So hot here

We have been hit by a heatwave. We have had rain and now it’s all hot and it was in the 90’s today. Worst of all, my AC in my car doesn’t work so I drive with the windows down. I just have to get it fixed before our trip this summer. There are a few other things wrong with my car and it has a short in it, the antenna won’t go down all the way, you need to open the trunk with your key, and the fluid that cleans the windshield won’t work, and the air bag censor is off, paint is peeling off the bumper where cars have hit it, and the hood won’t stay open alone so you have to hold it open or use something to hold it open, the light inside the car to help you see at night when you look in it is burned out. It’s a 15 year old car and it still runs good.I just had the thing on the trunk fixed because it snapped off and it was busted so I had to get it fixed and it had to be fixed or the water will get in the trunk when it rains. Someday that car will be junked when it starts to break down more and need constant repairs. Old cars are expensive.

It was bad yesterday because it was hot out and windows were left open so it made our inside of our house hot and then there was my son whining and screaming and not listening to me and my legs were sore so yeah that sure made things better for me (sarcasm). But today I felt better. I kept all the windows closed to keep in the cold air and I got a couple compliments on my pregnancy. I went to my appointment again and the doctor told me I move good because I got up and got on the table and I stopped at a yard sale and one of the ladies there running it told me how could I be outside in this heat while pregnant. Hearing these sort of comments makes me feel god inside because I feel exceptional. Other pregnant women are having trouble and here I am doing good. I have even been complimented  at the doctor’s office about two visits ago that he is surprised I am still working because the kind of job I have is active and I am on my feet all the time, it’s not a sit down job. I still go for my walks too despite getting cramps in my legs. I just slow down or rest for a few seconds and then start moving again. But at least my belly doesn’t hurt anymore nor my rib cage. Sometimes I get cramping in my lower belly. I am so anxious for her to come out because I feel fat and I wonder what my body will look like this time postpartum.

Today I didn’t even want to go outside because it’s so hot out. I could never stand hot weather nor heat. I just stayed on the porch in the shade and took my shirt off and my son played in the yard. It was a lot cooler inside. Then around seven I went for my walk because it had cooled down thanks to the sun being gone. It was still daylight but the sun wasn’t over us anymore. It’s cool in the basement but when I went back upstairs, it felt hot but I keep the fan running in my room and open my window at night for cool air. In our apartment, we had to use the AC to cool the place down because the heat would get trapped and the air was still so we got no cool breeze inside because the air would be still and not come in. Then I would turn it off and use running fans. Tomorrow the AC guy is coming over to fix our AC for our home. I am just living the old way, going nude but I use a robe of course to cover up and I am sleeping naked in my bra and socks and diaper. I put my swim bottoms over it to make it feel right because I had diapers feeling loose on me and saggy and I could never seem to get them tight enough.

I also started packing for the hospital. Clothes to wear there and to wear back and I will just be wearing their gowns and slippers there like I did last time so I don’t really need my own gown and slippers. I won’t need breast pads since I didn’t use them last time in the hospital, I didn’t wear a bra either while I was there but I will bring one with when I go, I also have my daughter;s clothes, one newborn and one 0-3 months. Last time I had a welcome home outfit, it was too big for my son so I wished I had brought a newborn outfit so I am bringing both this time just in case. I also have a blanket to wrap my baby in and I have enough blankets already so I don’t need more. Now I just need to make a list what I want to bring so I won’t have to send my husband home or my mom and dad to get stuff I want to use there like I did last time with my husband and uncle or with his parents. Our apartment was right across the river so it wasn’t a long drive to get home and back but this time it will be longer because we live across town and I always left an hour before my transfusion and always had 15 minutes left to spare when I got there so 45 minutes it took me because of traffic. But the list will just help me so that way when I go into labor, all I need to do is get a bag and put my stuff in it and the stuff I always use and then head there. Last time I had to pack and I did it while in labor and I had to think what to bring. Now this time I am getting prepared before 39 weeks because that was when my son was born. This time I will have my movie camera but I don’t think my husband or my parents would want to film our daughter coming out of me. Last time I had my husband take pictures but he didn’t take any of our son coming out, just when his head was starting to come out. I was advised to not put them on Facebook or people wouldn’t want to see my photos again so I didn’t put them there. I’m glad I didn’t because who knows how many “friends” I would have lost.

