. She mentioned he was high functioning so he was nice and charming and I talk about how there are red flags that lot of women miss and she mentioned she thought it was her autism that made her miss them after I mentioned how I sometimes go online read about abuse and I don’t feel alone and I feel better about myself and lot of women missed these signs too. I mentioned one thing a abuser does to lure their victim is they will be crazy over you, they will be clingy and will always think about you and always want to be around you and not want you to go to work or go home and they will also pay for everything and shower you with gifts and everything and I also thought it was my autism that made me miss the signs but I realized lot of women miss them so it’s not an autism thing. Then she said how her ex will say he has great empathy so she is realizing it might not be her autism because he is tricking lot of people by misrepresenting himself. He is nice out in public and he works as some counselor for jail. I also mentioned sometimes abusers will play the “oh poor me” and act like the victims and act like their victim was the abuser. I also thought about my ex and told the people at the table some about him but he never beat me or called me names or threatened me or broken anything or thrown things and he didn’t like violence himself. I mentioned he was just controlling and he ignored me after we were together and then it felt like I was single because he never answered his email or phone or IMs. That is something abusers also do. It was an interesting topic and I am glad she got out of there. I didn’t ask how he abused her or what took her so long to leave because it’s a sensitive topic and lot of people don’t like to think about it and remember it. I read abuse stories online sometimes and feel lucky because mine didn’t last long with him and also his abuse wasn’t bad because others had it worse and their partners acted worse. maybe mine would have gotten worse too if I stayed and thanks to him ignoring me, he lost me. I would have left him anyway if he didn’t ignore me and he wasn’t the kind of guy to make his victim stay. If you wanted to leave, leave, he didn’t care. I was like a disposable to him. There are other women out there he could find. Someone replied to my comment in LuckyOtter’s Heaven saying if I didn’t care about the guy, his silent treatment was useless. Then she gave me her interesting perspective that it sounded like my ex ignored me and then contacted me to make me think he didn’t care. If he cared, he wouldn’t have contacted me but it was just her opinion based on what I wrote.

Now I wonder if he contacted me around Thanksgiving of 2007 to see if I was still single and I was not because he maybe thought I got a new boyfriend to play a game with him but saw I was still with the new boyfriend. i never heard from him again. But he was also confusing because of things he said like how he didn’t want to be controlling so he didn’t want me doing things because I feel I have to but yet he acted like he wanted me to do things by making me feel bad because he would say I was self centered or get upset with me. Another thing he did was he didn’t care if I wanted to live with my aunt and uncle so he would say “go” whenever I expressed it but yet he would care I got a new partner? He also told me a story about how his ex girlfriend would always threaten to leave him and take their son too from him and he would no longer play that game if I did that to him. I never talked about breaking up with him to make him change and it worked every time when she did it. But I did often feel like moving out and living with my aunt and uncle. Now my rule is if you often feel like leaving your partner, then things are not working out between you two. I wonder if he sent me mixed messages to confuse me so I wouldn’t think he was abusive and controlling. It sure worked which is why I stuck with him. I ignored my feelings and my instincts thinking I was crazy and being too sensitive. I felt stupid for a while and felt it was all my fault and now I am realizing it was not and this happens to many domestic women too. I was just lucky I got out quick and that the abuse wasn’t that bad. I didn’t know then it was an abusive relationship because like most women, I thought abuse was being hit or beaten. Because he wasn’t hitting me or beating me, there was no abuse.

The best daddy I have

It’s father’s Day again. My daddy is very good to me. He accepts me and doesn’t judge me and he isn’t critical.

