Ouch my butt

I took my kids for a free swim the other day because my son has been wanting to go swimming. I took both kids there and I parked on the street in a neighborhood and walked there because their parking lot is full and last time we were there, we got lucky there was only one parking space left. I didn’t really want to go in there again and not find a parking spot so I parked in a nearby neighborhood.

I wasn’t planning on swimming but it turned out I had to be in the pool anyway because their rule is a child under 48 inches has to be with an adult and my daughter is just under it. They actually measure small kids in the line to see if they are tall enough or not to swim alone and then they put a bracelet on them and they put it on the parent too. Good thing I did bring my swimming suit and 3 towels.

I had to throw my diaper away I had on and I had it on since last night and it was barely used. Since I change once a day anyway, it wasn’t really a waste.

I went diaperless and used my continent privilege. If I were incontinent, we would have had to go home and my kids would have been so disappointed.

My son played by himself and found some random boys to play with and they did water basketball. My daughter spent most of her time going down the little slide and I swam with her. But when I sat on the bottom of the pool, I sat on something hard and it was not comfortable. I wondered what was I sitting on and I felt down there and the surface was flat and I felt where the pain was coming from and I felt some hard bones down there on my bottom. Ouch, did I really lose this much weight it now hurts to sit on hard surfaces? I am always wearing diapers so I already have padding and I sit in soft chairs mostly. I sat in a hard chair at Barnes & Noble and felt no pain but that is because I have on a diaper so that gives me padding. I could feel my butt bones in my butt and it felt very weird. They were sore for the rest of the day from sitting on them. I am always joking about if I lose more weight, I would have to carry a pillow with me everywhere, I guess I don’t have to because I have on a cushion already, my diaper. Hey another advantage here to wearing diapers.

Finally pooped in public

Yesterday I was going through some junk on the table we use as a computer desk. I toss things in recycling after going through it and I find Summer Free For All flyer book. I had forgotten about it I picked up at the library or at Barnes & Noble. I look inside it and see when places do free swimming, doing free lunches, etc. closest to our house. I decided to take the kids to one of the nearest parks. But I had to take my husband to the store first. He had to get more weed. He smokes it for his feet pain. I remember when he first started smoking it and I wasn’t thrilled. I didn’t like the smell for one and I didn’t want to smell it in our apartment and smell like it. Plus it was illegal back then and he was committing a crime and doing a drug and I thought he was going to become a drug addict. And I thought he was going to fry his brains and I didn’t want a incompetent husband now.

Since he was going to get weed, I would mind as well get a Red Bull. The store we stopped at didn’t have milk that is right next to the dispensary place so we had to go to the grocery store which took us longer.

Ever since weed has been legalized, dispensary places had popped up all over but it also gave us more money to splurge because it made it cheaper. I did vote for that to be legalized for the sake of my husband and I wasn’t surprised it passed.

But anyway my husband disagrees Red Bulls make you poop because he said it didn’t have the same stuff coffee has and coffee makes you poop. I asked him if he thinks it’s a coincidence then I have always pooped after drinking it and he said it might be what it does to my stomach so it gives me a bowel movement. He thought maybe I should go to a doctor for it and I said I was fine with pooping after a Red Bull. I will just have one if I hadn’t pooped in days.

So we come home and I am drinking my Red Bull and it’s a big 20 oz can. I always drink sugar free ones. I have 5 calorie drinks too my husband buys. I don’t really measure the drink when I pour it because it’s low calorie so I am not worried how many servings I put in my cup. I will not drink other drinks because of calories so I always stuck with water, now I have low calorie drinks. My Red Bulls range from 5 calorie to 20 calories depending on the size. Then boy do I always poop but not each time but most of the time. Then I am pooping again that day or daily and then I go days of not pooping.

I get home and I do my game first and take the kids to the park and I take my drink with. I also make sure I bring my rash cream and wipes since I was sure I might do a poop because I could already feel my body trying to make one. I knew there were not lot of people at the park because of how open it is. My phone was also half full because I didn’t keep it charged all night.

They had free lunch there and my daughter didn’t want any and my son was too picky to even want it. I told them they didn’t need to eat and they could just play instead. I have my drink while I watch them play and my son makes me go down the slide. I also take some photos of them and I finish my drink and soon my poop makes it’s way out and I just stand aside and away from everyone on the edge of the sidewalk and poop without even squatting. They had a restroom there and I looked at it first making sure it was open and I could actually change in there if I poop.

