Today is our wedding anniversary

My husband and I have been officially married for three years. We did not do anything special today because of financial reasons. He is not working right now and his disability payments still have not kicked in. So we are not doing anything fun. I have been not going to my autism group up in Washington because it is always at Applebee’s. I still had to wear diapers today of course.

I should be getting paid tomorrow so my daddy will be ordering me more diapers. He is getting the same kind to make it easier because I was worrying about him getting me a crappy kind. They did last me two months and I am down to ten now. They took about a week to get here last time so we are ordering them right when I get paid so they be here before I run out. I do not want to resort to using the crappy brand we have.

I’m daddy’s girl

He feels like he has two kids instead of one. He sees me as a child because of my personality and my attitude. It doesn’t bother me. I like being his little girl. I don’t hide my excitement or my feelings. I just let it all out because I can be my true self around him and I feel very comfortable with him. Plus he is my caretaker but he can’t really do much right now so I am on my own. In fact I have been having to give him his food when he asks me to make him something. I still forget because I get so absorbed in my interests and he has to remind me or I remember when I see him come out.

But my last ex saw me as a child and he hated it. I hated it too because he would act like I was retarded and refuse to have anything to do with me. I felt I had to hide myself around him (not literally) and couldn’t even be myself. I had to hold in my feelings and not express them or else they be too childish for him. So it was as if I couldn’t express them at all. He had a problem with me liking childish things like watching kid shows or the video games I played or me having a Teletubby blanket or sleeping with a stuffed animal and baby blanket and me wearing clothes with cartoon characters on them. Plus I didn’t wear things in style, I either wore clothes that were immature or too old looking. Plus he had a problem with me reading at the table or playing my game when we go out in public. He had a problem with me listening to my own music through my headphones in his car while he had his own playing and talking to his son. I was not interested in what they were talking about and I did not want to listen to their music. Even he had problems with my quirks. I just got some Barbie set last month for five bucks and I bet he would have had an attitude about it. I wasn’t going to get it at first because we live in this small apartment and I didn’t want to fill it with junk. But my husband got me it anyway and it’s been left in my trunk ever since. Now I am glad he got it for me because we just got the house and we have to wait a month.

But I am glad I found my husband who happened to be a AB dad and his fantasy was treating a woman like a baby girl but he didn’t think it was ever going to happen but he got lucky. These things are rare. I didn’t know he was a “daddy” until we met. I think that is why he likes my quirks and me being child like. He says it turns him on. I think it goes good with our daddy/little girl role. Plus I role play. I just act like the way I did from my childhood and it comes natural to me.

But I am glad I am not with my ex anymore and ironically he was an aspie but yet couldn’t accept the aspie me. Sometimes I wonder if he just made it all up and he just had quirks himself and happened to have above normal hearing. He did have no problem getting a job and even keeping one. He seemed to get along well with his co workers and he talked to them like normal. I saw no social deficits. Well I can talk to people like normal too but then I start making people laugh or they tell me I crack them up or I am so honest or tell me “not so loud” and I try to not interrupt and I always made my ex cry and offended him. He was too sensitive anyway. Most people wouldn’t cry over things I say even if I did offend them. But I shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells and be shy in my own relationship and have social anxiety or else it’s not a good relationship. At least with my husband I don’t have to walk on them and he just accepts me and doesn’t take what I say seriously. Getting a job has always been so hard for me. I am not sure what I do wrong. First I was blaming it on the lack of work experience, then on the economy but get real. If it was truly the economy, then places would not be hiring. I applied at places I had experience in and no call for an interview. Now I work with a company that is for people with disabilities. I can keep a job fine. Just finding one is difficult. I hate all the roadblocks places create.Even my ex had admitted he wouldn’t hire me if he didn’t know me because of how I dress. Basically you have to be dressed in a certain way when you go get a application and then drop it off. Apparently apply between this and that hour means go in during that time for the application and drop it off during that time, not go in and pick one up and then fill it out during those times and then drop it off any time you want. I mean it’s just a application, you drop it off and leave and it doesn’t take long to take it out of someone’s hand and put it in your pocket for later. But to him it meant if you couldn’t follow the sign, then you may not be able to follow his orders and directions if he were to hire you. He worked as a manager at places for years since his late teens.

But I am glad to be with the right person. No way would my ex support me or take care of me the way my husband does and I would have been alone and he be getting mad at me for my anxiety and getting stressed out and then get mad when I would have to call my parents to talk to them because I can’t talk to him without him getting all mad at me and taking things the wrong way I say and he would have hated my interests and hate me spending time with them. At least my husband supports it and encourages it and sometimes buys me things related to it. Plus my ex would have probably pushed me beyond my limits and then get mad at me if I shut down or break down and then I regress because he would have felt he was with a child and then want nothing to do with me. He kept connecting it to pedophilia and was too worried he be one and he thought others were sickos if they get turned on or have sex or are with people who are adult babies or like children. That’s how stupid he was. He would probably think my husband is a sicko and a pedophile too. I do call my husband that in a joking way when he has sex with me because I am his baby girl and babies don’t have sex. I do find it weird when someone has sex with someone who is an AB because it’s like having it with a child but I am smart enough to know they are adults and the person is turned on by the adult them and they would not have sex with a real child. My ex knew this too but he was too stubborn to accept it and said he can’t separate it. Bullshit. I think it was just his narrow mindness and ignorance so he projected it onto others thinking others would think he was a sicko.

Talking bad about my ex, I don’t care if this makes me a bad person. I just hate him and I never want to see him again or have any contact with him. I used to enjoy pissing him off in the relationship because he was so stupid and judgmental and ignorant and I have no respect for those people. So I can’t say I was a victim in this or that I was emotionally abused. Sometimes both partners are abusive. Thank god he doesn’t go to any of my autism groups. I’d be screwed if he did. I did see someone there who I had problems with online and boy was I a train wreck there because I was no sure what she do to me there or if she do something to my car (yeah I am paranoid) but once I discovered she was ignoring me and pretending I am not there, I felt better and relaxed and knew I had nothing to worry about. But she only came two or three times and never again. I don’t know if she was ignoring me to hurt me or if she is just mad at me but good riddance for ignoring me.What’s funny is someone there does actually have the same type of car as my ex and it’s also the same color. One time i arrived there and saw that car and I swear my heart stopped beating for a second because I got so nervous. I still park my car and get out and look at the car thinking it’s his and then I go inside and look around for him. Then I calmed down when I saw he wasn’t there. I had no idea why I felt this way so I told my husband about it when I got home and he laughed. I asked him why is it funny and he said “You didn’t want to see him.” I then realized I never want to see my ex nor run into him. I do not want contact with him. It only took that car to realize it.