My mother is full of surprises sometimes. We both go on an outing. She shows me a package of disposable underwear and asks me if they are the right size for me. I look and they are. I ask her why does she have them and she said someone gave them to her because they got them for someone and they didn’t fit. So I said I could use them. She also gave me rash cream when we got back. She is a nurse so she goes to peoples houses and takes care of the old folks who are dying and some of them wear diapers. Maybe all of them do. So this lead onto the discussion about diapers and I said I was wearing a pull up because I am having diarrhea and I don’t want to have an accident in my diaper. Pull ups makes it easier for me to get to the toilet and I don’t like doing it in my diaper because it’s uncomfortable. I brought up that one incident about when we were coming back from Mexico and I was sick so I had a messy accident in my diaper and it didn’t help that she got mad at me for it. She then told me she didn’t understand it then and didn’t know I was sick at the time. Then when she saw I was very upset she felt bad. She told me she didn’t understand the whole diaper thing then and she was opposed to it. She thought there I was wearing them and then I poop in it and she didn’t want to be near me and then she had to and everyone around us had to smell it. I told her it was very humiliating and I was stupid to not bring any pull ups with and I had ran out of diapers on the way back. I didn’t know I would still be having diarrhea and if she remembered me going into the bathroom at the Mexico airport, it was because I had an accident so I had to get cleaned up. I used my last diaper. Mom then asked me if I didn’t know I was going to poop when I farted and I told her I got very bad cramps and then it came out and it became a good thing I brought them with or else I’d be having messy panties and have it dripping down my legs. I do not like having diarrhea in my diapers because it’s uncomfortable, and it’s runny. Mom told me I wasn’t stupid for not bringing any pull ups with because I am human and I didn’t know it was going to happen.
I had no idea she was opposed to it. She let me wore them then and never took them away but she was not happy when she saw them in my suitcase when we were going to Mexico.
Mom told me she doesn’t let it bother her anymore and she has gotten used to it and she knows it’s something I “need” and it’s part of who I am and she has came to accept it. But she told me she still doesn’t understand it and back then she found it all sick and twisted. I told her there are things out there I find sick like scat play, bed wetting without diapers, pants messing and pants wetting without diapers, water sports, but I have to realize some people find what I do is sick so I shouldn’t judge others who do those things. To each their own.
I also told her I will always like diapers and it’s like a mental illness because it will never go away. Even doctors will say that and say you just have to accept it. Mom asked me if I went to a therapist about it or something and I told her no it’s what I have read online and that is what they had gotten from their doctor. Some people with it have tried to get rid of it but then they get told they can’t get over it and they need to accept it and they are not hurting anyone. They learn to deal with it and accept it. I told her about my last two therapists i saw and none of them had a problem with it. They thought it was interesting and they had never heard of it before. One of them heard of it in school in psychology class and they were learning about fetishes and infantilism was one of them and she thought that was interesting. My last one said I make the adult decision to wear. I told her I call it a fetish because it’s considered one so I call it that and say I have one. People argue over the word and it’s a controversial thing because people argue over rather it’s one or not. fetish usually implies sexual and for them it’s not sexual so they say it’s not one but for others it is. I told her I find them a little sexual but I doubt I am turned on by them 24/7 and my husband and I use them for sex. Mom asked me how do we use them for sex and then she cut me off telling me forget she asked it, she doesn’t want to know.
There are lot of things I wonder about like when did she start to accept it, did she look it up online or something, is she worried about my son, what does she think of me proving her wrong, did she try to shame me out of them, if she was opposed to me wearing diapers, why didn’t she take them away from me or kick me out, it was her home, is she still embarrassed about it, does she still blame herself on me liking them. I wanted to bring the discussion back up again after we left the mall but I wasn’t sure if she would want to talk about it because in the past she didn’t like it and she made it clear to me that she doesn’t like it and she loathes it and it makes her feel like she is going to throw up.
Now she is giving me diapers whenever she has any that are given to her? I wonder if they knew about me wearing them or why else would they be given to her? Did my mother say she could take them to see if I would use them? I just find it odd someone would give diapers to someone who doesn’t even need them so I am thinking my mother probably told them she could take them and see if I might take them.
We talked about other things too like my problems I have and she thinks I need to go to counseling so I have someone to dump my obsessions on so I am not stressing my husband out with it. She also thinks I need to get on some medicine for my anxiety. I have been happy and feeling fine and she told me I was being a mule. The bad part of that topic is hearing how impaired I really am by my symptoms and people who live with me 24/7 have to be the brunt of it all and everyone else outside my home wouldn’t have a clue. Even me coping with them and masking them which are my obsessions still causes an impairment because it effects my husband and my parents and I forget about my son, not literally. I sometimes feel like a bad mother and I try and put him first and it’s very hard. I get days where I will just let him stay up with me until I go to bed and mom told me everyone is like that but I do it more often and then they all have to pay for it the next day because he is over tired and hyper and didn’t get enough sleep.
i will just say this is all karma for me judging other parents, especially aspie ones, and I was naive to think just because I am mild, I will be a normal parent and it won’t effect my parenting and my problems would magically go away when it comes to raising him because I thought I’d be god. I sure became one when I was pregnant. My eating disorder went away and I always remembered to eat. I was more motivated to go for my walks and I ate very healthy and then in my last month of my pregnancy, I started to get lazy and I had no appetite and I had to force myself to eat and it was very hard and I had to remember harder to do it. I just didn’t eat as much. I was god with my baby until he was around nine months because it got harder. Just to be clear, I did not have a child just to cure my problems. Now I judge parents less now when they have problems and aspie ones too. I also feel less judgmental towards parents who beat their kids or neglect them due to severe depression. I feel I am in no place to judge.