Why I don’t feel guilty

One of my online friends quoted a post from a thread where someone wrote I am enjoying the star lifestyle of their expenses and asked me if I felt guilty about it. Actually I don’t feel guilty.  My husband and I qualified and our kids qualified and the Social Security Administration were the ones that set us up for getting it for our kids. I at first wasn’t getting any for our son when he was an infant because I didn’t know about it and we didn’t need the money so it didn’t matter. I thought a kid needed to have a disability to get it. My parents never got it for me as a child but maybe because they made enough and my mom did her own therapy with me and she also worked as a teacher assistant to pay for my medicine and therapy and to pay for my dad’s prescription and the school district had great healthcare so she also took that job. She worked in the special ed room to see how the teachers worked with kids and how the system worked so she could figure out how to help me and what to do about a kid that lives in the moment. My dad made enough to pay for the home mortgage and everything else so that allowed my mom to work making minimum wage to pay our of pocket for my two therapies. How lucky is that for me?

But anyway I remember when my husband and I had an appointment with Social security and we brought our son with who was then a toddler.  The lady with the computer who was seeing us seemed surprised we were not getting any money for our child and I was like ‘he’s normal’ and she said she thought we qualified and she looked into it and said we did because I am on it (my husband wasn’t on it then yet) so she started to sign us up for it so we can start getting money and she went back for the months we should have gotten it but she could only go back for so much so we didn’t get all that money and I didn’t care. I didn’t need that money. But we got that money from the back months and the current month and we felt rich. About the same time my husband got on disability because he became disabled. He has always been disabled but him trying to also live a normal lifestyle and not let himself be disabled caused his body to go through a breakdown because of his feet condition. Plus add in the seizures and the anxiety he also has, that made it worse. So when the pain got bad, he started having more anxiety because of the pain and when he is anxious, he starts having seizures. When he isn’t anxious, he has no seizures so it’s like it also comes and goes. When he has seizures, he then can’t think straight and he zones out of the world or finds himself in strange places. His work let him go because of safety hazards and liability and they helped him get on Social Security and about the same time we started getting money for our son too. So our income changed a little because with our son’s money and his, that made up for the income we lost for his job loss so we weren’t getting that much more money in income and in fact it was a little less but we didn’t care. Then we had our daughter and we had to report that change to them because we added a new member to the family and she also qualified too so they also started giving us money for her. Every year we have to fill our a piece of paper from them about where the money goes to and how we spend it. Their money pays for our bills and my daughter’s money basically pays for her preschool and we only have her go three days a week for three hours because that is what we can afford and can budget. We use no headstart and it would be a hassle to try and do it because of all that paperwork and then you have to prove your income and it’s a big hassle and a pain in the butt and stressful. So that is a reason there to not feel guilty, I work, we pay for her school, we pay bills for a living just to keep a roof over our heads and to keep warm and so we have food and so I can get my kids to school and back and of course because I do work, I don’t need to feel guilty buying diapers and wearing them 24/7. If I lost my job, that would be $800 loss of our income and that would change lot of things like pulling my daughter out of her preschool, putting my son in the school closest to us that has a very low rating because it’s walking distance, cancelling Gamefly and Netflix and my parents would have to pay for the cable now and not have us pay for it too just because they want it, I would be back in cloth diapers (I never got rid of them because you never know what could happen), my husband would have to get rid of youtube red, and we would have to get rid of our high speed internet. It would do lot of changes and it would be very stressful. We are not rich and I never saw it as enjoying the star of a lifestyle just because we get all this “free” money. I see it as survival to live. Plus our son gets “free” school lunch and all you do is fill out a piece of paper and put in your income and things like if you are on any assistance like Social Security and put in that income and I put in my work income and that is it. They don’t ask for any documents or any work wages or proof of Social Security and you have to sign it saying everything you wrote is true and you understand there could be severe consequences for lying.

 

