Was My Ex a Narcissist?

Lately I have been seeing this word around online. Lot of people who had dysfunctional childhoods will say their moms or dads had this. I also ready a blog by an aspie and her mom also had it too and she talks about that condition in her blog and now Sarah Burleton says her mom had it after she had been talking to child abuse survivors online and they all mentioned this word and then she realized what her mom’s mental condition was and what was wrong with her and why she was always nuts. Sometimes you will read about labels and then wonder if someone you knew had it rather it was psychopathy or narcissism.

I started to wonder if my aspie ex could have also been a narc. He always felt the need to put others down and nothing was ever good enough for him. He had to have luxuries; nice furniture and a nice car, nice place to live in and I thought his stuff was fine and I didn’t care about his kitchen stuff or his home or what car he drove and what he had. But it was not good enough. One time we were on the road and I pointed to a crappy pick up truck and it was in worst shape than his car he drove. I told him he had a better car than his and my ex response was “I bet he had a nice one sitting at home and he is just coming home from the dump and he has a nice big yard and a big house with a wife and kids all happy living there.” See, nothing was ever good enough. Even if someone had something crappier than his, he had to make it seem like theirs was still better.

The other one was jealousy. He moved a lot in his childhood, he was in special ed but hated it because it made him feel stupid and he was diagnosed with ADHD and a teacher told him “You are not failing all your classes” because he excelled in math but not in other subjects. He also moved a lot because his parents were poor so it was a bunch of different schools he went to and his mom never bothered to figure out what was wrong with him. She had given up. Instead she had left it up to the schools to decide and figure it out for her. My ex could remember doing a test and he got told “You have a high IQ with no common sense.” Then he meets me and he was so jealous about my childhood and the fact my mom didn’t give up on me and how they managed to get a correct diagnoses for me and I told him “Asperger’s wasn’t known when you were a kid so your mother wouldn’t have found the answer for you.” But it still didn’t matter that his mom gave up or not and wouldn’t have found the answer anyway. Because his childhood was so dysfunctional due to his parents being poor and always being evicted so they moved around the area a lot, he was emancipated at 16 and was working since then being an adult. Me, I didn’t get to have that lifestyle so I didn’t even need to be an adult at 16 and start working and my parents would always support me and help me and he was always on his own so he was critical about it. He made it out to be how incompetent I was and how bad my poor self help skills were so I needed them to support me for the rest of my life. he also told me how slow I was in developing so I wouldn’t have been able to travel on my own at 18 and I told him “I didn’t even have any money, I didn’t even have a real job so I couldn’t afford it and I was not going to spend all my 300 bucks from allowance going to Spokane” he then said “What if they handed you some money to go for the weekend” and I said “maybe if they handed me at least a thousand, I would be able to go and not worry about running out.” That still wasn’t good enough so he insisted my self help skills were poor. I actually fell for it and felt so bad about myself and I thought I was more severe than I really was. I realize now this was just him being jealous and his low self esteem so he had to make me feel bad to make himself feel better because he had to be an adult early and support himself and always take care of himself and I had supportive parents and I wouldn’t have to struggle and work hard like him and he was jealous.

When we first met, he wanted to give me anything, he told me he would give his woman anything and not expect anything from her. He paid for everything and took me anywhere. This was great right and what a great guy he is. I also didn’t know this was a red flag for some women and this behavior actually puts a woman off because the person comes off as desperate. You might also feel you are using or taking advantage of him so you may feel uncomfortable with this behavior. I felt this way and he reassured me and I stopped feeling guilty. He even offered to fix my car and hey saving money right? So my dad took me out to him when I decided to move out there and be with him and he said he would fix my car. It never happened until we moved out of his apartment. I also couldn’t go out and find a job because I didn’t know how to work the bus system and I couldn’t drive his car because no one was on the insurance. He had changed it so only he could drive it to save money. Rule of thumb, do not try and be cheap by having someone fix your car for you for free after they tell you they will do it. Do not rely on them. Being frugal is not always the answer.

