Anxiety attack

My mom decided she will watch the kids if my husband and I want to go do something. She told me it would be for one evening, not all day because she didn’t want to do childcare all day, only for a coupe of hours. My dad and my brother went to the Redwood Forest with his sons for the weekend and they took the RV and my car along because my dad’s car can’t be pulled on the dolly behind the RV but my car can so they took it.

My husband and I went to Dave & Busters. It’s a restaurant arcade place and it’s also a sports bar. It was crowded, noisy, and packed. My husband charged our card and another card fell on the floor, it appeared out of nowhere, so I picked it up. I didn’t know where it came from so I decided to use it to see if it had money on it and it did. I wondered if I was being dishonest because someone had dropped it but I saw with my own eyes that it landed on the floor and it appeared out of nowhere. So I thought I had free points so i was using that card and then my husband decided to play a game so I handed him the other card he charged but he wanted to be sure that card worked so I slid it into one of the machines and it said it didn’t have enough to play the game so I then knew that was our card I picked up I saw land on the floor. The machine must have given him a new card. So I played Speed of Light and I wanted my husband to play it with me so we could hit more lit buttons but I felt he took off while I was playing.

After I was done, my husband was nowhere to be found so I had to look for him. I kept on looking and looking and then my thoughts start to take over. What if I never find him, what if I don’t get to play another game again, what if he uses up all the points and my thoughts start racing. I walk faster and faster and start having anxiety. I shout his name a few times but hear nothing. All I hear is the noise; people shouting and the arcade machines and people pounding on them. Then I start to cry and I can’t handle being in the place and I am looking like a crazy lady so I run out of there and head outside and run down to the other side and sit down beside the building. I didn’t want to be there anymore and I was no longer having fun and I just wanted to leave. I took out my phone and called my husband but couldn’t get a hold of him. I felt angry, angry for him taking off. Then some young man walked up to me and I thought he was going to bother me but he asked me if I know there is a payphone anywhere and I said no. He said thank you and walked away. Then I called my husband again and this time he picked up and I barely heard what he said because I started talking saying I wanted to go home and I am not having fun. I was shouting and crying in the phone and then I hung up after he said he was coming outside now. I saw him coming and I cried about him leaving me and now I am too embarrassed to go back inside. I asked him why did he leave me and why didn’t he play Speed of Light with me and he said he didn’t know I wanted him too and I said “I told you to play it with me” and he said he didn’t hear me because it’s loud in there. I guess I should have shouted. Then a security car drove by because they were patrolling the parking lot and they had their windows down and one of them asked if I was alright and my husband said I was and then he told me to wait at the bench so he can go talk to them. I waited and then my husband told me they needed to talk to me and I sighed and said “What for?” I was irritated and I was embarrassed and I didn’t want to talk about my situation. I don’t like talking about my issues. Instead only one of them asked if I was okay and I said “yes” and it didn’t sound great because my voice didn’t sound nice at all. It wasn’t directed at them, it was the mood I was in and how I was feeling and I can’t just change my tone all of a sudden.

Then they drove off and I was too embarrassed to go back inside and I didn’t feel like myself because of the anxiety attack I had. The outside looked all hazy so I asked my husband if there was smoke in the air and he pointed the to smokers who were standing by the building saying we were in a smoking area. I saw he misunderstood so I pointed to the air saying “it looks like there is smoke in the air” and he said “They’re clouds” and I said again “it looks like there is smoke all over” and I kept on pointing. He said it was the haze from the clouds, a form of fog. I then knew it wasn’t me and it was reality I was seeing. I just wanted to be sure.

Instead of heading home, we went into the mall instead it was quiet and very open space because it was not crowded. I wonder how many years before this mall starts to die and it becomes a dead mall? My husband doesn’t think it will happen. Dead malls seem to be more common back east. Here we love our malls so not many of them die. We have had several in my area and then they have come back to life and then one of them has died again and two others were torn down and turn into box development. I have a feeling another mall here is starting to die because I am seeing more and more vacant stores but lot of people still shop there. But it’s in the process of being renovated and maybe that will keep it from dying. But enough of that.

