I should have not married my husband. My mistake. I knew about his health problems and knew his feet were going to get worse and there come a point where he won’t be able to work anymore. Dad has always taught me from my teens that worrying is a waste of time. Well I should have worried from the start and not be with him. I figured I would worry about it when the time comes and it has. But too late now because we have a son together and things wouldn’t be any better if I left him. Plus we finally got the house and we get the keys to it soon. My husband finally returned to work full time but he has missed three days so far. Today is his third because of his feet and him having seizures. I fear for him. I fear he will have one and get hurt again and miss work again. Then it effects me and we have less income and it be more stress on me. I can’t function well in life if things are rough. He keeps saying everything is fine but they’re not. How are we supposed to save money if he keeps getting sick? If my car breaks down or something needs to be fixed, we have no car then. All our savings is gone because it went to the house.
I just feel like ending my life to end my suffering to get away from my shitty life. Things have been bad since last fall and then he get better and then he get worse again. Maybe someone on a forum was right, things won’t ever get better and I shouldn’t have another child. But luckily we have a supportive family. Sure they will get better but then something else will always go wrong. Gets better and then something else goes wrong all because of his birth defects in his feet and his seizures. He even has a weak stomach too and the pain makes him throw up so he is unable to take his medicine for his seizures or else he throws it right up. I found out he vomits afterwards when we were together.
I was doing fine today and all happy until my husband told me his doctor may not let him go back to work. Big mistake, all my anxiety came back and this blog entry exists because of it. He tried to take it back but too late. He already said it. Him telling me he is going back to work tomorrow as of right now but he had already said he was not sure if his doctor will let him work tomorrow. He says he will get on Social Security if he has to. But he makes it sound so simple. Lot of people get denied the first time, it takes months to get on it or a year or two.
But if it weren’t for me picking to be with my husband, I would not have had my precious boy.