Wow, what a trip

I wore diapers off and on on the trip because I swam, well not really, I hate swimming, if I go in the water, I prefer it’s real hot out and if we go boating or going on water slides. I suppose I could just swim for exercise.

I brought size 6 diapers with and while I can get them on, the front sides rip off like a half hour later because I think they are not made for tabs to go there and they are made for the caretaker to grip onto while putting the diaper on the child. But if I force the tabs to go on the actual diaper, the side on the left eventually rips. I also have to use mailing tape to keep it on and the tabs leave marks on my skin so I want to try a size 7. Last time I tried size 7 Cruisers, that was 11 years ago and they barely fit me then so the sides dug into my side and one of the tabs snapped one time. I didn’t like them so I gave them away on craigslist. I remember leaving them on the front stoop of my aunt and uncle’s house where I lived then and told the person in email who wanted them that I had left them on the front stoop behind the rocking chair next to the front door. When I got back, they were gone so I assume that person got them. They were given to me by a guy I dated once for one day so I gave them away since I paid nothing for them. He was a nice guy and pretty wealthy but I didn’t like his road rage and I wasn’t impressed so I never went out with him again. Not something I wanted my future kids to be exposed to. But now that I have lost weight, I want to try them again.

The size 6 diapers fit me like bikini underwear do and they fit me how my swim bottoms fit. I wore the diaper under it a couple times. I like how snug they feel on me but sadly the padding does not go all the way up the back so I am not impressed there and I am a big wetter so those wouldn’t hold me all day. I did wear them out in public under Tru Fit and used them and then I leaked a little and changed. I got the whole entire padding wet. I am average build so it’s not like I am too fat, my BMi is 18 so I am very close to being underweight and I am not sure if I had lost more unintentionally. I saw bones sticking out of my back and mostly my back bone and the fact how well I can feel it sticking out it’s no wonder my parents made a comment about me being too skinny and that I needed to put some weight on. My back doesn’t look quite like an anorexic, I can see my bones if I stretch my back but just standing normal without a stretch, they are not seen and I can barely see my other bones. I did eat a lot when I got home, mostly rice and I had one piece of steack and a couple McDonalds fries and two pieces of Hersey’s chocolate. Now I feel stuffed. I was starving and had been waiting to get home to eat. I called my husband when I stopped for gas and told him to start dinner at normal time so it will be ready when we get back. I did bring some food with, mostly pudding and I only had pudding and that was it. Plus a candy bar I bought at the gas station and my son shared some of his candy with me and my daughter shared some of her gummy worms. I am also 5 ‘7’ so I am not very short. I am taller than average and barely tall enough for model height. That will also affect how baby diapers fit because of my height. I think even XL pull ups for up to 125 lbs fit me higher but not as high as adult diapers. I can also fit into 5T pull ups but I didn’t like them because they don’t hold much. I think Goodnites would hold more than a 5T pull up. I am still trying to tone my butt up to make it smaller. That is where most of my body fat goes, into my butt and thighs. I am still trying to make those smaller too through work outs. I also still want to make my lower belly flatter.

I wore a Dotty the Pony Diaper on the way home because they hold a lot and I leaked a little because I had it on since last night so I changed at a gas station when my kids needed to go potty. I was in such a rush to get out of there, I didn’t bury the diaper well but it was rolled up. My daughter was with me and she didn’t really notice I had it in my hand and tossed it in the trash. She was too busy looking at the door. I just wanted to get home this day so I drove fast like most other cars about ten miles faster than the speed. I did get my daughter car sick because of all the curves in the mountains so that slowed us down a little because I had to clean her up.

I also bought Luvs in Montana because I thought I was going to use up the Cruisers but I didn’t. I wore the Dotty ones to Glacier Park and had it on all day because I knew there wouldn’t be lot of restrooms around so I wore that diaper to last me all day. I didn’t wear any diapers in the water this time because of how they swell and explode and the fact my swim suit wouldn’t hide the Dotty ones. I did wear the Pampers to bed once and decided never again because then I have to change in the middle of the night and the fact I wet big sometimes. I say they are good for heavy periods or of you are a dribbler than a big pee-er.

