Another dying relative

My dad told me he was going to see his brother in the hospital and he wouldn’t make it till Wednesday he said. So their youngest brother would be coming to pick my dad up and go out to Montana together to see him. I find it sad he is dying because he has cancer. I am not sure what cancer he has but he is dying. He is only 64. I was never close to him due to his bad temper, etc. and he was never a people person so he never cared to visit whenever he dropped by in town but it’s a shame I won’t be able to see him for the last time because I just found out this morning and I have to go to work and I have kids to take care of. But honestly the fact this is on short notice is overwhelming so I am not going to see him even though I would like to. I never liked things at the last minute and it’s too much to process. The others are just excuses for not going and I think i am just using those so I wouldn’t feel guilty. I can’t remember the last time I have seen him. I don’t think I really care about him and I just feel I want to see him because he is family and that is a normal feeling. I know him dying means I will never see him again.

Vacation

This year I skipped the 4th of July because we spent our whole day flying. We went to Wisconsin and went to my aunt’s wedding reception and she had it on the boat and we all rode on Lake Michigan around Milwaukee. I got to see all my cousins except for two of them because they were not invited and I saw all my aunts and uncle and his girlfriend but I didn’t get to see my schizophrenic aunt. I wanted to go visit her but I didn’t get the chance to, I didn’t get to see her kids either or meet their kids. Right when we landed there, my parents met up with us and my husband and my mom claimed our luggage and Dad and I went to get the car I rented and the first thing is they didn’t have a car I picked so I ended up with a Ford Focus. That was one crazy thing on our trip so far. Then we headed straight to the party and my dad had low blood sugar so he started to act stupid so my mom told him on the phone to look at the invitation, she has a list of places where we can park and then she said to me this is why she always does things early because he always does things like this and this is why she wanted to leave the airport so soon because of things like this. He just doesn’t think when he gets low blood sugar. Then we found a place to park and we got changed in the car and we headed to a nearby pub where we all met and I got to see my mom’s cousins but none of their kids were there because they were all grown and also not invited. I even saw my Mom’s cousin named Diane and I had only met her once when I was nearly three when Mom and I went to her wedding. I don’t remember her but I vaguely remember the wedding. I only remember walking into a church and then sitting in a pew and I was bore and anxious because of too many people and then I was brought into a room with full of kids and this one boy had a box of those circus Animal Crackers and those were my favorite then and he gave me one of his and I remember being told by the adults to say thank you.

Some other crazy things happened on our trip. Our hotel we stayed at was not very clean because they never cleaned the walls and the internet wifi was bad because it kept not working off and on because it couldn’t handle too many guests using it at once so it would time out and not work. Then on Sunday my husband’s leg gave out so he fell flat on his face and broke his glasses and his lens would fall out and he would have to put it back in. The next day we went to The Public Museum and my husband discovered his lens came out so no wonder everything was blurry and I told him to keep one eye closed so he can only see through his one lens he still had and he said that didn’t work because he had already tried it. So we head to a nearest eye place and it was at the Bayshore shopping mall, it’s indoor and an outdoor mall. Then we picked them up the next day around four PM and on Thursday our rental car broke down because the transmission went out so it said transmission failure, service now and I had a panic attack because I didn’t know the area well so I didn’t know where an auto shop was and this was a rental car and I didn’t know the number to call the place where I rented it from but my husband saved me because he knew what to do and he called the number for me he found in the glove box and then we had to wait two hours for them to bring us another car and take the other car away and three different people told him “weird” when he told them the problem. It was a 2014 car. We were given a 2014 Toyota Camry and it said maint. req but we only had two days left of our trip so it didn’t matter. I just hoped it would last us until Saturday and not break down again. I forgot to tell the lady that light is on when I turned it in yesterday when we got to the airport to fly home. We also didn’t have room to fit the rest of the Walgreen diapers in our suitcases or backpacks so my husband threw them out while I was turning in the car. We had also arrived too early because there was no line to check in and security wasn’t long a all so we had to wait three hours before take off and our son spent his whole time in the play area. Our daughter played in there too. We also had to leave behind some food because we didn’t have room for it all. We stayed with my aunt and uncle for the rest of the week because they offered us to stay with them. They thought it was ridiculous for us to pay for a hotel when they had room for us to stay. They didn’t have room at first because my uncle’s brother was in town and then he left. Sadly my kids didn’t get to see any fireflies but my husband did for the first time and it was on Friday night before we left to go home. I saw them too and that was my first time also on that trip even though I had seen them as a little girl when I was last there. Then when we flew home, I was tired so I went to bed after I did some cleaning and took care of the kids and my husband gave our son a shower and sent him to bed with me and I heard the fireworks but I didn’t go watch them because I was tired. Then the next day my husband told me a story about our neighbors across the street shooting off illegal fireworks so he called the police because they nearly burnt our house down because they were shooting them near our oak tree that hangs over the road. Another crazy thing about our trip is on Friday some car pulls in front of me so I slam on my breaks and he slams on his and waves at me to go ahead so I keep on driving. My husband said we nearly got in an accident. Good thing I was watching the road or else I may have driven into him when he pulled into my lane, was about to but I slammed on my breaks to avoid it. But we still had fun on the trip and I wished I would have stayed longer but sadly we had to leave. I even tried to get tickets to fly home for the 5th but I couldn’t find any for this day and also it would have been more expensive if we stayed a day longer. When we landed in Chicago, we didn’t even have time to look in any shops and we didn’t have time to put my son’s shoes on so he could ride those flat things so people could get to their flight faster. It was getting off the plane and then going straight to the other gate to catch our flight and they were already boarding.

