Ready to have my son back

My husband has finally healed. His back is back to normal and he has been released to go back to work full time. But his work won’t let him work part time there because the building is so strict. So they tried to find him work elsewhere and no part time jobs were open. So he is still not working but he is still getting disability. He is doing more now and he is no longer struggling to move to get to the bathroom. Now he has to get back on his normal sleep schedule. Now it’s his tooth that is bothering him. He had a seizure and fell out of his chair and on his face and now his tooth is bothering him. But he will still be returning to work with it he says and will still be able to take care of our son. He doesn’t need to use his tooth to do it but he does need to use his back so that was why he was unable to do it for while. He had to have his mom come out and help and she couldn’t always do it. I offered to tie him in his chair so he won’t fall out but he refused. I even said I would put the knot in front of him so he can untie himself and he still refused.

Now that my husband is better and we are getting disability, I am feeling normal again and not so burned out and shut down. I am not even using my pacifier at night anymore. I am not feeling often anymore I wish I could escape adulthood. Now I wish my son were here so I could hold him and my dad said he will bring him back anytime we want him to. I reorganized his room by putting the diapers in his closet and I just moved the boxes aside so I can get to the changing table. I will also have to unpack his 24 months clothes and 2Ts and his cloth diapers. I can always buy more packing tape if I run out when I re tape them. I would also have to unpack the childproof stuff too.

But I am still thinking if this is good for him or not. He is so happy out there and he has this huge yard to play in and here I can always bring him to the park and have him run around there. I am also nervous because my husband sleeps during the day and what if I forget to feed him again? I am not as obsessive because I am not so stressed anymore. He eats all solids now and I wouldn’t know what to feed him for lunch or dinner. I know my husband can help me out when he is awake.

Before you have kids, everyone tells you you will be a good mother, you will be able to figure it all out, your baby won’t let you forget to feed them, you will love your kid so much you be able to do anything, you will have super power. Not their exact words but that is what they imply or act like that you be able to do anything now matter what crap you go through or what happens. Then I have read about mommy martyrs online and I know you don’t need to make all these sacrifices nor always have kids come first because stuff you read about being a martyr is a bad thing. I know my mother did “me” time when I was little and she was not afraid to say no.

I still bought my son a pair of shoes, more plastic pants, and a book about potty training. He is close to ready and is always dry so I may dry it again when he comes home. Read the book to him and have him sit on the potty when he wakes up and before bed. But I don’t want to rush it. He is taking his diapers off now, gives you a diaper when he is wet or messy but that doesn’t mean he will sit on the potty. He was scared when I put him on it naked and he never played with it again. Oops. I also want to try and measure him when he comes home so I can see how tall he is. Then it will help me shop for his clothes when the tags mention height for each size.

I keep asking my husband about having our son back and he keeps leaving it up to me. So I am stuck with my emotional thoughts and logical thoughts trying to decide what is best for him and if I should have him come home or not. I want him home because I want to see him again and hold him and hug him and play with him and take him to the park and just be with him, and the logical part is telling me about what if I fail again and what if my husband can’t help me because he has to sleep. I keep thinking about him more and more now because my husband is better. And here I am getting his room ready for him to come back. Now I can’t even see the boxes in his room because I have moved them aside.

My husband took…

My husband took me out to dinner when I got home from work on my birthday. We went to the IHOP and I had a fruit cup and two pancakes and a hash brown stack. Then he let me go diaperless when we got home because it was my birthday.

But we got another paycheck from welfare for his disability and I went out yesterday and look in the thrift stores for diapers and got a bunch. I even got pull ups too and underpads. I even got some in my size too and undergarments. I plan to use them as stuffers but I wore a size small Tena and a medium sized Wings diaper so it hold more and not leak. It was nice and thick and I peed in it six times at work. I even had to use scotch tape to tape over the hole I found in my diaper so my pants wouldn’t get wet.