My husband said we wouldn’t go to the place when it’s real busy because I got over stimulated and I said I only got that way because I couldn’t find him and he said it was because there were too many people. I would have been fine honestly if he didn’t take off or if I had the card. I just realize now I could have stepped outside and call him on the phone instead of freaking out. My mom hates that word, to her freaking out implies having behavior problem, tantruming, throwing things and breaking stuff and acting like a wild animal and doing any sort of violence and screaming. So she finds that word derogatory. My husband has always used that word on himself when he has anxiety and he was using that word on me too when I start to worry and make a big deal out of things and one of them was when he needed a new phone and my mom told him that is normal in relationships, a new phone costs a whole month of my paychecks so I had a reason to worry and whenever there is a big expense you always talk about it with your partner, that is normal and the bank teller butted in saying “I could never get a new phone without telling my wife first or else I will be hearing about it for a while.” So my mom told him he will not use that word on me or she will defend me every time he does. Then he said he always uses that word when he worries and has anxiety and she told him what freaking out meant to her. Then my husband told her how that word was used when he was growing up and she told him that was wrong and that is not what freaking out means. My mom told me this story and I realized I didn’t know what that word really meant either. It’s like how people use the word retarded but have no clue what it means. They think it means dumb stupid, childish, immature, or just something they don’t agree with or like. I recently learned that thug meant black person and it’s a racial term and it was a dog whistle. I always thought a thug was a criminal, a trouble maker getting into trouble with the law or doing something illegal. But good thing I never used the term, that would have been worse than the time I used the word cheap not even knowing what that word really meant and it hurt my aunt and uncle and cousin. About retarded, I was taught to believe it was a figure of speech and it didn’t always mean a mentally retarded person. But maybe just maybe those kids in my school didn’t know what it meant and I thought they knew what it meant so I started to believe that word had changed and then I couldn’t figure out why anyone couldn’t grasp it was a figure of speech, would they take “raining cats and dogs” literal and refuse to believe it meant raining very hard? I used to think it was an autism thing that kept them from getting it and then I saw there were even NTs out there that didn’t get it either because they also took offense to the word and took it literal so I thought they were just stupid because I was too stuck on what I had learned in high school about the word so it was hard for me to learn those kids were wrong. Now I think they probably didn’t know what the word meant and I just assumed they knew what it meant so I learned the word had turned into a figure of speech like other sentences have which is why we have idioms. When we say kick the bucket, we do not mean a bucket was kicked so when people would use the word retarded, they are not talking about someone with that condition. I think I was 25 or 26 when I realized those girls were wrong. Even an aspie told me online that my ex boyfriend didn’t know what that word meant. My ex always used it, anything he didn’t like was “retarded.” Back on topic.

My husband and I went to the food court and we got hamburgers and Oreo shakes at Carl’s Jr. I didn’t realize I was hungry so maybe that was the problem. I still felt some pain from the anxiety and it was in my chest area so I realized I had a panic attack. Then we were done eating and we looked in Gamestop and then my husband had to use the bathroom so I waited at the store and played my Streetpasses. Then I was playing Pokemon Shuffle when he came back and I decided to go back to the noisy place. We had been gone long enough so people there have probably forgotten about me and wouldn’t know what I look like because there are too many people there. They won’t recognize the “crazy lady.” We went back and this time I kept the card and I stayed more with my husband. I did Doodle Jump and made it nearly to the top, I did Fruit Ninja, Cut the Rope, that coin machine Simpson game, the toss game where you throw balls at the clown faces, and we also played the other coin machine where we try and knock coins off and we would get tickets for it. One man next to us had a huge pile of tickets he won from the machine with coins. It was humongous. We also went to the counter several times to get our tickets put on the card so we wouldn’t have to carry them. Then they put them in the shredder to recycle them.

We didn’t play as many games this time because we got $10 in free games last time when we bought our first card for first visit and then we keep it. This time we got no free games. I also didn’t get a prize this time, last time I got a Mario puzzle and their prizes change.

