Was My Ex a Narcissist?

Lately I have been seeing this word around online. Lot of people who had dysfunctional childhoods will say their moms or dads had this. I also ready a blog by an aspie and her mom also had it too and she talks about that condition in her blog and now Sarah Burleton says her mom had it after she had been talking to child abuse survivors online and they all mentioned this word and then she realized what her mom’s mental condition was and what was wrong with her and why she was always nuts. Sometimes you will read about labels and then wonder if someone you knew had it rather it was psychopathy or narcissism.

I started to wonder if my aspie ex could have also been a narc. He always felt the need to put others down and nothing was ever good enough for him. He had to have luxuries; nice furniture and a nice car, nice place to live in and I thought his stuff was fine and I didn’t care about his kitchen stuff or his home or what car he drove and what he had. But it was not good enough. One time we were on the road and I pointed to a crappy pick up truck and it was in worst shape than his car he drove. I told him he had a better car than his and my ex response was “I bet he had a nice one sitting at home and he is just coming home from the dump and he has a nice big yard and a big house with a wife and kids all happy living there.” See, nothing was ever good enough. Even if someone had something crappier than his, he had to make it seem like theirs was still better.

The other one was jealousy. He moved a lot in his childhood, he was in special ed but hated it because it made him feel stupid and he was diagnosed with ADHD and a teacher told him “You are not failing all your classes” because he excelled in math but not in other subjects. He also moved a lot because his parents were poor so it was a bunch of different schools he went to and his mom never bothered to figure out what was wrong with him. She had given up. Instead she had left it up to the schools to decide and figure it out for her. My ex could remember doing a test and he got told “You have a high IQ with no common sense.” Then he meets me and he was so jealous about my childhood and the fact my mom didn’t give up on me and how they managed to get a correct diagnoses for me and I told him “Asperger’s wasn’t known when you were a kid so your mother wouldn’t have found the answer for you.” But it still didn’t matter that his mom gave up or not and wouldn’t have found the answer anyway. Because his childhood was so dysfunctional due to his parents being poor and always being evicted so they moved around the area a lot, he was emancipated at 16 and was working since then being an adult. Me, I didn’t get to have that lifestyle so I didn’t even need to be an adult at 16 and start working and my parents would always support me and help me and he was always on his own so he was critical about it. He made it out to be how incompetent I was and how bad my poor self help skills were so I needed them to support me for the rest of my life. he also told me how slow I was in developing so I wouldn’t have been able to travel on my own at 18 and I told him “I didn’t even have any money, I didn’t even have a real job so I couldn’t afford it and I was not going to spend all my 300 bucks from allowance going to Spokane” he then said “What if they handed you some money to go for the weekend” and I said “maybe if they handed me at least a thousand, I would be able to go and not worry about running out.” That still wasn’t good enough so he insisted my self help skills were poor. I actually fell for it and felt so bad about myself and I thought I was more severe than I really was. I realize now this was just him being jealous and his low self esteem so he had to make me feel bad to make himself feel better because he had to be an adult early and support himself and always take care of himself and I had supportive parents and I wouldn’t have to struggle and work hard like him and he was jealous.

When we first met, he wanted to give me anything, he told me he would give his woman anything and not expect anything from her. He paid for everything and took me anywhere. This was great right and what a great guy he is. I also didn’t know this was a red flag for some women and this behavior actually puts a woman off because the person comes off as desperate. You might also feel you are using or taking advantage of him so you may feel uncomfortable with this behavior. I felt this way and he reassured me and I stopped feeling guilty. He even offered to fix my car and hey saving money right? So my dad took me out to him when I decided to move out there and be with him and he said he would fix my car. It never happened until we moved out of his apartment. I also couldn’t go out and find a job because I didn’t know how to work the bus system and I couldn’t drive his car because no one was on the insurance. He had changed it so only he could drive it to save money. Rule of thumb, do not try and be cheap by having someone fix your car for you for free after they tell you they will do it. Do not rely on them. Being frugal is not always the answer.

