Lesson my ex taught me

So I still go back and forth sometimes about rather Jerry was a narcissist or not.

There was one thing I remember that makes me go thinking maybe he wasn’t one was I was an AB and he was only a DL but he hated ABs and thought they were all pedophiles and sickos. I naively thought he would change his mind once I educate him and show him. I wanted to be accepted by him so I “shoved it in his face” he called it. I would keep trying to tell him about it, I even used my baby things in front of him to show him how adult babies are still adults, not real children and they are not retarded (pardon the slur word because I am not fond of political correctness and even Temple Grandin still uses the word in her books, mentally retarded). But he called it a game and said I did it to piss him off so I did it for real just to drive him crazy because he was a bigot and narrow minded and willful ignorant and I don’t like willful ignorance. I just wouldn’t give up trying to educate him but I am sorry but you can’t educate stupid. If people don’t want to open their minds and listen and learn, you can’t make them. So I was the one being closed minded because I was not accepting that he was not into it and not comfortable with it. But I realize it was the way he handled it because he judged us and made fun of me about it and used it against me, not because he wasn’t comfortable with it or wasn’t interested.

Then I remember the other shit he has done so it makes me realize ABDL did not cause this nor was it my fault because if it wasn’t ABDL, he would have still found something else to abuse me about. If it was only this he did and not the other shit he has done which I have blogged about already, then I would think he was not a narcissistic but because he did the other stuff, I go back to thinking “yep he is one.” Remember, his ex did leave him and she wouldn’t even let her children talk to him or even let her daughters see him and she would always have to meet us in the parking lot when we would get his son and to drop him off. She also came with her boyfriend always. Gee, why is this? This should also tell me something. there is probably something about him I don’t know about.  Also she would always threaten to leave him and take their son with, also she claimed her son wasn’t his so he had to go get a copy of his son’s birth certificate to prove it. Mmm why, maybe because she wanted him to stop abusing her so she used their son to threaten to leave him and to take him with, maybe she claimed he wasn’t his because she didn’t want him in her life and when you have kids together, you have to still see the kid’s parent unfortunately and still deal with them until the day they turn eighteen or leave high school, maybe after too because there might be adult kid issues they would have to deal with together. But if your partner is abusive, you might do anything to try and get the kid’s parent out of your life and some other parents keep the parent in their kid’s life. My brother’s girlfriend is a bitch because there are things she has done that is mean and she lies to her children about us but my brother never alienated her from their kids because he thinks his kids have a right to their mother and to keep his and her issues separate from them. She is only nice when she wants something and she puts on a nice act for everyone so she seems nice when you know her. But anyway Jerry’s ex finally grew a bone and took their kid and left him with her daughters. But I will never know for sure if the stories he told me about her were lies. But the way he treated me does make me wonder how he treated his ex and if that is why she left him.

But the lesson I learned here is if someone doesn’t understand AB/DL and they are ignorant about it and associate it with kids or feel like they are with a child, and think it’s pedophilia or think you are sexually attracted to kids, run. Do not stay and try and educate them because you will be hurt at the end and might have resentment. If they do not accept it so they want you to do it in private, run. That can still cause damage at the end and resentment and hurt feelings because you felt you were not accepted. This is what Jerry had taught me so I always tell other ABDLs to run when they write about their partner not understanding their fetish or their needs for it.

But Jerry was a narcissist so I have no idea how a none narc acts about all this when they also don’t understand it or feel uncomfortable with it and not want it around them. But that is the only image that comes to mind when I read their posts about it so my knee jerk reaction is run, leave, run for your life.

Peed on the bathroom floor

This happened yesterday.