I wonder if this warm weather would go away and it will be in the 60’s or 70’s as normal. This feels like summer instead of spring. When it gets to the above 80’s here, we call it a heatwave. It’s hard for poor people so places have shelters for them to go and keep cool because they cannot afford AC. I just used fans and kept my clothes off because I refuse to spend lot of money on AC so I don;t know how I would be able to afford to live down South or in California where AC is a necessity because of how hot it gets and how often it;s hot. For them the 90’s or the 100’s is the norm while for us it’s not so it’s a heatwave and I do use AC in that period but when it’s in the 80’s or below, no way. I grew up without AC and we did just fine because we lived in the Pacific Northwest where it doesn’t get too hot out in the summer and the 70’s was average so to me that was always hot. To other people who live in hotter climates, that is nothing so it feels cool to them. Now living in Montana, that was tough in the summer because it always got to the 80’s or 90s or 100’s and it felt like California and my home had poor insulation so it was easily hot inside. I would go to my parents to stay cool or I just went naked in my home when I get home from work and I slept with no covers. I used to spend all my time in the basement where it was cool when I was a teen because the upstairs would be so hot. So me to me AC is just a luxury where I live. I would only use it on very hot days for a certain periods of amount and if my kids want to keep cool and want to use AC, they can pay for it. But sadly I am outvoted because everyone else wants AC but me so I can’t like not tell my kids when they are teens and earning their own money, they want AC, they can help pay for the electric bill. I would get rid of cable too but my parents want it so we’re stuck with it and my husband handles the finances because I was upset and saying how I shouldn’t have to pay for things I don’t want because it’s not fair to be forced to pay for something I don’t want because everyone else wants to use it. So that is why my husband handles it because money stresses me out and I am a saver, most people are in between. I breast feed because of it, use cloth, use cloth breast pads, use cloth diapers for myself, I’m cheap everyone calls me. My mother in law calls me thrifty. I will even buy kid clothes at yard sales or thrift stores because they grow so fast. When my husband decided to use heat in our bedroom in our apartment, I stopped using heat out in the living room to save on electric and I would bundle our son up and dress him warm like he is outside so he would stay warm. That’s how cheap I am. My parents refuse to dress like the outdoors inside so I am also outvoted for not using heat so that is why my husband handles the finances. I also don’t find it fair to have to pay a higher gas bill for heat I didn’t even want to use so those who want it, can pay it and I will pay for the hot water part since that uses gas. After seeing Extreme Cheapskates, I told my husband I am not cheap because I don’t live like those people and he told me I am cheap, those people are just extreme and I am not that cheap. having money anxiety, I can understand where those people are coming from so I don;t see them as all entirely selfish. Part of me feels angry about it and the other part is understanding. I just wonder how their partners could live that way and the ones I feel more critical about are the ones who have kids because they are forced to live that way and I don’t find it right. It also helps me feel better about myself because I am not that bad as they are and I am not that cheap. Sometimes my money anxiety does make me selfish and I miss out on doing stuff because of money. At least when I was a kid, I didn’t even have to worry about all this money crap and bills and expenses so that is one thing I miss about being a kid. Life was less stressful then because my mom did stuff for me kids don’t have to worry about. Now that I am an adult, life is more stressful and my anxiety increased because of it. I think I have always had it, it just didn’t get more prominent until I was older because things change as you get older and don’t forget hormones. Mine was real bad in my teens and then it got better because I am not in school and not with my brothers and I think I got over the hormonal thing teens go through during puberty. My mom agrees I may have had anxiety my whole life. I can look back and I remember how upset I used to get, would yell and scream when things not go my way or go the way I expected and getting upset when I would come home from school and see my brothers and their friends had wrecked the Brio train set and it would upset me because it was like coming home and finding things had been taken from your home, same as when my room would be messed with or my doll house or my playhouse or if something was missing that belonged to me and it was taken, and my mom would get mad at me for all those things and I wonder if it was just anxiety I was having. All those things would upset me while for other kids, they didn’t act the way I did. So in ways my childhood was harder than it is now. There are pros and cons to being a kid and being an adult.

Past midnight now so now today has become yesterday now when I finish this entry and yesterday has become Wednesday.


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