He had me believing I was crazy. I would think I twisted what he said because he would tell me he never said that I did and I thought I had a bad memory because I couldn’t remember saying certain things and I would swear he said this or that but he would then tell me he never said that. I often felt like I needed a tape recorder to record all our conversations to prove he said this or that or that i said this or that. Yes this is a form of gaslighting and I had no idea this was called emotional manipulation. I had no idea these were mind games. He had told me he was honest and he doesn’t lie so I always believed him and I thought I had a terrible terrible memory so I was always second guessing myself and questioning myself.

He would always tell his son everything about me and none of our conversations were private and if I took something literal, he would tell it to him or if I didn’t know he was teasing, he would tell his son about it. This was something kids did at my school when I was little and other kids would laugh and tease me about it and know how “stupid” I was but I assumed my ex didn’t know what he was doing and he didn’t understand because he had Asperger’s right and he was just too honest and didn’t have a filter. I just had to accept it. I thought it was not his intent to bully me so this is not what he was doing. I didn’t know then I could still tell him to stop doing it and I don’t like it. I did ask him if he had to tell his son everything and he didn’t need to know but he still did it saying he doesn’t lie and he felt not telling his kid everything would be lying because his kid always asked. But he didn’t need to tell him anything, just tell him it was none of his damn business. I didn’t realize I didn’t have to tolerate this and let this happen. I didn’t know it was a form of abuse and him attempting to humiliate me. Just because someone has AS does not mean they can be a dick and be abusive.

He was very black and white, no question about it.

No matter what I said, he would always cry because of things I would say. I refused to walk on eggshells and I often made him cry. I was the abuser technically because I was always hurting his feelings even if I didn’t mean to. He was very sensitive.

I also had to keep my feelings bottled up because he would take things the wrong way I say and get mad at me if I had anxiety or if anything was bothering me or if my mind was being destructive with all these thoughts in my brain, the worrying and the stress like my car not being done and me not having a job and me wanting to get settled. Talking about this would have upset him and make him mad and it felt he would twist what I say. One example was when he was cooking pasta. He accidentally spilled some macaroni in the sink because he started cussing. I asked him what was wrong and he said “I spilled some noodles in the sink” and I said “That is less calories for you to have” and he said “You called me fat, thanks a lot” and I said “I didn’t call you that” and he said “telling me that is less calories for me is saying I’m fat.”

Could he have been a narcissist or was it just his depression and low self esteem speaking? Behaviors can overlap.

The person I mentioned here in this blog who does her own blog wrote this:

http://luckyottershaven.com/2014/10/03/survivor-hypervigilance-and-the-danger-of-false-labeling/

and she talks about the danger of false labeling. I don’t want to falsley label my ex as one just because some of the descriptions sounded like him for How to spot a narc. I think you can have some narc in you and not have NPD. She also talked about what other disorders can mimic the condition. I sometimes feel like a narc but everyone is to a degree. We all want attention, we all want to be knowledge, we all want to tell about our achievements and what great things we have done, but some people take it above the mean. Hell even mommy bloggers get called a narc and I think they are just misusing the term. Even Kelli Stapleton was called a narc because of her blog about her daughter’s aggression and being treated for it and doing fundraising to help support her treatment and showing her black eyes and her being in the hospital and a video of her being beaten by her daughter as a way to get more support and help and how serious this all is and no one will believe how a kid can be dangerous so more help please. One thing I wonder is where the hell was the brother when she would beat their mom? Did she wait until he wasn’t home? (Matt was often gone so he got very little of the aggression)If he was home, why didn’t he defend their mom and grab Issy? My brother would always butt in to defend our mother if I got too aggressive with our mom because I was trying to be Frankie and have ODD to get my way. Back then I thought ODD was a choice and that people created labels for behaviors people do and you can be anything you want to be. If you want to be an asshole, be one. If you don’t want to be one, stop being one. If you want to be good, be good. If you want to be bad, be bad. If you want to be a nice person, be nice. If you want to be a show off, be a show up, don’t want to be one, don’t be one. Oh want to be a screamer, start screaming. So my whole life I have always copied and mimicked behaviors I was exposed to which was why I was placed in mainstream. Me being in a self contained room was not a good environment for me where kids were not able to act appropriate. To me it was all normal behavior and I thought the teacher assigned certain rules to certain students so I would sometimes break a rule to see if that rule didn’t apply to me. I would test them to see what my limits were and what the rules were for me. I didn’t realize I was confused because of the inconsistencies. Then when I discovered I was allowed to scream I did it in school because that was where I was allowed to do it. One day I brought it home and learned I was not to do that at home and it was school behavior and I was at home now so I couldn’t do that and me telling my mother “Sorry I forgot, that’s school behavior, I am at home now so now I have to do home behavior” was an eye opener for my mother at age seven and she found out after that I was in the wrong class and I had to be taken out of there. It took them until I was eight to be taken out of that class and placed in mainstream. So this is a problem folks when you place all special needs kids in one room segregating them from normies. They will just all mimic each other and not learn any appropriate behavior and if you have a kid that copies everyone, you do not want them in that class. Some kids benefit in these sort of classrooms but not all of them which is why I am all for inclusion. If a kid can’t be in there alone, have an aide with them, if they act up and start disrupting class, remove them from the room for them to calm down and then bring them back when they are done. It’s not black and white. Well I got off topic again. Typical me.