I can remember when I was in a relationship with Jerry. I felt totally different in it. I had lot of anxiety, depression and I can remember wandering around the mall in Medford, Oregon with his son and him and his son were having fun and bonding and I was there with them but I felt left out and ignored. I just ignored that feeling because it was his child so he was just spending time with him and it was his right. I was also walking like a zombie because I could not show my emotions and happiness or otherwise he will just ignore me and get mad because he found them to be too childish so it made him feel he was with a child than with an adult so he ignored me whenever he felt that way. So to improve things between us, I wouldn’t show my mood. I was more adult that way because I wasn’t acting childish for him. I had no idea how much weight I had on me with him and how much anxiety he was giving me and how much he was dragging me down with my self esteem and making it low and changing my perception of myself. I just assumed I was being needy and I never told him my feelings because I knew he wouldn’t care and there wouldn’t have been a change. I was just accepting him. I also could never say anything right without him adding to what I say (twisting my words and taking things the wrong way) and he was always crying when I would say things. Other times I would not even be aware until he told me.

Then I met my husband and he never judged me or got upset with me for being happy and showing it and he found it all cute. He didn’t mind what shows I watched or what movies and games I had or what I wore or what I had. He even gave me two trash brags of unopened Happy Meal toys because someone he knew was cleaning out their attic or something and she had a bunch of those and was giving stuff away and she was going to get rid of them so she gave them to my husband when he took them. Jerry would have never done a thing like that. It would have bee too childish for him and he wouldn’t support it even though they are collectibles and people do collect those things but he would probably think they’re idiots. He told me people are idiots for wearing childish looking clothes unless they have a disability. Or he would think they were pedophiles because he thought people liking childish things made them pedos and he would even project that thinking on others because he assumed people would think he is if he acted too childish or liked things that were too childish. He was over compensating so he took it out on me.

I also am not ignored after having two kids with him nor do I feel ignored. I bet that was just the beginning when I was with Jerry because he gave us both attention when I was visiting him and we drove to California to get his son and he still talked to me on the phone every night when I went back home to Montana. But in February, it was all different. I am sure it would have kept on being that way if we stayed together and what if he had gotten custody of him, it would still be ignore ignore. I just figured then because he only got to see his kid four times a year, he had to spend as much time with him as possible and I am living with him so he sees me 24/7. Last time I was just visiting to he was doing the same to me, spending much time with me as possible. So I kept that feeling to myself and ignored it thinking I was being too selfish and needy.

I can be myself without feeling punished or that I will upset Daddy or make him mad. I can also talk to him about my feelings and whatever is bothering me and he doesn’t get mad at me for having anxiety like Jerry did. The worst he ever said to me about it was “Sometimes I think you just let yourself have anxiety just to get your way.” Daddy never thought that about me nor ever said it. He knew no one likes having it and no one likes having a meltdown. But he still finds them cute or get turned on because they look like a toddler having a tantrum.

I feel no weight on me either and the day I found out I was no longer in a relationship with Jerry, my whole body felt light. I did not realize how much pressure I had on me. That was how bad the anxiety was. The feeling of feeling single and left out, ignored, him ignoring my calls and IMs and excluding me like he is single and I wanted to break up with him but couldn’t because he wouldn’t answer his phone and we never went out. He never visited me or took me out. We only went out once and I took him to a movie, he picked me up and took me to a theater to see a movie we both wanted to see, Are We Done Yet. It was after I had gotten a new job finally after moving there. I should have broken up with him there but didn’t because I didn’t want to upset him and make him more depressed but I realize his feelings should not have been my concern. If he takes a gun to his head and shoots himself because I had dumped him, it wouldn’t have been my fault. I am sure he wouldn’t have cared if I dumped him but I didn’t know that then. But it felt so asshat to go out on a date and then dump them after the movie so I didn’t do it. Sometimes I do wonder if he did this just to stress me out and it was a game he was playing. But his excuse was he was “busy.” But then all this anxiety was removed when my mom told me he had moved on, he doesn’t want me, I am no longer in a relationship and sometimes people just ignore your calls when they dump you because they don’t want to hurt your feelings when they want to break up with you so they ignore you. This was the best news ever. I was free. I think I threw a celebration about it online but I can’t remember the title and I tried to look for it by doing a search but no such luck. But I was finally able to move on and not feel like I was cheating. I refused to see I was dating because I was just going out meeting diaper guys and we were not having sex or even kissing so it was not a date, we were just going out as friends. But I could not move on and get a new bf because I was not single and it would have been cheating if I had done that. I was trapped in a relationship I could not get out of. Then after being released from it, I was in another relationship within two months with my Daddy after we had met after a month after three weeks of talking online before we met up in real life.