He had me believing I was crazy. I would think I twisted what he said because he would tell me he never said that I did and I thought I had a bad memory because I couldn’t remember saying certain things and I would swear he said this or that but he would then tell me he never said that. I often felt like I needed a tape recorder to record all our conversations to prove he said this or that or that i said this or that. Yes this is a form of gaslighting and I had no idea this was called emotional manipulation. I had no idea these were mind games. He had told me he was honest and he doesn’t lie so I always believed him and I thought I had a terrible terrible memory so I was always second guessing myself and questioning myself.

He would always tell his son everything about me and none of our conversations were private and if I took something literal, he would tell it to him or if I didn’t know he was teasing, he would tell his son about it. This was something kids did at my school when I was little and other kids would laugh and tease me about it and know how “stupid” I was but I assumed my ex didn’t know what he was doing and he didn’t understand because he had Asperger’s right and he was just too honest and didn’t have a filter. I just had to accept it. I thought it was not his intent to bully me so this is not what he was doing. I didn’t know then I could still tell him to stop doing it and I don’t like it. I did ask him if he had to tell his son everything and he didn’t need to know but he still did it saying he doesn’t lie and he felt not telling his kid everything would be lying because his kid always asked. But he didn’t need to tell him anything, just tell him it was none of his damn business. I didn’t realize I didn’t have to tolerate this and let this happen. I didn’t know it was a form of abuse and him attempting to humiliate me. Just because someone has AS does not mean they can be a dick and be abusive.

He was very black and white, no question about it.

No matter what I said, he would always cry because of things I would say. I refused to walk on eggshells and I often made him cry. I was the abuser technically because I was always hurting his feelings even if I didn’t mean to. He was very sensitive.

I also had to keep my feelings bottled up because he would take things the wrong way I say and get mad at me if I had anxiety or if anything was bothering me or if my mind was being destructive with all these thoughts in my brain, the worrying and the stress like my car not being done and me not having a job and me wanting to get settled. Talking about this would have upset him and make him mad and it felt he would twist what I say. One example was when he was cooking pasta. He accidentally spilled some macaroni in the sink because he started cussing. I asked him what was wrong and he said “I spilled some noodles in the sink” and I said “That is less calories for you to have” and he said “You called me fat, thanks a lot” and I said “I didn’t call you that” and he said “telling me that is less calories for me is saying I’m fat.”

Could he have been a narcissist or was it just his depression and low self esteem speaking? Behaviors can overlap.

The person I mentioned here in this blog who does her own blog wrote this:

http://luckyottershaven.com/2014/10/03/survivor-hypervigilance-and-the-danger-of-false-labeling/