So blogging about your life as a parent makes you a “narc” and blogging about being beaten by your child and showing your injuries or them beating you and about their aggression and you trying to treat it in them so they won’t be anymore and them getting help for it. I do think the term is over used which is what I think Lucky Otter’s Haven’s blog entry was about.

EDIT:

Another to add is I was reading Addicted to Love and Drama blog and I read an entry where the blogger was being ignored by her lover and he would ignore her calls and his excuse was he was “busy” and cancel out the last minute they were supposed to go out. This reminded me about my ex. Once we moved out of his apartment, he went living with his parents and I lived with my aunt and uncle. It was supposed to be that we would be separated until he found another place to rent again but instead he started to ignore me. He wouldn’t answer his phone and he wouldn’t chat with me online despite being on and his excuse was he was “busy.” There was a time when we were supposed to go out and have fun and I was on the toilet and he happened to be on his way over and because I was on the toilet, he decide to cancel out and go home. I was heartbroken. There was another time when he told me his niece would be graduating and he wanted to take me with. I got happy about it because we were going to be together again, I never hear from him all week and that day comes and I can’t get a hold of him. I end up going to a AB munch instead that was in the huge park here in the city and it has a dead volcano and it’s a huge forest and a hill and it has a reservoir. It has trials and picnic tables and a playground. I am wondering now if he did this on purpose. This hurt more than a break up. If you want to break up with someone, at least break up with them than ghost so that way they know they are single and no longer together and they can move on. There will be no stress and the anxiety. There might still be hurt feelings but it’s not as hurtful as going silent on them and saying nothing. My mistake was not breaking up with him as soon as I could and another mistake was being too concerned about his feelings I wasn’t able to break up with him and I could have driven to his work and walk in and break up with him there and not care if it would be asshat of me because it would have been in front of his co workers. but it would have been the price of ignoring me and being impossible to reach and I didn’t know where his parents lived. I didn’t know the address and I couldn’t remember the location. My rule of thumb is if anyone ever goes silent on you, move on, assume you are single and move on. It doesn’t matter if they are aspie or have some mental illness or whatever. Move on. If someone can’t even bother to answer their phone and keep in touch and not include you in their life so you feel single, they shouldn’t be in a relationship. But this was another narc thing he did. Then he messages me again twice after I met my husband and then I never heard from him again. Thank god. I don’t want anyone in my life who talks to me and then disappears and then comes back and disappears again.