We went to the Milwaukee Zoo, The Public Museum, went to my aunt and uncle’s house in Grafton for some other party they were doing, my mom’s oldest sister had a family gathering at her house so we went there and that is where we stayed for the rest of the week, we went to the Jelly Belly factory where they store all their Jelly Bellies and ship them out to places all over the world and country and where they ship out orders from online people place, we also went to Old World Wisconsin. My son also played in the fountain at Bayshore Mall twice and we visited my grandparents twice and we did mom generation pictures. My grandma, my mother, me and our daughter. My mom did it when I was a baby so there is a baby picture of me on her lap and she is sitting between her mother and grandmother which would be my grandmother and great grandmother who passed away in 2002.

We also lucked out on our trip because it was nice and cool there and that was unusual weather for them according to my aunt we stayed with. But on Friday it was finally hot out so I think their Wisconsin weather was finally coming. My aunt and uncle told us great stories about their lives such as when their transmission went out so they would drive for ten minutes and having to pull over and wait for the transmission to cool down and drive it again for another ten minutes and it took them eight hours to get back to Milwaukee when they were only an hour and a half from home when their transmission went out and it cost them $689 1971 dollars to get it fixed and that was three of their paychecks so they had to put it on credit and pay it over time. There was another story my aunt told and it was about how things would always go wrong whenever her husband was out of town for business and one time she had a crow in her fireplace so she lit a fire thinking the smoke will make it leave her chimney but instead it suffocated from the smoke so he fell into the fire and burned. My aunt did feel bad for it and my oldest cousin told his father when he got back “Mom cooked a crow for dinner” and one time she had a chipmunk in her home and in their current home, she had wasps coming out of her fireplace so she made a fire in there and it was July and they had built a nest in their chimney because it smelled like paper burning when she had a fire going so all these wasps came out into her living room so she spent the next five hours swatting them and when her husband returned, he asked her if she did anything interesting so she pointed to the fire place mantel piece and said “That” and had 92 dead wasps laying there where she stuck them. She had them all in a row. My aunt had great stories to tel and she and her husband told us a story about when Wisconsin passed a new law to protect the lake they lived on so everyone had to get rid of their septic tanks and they had to pay to get their sewer hooked up to the city and to pay someone to crush their septic tank so they wouldn’t be able to use it. It was to be sure they wouldn’t be able to use it and say they have theirs hooked up to the city and still continue using their septic tank so that was why they had everyone get theirs crushed. It cost them a couple thousand to crush it and $25,000 to get their sewer line hooked up but they were able to pay it off and I said they must be rich if they could afford it.

I would like to go back and visit again some time but it’s so expensive and I only get one week of vacation a year and my husband said I can always go back by myself but everyone there liked seeing my kids and my aunt and uncle really enjoyed having them around and thought they were sweet kids and well behaved. They think we do a good job with them. I used our tax return money for this trip. My husband thought we should do London next time but I told him “Do you know how expensive it is to fly there? It would be at least about $1200 per person and besides his feet wouldn’t be able to handle it unless we can rent a wheelchair. It would take us a few years to save from tax return and that is if we don’t have to pay anything for house maintenance and if nothing else goes wrong like needing a new phone or fixing my car and loaning out money. I have actually looked at ticket prices online to see how much it would cost to fly there and it was about that much the cheapest. This is another reason to not have anymore kids. The more kids you have, the more expensive it is to fly, more kids, more tickets, more suitcases and that means more money to pay to check on luggage and needing to rent a bigger car and that costs more. I am too cheap to have more but my aunt and uncle taught me a new word to use because they don’t like me calling myself cheap so the new word is budget conscious. But then they agreed I am cheap when my husband told them a story about the time I chewed him out for spending a dollar on a bag of chips and he had to hear about it for three months. I told him that was because we had to save money because we were going to have a baby so we had to save up for it and get ready.

