Smelly room

I went up to my room to get my Toy Story 4 tickets to put in a code on the magicatmcd.com. Boy did my room smell like wet diapers. I thought the bucket was left open or something and then I saw my bag of used diapers on the floor still by my dresser. I was going to take them out sooner but forgot. So I grabbed the tickets and put a mint wrapper in the bag with the other used diapers and took it out to the garage. I didn’t want to go outside so I put the bag on the garage floor. Remembering what had happened last time when I didn’t tie it and it causing a little hilarious scene between my parents when my daughter was a baby, I tied the bag closed.

What was the hilarious scene, I wrote about it here once but can’t remember when it was posted and I am not going through dig through my blog posts to find it so I will retell it again. I know it happened in 2015 when I was 29 but can’t find that post.

My dad had went poopy in the bathroom. The garage door was open, and my parents were leaving to do something and the kitchen stank of poo. So my mom thought my dad needed a mercy flush so she had him flush the toilet again. He flushes it and the smell it still there. So my mom has him flush the toilet. The smell never leaves and they are both wondering why it stinks so bad and my mom thought that was one smelly poo my dad had done. Then my mom looks at the trash in the garage ready to be taken out and there is the bag full of my used diapers and one of them was popped open showing my messy diaper. Mom confronted me about it later in the day and she waited until the end that she saw my messy diaper popped open and it had poop in it and it was an adult diaper so she knows I did it. She tells me she didn’t want me to share any information with her and I told her I wasn’t and she goes “seeing your messy diaper is sharing information with me.” She wasn’t mad. She also said it was fresh. What she didn’t know was that diaper was from the night before and I had pooped in it and then changed later on. I guess poop will look fresh for a while.

So that is what happened when I didn’t tie the bag closed and one of the diapers popped open showing my parents what I did in that diaper. I do tie my bags most of the time when I take them out. Now hopefully my room won’t smell like wet diapers anymore when I go to bed. I do have a window open.

Pooping in my diaper by a building

Today I had felt a slight urge to do a bowel movement but it never came out yet. That urge had started to happen after I had changed out of a Crinklz and into a Galatic diaper.

We headed to the 4th of July barbecue and I see my in laws there and sister in law and my husband’s parents friends and their kids. They already had food out and made. I had a barbecue chicken and a little bit of potato salad and a hamburger with ketch up. I was going to have another barbecue chicken but decided to eat the hamburger first before putting another barbecue chicken on my plate. Good thing I did because I was full from all that food. I drink most of my Red Bull and look on my phone and did the last blog entry to rant, Then I headed to the thrift store. I walked of course. I figured it would help relax me after what happened and I go there every holiday anyway because they always do half off sale.

I look around while the the to poop came and went. I get a hand made Frozen pilow case for my daughter and I found a 90’s TY beanie with the TY tag on it and I found a pack of Tena underpads from another country. I get all three and I leave and the urge to poop came strong so I went outside and walked by the side of the building where the semi trailer is and I pooped.

Then I walked back and peed more in my diaper. I felt the back and I realized I had a lump in the back. I wondered if it was noticeable. I sniff down my shirt and didn’t smell anything. I even rub my butt and sniff my hand and nothing. I guess I didn’t stink so I walk back and I am not nervous at all. I had to walk by people when I got back and I grabbed my diaper bag and headed to the bathroom. I lock the door and I pull my shorts down and remove the diaper. The poop wasn’t too soft but it was light brown and ina ball. I still had to wipe my self clean and I used rash cream and put on a Bumooza. It was a lot thinner than the Galatic one and I could tell they had been unfolded and refolded so they were really fluffy and thick. I did buy some diapers from someone the other day all for $20 and it was 3 boxes. 1 full of cloth and layers and the other two of disposables.

I dumped my poop in the toilet to cut down the smell since I would be taking it with me. I flushed it down and wrapped the diaper up with used wipes in it and put it in a plastic bag and tied it and shoved it in my diaper bag. I put my other stuff back in it and zip it up and I take it out to the car and put the used diaper in the trunk and take out other stuff I didn’t want and leave it in the trunk.

Then I get back and few minutes later, I am told by my husband we were leaving. The music was too loud and my daughter wanted to leave and my husband wanted to leave too. So we left.

I felt “so much for changing” but then I realized I didn’t really waste a diaper and I got to experience changing a messy diaper away from home. But changing there wasn’t bad and no one asked me why I was bringing my bag into the bathroom there and why I was going out to the car with it.

