Okay people keep asking me this and it gets so tiring so I decided to write about it here so that way I can link them to this without having to explain myself again or be short about it leaving out details.
I have always liked diapers when I was a baby. I don’t remember ever disliking them. I remember I liked peeing in them because it felt good. Then at age three I started to get tired of wearing them. They started to feel uncomfortable on me. When I poop in them, it would feel uncomfortable and I would want to be changed right away but my parents always stalled with it. My ex thinks they did this to get me to quit wearing them. I did fail potty training at two years old because my mother tried potty training me and I kept going in my pants. Mother figured I wasn’t ready so she put me back in diapers. I just could not figure out I was supposed to go in the potty chair. Maybe I didn’t want to quit wearing then. My dad tells me I liked wearing them. So at age three, it also started to get uncomfortable when I pee in them so i always take it off. I also remember taking off my diapers and mom told me I used to put one on and poop in it. Then two weeks after my brother was born, I saw the mess he made in them and I quit wearing them.
For the next six years I had no interest in wearing diapers but at age five I discovered pull ups. Mom told my brother they were not diapers and they are not for peeing in. I used to wear them myself. Then about age seven I started to pee in them on occasions because I liked the feeling of going in it but I wouldn’t stay in it long because I didn’t like being in a wet pull up. I did this too when I was eight on occasions but it was never often.
Okay now how did I get into diapers? I was nine and at the mall and my brothers were playing on this toy ship for children six and under. I used to play on this thing when I was little and then at age eight my parents told me I was too old for it and couldn’t go on it anymore. I felt so heartbroken that day and never wanted to go to that mall again. That was the reason why I only went there. But I always hated sitting in that area watching the little kids play and my brothers getting to have fun while I had to sit and be bored and always be sad. Then all of a sudden I saw these two toddlers playing and they both wore diapers. For some reason I just wanted to be a baby again and wear diapers and enjoy the feeling I used to feel before they got uncomfortable.
What lead me to this? I was bullied a lot growing up, I was always rejected, had difficulty with friends, I have always known I was different since age three. I didn’t know why I was different but back then I didn’t really care nor did it matter. Things were a lot easier then. But as I got older, things got harder. Growing up with poor social skills and immature emotions, I did not act my age. Mom would get mad at me for not acting my age and honestly I did not know I wasn’t being my age. I was 12 when I realized I did not know how a 6th grader is supposed to act so I started to ask my mother how do 12 year olds act or if 6th graders do this or that. In 5th grade I used to ask if I was too old for something. Growing up was scary because people expect more out of you and people take the fun out of you. But grown ups can still have fun of course but you get to old for things that are for kids like Easter Egg hunts or playing on the McDonalds playland. I just had to learn to deal with it and fortunately I outgrew playing on the McDonalds playland because it got boring. I even started to regress in 5th grade and it was with sleeping with a stuffed animal. In 4th grade I was sleeping with my baby blanket. Mom was okay with that and found it acceptable because it was normal and you’re never too old for that.
But I wonder if I didn’t have Asperger’s, would I still have gotten into diapers and infantilism? After all it was the difficult childhood life that may have lead me to this. I have noticed in the AB/DL community that people have PTSD, anxiety disorders, OCD, suffered from child abuse, forced to grow up too soon, forced potty training before they were even ready, autism, and of course people get into this by being a bedwetter or incontinent or being forced into diapers by someone who liked putting people in them and of course curiosity. Sometimes people get curious about what a diaper feels like so they get them and try them and like it so they do it again. People get into this for all different reasons. I have noticed the patterns.
My husband thinks you are born with this fetish but is it true? Maybe you need to have it in you and something in your environment needs to trigger it like mine did and that be the rejections, the bullying, immature emotions and poor social skills so it made my life harder. But I was lucky to have understanding parents who never gave up with me and were smart enough to know I had something so I had all these labels and none of them explained everything about my problems. The treatment I was getting for ADD wasn’t working so my mother knew I had more than that.
Mom made mistakes in my childhood raising me and to this day she blames herself for me liking diapers because she once told me when I was still living in Montana that it scares her to think she did something wrong. Dad told me when I was 17 that it was his and mom’s fault because they let me wear them when I was little. I don’t see how letting me wearing then when I was two and three caused me to like diapers in the future. I think the environment may have had something to do with it. If I didn’t have an Asperger’s, my life would have been easier and better and I maybe wouldn’t have decided I wanted to be a baby again and wear diapers where everything was better and easier and free of bullies and responsibilities and people expect less out of you.