I also love my husband’s new sleep apnea machine. He doesn’t see any difference when he uses it but he noticed how much I love it. It keeps him from snoring and the machine is real quiet. Only thing I hear is the breathing and air blowing. I was able to sleep in the same room as him. Only time I woke up was when he would take it off in his sleep so his snoring would wake me up.

Only thing we left behind on accident was my husband’s coat but hopefully my parents remembered to stop by and get it.

Dog hate

I did some random googling and I came across this:

http://www.benjamingran.com/2012/02/03/i-hate-dogs/

There are actually lot of negative dog stories in the search results but this one stuck out because the family in my Natalie stories have a yellow Lab. Yes they shed and my mom would sometimes have hair all over her from my therapist’s dog she would bring to her office and I always loved seeing that dog. His name was Jake. I am sure he is dead now because he would be 21 years old human years and those big dogs normally live ten years. Every Lab I have known and heard about have only lived that long before they needed to be put to sleep or something. My husband had a Rottweiler that lived to be 15. She was a family dog and then she got breast cancer and had to be put to sleep and my husband mourned her death but she was a very smart dog. He told me a story about the time she pooped in the house and he picked it up and rubbed it in her nose and took it outside and she never did it again. She had connected that poop goes outside so that is where she goes but yet rubbing her face in her wet spot never worked but the poop thing did. Maybe if it were possible to pick up the pee and throw it outside she would have made that connection too.

But we had a dog when I was 16 and I hated that animal. We had just moved house and I was already having more anxiety and then my dad had to bring home a miniature Schnauzer. He has ADHD so he gets impulsive and he was at the mall pet store and he saw all these little Schnauzers and they were on sale because they were close to six months. He buys one of the dogs and he gets a male dog this time and brings it home. My mom is not happy but the rest of us love that animal. Sound familiar in my Natalie story? That dog always squeaked instead of whimpering so we named him Squeaky. But not too long later I find pee on the floor and my mom said it was an accident so she cleaned it up and my anxiety is gone. I actually freaked out over a wet spot. He does it again other times and we clean it up. Then one day I am in the basement playing a video game and Squeaky runs int he basement after he had just come inside and he goes to my dollhouse and lifts his leg and I don’t think anything because he had just been outside and then I hear a hissing sound and I freak out and he runs and I grab him and bring him upstairs and I am so mad I clinch my arms and he squeals because I squeezed him so hard and then I loosen my body and my dad cleans up the mess and I am screaming that was no accident because he lifted his leg so he did it on purpose. I realize the other wet spots he had done were no accidents. This continues on and one day he comes up from the basement and this time he had peed on the tile floor. I would try to keep him outside and then he would run inside to pee so I wanted him outside or in his crate but everyone thought it was so cruel to keep him locked up. I have tremendous anxiety because of that animal so I act worse and then I decide to be Frankie to get my way to get rid of all the anxiety because he is in control of his mother with his abuse. All I had to do was be abusive and break things and be tough and I will have an easier life like Frankie does. But instead it backfires because my mom told me she would put me in a hospital. I then resent Frankie that he got his way and I didn’t and he had an easier life than me and then I grew to hate him when I found out what he did to my family. Throwing an ax at my brothers and wrecking my parents hammock. I never ever thought he could abuse my family members and destroy our property so he was out of my life and I have never taken kindly to abuse ever since. Yeah I was a hypocrite because I didn’t seem to care he was harming other kids and adults in his school and mistreating his mother even though I was shocked at how he treated her when I witnessed it. He had transformed into a different person once we got to his house. But yet I was still his friend until what he did to my family. Then that was where I drew the line and decided bye bye. I never even told him if he ever did that shit to my family I will never want to see him again because I never thought he would act that way to my family. I thought he only did it at home and in school. Now I know better. I won’t be that naive again.