I look in my stats sometimes and I can see the links to websites for how my visitors or page viewers came to this blog and how they found it. I can click on those links and it shows the page. The most popular one so far has been 8ch.net in a thread called Diapered MILFS & GILFS (where my online friend got that quote and asked me if I feel guilty). I felt pretty thrilled to see my photos posted there because I don’t think I am that good looking and I always see a fat person in the photo, fat belly, fat legs, and I always look bigger in the photos and I have always had body image issues with myself to a point I would eat very little and had low potassium in me and my skin was very pail and to a point where I was constipated. I never liked getting my pictures taken after puberty because I always saw a fat girl so that is why there are not many teen photos of me as there were before puberty. Also someone said in that thread I am not that bad looking. Obviously that person has known me because they knew my face and said they would post it if they had a picture of me and they also said they remember seeing a photo of me on the old abdl story forum. So yes I can see what is being said about me on other websites thanks to the referrer links my stats shows. Only time I can’t see it is if it’s from a chat room or from personal email or on Facebook if the group is private or their profile or if I have someone blocked or they have me blocked. But at least they think I am good looking and not that bad looking. I used to worry sometimes about my photo appearing on r/fatpeoplehate so I was very careful about posting anything of myself on Reddit because what if someone thought I was fat and put it there. Then I was relieved when Reddit shut that place down. I would never try and get a place to shut down because that would be so hypocritical of me but if it gets shut down anyway, yay. If a website bothers me, I simply don’t go there so I didn’t go to fatpeoplehate because of what they were considering fat there, they were reposting photos of people there who didn’t even look fat so it all looked unhealthy to me to even be lurking there just to see all that drama and also fearing what if any of my photos end up there. I sure didn’t want to be there to see it so I didn’t visit that place.

So I can see what gets posted about me or about this blog when the link to my blog get posted. I also know the url is posted at ABKingdom because I have seen that url under referrers. Most of it is search engines so I know this blog is mostly found by doing a search and it shows also what people are searching for when they found this blog. I also know if any of my blog posts gets reblogged because this website notifies me about it and I also know it notifies you when someone posts a link to one of your blog posts to their WordPress blog. But just as long as the url to this blog isn’t posted, then I can’t see what someone has written about it on a forum or on their website.

Now back to “Apparently is enjoying the Star lifestyle at our expense.” I feel my life is rather dull and boring because there is nothing great about it. I wish I could do more than working minimum wage jobs. I used to feel ashamed being on Social Security and I wouldn’t even mention it here when I first started this blog because I felt ashamed about it and embarrassed. I still don’t mention I am on it in real life because I never know how someone might feel about it and I don’t say I have a disability. But now I feel less embarrassed by it so it’s easier to mention it now online. It used to even bother me if anyone called me autistic or used the word autism on me or saying I have it than Asperger’s but with everyone calling it autism now and using it to mean the spectrum and now they have merged it all together, I quit letting it bother me and now I use it as a category and it’s become just a label. I have also been called slow or retarded or close to being retarded and I quit letting those labels bother me. I have wondered if I am actually slow and not really that smart despite what my overall I score was tested at. My husband has reassured me I am not slow and he actually knew someone in his school who was slow and I was nowhere like him and not even close. But he talked about diapers so my husband avoided him because he didn’t want to be outed as liking them. We both think he was probably a ABDL because he always talked about diapers. Now fast forward years later, my husband happened to see him on the bus a few years ago and he had a guardian with him or a caregiver. I talked about diapers too when I was little but then I stopped and we moved so I had a fresh start and didn’t talk about them other than making jokes about it whenever someone whine about needing to take a pee but couldn’t go because our school was doing a lockdown. Then one of our teachers joked back she would bring in the Depends next time. I knew it was a joke because no one would wear a diaper or bring some in to offer for others to wear. That only happens in ABDL stories.

But do I feel guilty for collecting all this “free” money? Absolutely not. Why should I feel guilty for something I have no control over? I can be depressed about what I don’t have in life and what I wish I could be doing but I don’t. Instead I just choose to be happy with what I have and what I can do. Even in high school I felt ashamed of getting my work modified and getting extra help in school and I felt I didn’t deserve to be on the honor roll and getting good grades so I expected kids to just hate me for it but they didn’t. But what choice did I have, it was either take the help or fail high school and failing high school means tougher time getting a job and I wanted to get through high school and be independent and get a job. Do I feel guilty about it? No. It’s not like I chose to be that way and I did try to do it like everyone else but got all straight Fs instead because I never got it done because I couldn’t do it when I tried. That was the first year ever I had gotten an F because before that I would get Cs if I did it on my own. I mostly got B’s or C’s in elementary school. No straight A’s, only some A’s, and everything had check marks for needing improvement or emerging while my brothers had all pluses and I had comments like “doesn’t follow the rules” and “Has troubles with change and “turns work in late and doesn’t understand when homework is due” and “prefers to not do eye contact.” I don’t remember what else. Only positive thing I remember is when I kept reading in my report cards how I respond well to visual cues. I am very visual and a visual learner so I learned to read late and read chapter books later and it can take me longer to understand written things and following verbal directions.

