So I am not lazy or a selfish parent

Things have gone so wrong with parenting these days. Yes parenting mistakes have always happened and everyone makes them.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/emma-jenner/modern-day-parenting-in-c_b_5552527.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063


1. A fear of our children.

I have given my son something to eat he wanted but then changes his mind and I refuse to give him something else. You said you wanted toast, I am not making you something else. You just said you wanted a banana, I am too afraid to give you anything else boy because what if you change your mind right after, then food wasted. I am not giving you something else. Don’t get me wrong, it is okay to change your mind but to do it so frequently is not okay. You must make up your mind and stick to it. If my kid were old enough to understand money, I would be making him pay for it himself so he would know how expensive food is and stop doing this. But thank goodness he stopped this nonsense because he hasn’t done it as much.

I have poured something for my son and he starts to whine because he had decided he wanted orange juice than water and I am refusing because I can’t be arsed to take out another cup and pour him some. Perhaps if he asked nicely and said it in his normal voice, I may have forced myself to do what he wanted. So I wasn’t being selfish or lazy. I know as a parent you will waste your money sometimes. I remember trying snowboarding when I was fifteen and I found it very difficult to do and my parents helped me with it and we were on the bunny hill for two hours. Then I was exhausted and I just went in the lodge and sat and my parents didn’t make me do it again just because they paid to rent the board. Mom told me then some parents would just make their kids do it again because they paid money for it. As a parent, I get why they would do that. But my parents were easy and they let me quit. I learned snowboarding was not my cup of tea. I stuck with skiing ever since which I hadn’t done since I was about 20 or 21. I got some for Christmas too one year and not sure where they went.

My husband was guilty of this mistake because he didn’t want him to throw a fit and my mom set him straight. She let him know it was okay to let him get upset because he has to learn to be patient and wait and use words and not throw fits when he wants something. He has to use words and not throw a fit when he asks. If we both kept giving in so he won’t throw a fit, he will never learn and he will grow into a brat and just scream for whatever he wants than using words. My husband was convincing me what I was doing was wrong but mom told me I was right.

2. A lowered bar

I may be guilty of this. I don’t take my son to sit down restaurants alone and I do have to tell him to bring his plate to the sink. Then I tell him what a good boy he is. My son listens to his dad better than me because I can tell him nicely what to do and he acts up after a while. I took my son to soccer camp again and he did much better than last time. My husband said it was because he knew how to get him to act that way. I think he is better at it than me. He knows what to say to him and what words to use. He told me he had to tell him he can’t play soccer and won’t come back if he doesn’t listen and do what the teacher says and he was good after that. He wasn’t perfect but he did good. I asked my husband if he was serious and he said if he had to yeah and I said it would be a waste of money and he said if it came down to that, we wouldn’t have a choice. Sometimes you do have to waste money as a parent to teach your kids. Last time I was always holding my son to keep him from running off because he didn’t like doing the warm ups and he only wanted to kick balls and cones but not wait in line or do any warm ups. I had to keep talking to him and it was a relief to see a few other toddlers not listening either and their dads had to keep grabbing them and bringing them back to their spot but the rest acted good. I do copy what my husband does but my son seems to see right through me and not listen and not act as good. It’s like he can see something about me, someone he can push around.

3. We’ve lost the village.

This isn’t anything new, this went on when I was a kid because my mom told me stories about it I remember. Yes there are times when you do have to defend your child because you full well know they didn’t do it. Like the time in Montana when we first moved there, we were at the lake and my brothers were playing and my brother was looking at a rock and he moved his hand above it and some other father took it personal and complained to my mom about it and my mom said “No he did not, I know my son.” Then she didn’t want any of us near that guy. My mom knew what he did but she knew he did not do it to upset the guy whatever he accused him of. I didn’t get it back then and still don’t. Something about flicking a rock. Plus they made me a babysitter for their five year old because she decided she wanted to play with me and kept on grabbing onto me and the mother told me she can’t swim so don’t go too deep. Seesh, whenever my son does that kind of stuff, I tell him to not bother the person and I come get him if he doesn’t listen. Plus she was in underwear with nothing on so it was very confusing because I was taught you get too old for that when you get to that age and I didn’t run around in my panties only at five. I had to wear clothes or a swimsuit so why was she like that? I can remember asking my mom about it when we left because I was confused. Then I learned six and up is when you’re too old and if you are five and in preschool you’re not too old but five and in kindergarten, too old. Plus it was the parents that let her do it and mine were different.