I pooped and I smelled nothing so I held off changing and kept peeing and deciding to just let all my pee come out first before I change. I didn’t sit down and refused to because I didn’t want to make a bigger mess and have a bigger mess to clean up and I pushed my daughter on the swing in my messy diaper and no one knew I had shat myself. I just carried on and took more photos and then soon I decided I better change before we leave because I don’t want to leak when I sit.

I changed in the restroom and had the diaper over my pants still and I still dribbled after I took it off. I even used the wipe and dumped the poo in the toilet because it looked like it was going to fall out of my diaper. I didn’t want it in my pants so I tossed it in the toilet. I cleaned myself up with my daughter calling me and I kept saying I was in the bathroom. I don’t ever say I am getting changed or changing my diaper.

I am not sure how long it took to clean up but the mess wasn’t bad and the poop was firm but wet from the pee. I didn’t really smell it either. I put on a fresh diaper but it was a Sun Mate and it doesn’t hold much but it holds better than Good Nurse. Plus it’s a lot thinner too and it sags when wet so not very comfortable but they are just used as temporary diaper until I change into something better. I knew I would change out of it before work.

I stuck my used diaper in the plastic bag and tossed it in the public trash can in the park that was right across the pathway from the restroom and I washed my hands. I didn’t pee again for the rest of the time I was at the park after changing. I hear you pee more when you are wet until you are into a fresh diaper, it’s a psychological thing.

No one noticed what I threw away and I got over what strangers may see or what they may think. I also didn’t bother tying the bag because it was an enclosed trash can where it has the hole on the side and a cover over the can to avoid any illegal dumping. But it doesn’t stop people from throwing their trash in there from their car or throwing trash away in there individually when illegal dumping. That means touching the garbage to throw it all way than tossing the whole bag in there.

My son was playing in the sand when I decided it was time to go and I was hungry anyway because I didn’t have a fork with me to eat my salad my husband had bought me. Lot of it was just lettuce with little meat and some cheese and tomato. I refuse to have any salad dressings because of calories and a salad can be 800 calories depending on how much dressing you use and what you put in it. But I will gladly have a salad as a meal and nothing else because it can be 300 calories or 480. I don’t worry about how many calories are in it if it doesn’t have too much stuff and no dressing.

So that was my day at the park and crapping myself in public and it didn’t smell. No toilets for me so this is what I am doing now. Always keep a diaper with me and wipes and rash cream, even if I had just changed because my body could decide to troll me. “You just changed into this diaper, I think I will make a bowel movement happen and you will now have to use the toilet or crap yourself and have a shitty time or risk getting constipated by holding it for too long.” So far that hasn’t happened yet except for at home but I would always use the toilet then to save on a diaper.

I also didn’t get a itchy pussy again so that means I didn’t get turned on that time changing it. Maybe it was because there were kids around and my brain didn’t want to get turned on because of kids even though I was in the restroom. Plus it was a public place with people. No orgasms either in the fresh diaper. Everything was just normal.

I guess I had crapped around grown ups finally even though they were not near me and were too busy with their kids. I still felt normal after I went. I did sniff down my shirt a few times and smelled nothing. I am pretty sure someone would have to be right next to me touching me to smell it or be in my butt but no one gets that close to a human when the place isn’t even crowded and there is too wide open space.

Everything has still been going good since not using any toilets and only use my diapers for everything since that is what 24/7 is all about. I remember predicting a few years ago that I would be doing everything in my diapers in another ten years and crapping in them any time. Back then I was still having trouble going in them and my poo was still too hard and I could only do it fine when it was real soft. Now I can do it with firm poop so I decided to try the next step, no toilets. Plus I haven’ noticed the smell much and only sometimes it will smell. I still wouldn’t want to poop in a crowded area or near someone in case it smells.

I did change into a fresh diaper before work because the other one leaked on me and I also pooped again when I got home. My husband didn’t notice the smell until I asked him and that was because he looked for it and got near me even though he was sitting next to me and he noticed it. But he didn’t noticed it before until I asked him. So there you have it folks, people are not going to notice the smell unless they know you crapped yourself. How will they not notice, keep it to yourself and just carry on what you are doing and no one will know.