I guess you could say I was an abliest against myself. I know it’s pressure from society to try harder and if you fail, you have to feel bad about it and guilty for being a burden, my husband has felt that way and so have I. At least I am not living in a group home or needing any caregivers or social workers. Something I never wanted and I didn’t want to live with my parents for the rest of my life being supported by them. I would work any job I can do because I want to be employed but yet if I was rich, I wouldn’t be working because I wouldn’t have to and there would be no shame and I guess I would definitely enjoy that star of a lifestyle. I would probably do temporary work here and there and do volunteering just for fun and go to more of my kids school things because I wouldn’t like to be sitting at home all the time. I get bored and start to feel depressed. I would also be doing traveling and investing our money for interest and live off of that. But my husband and I are not stupid to keep buying lottery tickets like some poor people are. Sometimes he will buy one just for fun and we usually win a little bit of cash or none at all. But it’s more acceptable to not work when you are rich than it is when you are disabled or poor or just normal income. You hear of welfare queens. My husband and I do not get food stamps or WIC because we don’t need it, we get enough to not need that help. Only things we do get are healthcare for our kids and we are both on Medicare which comes with Social Security. We also have insurance for his pills through Walgreens and dental insurance through a dental company but I think that is normal stuff. Not welfare stuff. I was pretty hesitant taking Social Security for my son.

I could have more kids just for the sake of “free” money but I am not that stupid and not a welfare queen and two kids is enough for me and what I can handle. Two is already hard. That is why I think there should be a limit on how many kids you can collect money for from Social security to keep people from abusing it.  I think the same about tax returns. There should be a limit on how many kids you can claim for taxes. I even got a IUD so I wouldn’t get pregnant and my husband has troubles cumming with a condom and he would want sex. He does not want an abortion if we have an accident. As you can probably tell, we talk about things because I would hate to do something only to find out he didn’t approve and then he is hurt by it or very upset.  I think it was my husband that has made me feel better about being on disability and my parents support it. I was so worried back then my mom would be so disappointed in me when I was signing up for it and I cringed walking into that office but back then I was just looking for survival while I was still trying to find employment again. I even walked into that place that employed people with disabilities and my husband talked me into going there after I have been refusing for months because I was trying to live this normal lifestyle and wanting to save all those jobs for those with disabilities than taking a job from them. But with no calls for interviews and unemployment had ran out and no longer being on SSI, I walked into that office and the Social Security Administration. I know life is also hard for people without disabilities too and they also are struggling to find employment so I wonder how they even live without any expenses. Then they see those with disabilities getting free housing or employment services and collecting “free money” so of course I can see why there would be resentment towards us and then viewing us as all lazy and not trying hard enough. I see the same thing with childfree about how they feel towards parents because they can get foodstamps easier and housing and if you have no kids and you are also struggling to survive, too bad, just have kids. Can’t afford health insurance, get knocked up. Then there are those who feel towards the poor because of free housing and low income and foodstamps and they have to work for all that and the poor don’t. All I see here is all jealousy and resentment so hence the judgmental attitudes. I think I totally understand.

I still wish I had a better lifestyle and made more money. I do volunteer sometimes at my kids schools. I want to be involved and know what is going on at their school. My husband does none of that because he can’t drive and he is always sleeping or on his computer and his feet are so bad now so he is in lot of pain so I feel I do most of the childcare and then he does it when I go to work but I know he just plants them in front of the TV and has them go play while he plays his games online and then he stops to give them a bath or to make them dinner or help our son with his homework because he does a better job at it than me and our son actually does it when he helps him with it but when I try, there is lot of fighting and arguing between us and him getting frustrated with me. So I am pretty busy myself and I also do the housework because I can’t stand clutter or messes and I get rewarded for it; being more active so that means burning more calories and that means staying thin than putting on a pound every few weeks or months which was what was happening before. So I can see how people can get fat in the first place but what I don’t understand is letting it keeping on happening. It’s logical to think ‘Okay I have put on another pound, not a big deal. Oh I have put on five pounds in the past two years, no big deal” then you see you have put on another pound so you would think “Oh crap, I am afraid this will keep on happening and it will be so gradual and before I know it, I am fat so I better so something about it now so a pound won’t keep piling on every few weeks or months.” So my solution to that was to join a gym and work out there and then I started to do it at home and also changed my eating habits and budget my sweets.

My husband will do the dishes and he makes dinner depending on if the pain in his feet are not that bad and he makes sure the mess is picked up from the kids because I don’t like coming home to a messy living room or seeing toys laying all over and I have to step over them or kick them out of the way.

Though I am worried I might lose my job soon but that is another story. My husband thinks it’s just a threat and it probably was since I have not been replaced yet nor told I am being replaced. He said they did the same to him.

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