I was at the mall last summer and I was in the play area watching my son play and he was doing good. Other kids were playing with him too. I saw a little girl crying and she went running to her father saying my son hit her but he had barely touched her so I didn’t say anything and the father didn’t see it because he wasn’t looking. I continued watching and I wasn’t even reading or playing a game because I was watching my son making sure he won’t run out of the area and to make sure he plays nicely. Then all of a sudden another dad came up to me asking “Do you know whose kid that is?” and I asked “what kid” and he tells me the boy in the red and I realize he means my son so I asked “what about him?” and his tone changes telling me he has a bad temper. I was like “huh?” because he wasn’t mad or angry. He had been calm. The father starts saying he is hitting and beating other kids up. Taking it literal, I thought it was BS because no one was hurt and he had never beat anyone up and no one is hurt and there is no one calling 911 or any black eyes or any kid needing an ice pack. So I defend him saying he has not beat anyone up. Maybe if I wasn’t paying attention or watching him, then I would have believed them but still know he has not beaten anyone up because I don’t see any kids hurt. They also say he had hit that crying girl and I said he barely touched her. I should have told them other kids were grabbing at him too and swinging their arms at him and he was doing the same back. But I defended him and took him out of the area and left. I am sure I looked like one of those parents but I had been watching all along and he did none of that stuff they were claiming. All I saw were kids running around and playing and swinging their arms at each other and grabbing. No one was saying stop or getting upset. Perhaps the parents didn’t like the game they were playing so they had to use my son as a scapegoat. I wonder why they didn’t complain to other parents about their kids who were doing the same or tell their own kids to stop that game. But in real life I suck with speech and comebacks and by the time I think of what I could have said, the situation has already ended and it’s the next day. Instead I just freeze up as it happens. All I did was say he wasn’t beating anyone up and I had been watching him and I never saw him do any of it. I was put off by the guy’s tone so I reacted to it in defense. Plus I don’t like tension or drama or conflicts. I am afraid of getting too upset I do something I regret and I am an adult now, not a child so there are charges now than being sent to the office or to the library or being sent out to go for a walk with a teacher.
I learned later “beating other people up” is an exaggeration term parents use and they don’t mean their kids are getting black eyes or broken bones or bruises or bloody noses.

4. A reliance on shortcuts.

Guilty. Mom had to tell me it’s okay to let my baby cry and she needs to learn to self soothe and don’t pick hr up every time she fusses. I was mistaking her whining for crying and her making sounds for crying. She is making noise now but isn’t crying and I am just leaving her there. I guess I need to stop bouncing the bouncer or putting her in her swing because she needs to self soothe and learn it.

When you see how wonderful it is that Caillou can entertain your child on a flight, don’t be tempted to put it on when you are at a restaurant. Children must still learn patience. They must still learn to entertain themselves.

Wait a minute, I have read at the table, listened to music, wrote, played video games and did a word search while waiting because I hate waiting and I get bored. Now I am reading it’s not right to let a kid do this? But this is keeping themselves entertained. People talk at the table while waiting for their food, that is keeping themselves entertained. Kids get menus to color on. I guess I disagree with this part of the article. I wonder if it was wrong of my parents to not go to sit down restaurants for a while because I would get anxious for the food to come and would always be bored. My mom pinned that down to hormones. So we always went to buffets instead where we got food right away than sit and wait for it. So here I am refusing to take my son to sit down restaurants unless I am with my mom or dad or husband. He seems to do better with other people with me.

But I do tell my son to get up if he falls. I am not lazy for doing this.

5. Parents put their children’s needs ahead of their own.

Oh yes, I have thought parents go way too far with kids come first. Sometimes your health comes first because if that isn’t taken care of, it will affect your parenting. Someone on I2 gave themselves a heart attack because he refused to put him fist before is kids so he got one and nearly died. If he had died, his kids would have been left without a father because he neglected his health. I don’t remember the details about this.

My husband fell and hurt his back so he needed to rest to get better so I was doing everything myself and getting stressed out from it and he did his best taking care of him while I went to work and he didn’t have a choice but to take care of him while I was away because we didn’t have anyone to watch our kid and his mom couldn’t always come out and do it. He wasn’t getting any better until my parents came out and got him and bam he started to heal because he wasn’t forced to move around and to lift him or reach up for stuff while giving him something to eat.

I do make my son wait like I will be on the computer and I won’t give him what he wants right away but I see it as teaching him patients.

Thank you Emma for reassuring me I am doing nothing wrong as a parent.

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