My Daddy also never cried and he used to open his mouth a lot like my youngest brother used to or a girl at my school who was the little sister of a boy in my 5th grade class. But then he stopped doing it because he got used to me. He was always shocked at things I would say but he never twisted them or took them the wrong way. I didn’t even have to feel I would have to walk on eggshells without hurting his feelings.

He also sees me as me and the adult me no matter how I act. He isn’t embarrassed about me or critical and he never gives me a hard time about what I do and what I like and he doesn’t make a big deal about it like Jerry did. Happy Father’s day.

Avoiding an argument with an idiot

One mother father online posted about her son being violent and a danger to himself and a hazard in the household so he was in a psychiatric care faculty. Lot of parents were okay with that while lot of people on the autism spectrum are not and I am in the minority of them who is fine with violent kids being hospitalized. Safety for everyone else and no one will be harmed by them. One guy who was against it claimed to be diagnosed with autism and was hospitalized himself so he was obviously an abuser and now he is mad at his parents for sending him away when he was a child. My mom threatened to send me away once when I was 16 and I do not resent her for that. I did feel hurt and betrayed then and angry about it then that my mom would actually get rid of her own child so I started to target my anger at Frankie instead and started hating violent kids instead. Now I know safety does come first and abuse is not okay. But that threat did cure me from the behavior because I didn’t want to be sent away so I had to stop being abusive or I am no longer welcome at home. Well anyway I told the guy online he was sick and told him about Frankie and he called me a liar calling it a made up anecdote and said it was unrelated to the OP. Yep some people don’t think a kid can fracture bones and be so mean to their mother and throw axes at people. Good to know I am crazy like my aunt who is a schizophrenic lol. But I didn’t bother arguing with him because he was obviously an idiot. I know violent kids is a “trigger” for me because I always get upset and wound up and angry when anyone is okay with children being abusive and judging parents for sending them away and hate anyone who murders or attempts to kill their abusive child. Perhaps I should avoid those topics from now on. I think it’s child abuse to keep a violent kid at home and deny other kids a safe environment. If I had to grow up with an abusive sibling, I think I would have been abusive back towards them in self defense and to defend the abused victims in my home. If they were bigger than me by then, then I would be defenseless. Or I would call CPS if I knew how as a kid or tell everyone about it since back then I didn’t have a filter and wouldn’t know these things are not talked about. That was how I got my school counselor in 6th grade busted. My mom told me he was fired and lost his job and can no longer teach with kids and he had child porn on his computer. I was stunned and I found this out just this year and Mom never tells me. She told me she had no reason for me to know, it was in the past and done with. He was actually a predator and some teachers found him to be creepy and he would make inappropriate comments to me according to my mother and I would go to my therapist about his comments because they would mess me up and confuse me and it was making her job harder because she would have to spend half of her sessions undoing the damage and told my mother finally that she should go to a couple of my sessions to observe how he does his job. So she goes and she sees how he kept staring at my boobs and made a lude gesture and he looked at her boobs. My mom goes to the school principal and tells her and she doesn’t believe her because she saw my mom as someone who saw her girl in roses. So at my next session my mom tells my therapist and she decides to write a letter to the state of Washington and got my mom’s permission to use me as the case for it so she did and they investigated but it took them a year to do it and he was fired after we moved. My mom found that all out of the update when she went back and visit and she heard from our old neighbors and it was even in the paper. My mom said I didn’t do anything, it was my therapist who did by telling my mother to go observe and then writing a letter. I feel i caused it because if it weren’t for my confusion and nativity, I didn’t keep my mouth shut because I always asked a bunch of questions so everything made sense to me so he was caught. I am not sorry for what happened. I was also not traumatized because I didn’t know what was going on, I was too innocent and my mom didn’t tell me about it because I was better off not knowing. Why tell a kid something and then traumatize them with the truth? Sometimes a kid is better off not knowing. I guess my mom decided it was long ago enough to tell me and not have it affect me. No he never touched me so I told my mom that so she knew. Unfortunately this was back in 1998 so the story would be too old to be found online about him being fired and all and child porn being found on his PC. But I am sure if I went to the library, they might have old local newspapers here from that year. I even did a search on his name and all I found were a bunch of guys with the same name. I couldn’t find any info on him.