When I went and bought some Luvs at Wal Mart, they only had size 7 for Parents Choice but they only had them in cases, not packs. They were the cheapest but the box didn’t say if the sides were stretchy so I didn’t gamble. Then I saw the reviews online about them not being absorbent and many parents left negative comments about it on the Wal Mart website. The other diapers I saw there were either a size 5 or 6, no 7s. So me looking at Pampers trying to decide what different ones to get to try out was like me trying to figure out what diapers to get so I went with Luvs since the pack said the sides were stretchy. I didn’t see that with Pampers for the other kind but for the other pack and it was a size 5. I have no idea how the Luvs will hold and how they will fit.

I wonder if I could still get a size 6 on and how they would fit if I were 135 lbs or 130? I can barely get a size 6 on now because they are on the edges. They fit me like this:

Emma isn’t fat either and she also barely fits them. But I am a couple inches taller than her. But I think she has a better body than me. Her tummy is more fit than mine and my back legs are full of loose skin and cellulite and she doesn’t have any. I had let myself get 50 lbs heavier because I didn’t know any better and was not aware of how much weight I was putting on then because I was only 12 and my mom would say I just grew or that the outfit just shrunk than telling me I had put on weight and I just needed to eat less sweets and eat less portions during meals and drink more water than calorie drinks. But yet it’s so frowned upon to tell your kids the truth about their size so you have to lie to them by saying it just shrunk or that they grew. But luckily I figured that out on my own that I just simply needed to lose weight and wa lah, some of my old clothes were fitting me again. Then it was exciting to go clothes shopping again with my mother and buying smaller sizes and getting rid of clothes that got too big on me so it was the opposite when we went school shopping for clothes. I still wished my mom had just told me the truth but I can also understand why she would lie to me by using fatlogic. Like I say, it’s frowned upon to tell your kid the truth about their weight. It’s seen as shaming and being abusive and I see people make negative comments online about parents doing that to their kids. And here I am wishing “But I wish my mom did that to me, then it might have kept me from weighing more as a 7th grader. I would have taken food more seriously and healthy eating but I guess she didn’t want me to end up having an eating disorder.” But because of that, I now have to deal with all these stretchmarks and cellulite and loose skin around my butt and thighs so they will always look fat and I can’t get it surgically removed because it’s not bad enough. So I am trying to tone it hoping it will make it look good than ugly. My butt and hips is where most of my body fat goes so that is why those areas look bad like old lady skin because of weight loss. I am sure those areas looked better when I had on more weight. I wonder if parents are so worried about teens getting eating disorders, they don’t tell them the truth about their bodies, not because it’s frowned upon. Hey, I was a child so I didn’t know what I was doing and I didn’t know I was actually putting on weight so that was why I wished my mom had told me. She had no problems telling me I had breasts and a woman’s body but yet she couldn’t tell me about my size and the fact I had put on weight from eating too much and the fact the pills I was on was making me hungry all the time so my mind is tricking me? What kind of logic is this? Instead, it did the opposite and she wondered why I was so obsessed about my weight and saw myself bigger than I really am even after weight loss? Then I eventually had an eating disorder. Not telling me did the opposite. So either way can cause an eating disorder, it doesn’t matter what choice the parent makes. You can’t win as a parent because either way can cause damage and I bet not every child will end up with one if parents did one of the two. That makes me think I will not make the same mistake with my own children. I will be honest with them about it so they understand and can make the right choices and not end up with ugly skin after weight loss or lot of stretch marks. I will tell them about my experience so they understand where I am coming from and I don’t want them to make the same mistake as me because their own grandmother didn’t tell me.

I never thought baby diapers would fit me again because back then, they didn’t make stretchy sides so no baby diaper would fit me even when I was a skinny child and the largest size nearly fit me when I was ten. I could get one side fastened but not the other. Now with how they are made today, I bet I would have definitely fit into them easily. I fit into toddler pull ups well because of the stretchy sides but baby diapers didn’t have them then. By the time size 6 had came out, I was no longer skinny. But if they had came out the year before, I bet they might have fit me. I doubt the 1998 size 6 Pampers would fit me. They were made different then and lacked the stretchy sides. I think they were still making plastic backed diapers then too.