Things should be getting better

My husband made a bunch of phone calls to get a phone number to call his doctor and to call this girl for our Union. I will call her Jill. My husband finally got the hold of his doctor but their fax machine was broken so we have to wait till Monday to do it. But he has a doctor’s appointment anyway that day so he will be taking in the paper and have him fill out what he forgot to put in. Then they will fax it to the insurance and then the disability will kick in.

I feel so happy and I feel my anxiety is gone now.

Bad day today

Damn it, I want my husband to get better. He won’t be returning to work July 8th and it’s now undetermined. He is getting better but he had to miss his appointment today because they didn’t want him walking. His mom couldn’t come and take him because of no gas money and our money is tight. I can’t take him because his appointment was too late in the day and I have to work and can’t afford to miss work and his appointment would last a while I don’t know how long. The disability still hasn’t kicked in because the doctor forgot to put something on the papers. I have been missing out on my autism groups because of money issues and my husband thinks we are doing fine and I am just doing this to myself and it’s all in my head. Well he says we have over 200 in the bank and we still have to grocery shop and that is about 100 there and bus pass that be 26 bucks (thank god for honorary citizen because the adult ones would cost in the 80’s since they keep raising their bus fares and I got tired of it and them fucking with our budget so I decided to start getting that bus pass instead because it’s a lot cheaper and they rarely raise the fare for people who get that special bus fare so that means all the none disability people are screwed if they are low income or struggling with their finances) and we have that credit card bill that is 89 bucks so how could I possibly have afford to go to my group? I even cancelled out this weekend because I am not using my gas to drive up to another state and go to the video game party there at the library. I gotta save as much gas as possible but thank god the gas prices are dropping.

So I have been having anxiety all day and crying and my husband decided to baby me. So he kept me in diapers and is making me use them and he has been holding me and even rocked me. He said I needed it. He had been doing this off and on.

Right now I can’t handle doing anything, not even something simple. My mother wants me on medicine for anxiety but it’s even too stressful to even bother to figure out what steps to take to do it and to even find a doctor and make the appointment and to spend money on medicine. Catch 22. I decided when they do move out here, I will leave during the day as they move in so I won’t have anxiety there and mom won’t get mad at me about it because she be unable to cope with it. Good thing I don’t have my son or else I wouldn’t be able to take care of him very well and it be more stress. But once they send us that damn check, my stress level will drop and so will the anxiety. Then simple things wouldn’t cause it anymore. I have not even been calling my parents to see how our son is doing because I am afraid mom will ask me if I have been to the doctor yet and no way am I lying to her. She would find out anyway when she gets here so why lie? These things have always been stressful for me and hard but it’s just been worse now because of my sick husband and no disability check and not being able to do my normal stuff and us getting this house soon. I could never handle stress well and that is why I get Social Security because I shut down when I get stressed out and run into roadblocks and I can’t handle it so I get lazy. But does society give a shit? No.

I can’t wait until we get this house. I gotta save money for that too for gas. Plus I have that beach party I want to go to but I may wait and see if I can go or not because it be using gas to get there. Hopefully he will get the check by then. We even have that car insurance to pay and my husband says he has it all planned out. We may have to use our savings for the insurance. I also have not been putting more books on bookmooch to mooch away due to money and I have to pay money to ship the books off. Luckily no one else has mooched anymore books from me and if they did, they would have to wait a while.

 

I’m free

Okay, daddy is in so much pain I am no longer forced into diapers. I kept pushing my limits with him and asking him if I still have to wear them and he said “I don’t care anymore.” So tonight, if I go anywhere, I can go diaper free and I can try going diaper less tomorrow and going to work diaperless. Now I have tons of updates to be doing all over but it be too much of a hassle.

What exactly is a fetish?

Lot of people get offended when their interest is called a fetish. But does it matter what it’s called? If something is classified as one, why get offended if it is a “fetish?”

Someone on another forum pointed out what sexual fetishism is:

SEXUAL FETISHISM

Sexual fetishism, or erotic fetishism, is the sexual arousal a person receives from a physical object, or from a specific situation. The object or situation of interest is called the fetish; the person who has a fetish for that object/situation is a fetishist.[1] A sexual fetish may be regarded as an enhancing element to a romantic/sexual relationship “achieved in ordinary ways (e.g. having the partner wear a particular garment)” or as a mental disorder/disorder of sexual preference if it causes significant psychosocial distress for the person or has detrimental effects on important areas of their life.[2] Arousal from a particular body part is classified as partialism.[3]

This is also on Wikipedia that goes more into detail.

