Ugh my mind

Throughout my life as long as I can remember, my brain would get destructive sometimes. I would go through periods where I don’t care and just do things because I didn’t care. I would sometimes wish I would die or someone comes and takes me. Sometimes I would just wish abuse, the bullying, the teasing. I already got the teasing at school and the put downs. I used to just do things to provoke negative attention and get made fun of about it. In 6th grade I remember eating a bunch of cookies my mom made because I didn’t care. I remember being upset about something so I started eating a bunch of them. In seventh grade I used to just open a window so I would freeze and I always did this when I was upset and feeling bad about myself. When I was 16, I would scratch myself using glass and I still have two scars on my hand from it. At 14, I was mad about my boobs so I took a needle and put it through my skin on my boob because I hated how big they were. Is this why that boob makes less milk than the other? When I was 17, I did a joke online my pesky neighbor taught me he learned at school but instead people online got angry at me so I was hurt and upset and felt like spamming the board not caring. I remember throughout my teens I would talk back and get rude and disrespectful to my mother because I didn’t care. I felt so bad about myself. I would put myself down and my mom would make me say three positive things about myself. I have gone through these phases as an adult as well. Right now I feel everyone hates me and doesn’t care even though I know it’s not true. but my bran keeps insisting everyone does hate me and I am being ignored, no one cares. I have been more sensitive lately and it’s like my skin is growing thin now. I am thinking about now leaving all the forums I go to and have a break because I keep getting down every time something happens. A story got a comment and mine didn’t or I had posted a new story and only one left a comment and the others are getting comments, I got a rude comment, someone singled me out, someone posted a hate AB/DL video and it was by someone I admired and enjoyed for their blog and reading how they deal with their medical condition and trying to get rid of the stigma on adult diapers and incontinence, I post a silly thread and I get some criticism for it and then it was locked, someone posted a thread about honesty and why people hate it and I get flashbacks about my ex boyfriend and posts I had seen online by people who like to be abusive and call it honesty, threads about violent autistic kids or seeing violent kids on Dr. Phil, thinking someone lost interest in my story because he stopped answering my questions about my characters, an online friend wanting to write an essay and gave himself a due date but never sent it to me like he wanted to enough of all this and he did apologize later but I didn’t respond and kept on living my life because I didn’t know what to do and I was still too hurt and the fact I stopped being interested in friends because I am sick and tired of getting hurt and ugh enough of this. These bad feelings have been going on for long as I can remember since this year. I haven’t been feeling real happy and it comes and goes. Writing here feels like therapy because I am getting out my feelings and this is safe heaven for me.

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