The best daddy I have

It’s father’s Day again. My daddy is very good to me. He accepts me and doesn’t judge me and he isn’t critical.

I can remember when I was in a relationship with Jerry. I felt totally different in it. I had lot of anxiety, depression and I can remember wandering around the mall in Medford, Oregon with his son and him and his son were having fun and bonding and I was there with them but I felt left out and ignored. I just ignored that feeling because it was his child so he was just spending time with him and it was his right. I was also walking like a zombie because I could not show my emotions and happiness or otherwise he will just ignore me and get mad because he found them to be too childish so it made him feel he was with a child than with an adult so he ignored me whenever he felt that way. So to improve things between us, I wouldn’t show my mood. I was more adult that way because I wasn’t acting childish for him. I had no idea how much weight I had on me with him and how much anxiety he was giving me and how much he was dragging me down with my self esteem and making it low and changing my perception of myself. I just assumed I was being needy and I never told him my feelings because I knew he wouldn’t care and there wouldn’t have been a change. I was just accepting him. I also could never say anything right without him adding to what I say (twisting my words and taking things the wrong way) and he was always crying when I would say things. Other times I would not even be aware until he told me.

Then I met my husband and he never judged me or got upset with me for being happy and showing it and he found it all cute. He didn’t mind what shows I watched or what movies and games I had or what I wore or what I had. He even gave me two trash brags of unopened Happy Meal toys because someone he knew was cleaning out their attic or something and she had a bunch of those and was giving stuff away and she was going to get rid of them so she gave them to my husband when he took them. Jerry would have never done a thing like that. It would have bee too childish for him and he wouldn’t support it even though they are collectibles and people do collect those things but he would probably think they’re idiots. He told me people are idiots for wearing childish looking clothes unless they have a disability. Or he would think they were pedophiles because he thought people liking childish things made them pedos and he would even project that thinking on others because he assumed people would think he is if he acted too childish or liked things that were too childish. He was over compensating so he took it out on me.

I also am not ignored after having two kids with him nor do I feel ignored. I bet that was just the beginning when I was with Jerry because he gave us both attention when I was visiting him and we drove to California to get his son and he still talked to me on the phone every night when I went back home to Montana. But in February, it was all different. I am sure it would have kept on being that way if we stayed together and what if he had gotten custody of him, it would still be ignore ignore. I just figured then because he only got to see his kid four times a year, he had to spend as much time with him as possible and I am living with him so he sees me 24/7. Last time I was just visiting to he was doing the same to me, spending much time with me as possible. So I kept that feeling to myself and ignored it thinking I was being too selfish and needy.

I can be myself without feeling punished or that I will upset Daddy or make him mad. I can also talk to him about my feelings and whatever is bothering me and he doesn’t get mad at me for having anxiety like Jerry did. The worst he ever said to me about it was “Sometimes I think you just let yourself have anxiety just to get your way.” Daddy never thought that about me nor ever said it. He knew no one likes having it and no one likes having a meltdown. But he still finds them cute or get turned on because they look like a toddler having a tantrum.

I feel no weight on me either and the day I found out I was no longer in a relationship with Jerry, my whole body felt light. I did not realize how much pressure I had on me. That was how bad the anxiety was. The feeling of feeling single and left out, ignored, him ignoring my calls and IMs and excluding me like he is single and I wanted to break up with him but couldn’t because he wouldn’t answer his phone and we never went out. He never visited me or took me out. We only went out once and I took him to a movie, he picked me up and took me to a theater to see a movie we both wanted to see, Are We Done Yet. It was after I had gotten a new job finally after moving there. I should have broken up with him there but didn’t because I didn’t want to upset him and make him more depressed but I realize his feelings should not have been my concern. If he takes a gun to his head and shoots himself because I had dumped him, it wouldn’t have been my fault. I am sure he wouldn’t have cared if I dumped him but I didn’t know that then. But it felt so asshat to go out on a date and then dump them after the movie so I didn’t do it. Sometimes I do wonder if he did this just to stress me out and it was a game he was playing. But his excuse was he was “busy.” But then all this anxiety was removed when my mom told me he had moved on, he doesn’t want me, I am no longer in a relationship and sometimes people just ignore your calls when they dump you because they don’t want to hurt your feelings when they want to break up with you so they ignore you. This was the best news ever. I was free. I think I threw a celebration about it online but I can’t remember the title and I tried to look for it by doing a search but no such luck. But I was finally able to move on and not feel like I was cheating. I refused to see I was dating because I was just going out meeting diaper guys and we were not having sex or even kissing so it was not a date, we were just going out as friends. But I could not move on and get a new bf because I was not single and it would have been cheating if I had done that. I was trapped in a relationship I could not get out of. Then after being released from it, I was in another relationship within two months with my Daddy after we had met after a month after three weeks of talking online before we met up in real life.