So I would take that dog outside often but he would always come inside to pee so I thought that dog was evil. He preferred to pee indoors and lot of people seem to not believe this because what kind of animal prefers to go indoors right. That is why I sometimes like to look up dog hate stories and they are worse than Squeaky. At least I know I am not crazy like people have always made me feel out to be. I can remember my therapist laughing when I was 16 after he was dead and saying “Oh you thought he was defiant. ‘No I won’t go outside, I will just pee in the playroom.'” But I didn’t see any difference. I have a memory of coming home and Squeaky comes inside and he lifts his leg in the kitchen and I race for him and he runs and tries to lift his leg again and I grab him but he keeps on running and trying to go so I finally grab him and throw him outside and close the door winning his game. I had won. I swore he was teasing me and trying to pee and I wouldn’t let him so he kept on running and I chased after him playing his game. I was in a constant battle with my family about that damn dog my mom calls him. I would lock him up and they would let him loose for him to pee all over and I discovered he had found a new spot to pee in, the play room instead of the basement. That dog just never wanted to go outside. But all he did was peed in the house, he never chewed up anything or wrecked anything, he only peed and he never peed on anything except floors and carpets. I hated that animal and I often had thoughts about killing him. I also had violent thoughts about him too like wanting to burn him on the stove or burn him with hot water and just slam him on the floor or throw him from our back deck and I also had nightmares about him too. In one of my dreams he got sentenced to death for peeing in the house and refusing to go outside so he was strapped in the electric chair and electrocuted but didn’t die. He just suffered with pain and squeaked loudly and everyone watched. He was getting all the pain he was giving me from my anxiety. It was payback. Then on February 1st 2002, he got hit by a car. I didn’t find this out until Sunday when my mother gave me the news. Her exact words were “Squeaky got hit by a car.” I said “Really?” She nods. “Are you serious?” She nods. I asked if he died and she nodded. I felt like it was all a dream but I realized I was not sad. I say to her “How come I am not upset about it?” She said “Maybe because you didn’t like him very much.” I feel like a psychopath for not feeling bad and she told me she didn’t really like that dog either and she felt relieved when he died. There was nothing wrong with me for feeling that way. I felt relieved I was not the only one who didn’t like that animal. My mom didn’t like him because of all the anxiety and chaos he caused even though it was not his fault. My dad should not have brought that dog home and he should have taken it back or rehome him. With the move and transitioning and my anxiety, it was not the right time for another dog and none of us were willing to watch him and I was right all along about crating him. It is not cruel to crate a animal. You are supposed to do it when house training them. Then when un crate them, you are supposed to watch them and if you can’t watch them, you crate them and you take them outside. If they don’t go, you keep them in there until they do go and give them a treat within 3 seconds after going. I find this all out this year when I looked online about why some dogs prefer to go in the house. Now I think people could have been right all along and that he was just an innocent animal and he could have been confused. He came from a pet shop so he had always peed inside so he had it backwards with his toilet.

The best daddy I have

It’s father’s Day again. My daddy is very good to me. He accepts me and doesn’t judge me and he isn’t critical.

I can remember when I was in a relationship with Jerry. I felt totally different in it. I had lot of anxiety, depression and I can remember wandering around the mall in Medford, Oregon with his son and him and his son were having fun and bonding and I was there with them but I felt left out and ignored. I just ignored that feeling because it was his child so he was just spending time with him and it was his right. I was also walking like a zombie because I could not show my emotions and happiness or otherwise he will just ignore me and get mad because he found them to be too childish so it made him feel he was with a child than with an adult so he ignored me whenever he felt that way. So to improve things between us, I wouldn’t show my mood. I was more adult that way because I wasn’t acting childish for him. I had no idea how much weight I had on me with him and how much anxiety he was giving me and how much he was dragging me down with my self esteem and making it low and changing my perception of myself. I just assumed I was being needy and I never told him my feelings because I knew he wouldn’t care and there wouldn’t have been a change. I was just accepting him. I also could never say anything right without him adding to what I say (twisting my words and taking things the wrong way) and he was always crying when I would say things. Other times I would not even be aware until he told me.

Then I met my husband and he never judged me or got upset with me for being happy and showing it and he found it all cute. He didn’t mind what shows I watched or what movies and games I had or what I wore or what I had. He even gave me two trash brags of unopened Happy Meal toys because someone he knew was cleaning out their attic or something and she had a bunch of those and was giving stuff away and she was going to get rid of them so she gave them to my husband when he took them. Jerry would have never done a thing like that. It would have bee too childish for him and he wouldn’t support it even though they are collectibles and people do collect those things but he would probably think they’re idiots. He told me people are idiots for wearing childish looking clothes unless they have a disability. Or he would think they were pedophiles because he thought people liking childish things made them pedos and he would even project that thinking on others because he assumed people would think he is if he acted too childish or liked things that were too childish. He was over compensating so he took it out on me.

I also am not ignored after having two kids with him nor do I feel ignored. I bet that was just the beginning when I was with Jerry because he gave us both attention when I was visiting him and we drove to California to get his son and he still talked to me on the phone every night when I went back home to Montana. But in February, it was all different. I am sure it would have kept on being that way if we stayed together and what if he had gotten custody of him, it would still be ignore ignore. I just figured then because he only got to see his kid four times a year, he had to spend as much time with him as possible and I am living with him so he sees me 24/7. Last time I was just visiting to he was doing the same to me, spending much time with me as possible. So I kept that feeling to myself and ignored it thinking I was being too selfish and needy.