Orgasm in my diaper

This doesn’t happen often where I have an orgasm. I don’t feel it and my body doesn’t react to it but I know I have one when I feel a cool breeze down there or when I feel wetness. It is not the same wetness as urine because urine feels different and plus the wetness doesn’t stay to my skin when I pee. But when I orgasm, it doesn’t absorb into the diaper and it stays on my skin so I feel wetness.

Last night I had to change before bed because I leaked a little in my Galatic diaper. I took it off right before bed and my private part itches so I scratch it with a baby wipe while cleaning myself up. My husband says it itches when I am turned on. So I guess I get turned on then changing my diaper. I only rub it because of the itch. I do the same with my bites too from spiders and mosquitoes.

I rub myself there with a wipe and then it is wrecked and I throw it away with the diaper and put on a Crinklz. It felt nice to be fresh again and after I crawled into bed, I was wet down there and I knew it wasn’t pee.

I pleasure myself in bed and enjoy the fresh diaper and thick diaper on me. I even feel the wetness going up my butt. Did I orgasm more?

I never feel myself squirting or climaxing. I looked it up on my phone and it said every woman experiences an orgasm differently and not every woman is going to feel it or know she had one. I also read each woman would have to try different things to make themselves have one and figure out what makes them have one. I don’t even try to make myself have one and don’t care for them.

I remember my mom telling me I have had one before as a young child and that was why I probably masturbated a lot. I wondered if it’s even possible for a pre puberty child to orgasm so I looked it up and I saw parents saying their toddler had one so I guess little kids can have one too. I don’t remember any wetness in my crotch as a young child but I remember masturbating and not understanding why my mom was calling it naughty and telling me to stop so it got me to be sneaky about it but she would always keep catching me because she would come in my room without knocking and tell me to stop. I would stop every time the door would open but she still knew what I was doing. Then I would pause and stop whenever I heard foot steps coming near the door so I would have more time to get my blanket out from between my legs and get out of bed. If I was already in bed for sleep, both legs would be under the covers. But I never got wetness down there. To this day, I still don’t get the big fuss about it because it wasn’t like I was doing it in the sun room or in public or in school. If you really don’t want to see your kid doing it, knock for god’s sake but my mom never learned lol. She used to hate feeling my diaper too but continued patting me down there. She was doing that before I even started wearing them. She didn’t stop until I was in my mid twenties. I guess she finally got the hint and it took her like 9 years for her to learn.

Funny story, when I was 15, I went in my parents bedroom without knocking, I saw my mom was on top of my father and I stopped midway while asking a question and I saw my mom’s hairy butt crack and I apologize and slam their door and run to my room. I was expecting to be screamed at but my parents were laughing. I sure hell learned to knock next time their door is closed. Why is it that I learned my lesson so quickly but not my mother? Mmmm. Even when she reasurred me they were not doing it and she was just sitting on top of him, I still learned my damn lesson. 12 years later, she tells me they were having it. I told her why did she lie about it then and she said I would have then start trying to catch them. Like she thinks I would want to see my parents having sex.

I stopped pleasuring myself when I grabbed my son’s llama he gave me to use. It’s soft and fluffy and more comfortable on my skin than my other stuffed animals. Then I felt back to normal again. I guess the llama was the off button for sexual.

Smelly room

I went up to my room to get my Toy Story 4 tickets to put in a code on the magicatmcd.com. Boy did my room smell like wet diapers. I thought the bucket was left open or something and then I saw my bag of used diapers on the floor still by my dresser. I was going to take them out sooner but forgot. So I grabbed the tickets and put a mint wrapper in the bag with the other used diapers and took it out to the garage. I didn’t want to go outside so I put the bag on the garage floor. Remembering what had happened last time when I didn’t tie it and it causing a little hilarious scene between my parents when my daughter was a baby, I tied the bag closed.

What was the hilarious scene, I wrote about it here once but can’t remember when it was posted and I am not going through dig through my blog posts to find it so I will retell it again. I know it happened in 2015 when I was 29 but can’t find that post.

