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All posts for the month June, 2012

Last day with our son

Published June 9, 2012 by lifeasadiaperedmother

My mother in law and sister in law brought him home this morning. They even brought the remaining disposables for my parents to use. Then they left and had to come back because they forgot to bring us back the car seat. I was so happy to see my boy I kept on smelling him and kissing him and holding him. I even nursed him even though I had already pumped this morning. They visited for a bit and then they left.

Then this afternoon my parents stopped by and my dad took some stuff out to their car to bring back home with them. But they left the rest of the stuff on our dining room table. They will get it tomorrow along with the high chair and baby gates and his play table and baby food and his sippy cups and silverware. Mom gave us news about the house and I found out that the lady who owned it took three light fixtures (darn it), the water fountain (don’t care), all the pots outside (don’t care), the washer and dryer (darn it), all the furniture and stuff (thank god) but the walls are dirty in some parts of the home (darn it). At least the lady didn’t do destruction to the house. But hey our apartment is in worse shape than that house because our carpets had not been cleaned since before we moved here, the closet doors keep going out of place and they are hard to open and close, the screws are coming out of our hall closet and our son’s bedroom door the holes have finally gotten too big for them to stay in. Our front door is hard to close so we have to push it close due to it being loose, we have mold on our bathroom ceiling and the floor in there needs to be replaced and so does the kitchen floor, the counter above the dishwasher is coming undone and peeling off the counter top, and we keep getting ants. I keep killing them with ant spray and we need to buy more. Plus our dryer does not dry things all the way and no way am I pay another 75 cents to dry. But that house just needs a new roof and eaves and a new laundry sink. Even the additional garage needs a new roof. My parents are hoping this will all be done by September and the worst case that can happen is not approve us. We had to go through another bank to get another loan because the government owns the place now and my parents put down an offer for $210,00 and will be borrowing $230,000 total from the bank so we can replace the roof and eaves on the house. My husband will be doing it too with them. I can’t be on it for personal reasons.

Today is our last day and night with our son so I was busy holding him all day and nursing him while my parents were here. Then they had to leave because they were going to meet up with their old friend and have dinner. Their old friend is our realtor. I do hope be in that house by Christmas. If we don’t get this house, we will go find another house to buy.

I am going to miss him. But only because I don’t know when I will be seeing him again.

Down to my last package

Published June 5, 2012 by lifeasadiaperedmother

While I was getting ready for work, I grab my disposable brief and see it’s the last one in the pack. I throw it away and now I am down to my last pack. Now I have to pay close attention to it because when I get down to seven diapers, we have to order more or it’s crappy diapers again until they get here.

Oh I should have bought some youth briefs at Goodwill when I saw them because they would have made great stuffers for those crappy kind we have. I bet they are gone now. They were actually a size small but they looked like youth ones. Next time I will probably do that when I see them again. They were even folded like baby diapers. They didn’t look very absorbent either but they would have made great stuffers.

The lady finall…

Published June 5, 2012 by lifeasadiaperedmother

The lady finally called back and now my husband has to mail in the forms. He still has to finish filling them out. I hope he will do it ASAP. My dad is still sending us a check and my mother in law came by to take my husband to the appointment and she took our son with. She also wants to bring him back home for a couple of days so she can spend her last time with him before he goes away for a while to my parents.

My parents wants to bring our son out there until my husband gets better. My dad is driving out here this weekend to pick him up and bring him back home. My husband doesn’t care because he is in too much pain. I will just keep pumping my breast milk so I won’t dry up. I am also hoping I will nurse my husband more often.

That will be a lot of stuff my dad will be bringing back, all the food and diapers and his high chair and play yard, his toys and clothes and his baby shampoo and tooth brush.

I just remembered I never fed my son lunch before he left. I was going to do it but I decided to wash the dishes instead and I forgot. Luckily there is food in the diaper bag and a spoon.

Our son will get to see two new states he’s never visited before. He has been to the state above our state because I sometimes go up there for the autism group. I missed the last one because of money issues due to husband not working. We always have it at Applebee’s and we eat food there and visit.

We can always call him to hear him on the phone or get Skype so we can see him. He be gone for a little while, a month for the most unless things change like my husband still not being better by the 8th of next month. They will keep him until he is better and he is back to work. Right now we have hit a bumpy spot in life.