I can be myself without feeling punished or that I will upset Daddy or make him mad. I can also talk to him about my feelings and whatever is bothering me and he doesn’t get mad at me for having anxiety like Jerry did. The worst he ever said to me about it was “Sometimes I think you just let yourself have anxiety just to get your way.” Daddy never thought that about me nor ever said it. He knew no one likes having it and no one likes having a meltdown. But he still finds them cute or get turned on because they look like a toddler having a tantrum.

I feel no weight on me either and the day I found out I was no longer in a relationship with Jerry, my whole body felt light. I did not realize how much pressure I had on me. That was how bad the anxiety was. The feeling of feeling single and left out, ignored, him ignoring my calls and IMs and excluding me like he is single and I wanted to break up with him but couldn’t because he wouldn’t answer his phone and we never went out. He never visited me or took me out. We only went out once and I took him to a movie, he picked me up and took me to a theater to see a movie we both wanted to see, Are We Done Yet. It was after I had gotten a new job finally after moving there. I should have broken up with him there but didn’t because I didn’t want to upset him and make him more depressed but I realize his feelings should not have been my concern. If he takes a gun to his head and shoots himself because I had dumped him, it wouldn’t have been my fault. I am sure he wouldn’t have cared if I dumped him but I didn’t know that then. But it felt so asshat to go out on a date and then dump them after the movie so I didn’t do it. Sometimes I do wonder if he did this just to stress me out and it was a game he was playing. But his excuse was he was “busy.” But then all this anxiety was removed when my mom told me he had moved on, he doesn’t want me, I am no longer in a relationship and sometimes people just ignore your calls when they dump you because they don’t want to hurt your feelings when they want to break up with you so they ignore you. This was the best news ever. I was free. I think I threw a celebration about it online but I can’t remember the title and I tried to look for it by doing a search but no such luck. But I was finally able to move on and not feel like I was cheating. I refused to see I was dating because I was just going out meeting diaper guys and we were not having sex or even kissing so it was not a date, we were just going out as friends. But I could not move on and get a new bf because I was not single and it would have been cheating if I had done that. I was trapped in a relationship I could not get out of. Then after being released from it, I was in another relationship within two months with my Daddy after we had met after a month after three weeks of talking online before we met up in real life.

My Daddy also never cried and he used to open his mouth a lot like my youngest brother used to or a girl at my school who was the little sister of a boy in my 5th grade class. But then he stopped doing it because he got used to me. He was always shocked at things I would say but he never twisted them or took them the wrong way. I didn’t even have to feel I would have to walk on eggshells without hurting his feelings.

He also sees me as me and the adult me no matter how I act. He isn’t embarrassed about me or critical and he never gives me a hard time about what I do and what I like and he doesn’t make a big deal about it like Jerry did. Happy Father’s day.

Disgusting Things You Have To Do As a Parent, cleaning up shit

My brother came over yesterday and brought his sons over so my son and his both played outside together. Then my son came inside with poop on his legs and I had to clean it up and then my nephew came inside with poop on him too. My son had pooped outside near the swing set so I had him show me. It was three big poops he did and he said he couldn’t hold it. I had to find a shovel to move it in the weeds so it won’t be stepped on and there was poop on my daughter’s exercauser and poop on the toy Haley Davidson bike. Mom washed the toy while I washed the shit off the wheel off the Harley Davidson bike. Then I had to move the shit off the lawn and I used a mini shovel and I tossed the poop in the back in the weeds.