Now back to topic, what if Frankie fracturing other kids bones was one of his pathological lies but who knows, he was a pathological liar. But I do know he threw an ax at my brothers and their friends because they told me and my mom told me too and she told me he was hospitalized after he got back home. I also heard some stories about him from my first boyfriend who happened to know him because they both attended the special school. He told me what a bastard Frankie was so we both shared stories about him and my ex told me how Frankie would bully him and try and attack him so my ex would pick him up and toss him on the ground. I don’t know if my ex was exaggerating that or not but I have a image in my head that he picks him up and lifts him in the air and threw him on the ground. He probably picked him up and pushed him away a little bit but not enough to hurt him. I would find it hard to believe he would be able to pick up a ten year old and hold him like that and throw him. But I always repeat his exact words when I talk about him. It’s up to the readers to decide if that is an exaggeration or not because those are not my words, they’re his so they would basically be saying my ex was, not me.

But I regret knowing Frankie. I should have never had him come back after he told me about breaking other kids bones and I wish my mom and his father never hooked us up. My mom says he was a sweet boy when we first knew him but then shortly after puberty hit and his hormones changed so he was more violent but he was kicked out of his school at age nine and started going to that special school so he had to be violent then already and back then he was painting himself as the victim saying how other kids are mean to him and stuff so he fought back. He said his parents took him out but his mom told me they said he couldn’t attend there any longer. He also told me how my brothers were being mean to him and I would get mad at them and he would always thank me for defending him and then when he went camping with my brothers, my dad got a phone call and he had to come and get him and bring him back and he told me how my brothers and their friends were mean to him. Turns out he was the bully and he was chopping up my parents hammock and thy tried to stop him so he threw an ax at them and did it several times so they couldn’t stop him. He lied to me about all that. I was so pissed when I found out months later after the incident and it was around May 2002 and this took place back in August of 2001. I also felt betrayed he lied to me and made up a lot of stuff and I felt he took advantage of me but my mom told me he did not because he does this to everyone, he lies to everyone and tells tales. I sometimes wonder if he was a psychopath. He was manipulative too. But this was a rare situation we had to encounter. I have tried to look up the statistics about chances of having a kid that turns out to be violent but instead child abuse result pop up as if it can’t tell the different between child abuse and kids being the abusers. You have a higher chance of being beaten to death by a random stranger in the streets than being killed by a family member. Dr. Phil said Issy is the ten percent of autism and she could have killed her mother too so Kelli was also in that rare situation when the higher chances are she can be beaten in the streets by a random stranger. I would assume this statistic would fall with violent kids too because they can kill you with their abuse when they get stronger. What if Frankie had killed my brothers with the ax. Oh boy. I look back and realize we had all put ourselves in a dangerous situation so he was no longer welcome at our house. He just got too violent.

Easily pressured

I am vulnerable to being pressured. I always have been my whole life and I get mad at myself about it. It’s not as common anymore as it used to be because I am an adult and most people leave me alone and not talk to me. As a kid I would get into trouble after being egged to do things because kids would not take no for an answer and I would be the one in trouble, not them. I used to be frightened in my teens that I would go to prison if another adult takes advantage of me because I knew the judge wouldn’t care nor the jury. But I think those things are rare that people take advantage of someone with a disability or who is weak. It’s very unlikely someone will come and pressure me to do something I don’t want to do and try and convince me it’s good and bam I go to jail because it would be rare and I don’t know what the chances are if I have more chances of winning the lottery than this happening or have a higher chance of being beaten in the street by a random stranger.