I am even breastfeeding my husband and plan on doing it everyday and I decided to keep him in diapers until he returns to work. He has the appointment on the 23rd and he wants to go back to work part time. My mother recommended it so it looks good for our house we are getting. I have already changed him twice already and now it the trash needs to be taken out. I got another diaper pail for used diapers so I have one, our son has one and I have that bucket for my cloth ones. I have been using my son’s diaper champ for our used diapers and it gets full pretty fast. I also breast feed my husband in the mornings and at night and sometimes during the day. Better than using the breast pump and I love nursing him. This will help with my weight so I won’t have an eating disorder. I think I have metabolism problems because if I eat too much, my weight goes up and doesn’t go back down when I get up the next day. So it makes me not eat much. But when I was breastfeeding I could eat very well and not gain weight, I still fluctuated. Now I don’t as well anymore and I fear of getting fat because I have heard horror stories how people gain weight no matter how little they eat and their weight keeps going up up up and I don’t want that to be me so that is why I would starve myself so I can stay thin. So if my weight doesn’t drop over night, I get scared and worry I am going to get fat. Doctors keep telling me it won’t happen but I am scared. I am probably a hypochondriac. I feel I would have to walk five miles a day just to stay thin and drop three pounds over night like I used to in my teens when I ate three meals a day and had no snacks ad no seconds. I don’t want to spend all my time working out just to have a high metabolism. Plus I don’t eat much anyway because I forget to eat because I get so focused in my interests. At least that helps keep me thin and I don’t keep on losing weight for it.

I hope we get this house. We have so many diapers now, they are in our son’s room. I have no where else to put them except for under our bed. In our new house we be putting the extra diapers in the attic when we are not using them. I hope they won’t get ruined in the heat up there.

Just as long as I am the mommy, I am not forced into diapers anymore. But I keep myself in diapers because I like wearing them. I think I will keeping hitting the thrift stores maybe once a month for diapers and keep hitting them until I find some. I got over 100 yesterday. I counted them and then stopped when I realized I got more than 60 diapers. I’m also deciding if I ever see diapers in thrift stores, get them. It’s good to stock up. If we get this house they all be up in the attic. If not, I can keep them out in the garage or basement and if we have no more room for diapers, I won’t be getting more diapers. I do hope we get this house because the attic is great for putting our extra diapers. Sadly you need a ladder to get above out bedroom in the house. There is no built in ladder. I can always toss them up there too and then climb up and put them away.

I got to see my son again

My mom had an interview yesterday so she and dad came out Sunday and dropped him off here. I saw how much he had changed in a month. He got more hair, he had grown, he still looked the same size, not fat, his sound of voice and cries was different, his molars were grown in now, I saw his new clothes, he played more and I saw how he played with his dirt bike, he kept crawling onto my lap and then husbands and onto mine again. I was so happy to see him, I held him and kissed him. My husband thought he got a hair cut but he didn’t. I even slept with him  on the hide abed with him and he was so quiet.

Then yesterday my husband made me take him to the zoo. He said little girls like zoos so have fun with him and he made me go. I was concerned about money because I had spent enough already. I got a Hello Kitty AB outfit from someone, I got some free pull ups and had to pay shipping so I felt that was enough. But husband made me go. So I packed two of his diapers in my purse and a thing of wipes and two shorts for in case of leaks. So I took him to the zoo and was only there for three hours. I didn’t spend that much there because children 2 and under are free and I only bought snacks because it was cheaper. I tried t make him play with the fake log kids like to play in and slide down that is between two paths. But he got scared so I put him back in his stroller. I took him to a couple of petting zoos and he pet the goats and I washed his hands. I showed him the animals and I used the bathroom twice. I refused to use my diaper so he got to see his mommy use the toilet. Maybe he will think he can use the potty and still wear diapers but not use them. He even leaked badly too so I put him on the changing table and changed him and put him in clean shorts.