But yet the dictionary says something else:

fet·ish
   [fet-ish, fee-tish] Show IPA
noun
1.
an object regarded with awe as being the embodiment or habitation of a potent spirit or as having magical potency.
2.
any object, idea, etc., eliciting unquestioning reverence, respect, or devotion: to make a fetish of high grades.
3.
Psychology . any object or nongenital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.
and:

Medical Dictionary

fetish fet·ish (fět’ĭsh, fē’tĭsh)
n.

Something, such as an object or a nonsexual part of the body, that arouses sexual desire and may become necessary for sexual gratification.

An abnormally obsessive preoccupation or attachment.

World English Dictionary
fetish or fetich (ˈfɛtɪʃ, ˈfiːtɪʃ, ˈfɛtɪʃ, ˈfiːtɪʃ)

— n
1. something, esp an inanimate object, that is believed in certain cultures to be the embodiment or habitation of a spirit or magical powers
2. a. a form of behaviour involving fetishism
b. any object that is involved in fetishism
3. any object, activity, etc, to which one is excessively or irrationally devoted: to make a fetish of cleanliness

[C17: from French fétiche , from Portuguese feitiço (n) sorcery, from adj: artificial, from Latin factīcius made by art, factitious ]

Source:

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fetish

Also the fact the same person who told me about sexual fetishism and copied it from Wikiepedia told me that the only way it be a fetish is if they used the objects to sexually arouse themselves so they can finish with a human partner. She also said if there is no other human involved, it’s not a fetish. Then she asked me if my own autistic friends are getting turned on by their shoes or ducks to prepare themselves for human sex. My answer to that is no. They don’t have sex because there is no one for them to have sex with.

Okay now this is all very confusing. A man was having sex with his teddy bear and got arrested for it because he was caught doing it in the alley. You can read all about it here:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documen…r-lover-678234

Also it was not the first time he has done this with a teddy bear. Someone said at Fetlife he has a plushophilia and called it a fetish. There were no humans involved.

Okay, I like to wear diapers. I do not do it to have sex or to get prepared for it. I can do it alone without needing anyone in life. I also like to drink out of sippy cups and use a pacifier. I am not doing this for sex. But yet I like to masturbate in diapers, it feels good. I also love it when my husband rubs the outside of my diaper, it’s better when it’s wet but this is not for sex. It is sexual all right when I get my diaper changed or have him rub me down there but I am not doing it to get sex.

I also like to breast feed my husband. Sure it involves other humans but I am not doing it to get aroused to have sex. I just do it because I want to keep making milk and it’s better than using the breast pump because my boobs do get sore when I have to use it four times a day. So I wish I could breast feed my husband more often because of it.

I also like to get spanked. It’s part of being a little girl and I feel so young inside when he does it. I am not doing this for sexual arousal or for sex.

But however, I have figured out if I want to get my diaper changed by my husband, I have to turn him on so he would want to have sex with me and give into his urges. so he would have to take my diaper off, clean me up, have sex with me and then he puts me in a clean diaper. Now is this a true fetish here? But I didn’t do this for sex, I did it to have my diaper changed and the only way to get it is if I have sex with him so I get what I want.

Okay now for autistic people that have abnormal attachments to their objects, would that mean they have a fetish. If they aren’t even making love to it or having sex with it nor making out with it, it’s not a fetish. But the dictionary says it is. Does my aspie friend in Ohio have a fetish with his blanket? He is strongly attached to it but he knows to not take it out in public with him, it stays in his apartment. Do small children have fetishes? They also get attached to their objects? Maybe not since it’s normal at that age but what if an autistic child was attached to a piece of string, does that mean they have a string fetish? But what if an NT child continued being strongly attached to their blanket and they liked taking it with them everywhere and then they were starting kindergarten, do they have a blanket fetish?

I have been very obsessive myself except not with objects. Did that mean I had a Benny & Joon fetish or a Spokane fetish or a 101 Dalmatians Fetish or even a London fetish or a video game fetish? It does say an obsessive preoccupation or attachment. I even remember my mother telling me I was obsessed with my Barbie dolls. Did I have a Barbie doll fetish?

Plus anything that is listed as a paraphilia is classified as a fetish so therefore objectophilia will be one. I have a paraphilia, it’s diapers and infantilism. I bet spankings and lactation is counted as one too.

Okay so what if someone was alone and had no one to share their fetish with so they did it alone like wearing diapers and using them and masturbating in them and also living like an AB and they wanted to have a mommy to take care of them and change them but they have not met anyone who would do it to them, would they not have a fetish because they would have no one to do that with before having sex?

I think people are just too politically correct about the word so they say they do not have a fetish or that it’s not a fetish for them. Why can’t they just accept it?

Plus when I read on fetishes, not all of it says about how you have to be sexually aroused. But some fetishes do say you have to be sexually aroused for it to be one. So what if someone liked to suck blood but they did not get turned on by it, would it not be a fetish after all?