My Daddy also never cried and he used to open his mouth a lot like my youngest brother used to or a girl at my school who was the little sister of a boy in my 5th grade class. But then he stopped doing it because he got used to me. He was always shocked at things I would say but he never twisted them or took them the wrong way. I didn’t even have to feel I would have to walk on eggshells without hurting his feelings.

He also sees me as me and the adult me no matter how I act. He isn’t embarrassed about me or critical and he never gives me a hard time about what I do and what I like and he doesn’t make a big deal about it like Jerry did. Happy Father’s day.

Disgusting Things You Have To Do As a Parent, cleaning up shit

My brother came over yesterday and brought his sons over so my son and his both played outside together. Then my son came inside with poop on his legs and I had to clean it up and then my nephew came inside with poop on him too. My son had pooped outside near the swing set so I had him show me. It was three big poops he did and he said he couldn’t hold it. I had to find a shovel to move it in the weeds so it won’t be stepped on and there was poop on my daughter’s exercauser and poop on the toy Haley Davidson bike. Mom washed the toy while I washed the shit off the wheel off the Harley Davidson bike. Then I had to move the shit off the lawn and I used a mini shovel and I tossed the poop in the back in the weeds.

Avoiding an argument with an idiot

One mother father online posted about her son being violent and a danger to himself and a hazard in the household so he was in a psychiatric care faculty. Lot of parents were okay with that while lot of people on the autism spectrum are not and I am in the minority of them who is fine with violent kids being hospitalized. Safety for everyone else and no one will be harmed by them. One guy who was against it claimed to be diagnosed with autism and was hospitalized himself so he was obviously an abuser and now he is mad at his parents for sending him away when he was a child. My mom threatened to send me away once when I was 16 and I do not resent her for that. I did feel hurt and betrayed then and angry about it then that my mom would actually get rid of her own child so I started to target my anger at Frankie instead and started hating violent kids instead. Now I know safety does come first and abuse is not okay. But that threat did cure me from the behavior because I didn’t want to be sent away so I had to stop being abusive or I am no longer welcome at home. Well anyway I told the guy online he was sick and told him about Frankie and he called me a liar calling it a made up anecdote and said it was unrelated to the OP. Yep some people don’t think a kid can fracture bones and be so mean to their mother and throw axes at people. Good to know I am crazy like my aunt who is a schizophrenic lol. But I didn’t bother arguing with him because he was obviously an idiot. I know violent kids is a “trigger” for me because I always get upset and wound up and angry when anyone is okay with children being abusive and judging parents for sending them away and hate anyone who murders or attempts to kill their abusive child. Perhaps I should avoid those topics from now on. I think it’s child abuse to keep a violent kid at home and deny other kids a safe environment. If I had to grow up with an abusive sibling, I think I would have been abusive back towards them in self defense and to defend the abused victims in my home. If they were bigger than me by then, then I would be defenseless. Or I would call CPS if I knew how as a kid or tell everyone about it since back then I didn’t have a filter and wouldn’t know these things are not talked about. That was how I got my school counselor in 6th grade busted. My mom told me he was fired and lost his job and can no longer teach with kids and he had child porn on his computer. I was stunned and I found this out just this year and Mom never tells me. She told me she had no reason for me to know, it was in the past and done with. He was actually a predator and some teachers found him to be creepy and he would make inappropriate comments to me according to my mother and I would go to my therapist about his comments because they would mess me up and confuse me and it was making her job harder because she would have to spend half of her sessions undoing the damage and told my mother finally that she should go to a couple of my sessions to observe how he does his job. So she goes and she sees how he kept staring at my boobs and made a lude gesture and he looked at her boobs. My mom goes to the school principal and tells her and she doesn’t believe her because she saw my mom as someone who saw her girl in roses. So at my next session my mom tells my therapist and she decides to write a letter to the state of Washington and got my mom’s permission to use me as the case for it so she did and they investigated but it took them a year to do it and he was fired after we moved. My mom found that all out of the update when she went back and visit and she heard from our old neighbors and it was even in the paper. My mom said I didn’t do anything, it was my therapist who did by telling my mother to go observe and then writing a letter. I feel i caused it because if it weren’t for my confusion and nativity, I didn’t keep my mouth shut because I always asked a bunch of questions so everything made sense to me so he was caught. I am not sorry for what happened. I was also not traumatized because I didn’t know what was going on, I was too innocent and my mom didn’t tell me about it because I was better off not knowing. Why tell a kid something and then traumatize them with the truth? Sometimes a kid is better off not knowing. I guess my mom decided it was long ago enough to tell me and not have it affect me. No he never touched me so I told my mom that so she knew. Unfortunately this was back in 1998 so the story would be too old to be found online about him being fired and all and child porn being found on his PC. But I am sure if I went to the library, they might have old local newspapers here from that year. I even did a search on his name and all I found were a bunch of guys with the same name. I couldn’t find any info on him.