Avoiding an argument with an idiot

One mother father online posted about her son being violent and a danger to himself and a hazard in the household so he was in a psychiatric care faculty. Lot of parents were okay with that while lot of people on the autism spectrum are not and I am in the minority of them who is fine with violent kids being hospitalized. Safety for everyone else and no one will be harmed by them. One guy who was against it claimed to be diagnosed with autism and was hospitalized himself so he was obviously an abuser and now he is mad at his parents for sending him away when he was a child. My mom threatened to send me away once when I was 16 and I do not resent her for that. I did feel hurt and betrayed then and angry about it then that my mom would actually get rid of her own child so I started to target my anger at Frankie instead and started hating violent kids instead. Now I know safety does come first and abuse is not okay. But that threat did cure me from the behavior because I didn’t want to be sent away so I had to stop being abusive or I am no longer welcome at home. Well anyway I told the guy online he was sick and told him about Frankie and he called me a liar calling it a made up anecdote and said it was unrelated to the OP. Yep some people don’t think a kid can fracture bones and be so mean to their mother and throw axes at people. Good to know I am crazy like my aunt who is a schizophrenic lol. But I didn’t bother arguing with him because he was obviously an idiot. I know violent kids is a “trigger” for me because I always get upset and wound up and angry when anyone is okay with children being abusive and judging parents for sending them away and hate anyone who murders or attempts to kill their abusive child. Perhaps I should avoid those topics from now on. I think it’s child abuse to keep a violent kid at home and deny other kids a safe environment. If I had to grow up with an abusive sibling, I think I would have been abusive back towards them in self defense and to defend the abused victims in my home. If they were bigger than me by then, then I would be defenseless. Or I would call CPS if I knew how as a kid or tell everyone about it since back then I didn’t have a filter and wouldn’t know these things are not talked about. That was how I got my school counselor in 6th grade busted. My mom told me he was fired and lost his job and can no longer teach with kids and he had child porn on his computer. I was stunned and I found this out just this year and Mom never tells me. She told me she had no reason for me to know, it was in the past and done with. He was actually a predator and some teachers found him to be creepy and he would make inappropriate comments to me according to my mother and I would go to my therapist about his comments because they would mess me up and confuse me and it was making her job harder because she would have to spend half of her sessions undoing the damage and told my mother finally that she should go to a couple of my sessions to observe how he does his job. So she goes and she sees how he kept staring at my boobs and made a lude gesture and he looked at her boobs. My mom goes to the school principal and tells her and she doesn’t believe her because she saw my mom as someone who saw her girl in roses. So at my next session my mom tells my therapist and she decides to write a letter to the state of Washington and got my mom’s permission to use me as the case for it so she did and they investigated but it took them a year to do it and he was fired after we moved. My mom found that all out of the update when she went back and visit and she heard from our old neighbors and it was even in the paper. My mom said I didn’t do anything, it was my therapist who did by telling my mother to go observe and then writing a letter. I feel i caused it because if it weren’t for my confusion and nativity, I didn’t keep my mouth shut because I always asked a bunch of questions so everything made sense to me so he was caught. I am not sorry for what happened. I was also not traumatized because I didn’t know what was going on, I was too innocent and my mom didn’t tell me about it because I was better off not knowing. Why tell a kid something and then traumatize them with the truth? Sometimes a kid is better off not knowing. I guess my mom decided it was long ago enough to tell me and not have it affect me. No he never touched me so I told my mom that so she knew. Unfortunately this was back in 1998 so the story would be too old to be found online about him being fired and all and child porn being found on his PC. But I am sure if I went to the library, they might have old local newspapers here from that year. I even did a search on his name and all I found were a bunch of guys with the same name. I couldn’t find any info on him.

Now back to topic, what if Frankie fracturing other kids bones was one of his pathological lies but who knows, he was a pathological liar. But I do know he threw an ax at my brothers and their friends because they told me and my mom told me too and she told me he was hospitalized after he got back home. I also heard some stories about him from my first boyfriend who happened to know him because they both attended the special school. He told me what a bastard Frankie was so we both shared stories about him and my ex told me how Frankie would bully him and try and attack him so my ex would pick him up and toss him on the ground. I don’t know if my ex was exaggerating that or not but I have a image in my head that he picks him up and lifts him in the air and threw him on the ground. He probably picked him up and pushed him away a little bit but not enough to hurt him. I would find it hard to believe he would be able to pick up a ten year old and hold him like that and throw him. But I always repeat his exact words when I talk about him. It’s up to the readers to decide if that is an exaggeration or not because those are not my words, they’re his so they would basically be saying my ex was, not me.

But I regret knowing Frankie. I should have never had him come back after he told me about breaking other kids bones and I wish my mom and his father never hooked us up. My mom says he was a sweet boy when we first knew him but then shortly after puberty hit and his hormones changed so he was more violent but he was kicked out of his school at age nine and started going to that special school so he had to be violent then already and back then he was painting himself as the victim saying how other kids are mean to him and stuff so he fought back. He said his parents took him out but his mom told me they said he couldn’t attend there any longer. He also told me how my brothers were being mean to him and I would get mad at them and he would always thank me for defending him and then when he went camping with my brothers, my dad got a phone call and he had to come and get him and bring him back and he told me how my brothers and their friends were mean to him. Turns out he was the bully and he was chopping up my parents hammock and thy tried to stop him so he threw an ax at them and did it several times so they couldn’t stop him. He lied to me about all that. I was so pissed when I found out months later after the incident and it was around May 2002 and this took place back in August of 2001. I also felt betrayed he lied to me and made up a lot of stuff and I felt he took advantage of me but my mom told me he did not because he does this to everyone, he lies to everyone and tells tales. I sometimes wonder if he was a psychopath. He was manipulative too. But this was a rare situation we had to encounter. I have tried to look up the statistics about chances of having a kid that turns out to be violent but instead child abuse result pop up as if it can’t tell the different between child abuse and kids being the abusers. You have a higher chance of being beaten to death by a random stranger in the streets than being killed by a family member. Dr. Phil said Issy is the ten percent of autism and she could have killed her mother too so Kelli was also in that rare situation when the higher chances are she can be beaten in the streets by a random stranger. I would assume this statistic would fall with violent kids too because they can kill you with their abuse when they get stronger. What if Frankie had killed my brothers with the ax. Oh boy. I look back and realize we had all put ourselves in a dangerous situation so he was no longer welcome at our house. He just got too violent.

