Damn it, I want my husband to get better. He won’t be returning to work July 8th and it’s now undetermined. He is getting better but he had to miss his appointment today because they didn’t want him walking. His mom couldn’t come and take him because of no gas money and our money is tight. I can’t take him because his appointment was too late in the day and I have to work and can’t afford to miss work and his appointment would last a while I don’t know how long. The disability still hasn’t kicked in because the doctor forgot to put something on the papers. I have been missing out on my autism groups because of money issues and my husband thinks we are doing fine and I am just doing this to myself and it’s all in my head. Well he says we have over 200 in the bank and we still have to grocery shop and that is about 100 there and bus pass that be 26 bucks (thank god for honorary citizen because the adult ones would cost in the 80’s since they keep raising their bus fares and I got tired of it and them fucking with our budget so I decided to start getting that bus pass instead because it’s a lot cheaper and they rarely raise the fare for people who get that special bus fare so that means all the none disability people are screwed if they are low income or struggling with their finances) and we have that credit card bill that is 89 bucks so how could I possibly have afford to go to my group? I even cancelled out this weekend because I am not using my gas to drive up to another state and go to the video game party there at the library. I gotta save as much gas as possible but thank god the gas prices are dropping.
So I have been having anxiety all day and crying and my husband decided to baby me. So he kept me in diapers and is making me use them and he has been holding me and even rocked me. He said I needed it. He had been doing this off and on.
Right now I can’t handle doing anything, not even something simple. My mother wants me on medicine for anxiety but it’s even too stressful to even bother to figure out what steps to take to do it and to even find a doctor and make the appointment and to spend money on medicine. Catch 22. I decided when they do move out here, I will leave during the day as they move in so I won’t have anxiety there and mom won’t get mad at me about it because she be unable to cope with it. Good thing I don’t have my son or else I wouldn’t be able to take care of him very well and it be more stress. But once they send us that damn check, my stress level will drop and so will the anxiety. Then simple things wouldn’t cause it anymore. I have not even been calling my parents to see how our son is doing because I am afraid mom will ask me if I have been to the doctor yet and no way am I lying to her. She would find out anyway when she gets here so why lie? These things have always been stressful for me and hard but it’s just been worse now because of my sick husband and no disability check and not being able to do my normal stuff and us getting this house soon. I could never handle stress well and that is why I get Social Security because I shut down when I get stressed out and run into roadblocks and I can’t handle it so I get lazy. But does society give a shit? No.
I can’t wait until we get this house. I gotta save money for that too for gas. Plus I have that beach party I want to go to but I may wait and see if I can go or not because it be using gas to get there. Hopefully he will get the check by then. We even have that car insurance to pay and my husband says he has it all planned out. We may have to use our savings for the insurance. I also have not been putting more books on bookmooch to mooch away due to money and I have to pay money to ship the books off. Luckily no one else has mooched anymore books from me and if they did, they would have to wait a while.