I will say I am lucky I got out and he let me go even though it feels he threw me out. He wasn’t one of those guys who doesn’t let his woman go so he threatens her or stalks her and gives her guilt trips for leaving. Instead he will just look for another woman. Some guys are like that. Instead it’s like once they find someone is useless they throw them out so they get “busy” and then go silent. If we had a kid together then that would have been a big mistake and he would have stayed in my life and not be silent with me and I probably wouldn’t have told him about my pregnancy so I end up raising the kid alone without the dad and I can understand now why some women don’t tell their ex’s that they are pregnant with their child so they never know they have a child. Just don’t ask for child support. This may seem selfish that I would even think about keeping my kid from their dad but I wouldn’t want them exposed to his homophobia and AB/DL and bigotry hate and their judgmentalness on life. I saw his son was the mini him because he seemed to be a follower with his opinions and agree with everything he said. I would not want my kid to be that way and then hate on me and turn against me because their dad said this or that about me and how “incompetent” I am and how “retarded” I am and “slow.” I could not imagine the drama it would be if I got pregnant and told him I was pregnant with his baby just to keep him in my life and be friends like he promised we would always be if things didn’t work out between us. That would be idiotic too and he would probably want full custody so I would have to be sucked into that drama going to court myself and having a lawyer and also play games to keep him away like his ex was doing. I wouldn’t make anything up in court of course, just tell the judge how he treated me and everything and the kind of person he is and use his income against him and his lifestyle and how he can’t manage his money so he is always broke and how he can;t make enough income to afford a child. I sometimes wonder if that is what really happened when his doctor he hired said he wouldn’t be able to take care of his son because of his Asperger’s and I wonder if his doctor never said that and my ex was just using it as an excuse because he blamed it on that.

Kids are honest so I sometimes wonder if his son was ever talking about me to his mother and she read between the lines and used it against him in court so his doctor told the judge there is no way he can be a father to his child. But I will never know.

Edit #2:

My husband and I were heading home and I was talking and then something else popped in my head about my ex. I read on Addicted to Drama blog about her ex being a hypocrite and avoiding responsibility. I realized that about my ex on the way home and I remember the things he did were; his landlord decided she wanted her rent on time instead of getting it late from him. She had also let him give it to her late and then February 2007 she decided she wanted her rent now so my ex called it a game she played. My ex decided to move out of her apartment because he got tired of her “games” so he told her he was moving out, she decides to leave a note on his door to evict him and he called that a game. He told me a story once how he lost one of his other jobs due to his mother. I asked what happened and he told me how he couldn’t be at work that day so he couldn’t give everyone their paychecks so he gave them to his mother to give and instead she lost them and it cost my ex his job. I told him then it was his own fault because it was his own responsibility to give them to the employees, not his mother. She didn’t work there. You see he would always procrastinate. So he had himself to blame. Another thing I remember is his hypocrisy. He felt like he was with a five year old and refused to do anything with me if I was acting too childish so basically I had to put on a mask to make sure I was grown up enough for him. But yet he was like a teen because he had a bit of immaturity in him and he liked to watch shows like The Suite Life of Zach and Cody, shows on Disney. I told him I would refuse to have anything to do with him if he is like a teen because I feel like I am with a teen, not an adult. He called that a game. Another thing about him is he would always talk, he would sometimes keep me up at night by his talking so I told him one day I should start talking to him when he is trying to sleep to see how he likes that and he called that a game. He refused to see from a different perspective and how he was acting and he refused to see his own hypocrisy and take responsibility so he called anything a game he didn’t like. My husband’s thought about it was he was not a good guy. What he thought of him about the landlord thing, he said he didn’t have a touch on reality and he lived in a fantasy world and he needed to get a grip. I told my husband I am strongly believing he was a narcissist. I realized he also played games when he would be the one accusing me and others playing games. I think holding his rent money until the last day when she was expecting the rent by 2/20 was a game he played and he told me he would just hang on to it to piss her off because of her “game.”

Anxiety attack

My mom decided she will watch the kids if my husband and I want to go do something. She told me it would be for one evening, not all day because she didn’t want to do childcare all day, only for a coupe of hours. My dad and my brother went to the Redwood Forest with his sons for the weekend and they took the RV and my car along because my dad’s car can’t be pulled on the dolly behind the RV but my car can so they took it.