Damn anxiety has returned

I have knots in my chest again and it feels like someone is grabbing my heart and squeezing it with their hand. It all started when I was coming home and I got stuck on the train at a stop because of some emergency happened. So we had to wait twenty minutes and then we were moving and then we were stuck at the transit center and then we moved again and I saw a couple police cars on the side and then I got home and my mom was in bed. My anxiety gets worse because she had told me two times already she would help me with the TSA thing and she told me I had to fill out some application and go online for it. I was told at the airport to call the number one week in advance before take off but I don’t remember any application thing. So I have had anxiety all evening long and been in a bad mood and snappy and short tempered. I decided I will just call the damn number tomorrow first thing I get up and try and do this myself because my parents leave Friday so I am not relying on her tomorrow night because she might beak her promise again. I think this is the last time I ever book a trip and I will just skip family weddings and stuff if they are too far and I better stick with local traveling than airlines. Too much stress and it makes me literally sick. I have flown alone once and bought my own ticket once but that was before I met my husband and I didn’t have kids then so it wasn’t much. I didn’t even need luggage, only my bag and that was it. Plus my aunt was with me and she guided me through printing off my ticket and on the way home, my parents were with me and I went home with a suitcase because they had brought me more clothes and stuff and I had to pay 25 bucks because it was above the weight limit. But this time I am traveling with kids and my husband who has a disability and I am on my own so things are different. I did not realize it would be this stressful. I am reminded why I do not plan trips and go on them. As much as I hate making phone calls and talking on them, I have to do it this time but I have to wait until morning when it’s daylight and it better not be hard. My husband said he will help me with it.

Weight on my chest

They almost feel like chest pains. My anxiety had been getting worse and worse so I couldn’t stop screaming at my kids and anything they do would make me tense. The whining, the screaming, touching my stuff or touching things that are not hers, so I find myself yelling “no’ often like she is a dog. I can’t just shut myself in my room and be alone because I have kids. Yesterday I was screaming at my husband and I felt like a out of control woman you would see on the Dr. Phil show when you see a movie of someone screaming and they look like a crazy person. We had people coming over and I knew that was going to make me more anxious because that means more demands, more chaos, more noise, and I wouldn’t be able to relax so that will make my anxiety worse and I was worried about having a freak out. Luckily my husband let me stay in my room and didn’t bother me and he took care of the kids because he couldn’t deal with me. He had also noticed it had been getting worse and worse and to him it looked like me acting like a little kid. I was hating myself and how worse my anxiety was getting and it was like I couldn’t get a break because my anxiety would come back fast over a few things my kids would do rather it was not listening, talking in a whiny vice, touching my things, my daughter crying and not stopping and not stopping her fussing either, then them doing sibling rivalry.

So I stayed in my room while everyone was outside visiting and then I had my daughter only and taking care of one kid was enough, two was too much for me. Then I finally came outside when I heard my parents were home because I heard their voices. I came out and sat outside and my mom asked me how my day had been. I decided to be honest and answer it literally so I told her it had been very stressful and she asked me why. I told her my anxiety had been getting worse and worse and I can’t take it anymore because I hate yelling at my kids and I have no patience because anything tiny bothers me and puts me in intense mood. My mom then told me what was causing all of it was the unknown of going to the airport when we take off. I don’t know what to expect like what to do when we get there, how will we get through security, what do we need to pack or check on, what time to get there. My husband thought it was money that was causing it but my mom said no it was the unknown because I bought the tickets, I knew how much we spent and I chose to spend that much so she said today we would go to the airport and see where to get off at, where to go and get our questions answered. Then I started to feel better and I noticed the anxiety was gone.