I changed in the bathroom and I took my diaper off and clean my bottom and then I peed again and it went down my leg and on the floor. It wasn’t a lot and it was not vaginal discharge. I used the wipe to soak it and then I got another one and wiped my leg and the floor. Also when I went in the bathroom today to take a dump because I didn’t want to use my diaper for it and waste it, I saw I had a little bit of pee in my diaper because of the small yellow spot I saw. I leak urine sometimes and if I really had an excuse to wear protection, it would be pads because they would take car of my leaks sometimes when it happens. But I wear diapers instead and it’s not for this reason. But I do admit leaking urine does excite me, especially when it went down my leg in the bathroom and I had to clean it up even though it was annoying. I don’t want to pee outside my diapers but yet whenever I leak urine when not wearing a diaper, it excites me. It still does when I leak it into my diaper. This is what sometimes happens when you have kids. Bladder leakage. In fact someone at work has that problem too but it’s way worse than mine because I found Poise pads soaked with pee when I emptied out the sanitary napkin holders and it had two of them in there. Either someone used both of them at once because they won’t use a pull up or a diaper for their problem or they changed it twice in there. But I had seen them upstairs too when I have cleaned the restrooms on the main floor so I assume they came from the same person. It could be from a mother who had bladder leakage but hers is a lot worse than mine.

When I worked in a hotel in downtown, I saw a bunch of trash in the service area from a room attendant and one of the bags was popped open and in there was a very wet adult pull up with a bunch of drenched paper towels soaked with pee. I figured someone wore them in their pull up as soakers and I thought “Why didn’t they just use a diaper, it looks like they need more protection.” but sadly diapers are still stigmatized even people who need to wear them won’t wear one. They might stick with pads or pull ups instead and change like every half hour or so and waste a lot of products when they might be saving money with diapers that have tabs. My goal is not to stigmatize diapers for my kids for if they ever need to wear them such as for bed wetting or if they ever get a medical condition where they might need to wear one. You just never know what can happen to your kids in their lifetime; car accident, UTI, being beaten up, surgery, etc. I have always told my son he didn’t need to wear them anymore so he had to learn to use the potty and he won’t have to get his diapers changed anymore or having to get his butt wiped and he won’t have to be wet or messy anymore. Well that turned out to be a lie because he has wet messy farts so his underwear gets all messy, he still has to get his butt wiped after he poops or when he does wet poopy farts and thanks to my husband, he thinks diapers are for babies because he had told him kids will think he is a baby if he wears them and threatens to put him back in them and kids will make fun of him and think he is a baby because only babies wear them and saying he is a big boy now. what have I done about it? Nothing really except disagree about it and I never bother correcting him (our son) if he says diapers are for babies because I don’t want him to get into diapers and wanting to wear them. (We don’t want to raise our kids to be AB/DL) Plus I have told him his sister pooped because she is a baby and that is what babies do. How else do I explain why she did it when he asked why she pooped or why is she wet or smelly? It’s like he has forgotten I wear them so that shows us wearing them doesn’t make a difference to our kids. They will still associate diapers with babies and not seem to care that we wear them. Instead they might think that only babies and their parent only wears them because that is how concrete they are. But I don’t remind him about me wearing them and I as a mom don’t feel comfortable calling them diapers in front of him when they are mine. It feels like I am pushing my fetish in his face if I do and involving him. I also won’t even let him see me in them anymore and I also won’t let him see pictures of adults in them because I view it as porn and it’s not something I want him to be exposed to. He’s four now so times change as he gets older. Kids can see their parents naked but when they get to a certain age, their parents no longer let them see them naked but in my family we always could if we were the same gender like my brothers could see our dad naked but I couldn’t see him naked and I could see our mom naked but my brothers couldn’t see her naked but my mom and dad could see each other naked because they are married. I thought it was like this in all families but apparently not. Now my dad doesn’t care if I see him naked but I don’t want to see him naked, my mom doesn’t want me to see her naked because then I end up staring at her body. Not that it’s sexy or hot, she doesn’t have a good body but I always like looking at gross and unusual things and things that are different than what I have seen in magazines. But she is fine with seeing me naked including in a diaper but I am not comfortable with the diaper part. Yes we are a weird family.

The most idiotic comment I have seen in a long time

I saw a comment on Daily Diapers and I am not going to bother to name the thread or say who it is but it was the most stupidest comment ever someone wrote. I just couldn’t be bothered to respond because I felt they won’t listen anyway. Jerry was one of them. But the person who wrote that anyone who sexualizes things that are associated with babies and toddlers should stay away from them. What?

