Broken promises

Things in life are rarely black and white. I promised my husband I would take him to get him his medicine for our trip but I had forgotten about it until today when my husband told me he had to get his medicine and I needed to take him. It was late in the date past one and he didn’t tell me sooner and all morning I had been busy getting ready for the trip with my mother helping me. We went to Big Lots and we got airplane food and then we went to The Dollar Tree and I got three work books, a magnet doodle, and some lunch meat and cheese slices for the plane ride. Then I dropped my mom off at my dad’s car where she left it from last night. Then when she came home we went through my clothes to see what to bring and what stays and I decided I had too many shirts so I left them out. I also packed all my Tena North American diapers in the suitcase that came from the 12 pack I had. I decided I would rather buy a pack out there and it could be from Walgreens or if we find a medical supply store. Then my mom decided I needed new bras because the ones I had were too big so she took me to Ross and we picked out bras and I tried them on and I was a 34C cup now so I got a new sports bra and two new bras and a water bottle with a straw for my son for the trip. Then we came home and my husband expected me to take him to the pharmacy for his meds but I had no time anymore because of where it’s located and traffic and I don’t want to be late for work and I was busy getting ready for the trip. I also realized I was hungry so I had to cook something and feed my son. My parents went to get their medicine for their trip.

Can you imagine if my husband was black and white so to him a promise was a promise, I would have had anxiety and a meltdown because of the trip tomorrow and the plane takes off at 5:20 am so we have to be there no later than 3:30 am and I want to leave here around 2:30 am and he didn’t accept that this needed to be done and that I was busy and didn’t have time because I had forgotten and he didn’t remind me. I know promises get broken sometimes because shit happens and my mom had decided to get me some bras and I had forgotten about the medicine. I did apologize to him about it and told him I had forgotten and he wasn’t mad. I think we were supposed to do it yesterday and we had forgotten about it and then again today. I had forgotten about it totally until he said something about it. All day today I had been busy with tomorrow and I did a little bit of cleaning when I got home. Then I have more work to do when I get home. Put our chargers in our bags and my Nook and our Nintendo 3DS and this computer. I never like packing those too soon and I am charging the LeapPad and the Nintendo 3DSs and my Nook and my phone. I still have to figure out more of my daughter’s toys. I still have to empty out the diaper bucket and the trash can in the bathroom and empty out my car trunk. I better get back to work.

Dog hate

I did some random googling and I came across this:

http://www.benjamingran.com/2012/02/03/i-hate-dogs/

There are actually lot of negative dog stories in the search results but this one stuck out because the family in my Natalie stories have a yellow Lab. Yes they shed and my mom would sometimes have hair all over her from my therapist’s dog she would bring to her office and I always loved seeing that dog. His name was Jake. I am sure he is dead now because he would be 21 years old human years and those big dogs normally live ten years. Every Lab I have known and heard about have only lived that long before they needed to be put to sleep or something. My husband had a Rottweiler that lived to be 15. She was a family dog and then she got breast cancer and had to be put to sleep and my husband mourned her death but she was a very smart dog. He told me a story about the time she pooped in the house and he picked it up and rubbed it in her nose and took it outside and she never did it again. She had connected that poop goes outside so that is where she goes but yet rubbing her face in her wet spot never worked but the poop thing did. Maybe if it were possible to pick up the pee and throw it outside she would have made that connection too.