I feel better now

Published June 5, 2012 by lifeasadiaperedmother

Someone just posted a mean comment about my husband which I never approved (all comments need to be approved before they show up to the public). Obviously he has not read this whole blog or else he would have known I enjoy being forced into diapers and I don’t mind the sex and that I am happily married and our relationship had improved ever since I have been forced into diapers. Also he did not know how old I was and my husband. He would also know he has been in too much pain lately to even have sex and that he hasn’t been changing me (he only has twice now). Some people just do not read thoroughly nor all of it.  It just looked like he only read that one blog by me about me being stressed out and sent me that mean comment about him. In fact I was expecting it to be a mean comment about me lol since it’s not my husband’s fault he has seizures and bad feet and that he hurt his back when he had a seizure and there I was bashing him in my rant. People are always frowned upon when they bash people who are not well and all of a sudden their feelings become unimportant because people tell them how selfish and horrible people they are for how they are feeling and how dare they be stressed out about it.  Could it have been a troll comment? Hard to say.

I don’t think I need to defend my husband because I don’t care what a stranger thinks online. I thought about sending him an email about it but I decided “why would I care what he thinks so I don’t need to defend my husband?” I think this whole blog already defends him so there. :) Oh wait, he thinks I am pretending he is disabled so anything in this blog I say about him wouldn’t matter because he chooses to think my husband is normal and not disabled and thinks I am lying about it. Emailing him and defending him wouldn’t matter either. Well maybe I did just defend hm by writing all this.

Moving along now.

My husband did call that woman and left her a message twice, she never called back. He does have an appointment today on the 5th about his back. He did make me feel better after he found me in our son’s room crying. He had me sit in his lap and he hugged me and assured me everything was fine. He said we are not going paycheck to paycheck but I told him he said we were last week with my income alone. He said he was having a seizure so he was not thinking clearly. Since he contradicts himself due to not being able to think properly, I don’t know what to believe so I can’t take his word. Then he noticed I had no diaper on. He told me what a naughty girl I was and I told him I don’t care anymore what he does to me, I am too upset. He told me to get on the bed.

Thinking he was going to give me sex, I grabbed my computer and brought it in our room. Then he came in and took out a disposable diaper and he took off my pants and underwear. I lie on my side and he tells me “I am not going to punish you.” I was shocked. No punishment. I asked him why and he said “I think you have been punished enough but next time you will be” and he diapered me. I said I thought he was going to give me sex and he said “I said to lie on the bed” and I thought he was going to give me sex when he told me to lie on it. That is where the punishments always happen. But he surprised me and was nice this time. I think he was too sore to even have sex to try and make another baby so he diapered me only. Luckily I had in that soft cup as a precaution. Then he sat on the bed and pulled me over his lap and spanked me. It was what I wanted and I told him last night I wish he would spank me and pull me over his lap and he surprised me the next day. I think he did it because he knew it was what I wanted. It wasn’t bad and it didn’t hurt. I think he did like 20 swats on my butt.

I even went to work all happy and this time my husband decided to have my aunt watch our son than have his mother come out. So I called her and she said she could watch him and my husband talked to her and decided I bring him over there so it be easier for her since she had some work to do from school, (she is a special education teacher). So I packed my son’s diaper bag and some food and I brought him over there. My uncle was there but not my aunt yet. I forgot they had toys there because my Aunt has some packed in the basement from her work because she buys stuff for her class and since they already have so much of it at school, she doesn’t need to bring it all there so she has the rest packed in the basement. She brought some of it out for him to play with and played a video for him. I should have brought some extra plastic pants because he soaked those and they stunk like pee and his shorts got wet when his diaper leaked so she washed them both. So when I got there to pick him up, he was in his t shirt and  cloth diaper.

So I am feeling better now, for now. I am no longer mad at my husband nor resenting him. I think that mean comment made me realize more how much I love him and appreciate him. I did feel a little bad for all the bad things I have said about him in my other blog after he had calmed me down and told me to wake him up next time if something is bothering me. But I will leave it or else this blog will be irrelevant and won’t make any sense. Besides I have it tagged as a rant. Maybe that mean comment was a wonderful comment he left me after all. ;)

 

Happily diapered and all calm.

Rebelling

Published June 4, 2012 by lifeasadiaperedmother

I just took my unused diaper off and put on some panties. I am just going to rebel to deal with the stress. My husband can just try and stop me or just get the fucking disability started.

Going through lot of stress

Published June 4, 2012 by lifeasadiaperedmother

Right now I am resenting my husband. I don’t care if this whole blog is going to make me sound cold hearted or insensitive or a jerk so go on ahead and judge me after you read all this.