Last night my husband pressured me to have sex because he hadn’t had it in a month he said. These Abenas I have on, the plastic rips when you try to remove the tabs and they have ripped each time I have taken them off so I didn’t want to waste a diaper and the thought of taking it off gave me anxiety. I tried to leave and go upstairs but he wouldn’t let me. He just grabbed on to me and kept me pinned on his bed. I decided I shouldn’t be around him when I am wearing these or else he will want sex and it will be hard to leave. That means no being with him, no going to the basement to play my WiiU or look at my old video games or else he might get turned on and will want sex. He wouldn’t take no for an answer and we ended up having it anyway when i thought what if I can just pull my diaper aside and he can take his penis out of his diaper and slip it inside me in my diaper. It worked. I gave into the pressure and today I feel upset about it not because we had it, because I see how easily I can give into pressure of doing things I don’t want to do and the person just has to keep pressuring and pressuring and convince me and keep on trying. I feel mad at myself for being weak, why can’t I be stronger? Why can’t I try harder? I always hate myself for this and I have a little tears in my eyes right now as I write this.

I always feel proud of myself when I do stick up for myself and succeed like in my other two relationships. Being begged for sex and I didn’t give in, I feel proud for that because I as tough and didn’t give in. It was the heat is why and I cannot stand heat and sticky skin and it’s uncomfortable to have it when it’s real hot out. When I was with Jerry, he would always make me feel guilty and guilt trip me and I feel proud for taking the abuse than giving in. At the time I didn’t know it was abuse. He was just very needy and nothing was ever good enough. There were times I did give in such as not finding work because he had convinced me and I had no way of getting a job without a working car and I didn’t know how to use the bus system. I didn’t know how to figure it out until I was living with my aunt and uncle and they got me started.

I feel proud of myself for standing uo to people online sometimes like the time someone tried to pressure me to giving him naked photo of me because he “loves me and wants to see me and it turns him on” Then he told me I was mean when I still refused so I blocked him because I got upset and I couldn’t take his pressure so I ran from. Block. So easy to get rid of them online. My therapist told me that was called manipulation and they will do it in a positive way and he started to role play saying “Oh I love you, I need to see you naked because I love you.” Then he told me when I refuse, they will try and do it in a negative way by telling me how mean I am. I felt better. It was all manipulation, he didn’t love me and I wasn’t mean and I did nothing wrong.

There was another incident when some man wanted my phone number and I refused to give it to him because I knew then giving out your phone number online is a bad idea and I have been pressured before. But this time I dug in my heals and said no but this man wouldn’t take no for an answer so he begged me for it like a five year old and not stop. I blocked him. Problem solved. No more pressure.

I had an online friend from Holland and we had been friends since I was eighteen or nineteen but he wanted a mommy. He pressured me to be his mommy and I decided I didn’t want to do it and said no. He called me a liar and said I told him I would always make sure he is dry and stuff and that we worked it out. He called me dishonest and stuff so I blocked him because all he wanted to do was argue and he said he was taking me off his list and he wouldn’t so I did him a favor. I realized he was just a creepy guy and very manipulative because I looked through our chat history. But I feel proud for being tough here and being strong. I say it’s easier online to be tough and not give in but it can still happen but I have more power. We have the ignore button and there is signing off and you don’t need to open a thread again or open a PM. I do always blame myself when I get pressured online because I wasn’t tougher and I should have tried harder and been stronger. Then I am always mad at myself and feel angry.

