Bellissimo

I had been wearing the same diaper from yesterday before work and it was really smelly from the pee. The diaper still felt comfortable but it was really wet in the middle where us females pee. Then I decided to get changed so I had my husband do it. Daughter was napping but our son was watching TV on the main floor so I went to the basement and he took my pajamas pants off and took off my diaper and then our son came in the room after my husband had taken the diaper off me. I don’t think he noticed because he didn’t say anything. My husband kicked him out and then he cleaned me up and we had to kick our son out several times and then he stayed out. My husband told him we will be right with him when we are done here so wait. Then he placed the diaper on me and got my pants back on. No sex because of no time. I wasn’t expecting to have it because our son was up. Then I carried the wet diaper upstairs to the bucket and put the wipes and rash cream back in my room. Then I emptied out the bucket and washed my hands and then went to my son for his attention and he never asked what we were doing which was good. That means he didn’t notice and if he asked, I wouldn’t have told him.

I got these diapers for $70 online from a person on ADISC and these things do hold a ton I can’t even fill them to full capacity or otherwise they start to smell real badly. I say these diapers are good for one a day, put one on when you get up and then wear it until the next morning when you get up. I would say that depends on how much you pee. They may be more expensive but they last longer and you go through less a day unless you poop.

Narcissistic love.

I found this link here:

http://thehappysensitive.com/narcissistic-love-versus-unconditional-love/

It talks about how we love our appliances and we get mad and frustrated when they don’t do what we want it to do. I get frustrated with my ow computer when it acts slow. It will freeze and act funny and then certain webpages will freeze and that makes me frustrated so I have to be patient. Some people have a temper and will curse and swear at it and talk to it like it can hear you and I remember my English teacher saying in high school that sometimes computers like to give you a hard time by freezing just to make you mad. They have a mind of its own. I used to joke about my first computer having Asperger’s because every time it did a Windows update, the computer would act funny and it did not adjust well to the change. So I turned off the update because I hated what it would do to my computer and then I would have to wait for it to adjust before it runs right again.

With narcissists, people are like appliances. They want us to do things they want us to do and they get frustrated when we don’t do what they like. When I was reading the article, it made me think of my ex again. I don’t know if he had NPD so I like to say he had narcissistic behavior and acted like one or say he had tenancies. I think it was due to him over compensating so it made him behave like one and he didn’t like himself so he may not have been a bad person.

In my relationship with Jerry, I felt like I had to be a certain way or else he would ignore me. He never made me be a certain way and he made it clear to me he didn’t want me to change because he did’t want to be a control freak. I felt I had to try and no matter what I did was never good enough to satisfy him to make him feel he was with an adult instead of with a baby or a five year old or with an eight year old. I feel he threw me out of his life like I was a disposable and it made me think of the analogy about when our appliances break down. When an appliance quits working, what do we do about it? We throw it out or put it away and ignore it like we don’t have it anymore. We have our broken DVD/VCR combo player and the motherboard in it fried so now it won’t play VHS movies because it runs slow and I tried to toss it out but we can’t toss it out, it has to be recycled and I don’t know where to recycle appliances so it’s still sitting in the garage. I thought about narcissism, when a partner is useless to them because they are not doing what they want them to do, they all of a sudden ignore them, go silent on them, they don’t bother to break up, they just disappear and ignore you because you are useless to them. That is what my ex did. He ghosted. I would like to think he went silent on me because he thought breaking up with me would hurt my feelings and he didn’t want to hut my feelings so he thought ghosting was the better answer, I also like to think that maybe he was feeling bad for how he treated me and he kept hurting me and confusing me and he didn’t want that so he decided to quit talking to me. But he never apologized so that makes me think “neah that couldn’t be but it is a pipe dream there.” Also the fact he messaged me online about my new boyfriend and saying how he hopes thinks work out for me and then messaging me again months later asking if I am still with the boyfriend and we talk for two minutes and never again do I hear form him. I always found that odd. Maybe he wanted to see if I was working right and I still wasn’t so he decided to leave me in the trash and while he was ignoring me, I was just kept out in the garage like we have with our VCR/DVD combo player because we have no idea what to do with it. He probably didn’t know what to do about me so he had me in the garage. It was very confusing how he treated me and I will never understand it all and I don’t think I will ever understand his idea behind it and his intention.

Could Jerry have been a narcissistic due to him not liking himself and over compensating? Can one stop being a narcissistic after getting their issues resolved? Can a narc still be a good person despite having it?