But we had a dog when I was 16 and I hated that animal. We had just moved house and I was already having more anxiety and then my dad had to bring home a miniature Schnauzer. He has ADHD so he gets impulsive and he was at the mall pet store and he saw all these little Schnauzers and they were on sale because they were close to six months. He buys one of the dogs and he gets a male dog this time and brings it home. My mom is not happy but the rest of us love that animal. Sound familiar in my Natalie story? That dog always squeaked instead of whimpering so we named him Squeaky. But not too long later I find pee on the floor and my mom said it was an accident so she cleaned it up and my anxiety is gone. I actually freaked out over a wet spot. He does it again other times and we clean it up. Then one day I am in the basement playing a video game and Squeaky runs int he basement after he had just come inside and he goes to my dollhouse and lifts his leg and I don’t think anything because he had just been outside and then I hear a hissing sound and I freak out and he runs and I grab him and bring him upstairs and I am so mad I clinch my arms and he squeals because I squeezed him so hard and then I loosen my body and my dad cleans up the mess and I am screaming that was no accident because he lifted his leg so he did it on purpose. I realize the other wet spots he had done were no accidents. This continues on and one day he comes up from the basement and this time he had peed on the tile floor. I would try to keep him outside and then he would run inside to pee so I wanted him outside or in his crate but everyone thought it was so cruel to keep him locked up. I have tremendous anxiety because of that animal so I act worse and then I decide to be Frankie to get my way to get rid of all the anxiety because he is in control of his mother with his abuse. All I had to do was be abusive and break things and be tough and I will have an easier life like Frankie does. But instead it backfires because my mom told me she would put me in a hospital. I then resent Frankie that he got his way and I didn’t and he had an easier life than me and then I grew to hate him when I found out what he did to my family. Throwing an ax at my brothers and wrecking my parents hammock. I never ever thought he could abuse my family members and destroy our property so he was out of my life and I have never taken kindly to abuse ever since. Yeah I was a hypocrite because I didn’t seem to care he was harming other kids and adults in his school and mistreating his mother even though I was shocked at how he treated her when I witnessed it. He had transformed into a different person once we got to his house. But yet I was still his friend until what he did to my family. Then that was where I drew the line and decided bye bye. I never even told him if he ever did that shit to my family I will never want to see him again because I never thought he would act that way to my family. I thought he only did it at home and in school. Now I know better. I won’t be that naive again.

So I would take that dog outside often but he would always come inside to pee so I thought that dog was evil. He preferred to pee indoors and lot of people seem to not believe this because what kind of animal prefers to go indoors right. That is why I sometimes like to look up dog hate stories and they are worse than Squeaky. At least I know I am not crazy like people have always made me feel out to be. I can remember my therapist laughing when I was 16 after he was dead and saying “Oh you thought he was defiant. ‘No I won’t go outside, I will just pee in the playroom.'” But I didn’t see any difference. I have a memory of coming home and Squeaky comes inside and he lifts his leg in the kitchen and I race for him and he runs and tries to lift his leg again and I grab him but he keeps on running and trying to go so I finally grab him and throw him outside and close the door winning his game. I had won. I swore he was teasing me and trying to pee and I wouldn’t let him so he kept on running and I chased after him playing his game. I was in a constant battle with my family about that damn dog my mom calls him. I would lock him up and they would let him loose for him to pee all over and I discovered he had found a new spot to pee in, the play room instead of the basement. That dog just never wanted to go outside. But all he did was peed in the house, he never chewed up anything or wrecked anything, he only peed and he never peed on anything except floors and carpets. I hated that animal and I often had thoughts about killing him. I also had violent thoughts about him too like wanting to burn him on the stove or burn him with hot water and just slam him on the floor or throw him from our back deck and I also had nightmares about him too. In one of my dreams he got sentenced to death for peeing in the house and refusing to go outside so he was strapped in the electric chair and electrocuted but didn’t die. He just suffered with pain and squeaked loudly and everyone watched. He was getting all the pain he was giving me from my anxiety. It was payback. Then on February 1st 2002, he got hit by a car. I didn’t find this out until Sunday when my mother gave me the news. Her exact words were “Squeaky got hit by a car.” I said “Really?” She nods. “Are you serious?” She nods. I asked if he died and she nodded. I felt like it was all a dream but I realized I was not sad. I say to her “How come I am not upset about it?” She said “Maybe because you didn’t like him very much.” I feel like a psychopath for not feeling bad and she told me she didn’t really like that dog either and she felt relieved when he died. There was nothing wrong with me for feeling that way. I felt relieved I was not the only one who didn’t like that animal. My mom didn’t like him because of all the anxiety and chaos he caused even though it was not his fault. My dad should not have brought that dog home and he should have taken it back or rehome him. With the move and transitioning and my anxiety, it was not the right time for another dog and none of us were willing to watch him and I was right all along about crating him. It is not cruel to crate a animal. You are supposed to do it when house training them. Then when un crate them, you are supposed to watch them and if you can’t watch them, you crate them and you take them outside. If they don’t go, you keep them in there until they do go and give them a treat within 3 seconds after going. I find this all out this year when I looked online about why some dogs prefer to go in the house. Now I think people could have been right all along and that he was just an innocent animal and he could have been confused. He came from a pet shop so he had always peed inside so he had it backwards with his toilet.

The best daddy I have

It’s father’s Day again. My daddy is very good to me. He accepts me and doesn’t judge me and he isn’t critical.