Then we came home after the zoo and some man told me on the train I have a lot to learn. I am not sure why he said that. I don’t know if it was meant to be criticism or if it was just a comment. He said it loud enough for me to hear but I am not sure if he meant for me to hear it. My son kept screaming on the train and I kept trying to sush him and I would not let him walk around because I didn’t want him to fall down the steps. I even told him to stop it and be quiet. Then I just let him crawl on the floor and I watched him t make sure he isn’t bothering anyone and not going down the stairs. Then that was when the young man told me I had a lot to learn. He said “You have a lot to learn lady.” Maybe he was one of those childfree folks perhaps. They always think parents have the magical power to control their kids and keep the quiet like they have switches or they think kids can never be out in public if they are screamers. I didn’t think my son would do that because he has never done it before. It’s a new phase now for him. I was hoping he stay this quiet well behaved child and not turn into a brat. But at least i was watching him and telling him to sush but even that isn’t always good enough for a childfree person. Plus I knew he was tired so we were going home and he slept for two hours. My husband had to get him to sleep and he put him in his crib. My mother in law and my sister in law both came here while I was at work so they could see him. They gave him a bath, fed him and played with him and were only here for one or two hours, then they left. David slept all night on the couch and never woke up, he did a few cries but go back to sleep. I slept with him on the couch with him in my arms and then he woke up between 8 and 9 am and acted real bratty. He would not eat what we gave him and he kept crying and screaming and he also played. Then he handed me a jar of babyfood and I fed it to him.

Then today my parents swung by and we all went to breakfast and my husband stayed home and slept because his took kept him up all night. He needs to see a dentist but has no dental insurance anymore. But our kid shrieked at the restaurant too and my mom had to take him outside and then she brought him back in and she told me when he scream, I just put my hand over his mouth, do not tell him to be quiet or else that draws more attention from people around us and disturbs them more. So I kept putting my hand over his mouth as my dad kept telling him to stop and be quiet. Then after our food came and I was done eating, mom told me to just take him and leave because he didn’t want to be here anymore and he stopped screaming when I was leaving and he was quiet on the way home. Stinker. I hope he doesn’t think if he wants to leave a place just keep shrieking and we will leave. But I went home and I let him play and I did the computer and my parents came back to get his stuff to pack in their car to go home.

Mom did make a comment about my diapers again. Mom was resting on the couch and I smelled poo and knew it was my son that did it. I changed him on the couch and I saw it was only a small ball of poo and I said he didn’t even go that much and I could just dump it in the toilet but since I didn’t buy the diapers, I don’t have to worry about wasting them. Mom told me it was not wasting them and you don’t put the same diaper back on the child and that is why he get infections down there. Then she asked me would I dump my own poo in the toilet and put my same diaper back on and I told her yes and I have done it before. She said that was disgusting and it smells. But at least I use cloth. I don’t have to worry wasting diapers. It always bugs me to change a child and their diaper is hardly used, to me it’s a waste. I wonder how on earth they afford that many diapers and I wonder how much they spend on them. I know one in three families struggle to provide diapers. But I put him in a fresh diaper and didn’t care about wasting it. Then I helped him out to their car and dad put him in his carseat. I did have my husband say good bye to him before taking him out.

It was like a birthday present of him coming out. Mine is tomorrow and damn I feel I am getting old. Twenty seven I will be. My son won’t be here for my birthday but I already had my birthday so it just be a normal day tomorrow. But next month I will see him again.

Time for my walk.

Get to see my son again

Mom called me this morning to tell me she has an interview out here and they want to see her in person. So she is coming out Sunday and leaving Tuesday. She is bringing my son along and will drop him off here so my husband and I can be with him and spend time with him. I am so excited to see him and she told me he has put on some weight. Got muscle in his legs, is outgrowing his 18 month clothes so mom had to get him some new ones that are 24 months. I can imagine him looking fat. FAT. He has been eating five times a day. I will also get to see how much he has grown and see how much more hair he has gotten and how much he has changed. I wonder if he will still nurse from me when he sees me? I have still been pumping. Then on Monday before I go to work, mom will be coming back to get him to bring back to my aunt and uncles place and then leave the next day. I think I will be taking pictures of him to put on facebook.

Husband surprised me

I came home from work and my mother in law was just leaving. I see on the kitchen counter a cake and a flower candle on top. I ask her about it and she didn’t say anything so I asked my husband and he said it was for my birthday and he wanted to surprise me. I was surprised. I like surprises but it depend son what they are. So I opened the candle and put it on the cake and my husband lit it and it sang happy birthday as it spun. Then I blew them out and I cut the cake. My mother in law took home a piece and I had a piece and ice cream. My husband even got me a gift and it was a Titanic game. I haven’t played it yet.

He just decided to do it all early to surprise me and he wasn’t sure when he be able to do it so today was his only chance since his mother was here.