I will say mission accomplished, I have been bringing wipes and rash cream with in my bag for if I poop. I didn’t really smell my poop until I took the diaper off. That diaper sure kept the smell contained and boy did it make the diaper bulge out.

I get home and I throw the bag in the trash can outside with the other trash. I also toss my empty Red Bull can with the other cans we keep in a bag we take to recycle them at we get money for.

And those under pads turned out to be like bed pads but were rectangular. They looked like underpads you put in your underwear on the package.

Stabbed in the heart

More Twitter rant here.

If you have been following my blog for 7 years, you probably know I hate passive aggression. I think I have also mentioned I also have anxiety.

Last night on Twitter, someone posted about how hard 4th of July is for them because of their PTSD. I asked about ear plugs and noise cancelling headphones.

I don’t get a response but I do get several likes so I assume everything is fine.

But today in early noon, I find a post by this person about PTSD and it’s about fireworks. I read it and realized the whole post was about me but it was guised as a general post and as awareness. She also had it tagged as ableism. I checked her profile and saw she had unfollowed me. I felt stabbed because instead of telling me why that solution wouldn’t work, she decided to make that post instead and made me out to be some bigot. First of all, she never said fireworks were illegal where she is. I also know people with PTSD that do stay inside and put on thick headphones and listen to music or watch TV. I was trying to be helpful and supportive and this is what I get? It just makes me not want to talk to people if I am going to be reminded what a horrible person I am because of my social skills. Once someone gets offended by me, I cease interaction with them. I don’t know what else will offend them so I just drop them. I unfollowed her since I would no longer interact and I blocked her too not too long later.

I talked to my husband about it so he would know why I was in a bad mood. Interent stuff again because I had offended someone by mistake and instead of telling me what I said wrong, she had to be passive aggressive about it and unfollow me. I am not going to get offended if you tell me what I do wrong if you aren’t salty about it or mean about it or have some attitude and aren’t passive aggressive about it.

My husband thinks I did nothing wrong and it’s her problem and not mine. I was just trying to be helpful and she took it wrong. I am trying to forget about it and my husband said he doesn’t care when he offends people and it happens to him too. He will never see them again. I decided to forget her and he said “yeah forget her, you will never meet her.”

Maybe I did nothing wrong. How am I supposed to know since other PTSD people have used that stuff, even autistic people use them too for in public to avoid sensory overload. I dont think I have seen any of them scream “ableism” whenever someone suggested noise cancelling headphones. But she decided to take my question and turn it into something else.

I don’t normally block people on twitter but this time I did because she had stabbed me and I didn’t want to deal with her if she sees my rant on there too.

My anxiety just makes me not want to talk to people because I could offend them with my social skills and then they will block me or ignore me because of something I said and it makes me feel terrible. Then when I finally get myself out there, something like this happens and I am reminded again why I have anxiety and reminded how bad I am at socializing. I have messed up a lot and been singled out and rejected. I have also been stabbed in the back too. Now it just makes me angry so I have the “fuck you” attitude. So sick of this bullshit.

Edit 7/5/19

After getting support on Adisc, Heidi, my friend from Daily Diapers, my husband, I have come to realize this was not a social and communication issue on my end and it was just the other person with the problem. I still think I made the right choice in blocking her. I wouldn’t have realized I did nothing wrong if it weren’t for me posting about it. Some people really do suck.

Getting treated like a child by your own mother

My daughter was eager to do ABC Mouse because her grandma told her she can have ice cream if she does that game. My mom said my son can have his if he finishes his homework. I wanted one too so I asked as a joke what I need to do to get one. My mom took my joke seriously and said I needed to work out first and eat real food. She also said I was getting too skinny because my bones are showing on my back. Then she said I needed to eat real food and then I get ice cream.

My husband cooked me up a chicken pot pie and gave it to me in a bowl on s small plate with fork and napkin.

I ate the top first and peel it off and peeled off the edges. I slowly ate in the middle until it was all gone and then I licked the inside and scraped the pie out with my teeth my fork wouldn’t pick up. I wasn’t even hungry so it made me eat it very slow and I had a fudge cookie with nuts this morning. My mom didn’t call it real food.

I put my plate in the kitchen and tossed out the chicken pot pie bowl and napkin and had an ice cream cone. There were only two left so I took them both out and left one in the freezer and threw the box in the recycling.