My husband was supposed to take care of something today, make a phone call and and meet the person for him to get temporary disability for his back. He does not go to work until July 8th. I go in our bedroom to remind him and I see he is in bed. He had been up all night due to his back hurting him so much. We need a new mattress but we can’t afford it right now. So I break down and cry because I wasn’t sure when he be getting up and what time he has till today to meet her. I just want this done NOW so we can get more money coming in. So I call my mother and broke down in tears because I am so sick of being here, I want to leave this world and get away from it all. I have been feeling like I am shutting down. I am so sick of my husband letting his depression make him be so lazy. I said to my parents send me a damn check for $500 because I don’t know if he is ever going to get this done because he has to be up all night. My mom says if he can sleep during the day, he can sleep at night and be up during the day.

I just wish I never married my husband. Back then his feet were not bad and they have gotten worse. If I knew then his pain would cause him to have more seizures due to stress and make him miss work, I would not have stayed with him knowing how much stress it would cause me. I would leave him but it wouldn’t get rid of all my stress because we have a kid together and where would I go if I left him? I would then be on my own income without his and it still be stressful so leaving him wouldn’t get rid of it. My mother suggested food stamps. I would have to look into it.

Since he is in so much pain, he is probably in too much pain to even keep me in diapers so I can just stop wearing them and we can save money that way. He may not even notice I don’t have one on. He may be in too much pain to make me wear a diaper to work and be in too much pain to grab my panties from me. I can test him. But I know he can punish me when he is better and make up for all the rules I had broken.

My mother offered she or dad can come out here, get our son and bring him back to their home (they live ten hours away) and they can take care of him until my husband is well. I can’t always take care of him and when I need to be alone and when he keeps getting in my way, I just put him in his room in his crib and close the door. When I go to work, I put him in his play yard and go to work because my husband can’t always take care of him. I leave him in front of the TV with toys in his play yard which he likes to throw out. Mom says that is not good for him to be in there for five hours. I really like this idea because my mother in law isn’t well either and she can’t take care of him all the time. I would have to talk to my husband about this.

I also started to slip in a soft cup to avoid getting pregnant. I never know when my husband is going to have sex with me. But since he is in so much pain, he may not have it with me anymore until he is well. But sometimes he is better so I guess I better keep it in there for precaution.

If my husband ever dies or if we ever split up, I won’t date another man who has seizures or bad feet or a bad back because I sure would not want to go through any stress.

My husband says his back is temporary, I hope it is. Luckily my parents will be moving out here soon to help out. What about my diapers? Will my husband still keep me in them or change his mind?

My mother can’t do anything about it if I am still kept in them 24/7. She won’t know about me being forced into them because we won’t tell her, she would just think I choose to wear them and I make that decision as an adult.

I think I will find ways like I am not going to try for a baby until he gets temporary disability or that I am not wearing diapers again until he gets it. That might get him to do it and stop being so lazy. I am so sick of this stress and his selfish behavior. In fact I may tell him our son is going to live with my parents then if he doesn’t straighten up. I don’t care if people call this a game and see it as woman holding having sex until her husband does what she wants him to do. I see nothing wrong with that honestly because it all depends on the reason why.

No I am not getting abused

Published June 1, 2012 by lifeasadiaperedmother

Okay so far two people have though of abuse.

I was chatting with an old online friend who recently got back in contact with me. He then all of a sudden asked me if I still wear diapers (this is not a diaper buddy) and I said yes. He asked me how often do I wear them and I said 24/7 and he asked me if I don’t ever use the toilet. I told him I do sometimes because I don’t always want to use my diapers due to a rash or because I am constipated. Plus I am not allowed to use the toilet and I am supposed to do everything in my diapers so I have to sneak it. I told him about me being submissive and how my husband keeps me in them and how he punishes me and makes me have sex. He then brought up me being abused. I told him I wasn’t being abused and I like it.

Then on another forum, (a AB/DL one) I got a PM from someone. He said he hopes I am okay and quoted a line from my blog and and said I leave things open to me being abused. He went on telling me if my husband and I want to role play, that is fine and I do have the option to say no if I want to quit.I won’t even bother quoting the PM out of respect for his exact words.

I think there is a difference between abuse and what my husband is doing. He would never hurt me and he doesn’t beat me or shame me. He isn’t a Cal Hockley from the movie Titanic or that drunk guy in Delores Claybourne, or that husband in the movie Enough. Here is something interesting I thought of and had to ask online: Does Cal Hockley seem like the kind of person who would spank a woman?