I can remember when I was in a relationship with Jerry. I felt totally different in it. I had lot of anxiety, depression and I can remember wandering around the mall in Medford, Oregon with his son and him and his son were having fun and bonding and I was there with them but I felt left out and ignored. I just ignored that feeling because it was his child so he was just spending time with him and it was his right. I was also walking like a zombie because I could not show my emotions and happiness or otherwise he will just ignore me and get mad because he found them to be too childish so it made him feel he was with a child than with an adult so he ignored me whenever he felt that way. So to improve things between us, I wouldn’t show my mood. I was more adult that way because I wasn’t acting childish for him. I had no idea how much weight I had on me with him and how much anxiety he was giving me and how much he was dragging me down with my self esteem and making it low and changing my perception of myself. I just assumed I was being needy and I never told him my feelings because I knew he wouldn’t care and there wouldn’t have been a change. I was just accepting him. I also could never say anything right without him adding to what I say (twisting my words and taking things the wrong way) and he was always crying when I would say things. Other times I would not even be aware until he told me.

Then I met my husband and he never judged me or got upset with me for being happy and showing it and he found it all cute. He didn’t mind what shows I watched or what movies and games I had or what I wore or what I had. He even gave me two trash brags of unopened Happy Meal toys because someone he knew was cleaning out their attic or something and she had a bunch of those and was giving stuff away and she was going to get rid of them so she gave them to my husband when he took them. Jerry would have never done a thing like that. It would have bee too childish for him and he wouldn’t support it even though they are collectibles and people do collect those things but he would probably think they’re idiots. He told me people are idiots for wearing childish looking clothes unless they have a disability. Or he would think they were pedophiles because he thought people liking childish things made them pedos and he would even project that thinking on others because he assumed people would think he is if he acted too childish or liked things that were too childish. He was over compensating so he took it out on me.

I also am not ignored after having two kids with him nor do I feel ignored. I bet that was just the beginning when I was with Jerry because he gave us both attention when I was visiting him and we drove to California to get his son and he still talked to me on the phone every night when I went back home to Montana. But in February, it was all different. I am sure it would have kept on being that way if we stayed together and what if he had gotten custody of him, it would still be ignore ignore. I just figured then because he only got to see his kid four times a year, he had to spend as much time with him as possible and I am living with him so he sees me 24/7. Last time I was just visiting to he was doing the same to me, spending much time with me as possible. So I kept that feeling to myself and ignored it thinking I was being too selfish and needy.

I can be myself without feeling punished or that I will upset Daddy or make him mad. I can also talk to him about my feelings and whatever is bothering me and he doesn’t get mad at me for having anxiety like Jerry did. The worst he ever said to me about it was “Sometimes I think you just let yourself have anxiety just to get your way.” Daddy never thought that about me nor ever said it. He knew no one likes having it and no one likes having a meltdown. But he still finds them cute or get turned on because they look like a toddler having a tantrum.

I feel no weight on me either and the day I found out I was no longer in a relationship with Jerry, my whole body felt light. I did not realize how much pressure I had on me. That was how bad the anxiety was. The feeling of feeling single and left out, ignored, him ignoring my calls and IMs and excluding me like he is single and I wanted to break up with him but couldn’t because he wouldn’t answer his phone and we never went out. He never visited me or took me out. We only went out once and I took him to a movie, he picked me up and took me to a theater to see a movie we both wanted to see, Are We Done Yet. It was after I had gotten a new job finally after moving there. I should have broken up with him there but didn’t because I didn’t want to upset him and make him more depressed but I realize his feelings should not have been my concern. If he takes a gun to his head and shoots himself because I had dumped him, it wouldn’t have been my fault. I am sure he wouldn’t have cared if I dumped him but I didn’t know that then. But it felt so asshat to go out on a date and then dump them after the movie so I didn’t do it. Sometimes I do wonder if he did this just to stress me out and it was a game he was playing. But his excuse was he was “busy.” But then all this anxiety was removed when my mom told me he had moved on, he doesn’t want me, I am no longer in a relationship and sometimes people just ignore your calls when they dump you because they don’t want to hurt your feelings when they want to break up with you so they ignore you. This was the best news ever. I was free. I think I threw a celebration about it online but I can’t remember the title and I tried to look for it by doing a search but no such luck. But I was finally able to move on and not feel like I was cheating. I refused to see I was dating because I was just going out meeting diaper guys and we were not having sex or even kissing so it was not a date, we were just going out as friends. But I could not move on and get a new bf because I was not single and it would have been cheating if I had done that. I was trapped in a relationship I could not get out of. Then after being released from it, I was in another relationship within two months with my Daddy after we had met after a month after three weeks of talking online before we met up in real life.