I told that person just because people are into paraphilic infantilism does not mean they get turned on by babies and toddlers.  I also wrote put it this way, lot of people are turned on by males and females but they are not sexually attracted to kids and underage teens and their age would be a turn off for us. But yet they still had their ignoramus view. Thinking I suppress it. What? What am I suppressing? That is like saying I suppress my sexuality for other women. There is nothing to suppress if there is no sexual attraction. I am not sexually attracted to kids in diapers or babies or toddlers. It does nothing for me. I still have a little one in diapers and her being in them does nothing for me. What they wrote was very offensive, accusing me of being sexually attracted and suppressing it.

There is nothing sexy about a underage person wearing them. What they wrote was borderline implying we are all pedophiles, those who are into this sexually, and that reminded me of Jerry about his attitude about AB/DLs and I hate all those people with that thought. Even though he saw nothing sexy about it, he still saw it sexually or else he wouldn’t have felt so negative about it and calling us all pedophiles and saying he feels he is with a baby but then again I think he was over compensating because he felt so negative about it so he projected and acted that way about it.

That. person. Is. An. Idiot.

Always Discreet, not

Today I decided to wear a pair to work instead of taking them off. I got two packs at Big lots and there were seven in a pack so 14 total. I wear them to work and I pee in them but not a lot but when break time comes, I sit down and after break, I notice the back of my pants are wet like I had sat in a puddle. No humiliation here. i just kept on working and then I change after I get done working and I tear the pull up off and put on a Walgreens diaper.

I swear these pull ups are made for accidents when the woman stands but they are not made to hold when she sits because she is expected that she will change after her accident because she didn’t make it to the bathroom in time. So they leaked when I sat. I will never wear them to work again and a Walgreens diaper holds more than this.

Bye bye panties

I was working on the yard sale again today and I got out my underwear I had up in the attic for over two years and I always kept them in a plastic bag sheets or pillow cases came in when you buy them in stores. Then it was out in the other garage with the other stuff we are going to sell. I got those out and looked through them and I was surprised lot of them were worn. They all looked disgusting not something I would want to see at a yard sale or even in the free box. They were all worn, stained, had holds or were falling apart, stretched out, and the elastic part was stiff and it looked stretched out. There were only three pairs that were in good shape because I seldom wore them and one of the pairs I never liked because they felt scratchy on me because of the fabric. So I put them all in baggies and marked them for sale and I tossed the rest in the trash can.

I felt bad for throwing them away and still do but I am not going to wear them again and there is no way they would sell and no one will want them. I have had seven of those pair since I was 14, and four other pair since I was 15 and so on. Some I have had since my late teens so no wonder they all looked faded and worn and in bad shape and the seams were coming undone. The other three that were in good shape, one pair I didn’t like the fabric of I have had since I was about 18, the other two I have had since my early twenties but I didn’t wear them very much because they were plain. One pair of blue and the other pair was black and they looked fancy. But I never throw anything away and this time I got brave and tossed out those panties. They were also stained from my menstrual blood too. Who will also want that?

What I don’t have to deal with

My mom asked me to give her some toilet paper. She was in the bathroom so I called for Dad and asked if there was any toilet paper. “He said Yeah over here.”

I didn’t know where the sound was coming from, downstairs or from his room and I kept asking where is the toilet paper and he kept saying ‘Over here’ and I realized he wasn’t going to tell me where ‘over here’ is so I asked “Where are you?” “In here” I asked again “Are you upstairs or downstairs?”

My mom said, “he is downstairs.”

So I go downstairs and I look in the living room and he isn’t in there. I asked again where he is and he goes “in here.”

I turn around and ask where is the toilet paper and he goes “In the bathroom here.”

Oh he is in the kitchen  so I go in the kitchen and go in the bathroom without seeing him and he hands me a roll. he said we only had two left so he will go out and get some more when he heads out.

I brought the roll upstairs and gave it to my mother behind the door and she took it thanking me.

This is something i don’t have to deal with anymore, being out of toilet paper so I never even think about it. But I still poop in the potty or pee in it when I air out so I still have to deal with no toilet paper sometimes but not as much. I only have to deal with no wipes. Something toilet users don’t have to deal with.