and she talks about the danger of false labeling. I don’t want to falsley label my ex as one just because some of the descriptions sounded like him for How to spot a narc. I think you can have some narc in you and not have NPD. She also talked about what other disorders can mimic the condition. I sometimes feel like a narc but everyone is to a degree. We all want attention, we all want to be knowledge, we all want to tell about our achievements and what great things we have done, but some people take it above the mean. Hell even mommy bloggers get called a narc and I think they are just misusing the term. Even Kelli Stapleton was called a narc because of her blog about her daughter’s aggression and being treated for it and doing fundraising to help support her treatment and showing her black eyes and her being in the hospital and a video of her being beaten by her daughter as a way to get more support and help and how serious this all is and no one will believe how a kid can be dangerous so more help please. One thing I wonder is where the hell was the brother when she would beat their mom? Did she wait until he wasn’t home? (Matt was often gone so he got very little of the aggression)If he was home, why didn’t he defend their mom and grab Issy? My brother would always butt in to defend our mother if I got too aggressive with our mom because I was trying to be Frankie and have ODD to get my way. Back then I thought ODD was a choice and that people created labels for behaviors people do and you can be anything you want to be. If you want to be an asshole, be one. If you don’t want to be one, stop being one. If you want to be good, be good. If you want to be bad, be bad. If you want to be a nice person, be nice. If you want to be a show off, be a show up, don’t want to be one, don’t be one. Oh want to be a screamer, start screaming. So my whole life I have always copied and mimicked behaviors I was exposed to which was why I was placed in mainstream. Me being in a self contained room was not a good environment for me where kids were not able to act appropriate. To me it was all normal behavior and I thought the teacher assigned certain rules to certain students so I would sometimes break a rule to see if that rule didn’t apply to me. I would test them to see what my limits were and what the rules were for me. I didn’t realize I was confused because of the inconsistencies. Then when I discovered I was allowed to scream I did it in school because that was where I was allowed to do it. One day I brought it home and learned I was not to do that at home and it was school behavior and I was at home now so I couldn’t do that and me telling my mother “Sorry I forgot, that’s school behavior, I am at home now so now I have to do home behavior” was an eye opener for my mother at age seven and she found out after that I was in the wrong class and I had to be taken out of there. It took them until I was eight to be taken out of that class and placed in mainstream. So this is a problem folks when you place all special needs kids in one room segregating them from normies. They will just all mimic each other and not learn any appropriate behavior and if you have a kid that copies everyone, you do not want them in that class. Some kids benefit in these sort of classrooms but not all of them which is why I am all for inclusion. If a kid can’t be in there alone, have an aide with them, if they act up and start disrupting class, remove them from the room for them to calm down and then bring them back when they are done. It’s not black and white. Well I got off topic again. Typical me.

So blogging about your life as a parent makes you a “narc” and blogging about being beaten by your child and showing your injuries or them beating you and about their aggression and you trying to treat it in them so they won’t be anymore and them getting help for it. I do think the term is over used which is what I think Lucky Otter’s Haven’s blog entry was about.

EDIT:

Another to add is I was reading Addicted to Love and Drama blog and I read an entry where the blogger was being ignored by her lover and he would ignore her calls and his excuse was he was “busy” and cancel out the last minute they were supposed to go out. This reminded me about my ex. Once we moved out of his apartment, he went living with his parents and I lived with my aunt and uncle. It was supposed to be that we would be separated until he found another place to rent again but instead he started to ignore me. He wouldn’t answer his phone and he wouldn’t chat with me online despite being on and his excuse was he was “busy.” There was a time when we were supposed to go out and have fun and I was on the toilet and he happened to be on his way over and because I was on the toilet, he decide to cancel out and go home. I was heartbroken. There was another time when he told me his niece would be graduating and he wanted to take me with. I got happy about it because we were going to be together again, I never hear from him all week and that day comes and I can’t get a hold of him. I end up going to a AB munch instead that was in the huge park here in the city and it has a dead volcano and it’s a huge forest and a hill and it has a reservoir. It has trials and picnic tables and a playground. I am wondering now if he did this on purpose. This hurt more than a break up. If you want to break up with someone, at least break up with them than ghost so that way they know they are single and no longer together and they can move on. There will be no stress and the anxiety. There might still be hurt feelings but it’s not as hurtful as going silent on them and saying nothing. My mistake was not breaking up with him as soon as I could and another mistake was being too concerned about his feelings I wasn’t able to break up with him and I could have driven to his work and walk in and break up with him there and not care if it would be asshat of me because it would have been in front of his co workers. but it would have been the price of ignoring me and being impossible to reach and I didn’t know where his parents lived. I didn’t know the address and I couldn’t remember the location. My rule of thumb is if anyone ever goes silent on you, move on, assume you are single and move on. It doesn’t matter if they are aspie or have some mental illness or whatever. Move on. If someone can’t even bother to answer their phone and keep in touch and not include you in their life so you feel single, they shouldn’t be in a relationship. But this was another narc thing he did. Then he messages me again twice after I met my husband and then I never heard from him again. Thank god. I don’t want anyone in my life who talks to me and then disappears and then comes back and disappears again.