I feel my mom treats me as a child sometimes. She will tell me to go to bed, has threatened to take my game away, I still get sent to my room as an adult to calm down when I have an episode, still get told how to eat. One time I was told if I take my dirty diapers out, I will get Dairy Queen while my kids got theirs from hard work I forget what. But lot of times I have my freedom and make my choices without my mom interfering.

After my work out, I was back downstairs again and I check my game again. My mom asked me if I had worked out and I said yeah. Then she told me where the ice cream is so I told her I had one already. She then seemed surprised because she asked me when and I told her “before I worked out.” She then called me a stinker. Me and my sweet tooth. Then she said she did say I needed to eat real food first and I did so I got my ice cream. I was going to work out anyway so I had the ice cream first.

It’s been 4 hours now when I last ate and my tummy is screaming for food. But I am at work. I don’t eat till I get home besides eating chocolate at work I see but I don’t eat lot of it. Same as for any sweets I find customers leave out for anyone to have.

Addiction is real

I used to be one of those morons who thoughts people can just quit anything if they try hard enough. Put down the cigarette, put down the drink, flush down the drugs, etc. My mom compared it to me liking ice cream and asked me if I am willing to not eat it for the rest of my life. What I got out of it was “so people like that stuff like I do with ice cream except I don’t have ice cream everyday and I won’t go crazy if I don’t have any so why are they tossing their money away on that stuff and stealing for drugs and also having financial issues over beer and cigarettes? Why have I cut out luxury foods to save on grocery bills?” That was a bad analogy then my mom had used.

As a joke I used to say I am too poor to eat all the time and being poor keeps me thin. Then I got pregnant and had to eat more food (I had an eating disorder before then) and all I would eat was whole wheat stuff and fresh food, no canned food or desserts or any high sodium foods and I would occasionally eat something unhealthy. As a result it made me lose weight while I gained the baby weight and then I was way below my pre pregnancy weight after I had my son and I was getting comments from people I knew “You have lost weight” and it was all unintentional what I did. I never intended on getting thinner. My only intention was avoiding gaining the unnecessary weight by eating healthy and following the pregnancy diet like a bible it became my new special interest. I even got a comment from a random stranger, “It doesn’t look like you just had a baby, how much weight did you gain, a pound?” If only she had seen my belly, she would see it was still bloated out but I had on a loose shirt so she didn’t see my midriff. I couldn’t even wear my regular jeans yet either so I was still wearing my maternity pants. But I did experience random bladder leakage and it would happen off and on randomly and still does to this day, I just leak it in my diaper. I figure that is from child birth than from wearing and using them.

But my husband decided to get me a Red Bull one day, a sugar free one and I drank it and liked the taste. He started to buy me one every time we would go to a 7-Eleven that is less than a mile from our house to buy his father a beer or something or anything they needed and plus we would get milk there than driving two miles to a near department store or grocery store. I started to get hooked on Red Bulls and I realized I had gotten myself addicted to them when I would always be thinking about having one and be mentally craving it. I started to wonder if this is how an addiction feels except I don’t have any physical symptoms.

Another thing about Red Bulls is it makes me wet my diapers and I would enjoy drinking them but it was because I was always mentally craving it. Then my in laws moved out and I was still mentally craving it and we would still go to the store and get one and I started buying one every time I was at a store and even going to a zero calorie Rockstar at Goodwill since they have no Redbulls. The Rockstar doesn’t taste as good as a sugar free Redbull and I have tried to pear flavor and I still like the regular sugar free one. But I am still addicted to Red Bulls, not to those 5 hr energy drinks and not to any Rockstars or any other energy drinks that are juice.

I once bought a orange juice energy drink years back when I was visiting Montana and then going home and driving long distance gets me tired so I use energy drinks on the road to keep me alert since my husband can’t drive. With kids I don’t think I need them anymore since we have to stop anyway and walking around wakes me up. That is another reason why I don’t like driving. I have many reasons why I don’t like driving but I still drive anyway because I have to, how else will my kids get to school? And I find it more convenient and we can afford the gas. But I will always be the last person to drive when there are other people because too many people in the car distract me I often tell my son I can’t listen to him talk because I am watching the road. But when there are less cars, I can listen better because there isn’t as much to focus on.