BTW I saw here:
http://www.cbsnews.com/2300-204_162-….html?tag=page

They have mine listed, pharaphilic infantilism, and it didn’t say anything about sexual arousal. Only part they got wrong is mostly guys. There are females into this too, lot of them but most of them hide. I have seen tons of them at ADISC or on Fetlife. Lot of them just reject men who are into it. They just find it creepy when a man wants to talk to them because they wear a diaper. But yet if they talk to them about something else they have in common with like sports or a movie they saw or video games, etc. they are fine with it. Or maybe there is truth to it because I do see most men on the forums and most people talk to to are all men. Girls are rare. But yet I would like to talk to parents who wear diapers and are into the lifestyle but I am afraid of being too creepy or coming off as one. But yet the news site called it all sexual fetishes even though it’s not sexual for everyone.

So what exactly is a fetish? If people wish to get offended by it, I couldn’t care less. I just think they have a problem with the word fetish and see it as a bad thing so they must separate themselves from it and be in denial and not accept the fact it’s classified as a fetish and accept the fact they have one.

Today is our wedding anniversary

My husband and I have been officially married for three years. We did not do anything special today because of financial reasons. He is not working right now and his disability payments still have not kicked in. So we are not doing anything fun. I have been not going to my autism group up in Washington because it is always at Applebee’s. I still had to wear diapers today of course.

I should be getting paid tomorrow so my daddy will be ordering me more diapers. He is getting the same kind to make it easier because I was worrying about him getting me a crappy kind. They did last me two months and I am down to ten now. They took about a week to get here last time so we are ordering them right when I get paid so they be here before I run out. I do not want to resort to using the crappy brand we have.

I’m daddy’s girl

He feels like he has two kids instead of one. He sees me as a child because of my personality and my attitude. It doesn’t bother me. I like being his little girl. I don’t hide my excitement or my feelings. I just let it all out because I can be my true self around him and I feel very comfortable with him. Plus he is my caretaker but he can’t really do much right now so I am on my own. In fact I have been having to give him his food when he asks me to make him something. I still forget because I get so absorbed in my interests and he has to remind me or I remember when I see him come out.

But my last ex saw me as a child and he hated it. I hated it too because he would act like I was retarded and refuse to have anything to do with me. I felt I had to hide myself around him (not literally) and couldn’t even be myself. I had to hold in my feelings and not express them or else they be too childish for him. So it was as if I couldn’t express them at all. He had a problem with me liking childish things like watching kid shows or the video games I played or me having a Teletubby blanket or sleeping with a stuffed animal and baby blanket and me wearing clothes with cartoon characters on them. Plus I didn’t wear things in style, I either wore clothes that were immature or too old looking. Plus he had a problem with me reading at the table or playing my game when we go out in public. He had a problem with me listening to my own music through my headphones in his car while he had his own playing and talking to his son. I was not interested in what they were talking about and I did not want to listen to their music. Even he had problems with my quirks. I just got some Barbie set last month for five bucks and I bet he would have had an attitude about it. I wasn’t going to get it at first because we live in this small apartment and I didn’t want to fill it with junk. But my husband got me it anyway and it’s been left in my trunk ever since. Now I am glad he got it for me because we just got the house and we have to wait a month.

But I am glad I found my husband who happened to be a AB dad and his fantasy was treating a woman like a baby girl but he didn’t think it was ever going to happen but he got lucky. These things are rare. I didn’t know he was a “daddy” until we met. I think that is why he likes my quirks and me being child like. He says it turns him on. I think it goes good with our daddy/little girl role. Plus I role play. I just act like the way I did from my childhood and it comes natural to me.

But I am glad I am not with my ex anymore and ironically he was an aspie but yet couldn’t accept the aspie me. Sometimes I wonder if he just made it all up and he just had quirks himself and happened to have above normal hearing. He did have no problem getting a job and even keeping one. He seemed to get along well with his co workers and he talked to them like normal. I saw no social deficits. Well I can talk to people like normal too but then I start making people laugh or they tell me I crack them up or I am so honest or tell me “not so loud” and I try to not interrupt and I always made my ex cry and offended him. He was too sensitive anyway. Most people wouldn’t cry over things I say even if I did offend them. But I shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells and be shy in my own relationship and have social anxiety or else it’s not a good relationship. At least with my husband I don’t have to walk on them and he just accepts me and doesn’t take what I say seriously. Getting a job has always been so hard for me. I am not sure what I do wrong. First I was blaming it on the lack of work experience, then on the economy but get real. If it was truly the economy, then places would not be hiring. I applied at places I had experience in and no call for an interview. Now I work with a company that is for people with disabilities. I can keep a job fine. Just finding one is difficult. I hate all the roadblocks places create.Even my ex had admitted he wouldn’t hire me if he didn’t know me because of how I dress. Basically you have to be dressed in a certain way when you go get a application and then drop it off. Apparently apply between this and that hour means go in during that time for the application and drop it off during that time, not go in and pick one up and then fill it out during those times and then drop it off any time you want. I mean it’s just a application, you drop it off and leave and it doesn’t take long to take it out of someone’s hand and put it in your pocket for later. But to him it meant if you couldn’t follow the sign, then you may not be able to follow his orders and directions if he were to hire you. He worked as a manager at places for years since his late teens.