I will say I am lucky I got out and he let me go even though it feels he threw me out. He wasn’t one of those guys who doesn’t let his woman go so he threatens her or stalks her and gives her guilt trips for leaving. Instead he will just look for another woman. Some guys are like that. Instead it’s like once they find someone is useless they throw them out so they get “busy” and then go silent. If we had a kid together then that would have been a big mistake and he would have stayed in my life and not be silent with me and I probably wouldn’t have told him about my pregnancy so I end up raising the kid alone without the dad and I can understand now why some women don’t tell their ex’s that they are pregnant with their child so they never know they have a child. Just don’t ask for child support. This may seem selfish that I would even think about keeping my kid from their dad but I wouldn’t want them exposed to his homophobia and AB/DL and bigotry hate and their judgmentalness on life. I saw his son was the mini him because he seemed to be a follower with his opinions and agree with everything he said. I would not want my kid to be that way and then hate on me and turn against me because their dad said this or that about me and how “incompetent” I am and how “retarded” I am and “slow.” I could not imagine the drama it would be if I got pregnant and told him I was pregnant with his baby just to keep him in my life and be friends like he promised we would always be if things didn’t work out between us. That would be idiotic too and he would probably want full custody so I would have to be sucked into that drama going to court myself and having a lawyer and also play games to keep him away like his ex was doing. I wouldn’t make anything up in court of course, just tell the judge how he treated me and everything and the kind of person he is and use his income against him and his lifestyle and how he can’t manage his money so he is always broke and how he can;t make enough income to afford a child. I sometimes wonder if that is what really happened when his doctor he hired said he wouldn’t be able to take care of his son because of his Asperger’s and I wonder if his doctor never said that and my ex was just using it as an excuse because he blamed it on that.

Kids are honest so I sometimes wonder if his son was ever talking about me to his mother and she read between the lines and used it against him in court so his doctor told the judge there is no way he can be a father to his child. But I will never know.

Edit #2:

My husband and I were heading home and I was talking and then something else popped in my head about my ex. I read on Addicted to Drama blog about her ex being a hypocrite and avoiding responsibility. I realized that about my ex on the way home and I remember the things he did were; his landlord decided she wanted her rent on time instead of getting it late from him. She had also let him give it to her late and then February 2007 she decided she wanted her rent now so my ex called it a game she played. My ex decided to move out of her apartment because he got tired of her “games” so he told her he was moving out, she decides to leave a note on his door to evict him and he called that a game. He told me a story once how he lost one of his other jobs due to his mother. I asked what happened and he told me how he couldn’t be at work that day so he couldn’t give everyone their paychecks so he gave them to his mother to give and instead she lost them and it cost my ex his job. I told him then it was his own fault because it was his own responsibility to give them to the employees, not his mother. She didn’t work there. You see he would always procrastinate. So he had himself to blame. Another thing I remember is his hypocrisy. He felt like he was with a five year old and refused to do anything with me if I was acting too childish so basically I had to put on a mask to make sure I was grown up enough for him. But yet he was like a teen because he had a bit of immaturity in him and he liked to watch shows like The Suite Life of Zach and Cody, shows on Disney. I told him I would refuse to have anything to do with him if he is like a teen because I feel like I am with a teen, not an adult. He called that a game. Another thing about him is he would always talk, he would sometimes keep me up at night by his talking so I told him one day I should start talking to him when he is trying to sleep to see how he likes that and he called that a game. He refused to see from a different perspective and how he was acting and he refused to see his own hypocrisy and take responsibility so he called anything a game he didn’t like. My husband’s thought about it was he was not a good guy. What he thought of him about the landlord thing, he said he didn’t have a touch on reality and he lived in a fantasy world and he needed to get a grip. I told my husband I am strongly believing he was a narcissist. I realized he also played games when he would be the one accusing me and others playing games. I think holding his rent money until the last day when she was expecting the rent by 2/20 was a game he played and he told me he would just hang on to it to piss her off because of her “game.”

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s