Then I decided to try and wean myself off Red Bulls and just suck it up. I realize I can save money by not drinking them and coffee is cheaper in the long run but I don’t like coffee. I know I can also save money on diapers too by not wearing them all the time but I like them too much and I am forced in them anyway. I could also save money on my game I always play because I buy premium content in events and during the tower challenge. I have been using gems now to save because I hoard them and I use Microsoft Rewards and every month I earn enough to get a $10 Microsoft ecard and I use it for the game and get more premium stuff. So that has saved me money too. There are many things out there we can all save money on but we still choose to spend our money on it like cable, Netflix, coffee, food like snacks and just eating for comfort and for fun, driving when you can just take the bus or walk, hobbies, but I just choose to try and cut out Red Bulls and it also saves me one diaper a day too so I am also saving money on diapers too in the long run. People even use money on the gym when they can just work out at home. People may even have Kindle Unlimited when they can just go to the library and check out books for free and people even go and buy books when they can just go to the library to save money. People even go to the movies when they can just wait for it to come to video and rent it on their cable or go to a Redbox to save money or just wait for it to go on a pirated website and watch it there before it is even released on video.

I also use Google Survey Rewards and I earn some money each time I take a random survey when it randomly pops up. I have used the money to buy a couple books and I am still reading them because it’s fat activist books and I only bought them just to read for entertainment and then I get bored with it and quit reading. I will read anything rather I agree with it or not because I am curious and I will follow any youtube channel and I would follow a bunch of controversial pages too on Twitter but I don’t want that to reflect on me as a person and my page would get flooded with TERF stuff, and MAP stuff and right wing stuff and Trump stuff, etc. if I follow too many non ABDL pages. I am just like my dad, we both listen to things we don’t like because we want to hear what crap they say and my dad will get mad at whoever he is listening too and start cussing. I don’t get mad what I listen to. I even watch Dr. Phil because of the drama and there have been some episodes that have gotten me angry. There was one episode that got me so angry I will never watch that episode again. I just remember it too well so I don’t need to see it again.

After deciding to cut out Red Bulls, I couldn’t resist them any longer and am back to drinking them again and buying them every time I am at a store. I even stopped at a Plaid Pantry and bought three Red Bulls because they had a sale. Then I stuck the drinks in my diaper bag where the bottles go and I didn’t even drink them in the dorms I was cleaning because I get head aches due to getting dehydrated and it was very hot that day. Red Bulls make me pee a lot and I didn’t want to pee out all my water and get dehydrated and have head aches. I didn’t crave them that day until after I got off work.

I never thought I could get addicted. I only deal with mental cravings. I wonder if this is how people feel about coffee? At least it’s normal. I am pretty sure my Red Bull addiction is normal because it doesn’t interfere with my life. I used to call myself a diaper addict as a joke because if I went too long of not wearing, they would be on my mind all the time and consume my thoughts and I the urges would get stronger and stronger and so would the thoughts. Now I don’t have that anymore because I wear them 24/7.

No one cares you wear diapers

So four years ago I decided to join Reddit and for shits and giggles I put the word diaper in my username and my female pronoun because I couldn’t come up with anything else. I don’t like to use the same usernames for each forums because of doxxing and people doing a search on your name so I will mind as well make it harder for them. But coming up with a username has always been hard for me so I picked that one.

But anyway, after I had been posting on Reddit and not just in r/ABDL, my name has gotten very little attention. So what could this mean here? I know, lot of people just don’t care that you wear diapers. So that means you can go ahead and put one on and wear it to work or wear it anywhere and no one will care if they notice. So you have nothing to worry about folks. I bet even putting “Ishitmypants” as your username won’t get you attention either. But maybe it will and it will give you an auto ban because it sounds like something a troll would create. Someone once created a user name on a forum and they put the word fetish in their username and female pronoun and the word duck and boom she was banned before she could even post. She was not even a troll because she went to another forum (now defunct) and complained about being banned from that forum and then members in that thread were complaining about the mods on the other forum and how that place sucks. I wonder if the word diaper in the name would have gotten you banned too from that forum. The 3 mods there were pretty corrupt and paranoid.

Occasionally an idiot will bring up my diapers and say something about it that is totally irrelevant to the discussion. They will go through my post history to find something about it and use it against me. My favorite one is “You shit your diapers in front of your children and you think this is the worst parenting?” I looked through her post history (assuming it’s a she because of the name in it but then again it is also a unisex name) and she didn’t seem like a troll but decided to make a troll post towards me. Interesting how even regular members can be trolls. This is so rare I can’t remember any other times it’s happened but this one sticks out so that is why I remember it. Other comments I have gotten about my username have either been neutral or positive.