My husband and I went to Dave & Busters. It’s a restaurant arcade place and it’s also a sports bar. It was crowded, noisy, and packed. My husband charged our card and another card fell on the floor, it appeared out of nowhere, so I picked it up. I didn’t know where it came from so I decided to use it to see if it had money on it and it did. I wondered if I was being dishonest because someone had dropped it but I saw with my own eyes that it landed on the floor and it appeared out of nowhere. So I thought I had free points so i was using that card and then my husband decided to play a game so I handed him the other card he charged but he wanted to be sure that card worked so I slid it into one of the machines and it said it didn’t have enough to play the game so I then knew that was our card I picked up I saw land on the floor. The machine must have given him a new card. So I played Speed of Light and I wanted my husband to play it with me so we could hit more lit buttons but I felt he took off while I was playing.

After I was done, my husband was nowhere to be found so I had to look for him. I kept on looking and looking and then my thoughts start to take over. What if I never find him, what if I don’t get to play another game again, what if he uses up all the points and my thoughts start racing. I walk faster and faster and start having anxiety. I shout his name a few times but hear nothing. All I hear is the noise; people shouting and the arcade machines and people pounding on them. Then I start to cry and I can’t handle being in the place and I am looking like a crazy lady so I run out of there and head outside and run down to the other side and sit down beside the building. I didn’t want to be there anymore and I was no longer having fun and I just wanted to leave. I took out my phone and called my husband but couldn’t get a hold of him. I felt angry, angry for him taking off. Then some young man walked up to me and I thought he was going to bother me but he asked me if I know there is a payphone anywhere and I said no. He said thank you and walked away. Then I called my husband again and this time he picked up and I barely heard what he said because I started talking saying I wanted to go home and I am not having fun. I was shouting and crying in the phone and then I hung up after he said he was coming outside now. I saw him coming and I cried about him leaving me and now I am too embarrassed to go back inside. I asked him why did he leave me and why didn’t he play Speed of Light with me and he said he didn’t know I wanted him too and I said “I told you to play it with me” and he said he didn’t hear me because it’s loud in there. I guess I should have shouted. Then a security car drove by because they were patrolling the parking lot and they had their windows down and one of them asked if I was alright and my husband said I was and then he told me to wait at the bench so he can go talk to them. I waited and then my husband told me they needed to talk to me and I sighed and said “What for?” I was irritated and I was embarrassed and I didn’t want to talk about my situation. I don’t like talking about my issues. Instead only one of them asked if I was okay and I said “yes” and it didn’t sound great because my voice didn’t sound nice at all. It wasn’t directed at them, it was the mood I was in and how I was feeling and I can’t just change my tone all of a sudden.

Then they drove off and I was too embarrassed to go back inside and I didn’t feel like myself because of the anxiety attack I had. The outside looked all hazy so I asked my husband if there was smoke in the air and he pointed the to smokers who were standing by the building saying we were in a smoking area. I saw he misunderstood so I pointed to the air saying “it looks like there is smoke in the air” and he said “They’re clouds” and I said again “it looks like there is smoke all over” and I kept on pointing. He said it was the haze from the clouds, a form of fog. I then knew it wasn’t me and it was reality I was seeing. I just wanted to be sure.

Instead of heading home, we went into the mall instead it was quiet and very open space because it was not crowded. I wonder how many years before this mall starts to die and it becomes a dead mall? My husband doesn’t think it will happen. Dead malls seem to be more common back east. Here we love our malls so not many of them die. We have had several in my area and then they have come back to life and then one of them has died again and two others were torn down and turn into box development. I have a feeling another mall here is starting to die because I am seeing more and more vacant stores but lot of people still shop there. But it’s in the process of being renovated and maybe that will keep it from dying. But enough of that.