My dad had went poopy in the bathroom. The garage door was open, and my parents were leaving to do something and the kitchen stank of poo. So my mom thought my dad needed a mercy flush so she had him flush the toilet again. He flushes it and the smell it still there. So my mom has him flush the toilet. The smell never leaves and they are both wondering why it stinks so bad and my mom thought that was one smelly poo my dad had done. Then my mom looks at the trash in the garage ready to be taken out and there is the bag full of my used diapers and one of them was popped open showing my messy diaper. Mom confronted me about it later in the day and she waited until the end that she saw my messy diaper popped open and it had poop in it and it was an adult diaper so she knows I did it. She tells me she didn’t want me to share any information with her and I told her I wasn’t and she goes “seeing your messy diaper is sharing information with me.” She wasn’t mad. She also said it was fresh. What she didn’t know was that diaper was from the night before and I had pooped in it and then changed later on. I guess poop will look fresh for a while.

So that is what happened when I didn’t tie the bag closed and one of the diapers popped open showing my parents what I did in that diaper. I do tie my bags most of the time when I take them out. Now hopefully my room won’t smell like wet diapers anymore when I go to bed. I do have a window open.

Pooping in my diaper by a building

Today I had felt a slight urge to do a bowel movement but it never came out yet. That urge had started to happen after I had changed out of a Crinklz and into a Galatic diaper.

We headed to the 4th of July barbecue and I see my in laws there and sister in law and my husband’s parents friends and their kids. They already had food out and made. I had a barbecue chicken and a little bit of potato salad and a hamburger with ketch up. I was going to have another barbecue chicken but decided to eat the hamburger first before putting another barbecue chicken on my plate. Good thing I did because I was full from all that food. I drink most of my Red Bull and look on my phone and did the last blog entry to rant, Then I headed to the thrift store. I walked of course. I figured it would help relax me after what happened and I go there every holiday anyway because they always do half off sale.

I look around while the the to poop came and went. I get a hand made Frozen pilow case for my daughter and I found a 90’s TY beanie with the TY tag on it and I found a pack of Tena underpads from another country. I get all three and I leave and the urge to poop came strong so I went outside and walked by the side of the building where the semi trailer is and I pooped.

Then I walked back and peed more in my diaper. I felt the back and I realized I had a lump in the back. I wondered if it was noticeable. I sniff down my shirt and didn’t smell anything. I even rub my butt and sniff my hand and nothing. I guess I didn’t stink so I walk back and I am not nervous at all. I had to walk by people when I got back and I grabbed my diaper bag and headed to the bathroom. I lock the door and I pull my shorts down and remove the diaper. The poop wasn’t too soft but it was light brown and ina ball. I still had to wipe my self clean and I used rash cream and put on a Bumooza. It was a lot thinner than the Galatic one and I could tell they had been unfolded and refolded so they were really fluffy and thick. I did buy some diapers from someone the other day all for $20 and it was 3 boxes. 1 full of cloth and layers and the other two of disposables.

I dumped my poop in the toilet to cut down the smell since I would be taking it with me. I flushed it down and wrapped the diaper up with used wipes in it and put it in a plastic bag and tied it and shoved it in my diaper bag. I put my other stuff back in it and zip it up and I take it out to the car and put the used diaper in the trunk and take out other stuff I didn’t want and leave it in the trunk.

Then I get back and few minutes later, I am told by my husband we were leaving. The music was too loud and my daughter wanted to leave and my husband wanted to leave too. So we left.

I felt “so much for changing” but then I realized I didn’t really waste a diaper and I got to experience changing a messy diaper away from home. But changing there wasn’t bad and no one asked me why I was bringing my bag into the bathroom there and why I was going out to the car with it.

I will say mission accomplished, I have been bringing wipes and rash cream with in my bag for if I poop. I didn’t really smell my poop until I took the diaper off. That diaper sure kept the smell contained and boy did it make the diaper bulge out.

I get home and I throw the bag in the trash can outside with the other trash. I also toss my empty Red Bull can with the other cans we keep in a bag we take to recycle them at we get money for.

And those under pads turned out to be like bed pads but were rectangular. They looked like underpads you put in your underwear on the package.

Stabbed in the heart

More Twitter rant here.

If you have been following my blog for 7 years, you probably know I hate passive aggression. I think I have also mentioned I also have anxiety.

Last night on Twitter, someone posted about how hard 4th of July is for them because of their PTSD. I asked about ear plugs and noise cancelling headphones.

I don’t get a response but I do get several likes so I assume everything is fine.