My username acts invisible until someone feels the name is relevant like “username checks out” or if a troll wants to dig into my post history and use diapers against me. I couldn’t care less if they say I shit myself or that I have a diaper fetish. I am not embarrassed about it and don’t care that random strangers know or else I would have created an alternate account and not post on r/abdl nor even mention my diapers from time to time. Guess what, I still have gotten very little attention about that too when I would do it. What these trolls don’t realize is, nobody cares if Johnny likes to wear diapers and likes to sleep in a crib and eat baby food or have a caregiver so they make themselves look stupid.

7 years of 24/7 and the progress

After being put back in diapers 7 years ago with some attempt in re potty training me šŸ˜‰ here has been the progress so far:

I still have bladder control and bowel control

It is uncomfortable to go without a diaper

I do have to pee a lot because even some urine in my bladder makes me feel I have to go pee

When I have to poop, it is uncomfortable to hold it and it feels it really wants to come out

I still have to get in certain positions sometimes to pee when I am sitting

I can actually just go when I feel a slight urge to pee

I can poop in my diaper in less than a minute after feeling the urge, sometimes it takes a little longer when I am relaxing

Depending on how soft the poop is, I can just go without really pushing it out and squatting so I have done it around my kids and nephews since they don’t pay attention. I even did it once while playing Monopoly with my son. I did it while sitting on the floor and I was on my feet anyway and we were at the coffee table on the floor. I’ve never done it around any adults yet

I sometimes pee while walking depending on my bladder when I am relaxing it but most of the time I can’t do it

Still can’t wet myself on a moving train but have done it while we were stopped and it depends on my bladder

Still can’t wet my diaper while driving with people in the car but for some reason my body is fine with kids and my bladder has to be full enough for me to do it and that is from relaxing and concentrating

I can pee lying on my back but not on my side

I have pooped sitting but that doesn’t happen often and when I stand, I can finally do it.

I have wet my diapers off and on without thinking about it or remembering when it happened

My poop has gotten soft and it’s not hard anymore like it used to be

I still don’t poop in my diaper without thinking about it

It doesn’t feel exciting anymore to be in them 24/7 because it becomes normal and part of my routine, same as for messing and peeing in them

Diapers are now my underwear. My mother has been calling them that now. I guess that is her way of normalizing it. Part of me wishes she would still call it a diaper because I feel it’s like diapers are something to be ashamed about

I don’t hear any diaper comments in the house anymore. I guess everyone had gotten used to it

My diapers have gone from “mommy diapers” to “plastic underwear” by my son. I wonder if he actually knows or if he is just being polite. Sometimes he will poke at them or tug at them and I tell him to stop and he goes “Plastic underwear.”

People at work probably know or it was just a coincidence someone had left their Northshore Underpad on my cart

Both my kids are happy and don’t seem to be confused and they have survived me wearing diapers 24/7. Where is the trauma and all the bad affects on them of me wearing trolls out there love to make up? I must be doing it wrong if my children are happy and don’t seem to be affected. Someone give me a guide on “How to fuck your kids up by you wearing diapers 24/7.”

I am happy to have proven my mother wrong and for her to see both my kids are happy and out of diapers and have no interest in them

I have worn cloth and only wore disposables to work and out of the house if gone all day and now I am now an exclusive disposable wearer. No more cloth

I still go through 2 diapers a day on average, 3 if I have a Red Bull.

I still have not woken up wet after going to bed dry and I will wake up at night and wet my diaper and go back to sleep. I don’t wake up wetter either after going to bed in a wet diaper

My mom is no longer critical about my “underwear.”

I have never done any 12 month programs nor even tried to become incontinent. I decided if it happens it happens and 7 years on, I still have control and I finally learning it’s a myth to lose bladder control of wearing. I know people out there will claim it but I have noticed they already had bladder problems to begin with and they decide to go 24/7 and they notice their lack of bladder control and ones out there with a normal bladder that make that claim could just be lying because it’s the internet. I have even read stories online by people saying they have urinated in pools and get kicked out because they had that chemical that turns color. No such thing exists so those stories were obvious lies.

This has been my diaper progress in the last 7 years of wearing 24/7.