My husband said we wouldn’t go to the place when it’s real busy because I got over stimulated and I said I only got that way because I couldn’t find him and he said it was because there were too many people. I would have been fine honestly if he didn’t take off or if I had the card. I just realize now I could have stepped outside and call him on the phone instead of freaking out. My mom hates that word, to her freaking out implies having behavior problem, tantruming, throwing things and breaking stuff and acting like a wild animal and doing any sort of violence and screaming. So she finds that word derogatory. My husband has always used that word on himself when he has anxiety and he was using that word on me too when I start to worry and make a big deal out of things and one of them was when he needed a new phone and my mom told him that is normal in relationships, a new phone costs a whole month of my paychecks so I had a reason to worry and whenever there is a big expense you always talk about it with your partner, that is normal and the bank teller butted in saying “I could never get a new phone without telling my wife first or else I will be hearing about it for a while.” So my mom told him he will not use that word on me or she will defend me every time he does. Then he said he always uses that word when he worries and has anxiety and she told him what freaking out meant to her. Then my husband told her how that word was used when he was growing up and she told him that was wrong and that is not what freaking out means. My mom told me this story and I realized I didn’t know what that word really meant either. It’s like how people use the word retarded but have no clue what it means. They think it means dumb stupid, childish, immature, or just something they don’t agree with or like. I recently learned that thug meant black person and it’s a racial term and it was a dog whistle. I always thought a thug was a criminal, a trouble maker getting into trouble with the law or doing something illegal. But good thing I never used the term, that would have been worse than the time I used the word cheap not even knowing what that word really meant and it hurt my aunt and uncle and cousin. About retarded, I was taught to believe it was a figure of speech and it didn’t always mean a mentally retarded person. But maybe just maybe those kids in my school didn’t know what it meant and I thought they knew what it meant so I started to believe that word had changed and then I couldn’t figure out why anyone couldn’t grasp it was a figure of speech, would they take “raining cats and dogs” literal and refuse to believe it meant raining very hard? I used to think it was an autism thing that kept them from getting it and then I saw there were even NTs out there that didn’t get it either because they also took offense to the word and took it literal so I thought they were just stupid because I was too stuck on what I had learned in high school about the word so it was hard for me to learn those kids were wrong. Now I think they probably didn’t know what the word meant and I just assumed they knew what it meant so I learned the word had turned into a figure of speech like other sentences have which is why we have idioms. When we say kick the bucket, we do not mean a bucket was kicked so when people would use the word retarded, they are not talking about someone with that condition. I think I was 25 or 26 when I realized those girls were wrong. Even an aspie told me online that my ex boyfriend didn’t know what that word meant. My ex always used it, anything he didn’t like was “retarded.” Back on topic.

My husband and I went to the food court and we got hamburgers and Oreo shakes at Carl’s Jr. I didn’t realize I was hungry so maybe that was the problem. I still felt some pain from the anxiety and it was in my chest area so I realized I had a panic attack. Then we were done eating and we looked in Gamestop and then my husband had to use the bathroom so I waited at the store and played my Streetpasses. Then I was playing Pokemon Shuffle when he came back and I decided to go back to the noisy place. We had been gone long enough so people there have probably forgotten about me and wouldn’t know what I look like because there are too many people there. They won’t recognize the “crazy lady.” We went back and this time I kept the card and I stayed more with my husband. I did Doodle Jump and made it nearly to the top, I did Fruit Ninja, Cut the Rope, that coin machine Simpson game, the toss game where you throw balls at the clown faces, and we also played the other coin machine where we try and knock coins off and we would get tickets for it. One man next to us had a huge pile of tickets he won from the machine with coins. It was humongous. We also went to the counter several times to get our tickets put on the card so we wouldn’t have to carry them. Then they put them in the shredder to recycle them.

We didn’t play as many games this time because we got $10 in free games last time when we bought our first card for first visit and then we keep it. This time we got no free games. I also didn’t get a prize this time, last time I got a Mario puzzle and their prizes change.

On the way home I asked my husband why did he have to talk to the security and he said it was because he wanted them to know what was going on and someone probably called them. I told him I thought it was a coincidence they came by because they were patrolling the parking lot and he said “No I think someone inside called them because they saw you so they wanted to talk to me so I told you to stay put because they wanted to see us separately.” I asked him what did he tell them, did he tell them I just had an anxiety attack because I couldn’t find him and he said no he told them I had autism so I got over stimulated from all the lights and noise and then the security told them they had to talk to me to make sure I was alright. I asked why did they want to see us separate and he said to make sure he wasn’t beating me up and I said “does it look like I was beaten, I have no bruises” and he said “You don’t have to have bruises from getting beaten.” I also asked him why couldn’t he just say I had an anxiety attack because I couldn’t find him and he said it would lead to them asking a bunch of questions and he wanted to get them out of there because he knew I was embarrassed and he didn’t want me to be embarrassed even more. he was also worried they would think he was hurting me so they arrest him and I tell them “No no don’t take him away, he isn’t beating me” and I said I would have to bail him out which would suck (we are going on a trip next month) and my husband told me I had a new story I could write now, put in that Natalie gets overstimulated at the place so she has an anxiety attack and Steven gets arrested because they thought he was beating her so she has to go to court and tell the judge “he wasn’t hurting me, he was just taking care of me because I was over stimulated from all the noise so I freaked out, please let my daddy out.” I said she would more likely go in and explain and they drop all the charges and let him out with no bond because of a misunderstanding.