I can just picture him spanking Rose since he seems to treat her like a child. I think it would have been better if in the movie, he pulled her across his lap and lifted her dress up and spanked her right there than slapping her face. He sure does treat her like a child; sending Lovejoy after her to check up on her, makes all the decisions for her but back then women didn’t have choices and men made them all for them. I wonder if spanking them was common back then?

With abuse, it’s out of control and done without the person’s consent. With BDSM or just being submissive, it’s all under control and it’s done with consent. I also don’t think it’s black and white because I have been reading spanking stories online and some wives and husbands do spank their spouses without their consent and what do you know, they enjoy it and they are happy to be spanked because it keeps them in order. But they don’t beat them or treat them badly or verbally abuse them. And these are adult spankings they get, not spankings my husband used to give me. He doesn’t want to hurt me so he doesn’t give me adult spankings.

It’s rape if the person is forced to have sex but what if she was forced to have sex but yet didn’t mind having it because it was her husband or boyfriend? I am always telling my husband he loves to rape me but I wouldn’t go out and say my husband rapes me because then it would sound ugly and bad and make him sound like a monster. Most people think of rape as in threats and violence but rape isn’t always like that. Unfortunately there are gray areas and if a woman is pressured to have sex so she gives in and has it, I call that rape. But it’s very hard to prove in court. But in my husband’s case, I don’t like to see it as that and am I getting hurt? Am I getting traumatized? No to both.

Lot of women have rape fantasies but it’s so taboo to even mention them. I have dreamed about my husband putting something in my drink to knock me out so he ca have sex with me in my sleep and I wouldn’t have to worry about it. But sadly that drug is illegal and he refuses to do that to me. I admit I have rape fantasies and have liked being forced to have sex in the past and it was done without my consent. I don’t consider that as true rape because rape is done without the person’s consent. If it happens and it was done with consent, then it’s not real rape(did I just admit my husband has raped me? Must be a gray area, up for the woman to decide if they were raped or not).  But yet I think men who do rape women use the “women like being forced to have sex” as an excuse to rape them and not take no for an answer. It makes me so angry when they won’t take no for an answer so they pressure them to have sex. No means no, got it? If she has never told you she wants to be forced to have sex, no means no. I get angry with any guy when they seem to defend other men and act like it’s okay for them to not take no for an answer just because “most women like to be forced to have sex and want the man to beg them to have it after they say no.” To me it’s just an excuse for rape. Okay enough of that.

My husband makes me go out and have fun and doesn’t always want me camping in our apartment. He thinks it makes me depressed. So he kicks me out and tells me to have fun or I will get punished. He does what he thinks is best for me.

Yesterday he came back from the doctor’s appointment and gave me two bucks he found on the ground and told me to get myself a treat. I didn’t protest because he said the money was free and he found it on the ground. I don’t know if I had the option to say no but I took it anyway and went to the post office to mail off some books and then I got myself a pint of ice scream and I used the extra dollar I had in my purse.

Then today I was stressing out about money because my husband told me we had to wait until the 4th now to pay our rent because we don’t have enough in the bank now. He forgot to pay the cable so they called and he paid it over the phone. Now we don’t have enough anymore for the rent and have to wait until I get paid again. I have no idea when he will start getting temporary disability so it’s very stressful. So my husband forced me to get my diaper changed. He pushed me on the bed and took my pants, plastic pants and diaper off and cleaned me up and gave me sex. I didn’t have a choice. He forced it in me and gave me sex until he cummed. I still can’t talk him out of waiting to try and have another baby because I don’t know if we will get this house and how long it will take and I don’t want to have a baby and still be in this apartment and be crowded. No I was not getting abused. He didn’t hurt me.

Then after he was done, he took out a disposable diaper and unfolded it and put it on me and I had to remind him to use baby powder. he did all this while in pain and he said I needed it. I didn’t feel bad because he chose to give me it and chose to change me. Then he cuddled with me for a few minutes.Well I did calm down about the whole money issue. That is why he did it and I didn’t mind the sex.

I even tried to talk him out of letting me quit wearing diapers until our money situation ends and he said “NO.” Well I was serious and wasn’t testing him but he still wants to keep me in them. He will not go back to work until July 8th. Hopefully his back will be better by then.

I know if I ever get tired of all this and I can’t get convince my husband I really do want to stop all this, I can always leave him.

Very stressed out diapered mamma.

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