On the way home I asked my husband why did he have to talk to the security and he said it was because he wanted them to know what was going on and someone probably called them. I told him I thought it was a coincidence they came by because they were patrolling the parking lot and he said “No I think someone inside called them because they saw you so they wanted to talk to me so I told you to stay put because they wanted to see us separately.” I asked him what did he tell them, did he tell them I just had an anxiety attack because I couldn’t find him and he said no he told them I had autism so I got over stimulated from all the lights and noise and then the security told them they had to talk to me to make sure I was alright. I asked why did they want to see us separate and he said to make sure he wasn’t beating me up and I said “does it look like I was beaten, I have no bruises” and he said “You don’t have to have bruises from getting beaten.” I also asked him why couldn’t he just say I had an anxiety attack because I couldn’t find him and he said it would lead to them asking a bunch of questions and he wanted to get them out of there because he knew I was embarrassed and he didn’t want me to be embarrassed even more. he was also worried they would think he was hurting me so they arrest him and I tell them “No no don’t take him away, he isn’t beating me” and I said I would have to bail him out which would suck (we are going on a trip next month) and my husband told me I had a new story I could write now, put in that Natalie gets overstimulated at the place so she has an anxiety attack and Steven gets arrested because they thought he was beating her so she has to go to court and tell the judge “he wasn’t hurting me, he was just taking care of me because I was over stimulated from all the noise so I freaked out, please let my daddy out.” I said she would more likely go in and explain and they drop all the charges and let him out with no bond because of a misunderstanding.

Sometimes my husband gives me story ideas but most of the time they are too over the top because they are always things you would find in a fap material story and I want mine to be realistic than fantasy or fap. Mine are still fantasy but I don’t make it all like you would read in typical AB/DL stories.

Lot of the games I played there Natalie played in my story at the Namco Funscape. But I still like my husband’s story idea but right now I am working on a new one and this time her mom comes to visit but she has turned into a social skills monster so it drives Natalie crazy because her mom over does it and she isn’t used to her mom being that way. She wants her old mom back than a mom who is over acting like an NT that it would annoy other NTs and Steven tells her to back off because her mom is only there for a few days so they can put up with it. In my story I call them normies. It sounds better. Some people use the term allistic, John Robison uses nypical and the rest prefer neurotypical (NT). My friend from Sweden calls them normies too but I think he got that from my stories. Normie was a word Natalie’s grandma used and then Anita and then Natalie starts using it because she learns it from them. The word NT does’t exist in their vocabulary. It does not in Natalie’s but she still uses the term normie.

But my husband thinks me having anxiety is what made me get overstimulated from the place because my anxiety kept me from being able to deal with it and when I got food put in my stomach, it gave me the ability to cope again and me having fun there is what kept my mind off the noise and lights. He is the same way with his pain, his computer game lessons his pain because it keeps his mind off it because he has it focused on something else. But ever since my diagnoses, everyone has been telling me what is going on in my brain and why I acted a certain way, you know making assumptions. But is it possible to not be aware? I dunno. My husband thinks I am in denial so I look for excuses such as “I was just hungry so I acted that way” or “that was just the anxiety” “I didn’t get enough sleep” to justify my moments and to say that wasn’t autism, that was just the anxiety.

But I felt bad for what happened and I kept on apologizing to him about it and he kept telling me he wasn’t mad and its okay. Now I see the simple solution was to take out my phone and call my husband before I “freak out” and there no anxiety attacks. I would have prevented one. I still would have had control of the situation because I had the phone unless he never picked up, then I might have had one. But I will know better next time. Always learn from experience and I have less anxiety that way because I know what to do. That was how I have learned to deal with sudden change at work such as if the elevators go out of service and my cart is trapped in the basement or on a floor and that would put me into a anxiety attack and have distress because of the major change in my work routine and I do not like surprises. My boss showed me what I do is take the stuff I need off my cart and put it in the trash bag and carry it upstairs so I started to do that. It was very annoying but once I got into this routine, the change wasn’t as hard to deal with if the elevators went out of service because the security people there to some test on them and it would piss me off if they did it a little too early. It’s at 5 PM when they do the testing, not at 4:56 damn it. Why did they start early so I marched up to the main floor and went to the front desk asking them why are they starting them early and one of them said “It’s 5 PM” and I said “No it’s not it’s 4:55.” Then I walked off. I was totally peeved they did not do it at 5 and stick with their time. I had planned to clock in early which I did just so I could bring my cart up to the floor before they started and they ruin it. But it’s been over a year now since they have done the testing and I do a different floor now so now my cart is on the same floor I work on so no elevator testing will affect me. I can use the stairs without having any anxiety about it because I can handle that little change. Just as long as I can do my job without anything stopping me, I am good. Using the stairs will not stop me. Someone took my rag from my cart and never returned it, I will just snatch a dirty one in the basement from the barrel where we put the dirty mop heads and rags. No anxiety.

Okay I will end this entry now since I am rambling.

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