Sometimes my husband gives me story ideas but most of the time they are too over the top because they are always things you would find in a fap material story and I want mine to be realistic than fantasy or fap. Mine are still fantasy but I don’t make it all like you would read in typical AB/DL stories.

Lot of the games I played there Natalie played in my story at the Namco Funscape. But I still like my husband’s story idea but right now I am working on a new one and this time her mom comes to visit but she has turned into a social skills monster so it drives Natalie crazy because her mom over does it and she isn’t used to her mom being that way. She wants her old mom back than a mom who is over acting like an NT that it would annoy other NTs and Steven tells her to back off because her mom is only there for a few days so they can put up with it. In my story I call them normies. It sounds better. Some people use the term allistic, John Robison uses nypical and the rest prefer neurotypical (NT). My friend from Sweden calls them normies too but I think he got that from my stories. Normie was a word Natalie’s grandma used and then Anita and then Natalie starts using it because she learns it from them. The word NT does’t exist in their vocabulary. It does not in Natalie’s but she still uses the term normie.

But my husband thinks me having anxiety is what made me get overstimulated from the place because my anxiety kept me from being able to deal with it and when I got food put in my stomach, it gave me the ability to cope again and me having fun there is what kept my mind off the noise and lights. He is the same way with his pain, his computer game lessons his pain because it keeps his mind off it because he has it focused on something else. But ever since my diagnoses, everyone has been telling me what is going on in my brain and why I acted a certain way, you know making assumptions. But is it possible to not be aware? I dunno. My husband thinks I am in denial so I look for excuses such as “I was just hungry so I acted that way” or “that was just the anxiety” “I didn’t get enough sleep” to justify my moments and to say that wasn’t autism, that was just the anxiety.

But I felt bad for what happened and I kept on apologizing to him about it and he kept telling me he wasn’t mad and its okay. Now I see the simple solution was to take out my phone and call my husband before I “freak out” and there no anxiety attacks. I would have prevented one. I still would have had control of the situation because I had the phone unless he never picked up, then I might have had one. But I will know better next time. Always learn from experience and I have less anxiety that way because I know what to do. That was how I have learned to deal with sudden change at work such as if the elevators go out of service and my cart is trapped in the basement or on a floor and that would put me into a anxiety attack and have distress because of the major change in my work routine and I do not like surprises. My boss showed me what I do is take the stuff I need off my cart and put it in the trash bag and carry it upstairs so I started to do that. It was very annoying but once I got into this routine, the change wasn’t as hard to deal with if the elevators went out of service because the security people there to some test on them and it would piss me off if they did it a little too early. It’s at 5 PM when they do the testing, not at 4:56 damn it. Why did they start early so I marched up to the main floor and went to the front desk asking them why are they starting them early and one of them said “It’s 5 PM” and I said “No it’s not it’s 4:55.” Then I walked off. I was totally peeved they did not do it at 5 and stick with their time. I had planned to clock in early which I did just so I could bring my cart up to the floor before they started and they ruin it. But it’s been over a year now since they have done the testing and I do a different floor now so now my cart is on the same floor I work on so no elevator testing will affect me. I can use the stairs without having any anxiety about it because I can handle that little change. Just as long as I can do my job without anything stopping me, I am good. Using the stairs will not stop me. Someone took my rag from my cart and never returned it, I will just snatch a dirty one in the basement from the barrel where we put the dirty mop heads and rags. No anxiety.

Okay I will end this entry now since I am rambling.