When did I make peace with my ABDL side?

To be honest, I am not really sure. I never thought about it. I keep seeing this question popping up online and it’s been a difficult question for me to answer. Based on other responses, I am thinking maybe I started making peace with it when I decided to go buy my first pack of diapers when I was 17 and then buying a pack of two pacifiers later on and then a baby bottle later on. I remember how anxious I would feel when buying them and I lived in a small town then so everyone knew each other. Anything that happens, the whole town knows, even people you don’t know or never even met also know. That is life in small towns. When I was arrested one time because someone thought I took a video tape without paying, everyone in high school knew about it by Monday (I was arrested on a Friday) and even teachers knew too and kids in junior high and that gave me some fame for a few weeks and then it died down. I remember I did not want to go to school that day but my mom made me go. I thought I would have to transfer schools and my life was over but none of that happened. It turned out good and I was let home the day of the arrest than being put in a jail cell and held on bond and facing charges and going to juvenile court. My dad said to me that day “Well you always wanted to know what it was like being arrested and riding in the back of the police car, now you know what it’s like.”

I used to put Goodnites under my jacket and stuff but I got told online on a forum to not do that or else they could think I am shoplifting and how would I explain the diapers? So after that, I started to hid them under my coat in the shopping car. Then when I got a job and had my own debit card, I started to order diapers online and I didn’t have to worry about buying them in stores anymore. When I was 21 I decided to go 24/7 when I was living on my own and ordered a case of these brands called Pearls which came from Hong Kong. They looked a lot like baby diapers and had seagulls on them and they disappear when wet and they had a plastic landing. But I still didn’t feel comfortable wearing real diapers to work so it was always Goodnites and I used the toilet there if the diaper got too full. I even had more baby stuff then and I didn’t start buying AB clothes until I was 23 and I have a whole bin of them in the basement. When my kids saw them while I was looking at them, I told them they were Halloween costumes. I only wore most of them once because I am worried about wearing them out and wrecking them from washing them and drying and I often forget to hand wash things so it’s too much work to deal with so I keep them packed.

I also used to feel nervous if my bag had to get checked by a store clerk or security and them seeing the diapers in there and wipes. Now that feeling is gone and I remember the days when I would feel nervous changing in a public restroom and throwing the diaper away and now that feeling is gone. I realize lot of people don’t care what you are doing and don’t seem to take notice and this isn’t childhood where kids do pay attention and then make comments to you and get nosy and not let it go. I say it’s harder being a diaper lover and being into baby things as a teen and child than it is when you are an adult. When you are an adult, people are too busy with their lives to even care what you are doing and to even make a big deal about it and bother you about it so if they see a diaper or hear tapes being ripped off your diaper, they say nothing.

It has taken me years to get over changing in public restrooms and buying them in stores and not being so self conscious about them showing or if anyone is going to notice one in my purse but it all happened gradually it’s hard for me to say when I made peace with it. Did I make peace when I decided to act on it at age 17 or when I stopped feeling anxiety about it?

At work I still would not rather toss my diaper away at work where one of my co workers will see it if he or she empties out the trash and I don’t clean the restrooms anymore so it’s not like I am the only one cleaning that restroom so I take it with me and toss in the dumpster on the loading dock in a plastic bag tied up or I put it in my barrel with the other trash and empty it out and toss in the dumpster. Does that mean I still haven’t fully made peace with it?

I also wouldn’t wear one to my prenatal care appointments so did that mean i didn’t make full peace with it?

I still get my moments when I get nervous about changing and how to dispose my diaper and if I have to change at someone’s house which I had to do on the 4th of July, I took it with me and put it in the trunk of our car but I put it in my coat and carried it to hide it. I am not going to throw my used diaper away at someone’s house and have it be seen and then they know someone close to them wears them. In public restrooms I do because they get buried under trash and no one is going to know who that diaper belongs to and if someone catches me tossing it in there, they won’t see me again. I had to do that once at Burlington (formally Burlington Coat Factory) and the trash can was empty but I had no choice but to toss it in there and it was visible for anyone to see if they look down and it was a pink AC Amor diaper and there was another young woman at the sink doing her hair. It was either stay in the stall and wait or just get it over with and wash my hands and leave. Who knows how long she would have taken to finish her hair and she said nothing after I threw it away. There was no trash can in the stall and it wouldn’t have fit in the sanitary napkin holder.

I still don’t want the whole world to know about me wearing diapers so if I became famous somehow, I wouldn’t want to be open about wearing diapers. I don’t go around telling anyone I wear them and if I have to change, I just use the bathroom and ask where the bathroom is and everyone just assumes I have to use the toilet. I will even say I am using the bathroom and say I have to go to the bathroom. I just tel my kids I have to go change and kick them out of my room or yell at the to stay out while I am getting dressed. Change can mean change of clothes and I have changed my clothes when I would go work out. One time we were going somewhere and I get in the car and notice this awful stench and my husband gets to my face and says “You smell like pee really bad” so I say “I have to go get something so be right back” and I get out again and change in my room while my husband and kids wait. Does this mean I have not made full peace with it just because I won’t say “I need to change my diaper” and being all out with it and won’t walk around with a used diaper in my hand for everyone to see or make it so obvious I have one on and I haven’t started messing myself in public or walking in stores with a messy diaper on other than just jogging in one or doing it in a parking lot or on a sidewalk or at work when I got sick with very sharp tummy pains and had diarrhea and I would have ended up spending lot of my time in the bathroom if I kept going to the restroom there to try and go and not get my work done in time so I used my diaper and no one was around because everyone has gone home at the end of the day and us janitors clean alone. Then I got changed at work and threw the messy diaper away in the dumpster.

Or maybe I made peace with it when I stopped feeling sick and disgusted with myself about it. Hard for me to say when I made peace with it. This is a tough one.

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