My Daddy also never cried and he used to open his mouth a lot like my youngest brother used to or a girl at my school who was the little sister of a boy in my 5th grade class. But then he stopped doing it because he got used to me. He was always shocked at things I would say but he never twisted them or took them the wrong way. I didn’t even have to feel I would have to walk on eggshells without hurting his feelings.

He also sees me as me and the adult me no matter how I act. He isn’t embarrassed about me or critical and he never gives me a hard time about what I do and what I like and he doesn’t make a big deal about it like Jerry did. Happy Father’s day.

Disgusting Things You Have To Do As a Parent, cleaning up shit

My brother came over yesterday and brought his sons over so my son and his both played outside together. Then my son came inside with poop on his legs and I had to clean it up and then my nephew came inside with poop on him too. My son had pooped outside near the swing set so I had him show me. It was three big poops he did and he said he couldn’t hold it. I had to find a shovel to move it in the weeds so it won’t be stepped on and there was poop on my daughter’s exercauser and poop on the toy Haley Davidson bike. Mom washed the toy while I washed the shit off the wheel off the Harley Davidson bike. Then I had to move the shit off the lawn and I used a mini shovel and I tossed the poop in the back in the weeds.

Avoiding an argument with an idiot

One mother father online posted about her son being violent and a danger to himself and a hazard in the household so he was in a psychiatric care faculty. Lot of parents were okay with that while lot of people on the autism spectrum are not and I am in the minority of them who is fine with violent kids being hospitalized. Safety for everyone else and no one will be harmed by them. One guy who was against it claimed to be diagnosed with autism and was hospitalized himself so he was obviously an abuser and now he is mad at his parents for sending him away when he was a child. My mom threatened to send me away once when I was 16 and I do not resent her for that. I did feel hurt and betrayed then and angry about it then that my mom would actually get rid of her own child so I started to target my anger at Frankie instead and started hating violent kids instead. Now I know safety does come first and abuse is not okay. But that threat did cure me from the behavior because I didn’t want to be sent away so I had to stop being abusive or I am no longer welcome at home. Well anyway I told the guy online he was sick and told him about Frankie and he called me a liar calling it a made up anecdote and said it was unrelated to the OP. Yep some people don’t think a kid can fracture bones and be so mean to their mother and throw axes at people. Good to know I am crazy like my aunt who is a schizophrenic lol. But I didn’t bother arguing with him because he was obviously an idiot. I know violent kids is a “trigger” for me because I always get upset and wound up and angry when anyone is okay with children being abusive and judging parents for sending them away and hate anyone who murders or attempts to kill their abusive child. Perhaps I should avoid those topics from now on. I think it’s child abuse to keep a violent kid at home and deny other kids a safe environment. If I had to grow up with an abusive sibling, I think I would have been abusive back towards them in self defense and to defend the abused victims in my home. If they were bigger than me by then, then I would be defenseless. Or I would call CPS if I knew how as a kid or tell everyone about it since back then I didn’t have a filter and wouldn’t know these things are not talked about. That was how I got my school counselor in 6th grade busted. My mom told me he was fired and lost his job and can no longer teach with kids and he had child porn on his computer. I was stunned and I found this out just this year and Mom never tells me. She told me she had no reason for me to know, it was in the past and done with. He was actually a predator and some teachers found him to be creepy and he would make inappropriate comments to me according to my mother and I would go to my therapist about his comments because they would mess me up and confuse me and it was making her job harder because she would have to spend half of her sessions undoing the damage and told my mother finally that she should go to a couple of my sessions to observe how he does his job. So she goes and she sees how he kept staring at my boobs and made a lude gesture and he looked at her boobs. My mom goes to the school principal and tells her and she doesn’t believe her because she saw my mom as someone who saw her girl in roses. So at my next session my mom tells my therapist and she decides to write a letter to the state of Washington and got my mom’s permission to use me as the case for it so she did and they investigated but it took them a year to do it and he was fired after we moved. My mom found that all out of the update when she went back and visit and she heard from our old neighbors and it was even in the paper. My mom said I didn’t do anything, it was my therapist who did by telling my mother to go observe and then writing a letter. I feel i caused it because if it weren’t for my confusion and nativity, I didn’t keep my mouth shut because I always asked a bunch of questions so everything made sense to me so he was caught. I am not sorry for what happened. I was also not traumatized because I didn’t know what was going on, I was too innocent and my mom didn’t tell me about it because I was better off not knowing. Why tell a kid something and then traumatize them with the truth? Sometimes a kid is better off not knowing. I guess my mom decided it was long ago enough to tell me and not have it affect me. No he never touched me so I told my mom that so she knew. Unfortunately this was back in 1998 so the story would be too old to be found online about him being fired and all and child porn being found on his PC. But I am sure if I went to the library, they might have old local newspapers here from that year. I even did a search on his name and all I found were a bunch of guys with the same name. I couldn’t find any info on him.