Today we went to the airport around ten and we found short term parking and found where we would have to get off and unload the car and we went inside and talked to one of the security at the checkpoint where people put their bags in the machine and walk though this machine and they gave us a card to call and they said they do good accommodating people with disabilities and they can lead us through it ad they would be waiting for us when we get there and we also talked to one of the guys at the checkout for American Airlines and I found out car seats and strollers were free to check on and he said that when we get up to the counter, just tell them we need someone to assist us because of my husband’s disability and my mom was able to remember the verbal instructions so I wrote them down when she repeated them to me. Then I felt so much better and didn’t feel any anxiety anymore and I didn’t feel so irritable. Then we went to target and bought a new stroller for the trip and it’s smaller and not a hummer and it will give us more room in the trunk.

My son went with us and I saw how he will get in the airport because he got bored and he also didn’t like waiting so I got to see what behavior to expect from my kid. My husband also noticed how much better I am acting and I wasn’t yelling at my kids anymore. I love my mother. She still helps me and she still has to tell me why I am having anxiety because I have no clue why it’s happening and what is causing it, all I know is it has gotten worse and I don’t know why. Sometimes I do know. My dad doesn’t understand it because he will say things like “relax” “You are getting upset over nothing” “Just roll with the punches” “You’re getting excited” and he will think I am over reacting and act like my feelings are nothing and my fears and my ex’s didn’t understand it either and I think it was easier for my ex’s to just think I used it as an excuse so they wouldn’t have to be responsible for my anxiety or do anything to lesson it and so they wouldn’t have to support me or help me out because it was just too much for them even though they had it themselves. It was a cop out to think that way. Which is why we were incompatible. I am lucky to have a husband who understands.

Getting used to it

Last night I went in my mom’ bedroom to tell her I was going to bed and we’ll talk tomorrow but I saw she was in bed reading. I was surprised. She thought I was sleeping so she didn’t come in my room. I got on her bed and sat next to her and she said “Go change your diaper and then come back?” and I asked why and she said “You smell like pee and I don’t like that smell.” So I left her room and got undressed and took the diaper off. It could hold more but I had it on since two so it was time to change anyway. I showered so I could wash my back and chest and face to avoid pimples. I also washed my hair and skipped the shaving. Then I dried off and put my pajamas on again including a fresh diaper. Then we talked. We discussed our upcoming yard sale and how to get it organized but we would have to wait until my brother gets all his stuff out of the garage first. We have tons of stuff we want to sell and I will put the ad on Craigslist and put up signs at the intersection and put it on our mail box or pole. We also talked about our dogs we used to have and my brother’s Shih Tzu and I discovered he had peed in our house before, the dining room, rug and floor which is why he is outside often. My mom laughed when I told her I didn’t want to live another Squeaky life and live that lifestyle again. Neither of us liked that dog and she didn’t like any of the other dogs except Pepper and Huckleberry Hound. My cat quit being litterbox trained when she was around eight so I started to keep her outside because she would pee or poop in the house. She was peeing in my parents attic after I moved out of state so they started to keep her outside all the time. Then Mom wanted to go back to reading so I went back to my room and went to bed.

The next morning I went in the bathroom to weigh myself and I only left the diaper on which is about a pound because it had pee in it. Then the door opened and I asked who it was and it was only Mom so good thing I didn’t push it close thinking it was my son. I used my pants to cover my diaper and she said ‘You don’t need to be embarrassed” so I uncovered it and it was awkward. I had my arms in front of my diaper and then Mom said “let me see what style you have on” and I uncovered and she saw it and said nothing. I waited until she was gone and then I weighed myself and got dressed again and went back downstairs. I looked dry in the front so she didn’t see I was wet.

The security scan at work

Yesterday when I went to work, I walked into the building and saw a security guy standing with a man and he had his shoes off and he was taking off his belt. I could tell he was angry because he said “This is bullshit” and started saying how this was all ridiculous that they are treating him this way. The security woman behind the desk said “we don’t make the rules.” I wanted to stay around and watch the scene because it was so interesting and I was curious what was going to happen so I kept on walking through the lobby and sat down in the chair with my book and I had 25 minutes left till my shift started. The man yelled at the security saying how bullshit this all is and he had a pointed nose like Dustin Hoffman and sort of looked like him and then when he got his stuff on again, he passed by me and he looked awkward and he walked into some huge room down the hall.

I have seen people angry online about security and going through the scan and I have never had to take my shoes off there or anything else. I didn’t have to go through it because I had my badge with me. I always keep it clipped to my shirt. But it was one interesting scene and there was no violence. I always get nervous when I see conflicts because i don’t even know if the person will lash out but this time I didn’t feel nervous. Probably because they are security and are trained to fight if they have to so if he dared to laid a hand on them, they would probably tackle him to the floor and call for help.

When we fly at the end of the month, I want to arrive there a little earlier for in case we all get pulled aside and they have to look through our stuff and open things and have us take off our shoes and they might want my husband to remove his braces because he has medal on them that holds the laces and it takes him about a half hour to put them both on.