But today in early noon, I find a post by this person about PTSD and it’s about fireworks. I read it and realized the whole post was about me but it was guised as a general post and as awareness. She also had it tagged as ableism. I checked her profile and saw she had unfollowed me. I felt stabbed because instead of telling me why that solution wouldn’t work, she decided to make that post instead and made me out to be some bigot. First of all, she never said fireworks were illegal where she is. I also know people with PTSD that do stay inside and put on thick headphones and listen to music or watch TV. I was trying to be helpful and supportive and this is what I get? It just makes me not want to talk to people if I am going to be reminded what a horrible person I am because of my social skills. Once someone gets offended by me, I cease interaction with them. I don’t know what else will offend them so I just drop them. I unfollowed her since I would no longer interact and I blocked her too not too long later.

I talked to my husband about it so he would know why I was in a bad mood. Interent stuff again because I had offended someone by mistake and instead of telling me what I said wrong, she had to be passive aggressive about it and unfollow me. I am not going to get offended if you tell me what I do wrong if you aren’t salty about it or mean about it or have some attitude and aren’t passive aggressive about it.

My husband thinks I did nothing wrong and it’s her problem and not mine. I was just trying to be helpful and she took it wrong. I am trying to forget about it and my husband said he doesn’t care when he offends people and it happens to him too. He will never see them again. I decided to forget her and he said “yeah forget her, you will never meet her.”

Maybe I did nothing wrong. How am I supposed to know since other PTSD people have used that stuff, even autistic people use them too for in public to avoid sensory overload. I dont think I have seen any of them scream “ableism” whenever someone suggested noise cancelling headphones. But she decided to take my question and turn it into something else.

I don’t normally block people on twitter but this time I did because she had stabbed me and I didn’t want to deal with her if she sees my rant on there too.

My anxiety just makes me not want to talk to people because I could offend them with my social skills and then they will block me or ignore me because of something I said and it makes me feel terrible. Then when I finally get myself out there, something like this happens and I am reminded again why I have anxiety and reminded how bad I am at socializing. I have messed up a lot and been singled out and rejected. I have also been stabbed in the back too. Now it just makes me angry so I have the “fuck you” attitude. So sick of this bullshit.

Edit 7/5/19

After getting support on Adisc, Heidi, my friend from Daily Diapers, my husband, I have come to realize this was not a social and communication issue on my end and it was just the other person with the problem. I still think I made the right choice in blocking her. I wouldn’t have realized I did nothing wrong if it weren’t for me posting about it. Some people really do suck.

Getting treated like a child by your own mother

My daughter was eager to do ABC Mouse because her grandma told her she can have ice cream if she does that game. My mom said my son can have his if he finishes his homework. I wanted one too so I asked as a joke what I need to do to get one. My mom took my joke seriously and said I needed to work out first and eat real food. She also said I was getting too skinny because my bones are showing on my back. Then she said I needed to eat real food and then I get ice cream.

My husband cooked me up a chicken pot pie and gave it to me in a bowl on s small plate with fork and napkin.

I ate the top first and peel it off and peeled off the edges. I slowly ate in the middle until it was all gone and then I licked the inside and scraped the pie out with my teeth my fork wouldn’t pick up. I wasn’t even hungry so it made me eat it very slow and I had a fudge cookie with nuts this morning. My mom didn’t call it real food.

I put my plate in the kitchen and tossed out the chicken pot pie bowl and napkin and had an ice cream cone. There were only two left so I took them both out and left one in the freezer and threw the box in the recycling.

I feel my mom treats me as a child sometimes. She will tell me to go to bed, has threatened to take my game away, I still get sent to my room as an adult to calm down when I have an episode, still get told how to eat. One time I was told if I take my dirty diapers out, I will get Dairy Queen while my kids got theirs from hard work I forget what. But lot of times I have my freedom and make my choices without my mom interfering.

After my work out, I was back downstairs again and I check my game again. My mom asked me if I had worked out and I said yeah. Then she told me where the ice cream is so I told her I had one already. She then seemed surprised because she asked me when and I told her “before I worked out.” She then called me a stinker. Me and my sweet tooth. Then she said she did say I needed to eat real food first and I did so I got my ice cream. I was going to work out anyway so I had the ice cream first.

It’s been 4 hours now when I last ate and my tummy is screaming for food. But I am at work. I don’t eat till I get home besides eating chocolate at work I see but I don’t eat lot of it. Same as for any sweets I find customers leave out for anyone to have.