I still feel angry at myself for walking to the store with a stranger and he ended up taking my wallet but luckily he didn’t get much from me, just his gas for his car and a phone he can’t even use and whatever he got with $14.90 he spent. It was two months later when I got something in the mail and something inside felt lumpy and they were all my cards but the only things missing were my credit and debit card and my dad’s card and my Target card and my Conoco gift card and my bus pass. But everything else was there including a card that didn’t belong to me so it got mixed in there somehow. My wallet wasn’t there either. The cards I have were my library card which was no longer valid, honored citizen pass, rewards cards for stores, my ID. the thief only wanted money and I don’t know if it was him that mailed them back or someone from the store.

Hell, someone could probably pressure me into robbing a 7-Eleven if they really convince me and pressure me and not back down and leave and my husband doesn’t get it because he told me he will just give me a rule, no doing crimes or else he gives me a butt spanking for over an hour. But like I say these chances would be very slim. People always leave me alone and not talk to me vs when I was a kid, I seemed to have a invisible sign on me saying “I am different, pick on me and be mean to me and get me into trouble.” Then that sign wore off and expired when I reached adulthood. All that anxiety about reaching adulthood for nothing. So that eases my anxiety and I feel safer.

Why am I so weak?

You have a higher chance being beaten to death by a stranger than by a family member

I was talking to my mom in the kitchen and she is on sick leave all because I hurt her back by leaving shoes in front of the door and so did my father so she slipped on our shoes and fell and hurt her back. Thank god she is still alive. She said “can you imagine if you found me dead” and I said “We would have lost the house” and she said she has life insurance and I said oh because of her job and she could be beaten to death by one of her patients and she said no because she drives for her work so since she does, she is better off having life insurance. I said maybe if she worked in a mental hospital, she would better need it because she could be beaten to death by a mental patient and she said “No that wouldn’t happen” and I said “I guess it’s only in movies and it would be rare if it did actually happen” and she said it is rare. Then I brought up about the time when Trudy was beaten to death by her 19 year old autistic son and he got hospitalized for it because he had a mind of a two year old and how many two year olds hit when they are upset? Mom then told me I had a higher chance of being beaten to death by a stranger than by a family member. I said it must be rare then for that to happen and she said it is rare and then I mentioned that statistics have showed that it’s rare for a person to commit a violent crime when they have a mental illness or disability and my mom said “yeah it is but unfortunately the media will report those rare cases so you think it’s an every day thing and it makes you fear such as fearing autism.”

So this was our conversation and it’s a relief that it is very rare for someone with a disability or mental illness to hurt you and you have a higher chance to be beaten randomly in the streets by a stranger which is also rare. I also guess the Frankie incident was rare too and it was unfortunate my family had to encounter it and I had to know someone like that. Of my time I was in special ed, I only knew one boy who was aggressive and he would pinch and hit others and one day he threw chairs and it only happened once. Then there was Frankie so that was two special needs kids I knew who was aggressive and my mom had one student who would bite and scratch and I guess he was rare too.

I sometimes do wonder if the media is trying to make people turn against autistic people and other people with mental illnesses by reporting a violet crime they have done. My parents say that is what the media does, conservatives own the Fox stations and will report things and they are bias because they want you to believe what they show and they want you to turn against Muslims so they will report a Muslim doing a bomb threat or doing a bombing and not show a white person doing it too or anyone else, only Muslims.

Then of course you will go online and then you will see parents talking about how aggressive their autistic kids are and how one of them pulled a knife on someone and I once read a story about an autistic child beating another child with a bat and now all the other parents don’t want their kids near that child and how the victim now has PTSD and I guess those are rare cases we are reading but the internet makes it sound so common that we are violent psychopaths and that we will try and harm you if we get upset and call it a meltdown. Even Dr. Phil said it’s rare for someone with autism to be violent and Issy is the 10% and that most autistic people are not violent. I know he was just saying this so no one would fear autistic people after that show. I found that as a relief too because I do get sick of hearing how violent someone with autism is or hearing about them doing something violent but hey it would be PC if no one talked about it or wasn’t allowed to.