Now back to topic, what if Frankie fracturing other kids bones was one of his pathological lies but who knows, he was a pathological liar. But I do know he threw an ax at my brothers and their friends because they told me and my mom told me too and she told me he was hospitalized after he got back home. I also heard some stories about him from my first boyfriend who happened to know him because they both attended the special school. He told me what a bastard Frankie was so we both shared stories about him and my ex told me how Frankie would bully him and try and attack him so my ex would pick him up and toss him on the ground. I don’t know if my ex was exaggerating that or not but I have a image in my head that he picks him up and lifts him in the air and threw him on the ground. He probably picked him up and pushed him away a little bit but not enough to hurt him. I would find it hard to believe he would be able to pick up a ten year old and hold him like that and throw him. But I always repeat his exact words when I talk about him. It’s up to the readers to decide if that is an exaggeration or not because those are not my words, they’re his so they would basically be saying my ex was, not me.

But I regret knowing Frankie. I should have never had him come back after he told me about breaking other kids bones and I wish my mom and his father never hooked us up. My mom says he was a sweet boy when we first knew him but then shortly after puberty hit and his hormones changed so he was more violent but he was kicked out of his school at age nine and started going to that special school so he had to be violent then already and back then he was painting himself as the victim saying how other kids are mean to him and stuff so he fought back. He said his parents took him out but his mom told me they said he couldn’t attend there any longer. He also told me how my brothers were being mean to him and I would get mad at them and he would always thank me for defending him and then when he went camping with my brothers, my dad got a phone call and he had to come and get him and bring him back and he told me how my brothers and their friends were mean to him. Turns out he was the bully and he was chopping up my parents hammock and thy tried to stop him so he threw an ax at them and did it several times so they couldn’t stop him. He lied to me about all that. I was so pissed when I found out months later after the incident and it was around May 2002 and this took place back in August of 2001. I also felt betrayed he lied to me and made up a lot of stuff and I felt he took advantage of me but my mom told me he did not because he does this to everyone, he lies to everyone and tells tales. I sometimes wonder if he was a psychopath. He was manipulative too. But this was a rare situation we had to encounter. I have tried to look up the statistics about chances of having a kid that turns out to be violent but instead child abuse result pop up as if it can’t tell the different between child abuse and kids being the abusers. You have a higher chance of being beaten to death by a random stranger in the streets than being killed by a family member. Dr. Phil said Issy is the ten percent of autism and she could have killed her mother too so Kelli was also in that rare situation when the higher chances are she can be beaten in the streets by a random stranger. I would assume this statistic would fall with violent kids too because they can kill you with their abuse when they get stronger. What if Frankie had killed my brothers with the ax. Oh boy. I look back and realize we had all put ourselves in a dangerous situation so he was no longer welcome at our house. He just got too violent.

Damn anxiety has returned

I have knots in my chest again and it feels like someone is grabbing my heart and squeezing it with their hand. It all started when I was coming home and I got stuck on the train at a stop because of some emergency happened. So we had to wait twenty minutes and then we were moving and then we were stuck at the transit center and then we moved again and I saw a couple police cars on the side and then I got home and my mom was in bed. My anxiety gets worse because she had told me two times already she would help me with the TSA thing and she told me I had to fill out some application and go online for it. I was told at the airport to call the number one week in advance before take off but I don’t remember any application thing. So I have had anxiety all evening long and been in a bad mood and snappy and short tempered. I decided I will just call the damn number tomorrow first thing I get up and try and do this myself because my parents leave Friday so I am not relying on her tomorrow night because she might beak her promise again. I think this is the last time I ever book a trip and I will just skip family weddings and stuff if they are too far and I better stick with local traveling than airlines. Too much stress and it makes me literally sick. I have flown alone once and bought my own ticket once but that was before I met my husband and I didn’t have kids then so it wasn’t much. I didn’t even need luggage, only my bag and that was it. Plus my aunt was with me and she guided me through printing off my ticket and on the way home, my parents were with me and I went home with a suitcase because they had brought me more clothes and stuff and I had to pay 25 bucks because it was above the weight limit. But this time I am traveling with kids and my husband who has a disability and I am on my own so things are different. I did not realize it would be this stressful. I am reminded why I do not plan trips and go on them. As much as I hate making phone calls and talking on them, I have to do it this time but I have to wait until morning when it’s daylight and it better not be hard. My husband said he will help me with it.