But I did like them when I was a baby but if I were normal, would something else in my life cause me to get into diapers?
I can’t say me liking diapers is due to Asperger’s because anyone can have this fetish. I wasn’t diagnosed with it until 6th grade and things got better that year because for one, mom stopped trying to stop me from getting obsessed about things and taking them away thinking she can stop it. She also started to give me a break like not get so mad at me if I wasn’t acting my age and I remember her telling me she wishes I could be eight again because things were easier then and that is where I am at now inside me. So at age 12, I was at the level of an eight year old emotionally and maybe socially. When I was ten, I was at the level of a six year old according to what I have read in my medical reports. I am not sure what level I am at now but my husband says I am like a teen because of my attitude and I do feel like teens are my peers when i am around them and I have felt that way around my niece. Then other times I seem younger than that when I get excited.
But for a while I was not into infantilism anymore because I realized babies don’t have freedom, they can’t play on the computer, play video games, they have to go to bed early and take naps and I didn’t want that. Then at age 17 I decided I would like that again but like I say, if it weren’t for my condition, I probably would not have wanted to be a baby again so therefore I would not have discovered the diaper fetish community in 6th grade when I decided to search diapers and found out about this and discovered the story Ashley’s Diaper Adventures. I still remember that story well surprisingly and the errors I saw in it. But I did sneak into the AB/DL community for years reading the stories and looking at pictures of adults in them so it was obvious I was still into it despite the fact I had buried it inside me thinking I was over it and I don’t want to wear diapers nor be a baby. But that is another story of why I had it buried inside me for five years being in denial. Then it was the internet that made me decide I want to be a baby again, I don’t have to do it 24/7 and I can still have adult rights. That was what I saw in the AB/DL community anyways. I saw they were still normal people who lived normal lives, they were married, had children, some didn’t have kids nor were married and some were divorced but they all had jobs and normal hobbies. Maybe it all came back because I knew I was about to be an adult and I was almost out of high school so that meant becoming an adult. But luckily I wanted to have a job and be independent because I pushed myself and wanted it. But at times in my adulthood I sometimes wish I could be a kid again where I didn’t have to worry about money and bills and going to work. But at the same time I wouldn’t want to be a true child because I like the freedom I have now and plus there are things I have now I didn’t have in my childhood. But my husband told me two years ago almost that he will be taking care of the finances and the bills and I just be a little girl and not worry about it. He saw it was too stressful for me and it was stressing him out and I felt I was doing fine with it but he didn’t think so so he fired me from it. Things have been better between us ever since and my husband does everything he can to take stress off me so I stay mild. I think anxiety is the main issue I have than Asperger’s because it always causes me problems. I was also diagnosed with that in 6th grade along with it and depression and OCD. I don’t have depression anymore of course.
But I have wondered if there is a connection between AB/DLism and autism, PTSD, emotional problems, child abuse, etc because so many of us seem to have these things. I once asked about it on Daily Diapers and ADISC. Plus the men I had met from Diapermates also seemed not so normal either and they all had their quirks. Plus they accepted me for who I was and didn’t care about mine either. I wondered if it was all a coincidence or do AB/DLs have a condition or something. My mom once told me that people who use the internet to date have problems so they do it online because they can’t do it in real life so every person i am going to meet online will have some sort of issue.
Well I used the internet because I was unable to get dates in real life. A man would talk to me and I could tell he liked me but he wouldn’t ask me out or ask me for my phone number or email. Maybe I was supposed to make a movie or something and I didn’t know the social rules so I failed and the man probably assumed I didn’t like them. Plus I can’t tell if I am being hit on or not and my husband says men still do it and I don’t notice it. Even I didn’t pick up on he was hitting on me when we met and we were both walking together and I was talking to him and I did not pick up on him hitting on me. It made him feel he wanted to protect me and he saw me as innocent.
Now here I am in my mid twenties happily married to wonderful man who accepts me for who I am and we both have a son together and we are in the process of trying to get a house and I will stay happily diapered. I have felt better after being forced into them permanently. But I still sneak the toilet.
So this is how I got into diapers. I see I did ramble on for a bit but that is just me and get used to it:) It will happen every now and then in my blog. I don’t want to bother going back taking out parts I think that are irrelevant and should be for another blog.