This weekend my mother and I were working on giving my own kids their own rooms. I was moving to the basement to where my husband sleeps and I was getting my books off the shelf in my old bedroom when I found one of my diaries. I opened it and I had last written in it from 2007. I had written stuff in it about Jerry as I wondered. I didn’t write anything about his games or things he was doing that would indicate abuse because I was not aware of it then. But I did write about how I would have to change everything about me to be accepted by my ex. I would have to change my interests and everything and how I dress just to get him to stop feeling he was with a child instead of with an adult. I was always hurt in it and I could tell from my own writing I was very depressed and stressed in it and unhappy and dealing with lot of anxiety. I even wrote he owed me money, and I wrote how he would plan to take me somewhere like he was going to go to California to get his son again but then doesn’t keep up to date with me about when he will get me and stuff and I can’t even get a hold of him. I also wrote how my mother liked him and I didn’t want her to change her view about him so I was afraid to even talk to her about certain things. I also wrote in my diary about when he had that piece from Dish Network they wanted back and he told me twice he would bring it to me but he never did and his excuse was he was busy and I wrote in it asking why was he doing this to me. Even then I thought he was doing it on purpose and just messing with me. But I kept thinking why did I date this person, it was clear from the start he was not a good guy because of his prejudice opinion about AB/DL and I got so fed up with his ignorance I started to do things to show him how I can still do adult things whole being a baby. I also got fed up with him feeling like he is with a child, I did it more to piss him off because that is how much I hated ignorance. I know the term for it now is willful ignorance.
I have always been the kind of person always wanting to prove people wrong and show them but I had learned in my twenties that once people make up their minds, you can’t change them so trying to prove them wrong won’t work because they will just find another excuse to keep justifying their opinion. Someone could think I am dumb and when I share my great knowledge about something, they would probably find a reason why it’s not valid and why it doesn’t count as me being smarter than they thought I was. I could remember Jerry telling me I had this opinion or that opinion because I read it and he thought I wasn’t capable of having my own. I am just someone who likes to read different perspectives and try and get all the facts before forming an opinion and even if I do form an opinion and then get more facts to the story, I can change my mind again. He wasn’t that kind of person, he was just someone who would get an opinion in his head before getting all the facts or more to the story and not change his mind no mater what more information you gave him.
But reading it all again made me feel angry all over again and I started to hate him again and wishing I could slap him. Then I have to remind myself about the karma she is getting now. She is lonely, she will never find someone like me again as I wrote in my diary. She did find another diaper girl but she moved out east with her family according to her in her Diapermates profile.
But the thing about my diary is the dates contradicting my memory and the date of the post I made on Wrongplanet about him withholding the Dish Network piece from me and I wrote about it in May of 2007 in my diary saying he still had it. I am not sure how I wrote that and I wrote as of May 31st 2007 wondering if I am single again or not because he hadn’t been answering his phone and I was wanting to move on. I even wrote I didn’t want another relationship for a awhile because they were too complicated. That was the last post I made in my diary.
But a lesson I learned is I have to be more judgmental and not give any guys a chance if they show any prejudice ignorance about AB/DL or about anything I don’t like. Been there, done that.