Weight on my chest

They almost feel like chest pains. My anxiety had been getting worse and worse so I couldn’t stop screaming at my kids and anything they do would make me tense. The whining, the screaming, touching my stuff or touching things that are not hers, so I find myself yelling “no’ often like she is a dog. I can’t just shut myself in my room and be alone because I have kids. Yesterday I was screaming at my husband and I felt like a out of control woman you would see on the Dr. Phil show when you see a movie of someone screaming and they look like a crazy person. We had people coming over and I knew that was going to make me more anxious because that means more demands, more chaos, more noise, and I wouldn’t be able to relax so that will make my anxiety worse and I was worried about having a freak out. Luckily my husband let me stay in my room and didn’t bother me and he took care of the kids because he couldn’t deal with me. He had also noticed it had been getting worse and worse and to him it looked like me acting like a little kid. I was hating myself and how worse my anxiety was getting and it was like I couldn’t get a break because my anxiety would come back fast over a few things my kids would do rather it was not listening, talking in a whiny vice, touching my things, my daughter crying and not stopping and not stopping her fussing either, then them doing sibling rivalry.

So I stayed in my room while everyone was outside visiting and then I had my daughter only and taking care of one kid was enough, two was too much for me. Then I finally came outside when I heard my parents were home because I heard their voices. I came out and sat outside and my mom asked me how my day had been. I decided to be honest and answer it literally so I told her it had been very stressful and she asked me why. I told her my anxiety had been getting worse and worse and I can’t take it anymore because I hate yelling at my kids and I have no patience because anything tiny bothers me and puts me in intense mood. My mom then told me what was causing all of it was the unknown of going to the airport when we take off. I don’t know what to expect like what to do when we get there, how will we get through security, what do we need to pack or check on, what time to get there. My husband thought it was money that was causing it but my mom said no it was the unknown because I bought the tickets, I knew how much we spent and I chose to spend that much so she said today we would go to the airport and see where to get off at, where to go and get our questions answered. Then I started to feel better and I noticed the anxiety was gone.

Today we went to the airport around ten and we found short term parking and found where we would have to get off and unload the car and we went inside and talked to one of the security at the checkpoint where people put their bags in the machine and walk though this machine and they gave us a card to call and they said they do good accommodating people with disabilities and they can lead us through it ad they would be waiting for us when we get there and we also talked to one of the guys at the checkout for American Airlines and I found out car seats and strollers were free to check on and he said that when we get up to the counter, just tell them we need someone to assist us because of my husband’s disability and my mom was able to remember the verbal instructions so I wrote them down when she repeated them to me. Then I felt so much better and didn’t feel any anxiety anymore and I didn’t feel so irritable. Then we went to target and bought a new stroller for the trip and it’s smaller and not a hummer and it will give us more room in the trunk.

My son went with us and I saw how he will get in the airport because he got bored and he also didn’t like waiting so I got to see what behavior to expect from my kid. My husband also noticed how much better I am acting and I wasn’t yelling at my kids anymore. I love my mother. She still helps me and she still has to tell me why I am having anxiety because I have no clue why it’s happening and what is causing it, all I know is it has gotten worse and I don’t know why. Sometimes I do know. My dad doesn’t understand it because he will say things like “relax” “You are getting upset over nothing” “Just roll with the punches” “You’re getting excited” and he will think I am over reacting and act like my feelings are nothing and my fears and my ex’s didn’t understand it either and I think it was easier for my ex’s to just think I used it as an excuse so they wouldn’t have to be responsible for my anxiety or do anything to lesson it and so they wouldn’t have to support me or help me out because it was just too much for them even though they had it themselves. It was a cop out to think that way. Which is why we were incompatible. I am lucky to have a husband who understands.