But I am glad to be with the right person. No way would my ex support me or take care of me the way my husband does and I would have been alone and he be getting mad at me for my anxiety and getting stressed out and then get mad when I would have to call my parents to talk to them because I can’t talk to him without him getting all mad at me and taking things the wrong way I say and he would have hated my interests and hate me spending time with them. At least my husband supports it and encourages it and sometimes buys me things related to it. Plus my ex would have probably pushed me beyond my limits and then get mad at me if I shut down or break down and then I regress because he would have felt he was with a child and then want nothing to do with me. He kept connecting it to pedophilia and was too worried he be one and he thought others were sickos if they get turned on or have sex or are with people who are adult babies or like children. That’s how stupid he was. He would probably think my husband is a sicko and a pedophile too. I do call my husband that in a joking way when he has sex with me because I am his baby girl and babies don’t have sex. I do find it weird when someone has sex with someone who is an AB because it’s like having it with a child but I am smart enough to know they are adults and the person is turned on by the adult them and they would not have sex with a real child. My ex knew this too but he was too stubborn to accept it and said he can’t separate it. Bullshit. I think it was just his narrow mindness and ignorance so he projected it onto others thinking others would think he was a sicko.

Talking bad about my ex, I don’t care if this makes me a bad person. I just hate him and I never want to see him again or have any contact with him. I used to enjoy pissing him off in the relationship because he was so stupid and judgmental and ignorant and I have no respect for those people. So I can’t say I was a victim in this or that I was emotionally abused. Sometimes both partners are abusive. Thank god he doesn’t go to any of my autism groups. I’d be screwed if he did. I did see someone there who I had problems with online and boy was I a train wreck there because I was no sure what she do to me there or if she do something to my car (yeah I am paranoid) but once I discovered she was ignoring me and pretending I am not there, I felt better and relaxed and knew I had nothing to worry about. But she only came two or three times and never again. I don’t know if she was ignoring me to hurt me or if she is just mad at me but good riddance for ignoring me.What’s funny is someone there does actually have the same type of car as my ex and it’s also the same color. One time i arrived there and saw that car and I swear my heart stopped beating for a second because I got so nervous. I still park my car and get out and look at the car thinking it’s his and then I go inside and look around for him. Then I calmed down when I saw he wasn’t there. I had no idea why I felt this way so I told my husband about it when I got home and he laughed. I asked him why is it funny and he said “You didn’t want to see him.” I then realized I never want to see my ex nor run into him. I do not want contact with him. It only took that car to realize it.

 

Messy cloth diaper

My body has been acting funny this year. I will get constipated and then I poop little bits and then I will get stomach cramps and then I have diarrhea. Then I am pooping normal again and then about a month later or two, the same thing happens again. I am constipated again and going little bits and then I poop as normal and then I get stomach cramps again and then it’s runny. Just last night I got stomach cramps again so I went a little bit in my cloth diaper and then dumped it in the toilet and tried to push the rest out. I put the diaper back on and the plastic pants and finish watching Titanic daddy put in for me. He gives me a bed time now since I can’t put myself to bed until way early in the morning. I sleep on the couch.

 

I get up this morning at 10:05 and I start to pump my milk and my stomach cramps get worse again and then I felt I had to go so I stood up and pushed it out and it was nice and soft and runny. I pushed as much as I could get out and then sat back down and felt the mess spread all over. It felt so nice and warm and good. No leaks either. But I bet it will be a huge mess to clean up and I don’t care. I am enjoying this messy diaper and may go again soon if the cramps come back. At least it’s not uncomfortable as last time when I went down to Mexico. I was badly constipated so I had cramps off and on and my real dad finally got me something to take for it and I was pooping like crazy and I had the runs. Whenever I get stomach cramps and fart, poop would come out. I was temporary bowel incontinent and it was not fun. Going through so many diapers and I didn’t want to waste them so I wore Goodnites so I could race to the bathroom every time I got crampy. It became a good thing I did bring diapers on that trip and I ran out on the way home and I was stupid to not pack Goodnites in my carry on bag. So I was stuck in a messy diaper from Denver all the way to Missoula, Montana. It sucked and but this time this mess feels good and maybe it’s because it’s not that runny. It is not itching my butt. It feels nice and soft this time than itchy.