Now back to topic, what if Frankie fracturing other kids bones was one of his pathological lies but who knows, he was a pathological liar. But I do know he threw an ax at my brothers and their friends because they told me and my mom told me too and she told me he was hospitalized after he got back home. I also heard some stories about him from my first boyfriend who happened to know him because they both attended the special school. He told me what a bastard Frankie was so we both shared stories about him and my ex told me how Frankie would bully him and try and attack him so my ex would pick him up and toss him on the ground. I don’t know if my ex was exaggerating that or not but I have a image in my head that he picks him up and lifts him in the air and threw him on the ground. He probably picked him up and pushed him away a little bit but not enough to hurt him. I would find it hard to believe he would be able to pick up a ten year old and hold him like that and throw him. But I always repeat his exact words when I talk about him. It’s up to the readers to decide if that is an exaggeration or not because those are not my words, they’re his so they would basically be saying my ex was, not me.

But I regret knowing Frankie. I should have never had him come back after he told me about breaking other kids bones and I wish my mom and his father never hooked us up. My mom says he was a sweet boy when we first knew him but then shortly after puberty hit and his hormones changed so he was more violent but he was kicked out of his school at age nine and started going to that special school so he had to be violent then already and back then he was painting himself as the victim saying how other kids are mean to him and stuff so he fought back. He said his parents took him out but his mom told me they said he couldn’t attend there any longer. He also told me how my brothers were being mean to him and I would get mad at them and he would always thank me for defending him and then when he went camping with my brothers, my dad got a phone call and he had to come and get him and bring him back and he told me how my brothers and their friends were mean to him. Turns out he was the bully and he was chopping up my parents hammock and thy tried to stop him so he threw an ax at them and did it several times so they couldn’t stop him. He lied to me about all that. I was so pissed when I found out months later after the incident and it was around May 2002 and this took place back in August of 2001. I also felt betrayed he lied to me and made up a lot of stuff and I felt he took advantage of me but my mom told me he did not because he does this to everyone, he lies to everyone and tells tales. I sometimes wonder if he was a psychopath. He was manipulative too. But this was a rare situation we had to encounter. I have tried to look up the statistics about chances of having a kid that turns out to be violent but instead child abuse result pop up as if it can’t tell the different between child abuse and kids being the abusers. You have a higher chance of being beaten to death by a random stranger in the streets than being killed by a family member. Dr. Phil said Issy is the ten percent of autism and she could have killed her mother too so Kelli was also in that rare situation when the higher chances are she can be beaten in the streets by a random stranger. I would assume this statistic would fall with violent kids too because they can kill you with their abuse when they get stronger. What if Frankie had killed my brothers with the ax. Oh boy. I look back and realize we had all put ourselves in a dangerous situation so he was no longer welcome at our house. He just got too violent.