My husband has finally healed. His back is back to normal and he has been released to go back to work full time. But his work won’t let him work part time there because the building is so strict. So they tried to find him work elsewhere and no part time jobs were open. So he is still not working but he is still getting disability. He is doing more now and he is no longer struggling to move to get to the bathroom. Now he has to get back on his normal sleep schedule. Now it’s his tooth that is bothering him. He had a seizure and fell out of his chair and on his face and now his tooth is bothering him. But he will still be returning to work with it he says and will still be able to take care of our son. He doesn’t need to use his tooth to do it but he does need to use his back so that was why he was unable to do it for while. He had to have his mom come out and help and she couldn’t always do it. I offered to tie him in his chair so he won’t fall out but he refused. I even said I would put the knot in front of him so he can untie himself and he still refused.
Now that my husband is better and we are getting disability, I am feeling normal again and not so burned out and shut down. I am not even using my pacifier at night anymore. I am not feeling often anymore I wish I could escape adulthood. Now I wish my son were here so I could hold him and my dad said he will bring him back anytime we want him to. I reorganized his room by putting the diapers in his closet and I just moved the boxes aside so I can get to the changing table. I will also have to unpack his 24 months clothes and 2Ts and his cloth diapers. I can always buy more packing tape if I run out when I re tape them. I would also have to unpack the childproof stuff too.
But I am still thinking if this is good for him or not. He is so happy out there and he has this huge yard to play in and here I can always bring him to the park and have him run around there. I am also nervous because my husband sleeps during the day and what if I forget to feed him again? I am not as obsessive because I am not so stressed anymore. He eats all solids now and I wouldn’t know what to feed him for lunch or dinner. I know my husband can help me out when he is awake.
Before you have kids, everyone tells you you will be a good mother, you will be able to figure it all out, your baby won’t let you forget to feed them, you will love your kid so much you be able to do anything, you will have super power. Not their exact words but that is what they imply or act like that you be able to do anything now matter what crap you go through or what happens. Then I have read about mommy martyrs online and I know you don’t need to make all these sacrifices nor always have kids come first because stuff you read about being a martyr is a bad thing. I know my mother did “me” time when I was little and she was not afraid to say no.
I still bought my son a pair of shoes, more plastic pants, and a book about potty training. He is close to ready and is always dry so I may dry it again when he comes home. Read the book to him and have him sit on the potty when he wakes up and before bed. But I don’t want to rush it. He is taking his diapers off now, gives you a diaper when he is wet or messy but that doesn’t mean he will sit on the potty. He was scared when I put him on it naked and he never played with it again. Oops. I also want to try and measure him when he comes home so I can see how tall he is. Then it will help me shop for his clothes when the tags mention height for each size.
I keep asking my husband about having our son back and he keeps leaving it up to me. So I am stuck with my emotional thoughts and logical thoughts trying to decide what is best for him and if I should have him come home or not. I want him home because I want to see him again and hold him and hug him and play with him and take him to the park and just be with him, and the logical part is telling me about what if I fail again and what if my husband can’t help me because he has to sleep. I keep thinking about him more and more now because my husband is better. And here I am getting his room ready for him to come back. Now I can’t even see the boxes in his room because I have moved them aside.